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He couldn’t sleep again. Every time he closed his eyes, his thoughts wandered off in one direction, and when he opened them they wander in another. His eye lids were heavy, but his mind was full. Nothing felt right, he couldn’t get comfortable. His blanket was hot and his pillow was cold.

Everything felt disjointed, broken. Like something good had been lost. Wrong.

Smashed. Like the train set that Uncle bought for Regulus for Christmas when he was four. It was been such an amazing train, magically sailing from one smooth section of track to the next. Regulus thought it was the most spectacular thing ever. Until Bellatrix got bored and smashed it to pieces. Sirius had screamed at Bella, and called her nasty named while the poor enchanted train still tried to get to the next section of track, smashing into the wall and falling broken.

No. Sirius rolled over in bed, shoving the memory out of mind. That wasn’t right. That didn’t feel right. Every time he tried to gather up his thoughts, they slipped away, dribbling out between the cracks in his mind. Like his grandmothers prized Goblet.

He hadn’t meant for it to break. He had just been playing around and is smashed on the floor. He did his best with the muggle super glue that James had given him as a present from his last trip into downtown London. He didn’t know any charms, he was to young. The Goblet had looked fine, until Christmas when all the wine poured into it seeped out along the near invisible cracks. Mother had yelled.

Sirius rolled over again. He didn’t want to think about mother yelling. How his little brother would sit in the corner and bury his face in his knees so he wouldn’t be seen crying. How his Father just sat in his chair, smoking his pipe and not saying a word because Sirius deserved it. And his mother, her face contorted with rage would spat at him and call him a disgrace, and hit him when he had been a truly terrible child.

He sat up in bed, burying his face in his hands. Ever since Sirius had started his fifth year, his insomnia was becoming worse and worse. Now that Christmas vacation was almost upon him, sleep seemed like a thing of the past.

The dormitory was quiet and dark, the sound of his friend’s steady breaths filling the room. Peter had once told him, in the nervous silly way that Peter said things, that God works in small favors. At the time, Sirius had laughed and told Peter that he was a goof, and to not bother him when he was kicking James’s arse at wizards chess. Now, sitting in the dark, he thanked what ever God there was for the small favor that tonight was a Friday and at least no detention would come from his lack of sleep.

Friday. That meant the weekend was here. He liked weekends. They meant no classes and sleeping in late and sneaking around the school with no remorse. When he was little they meant sneaking out of the house, and showing Regulus how to catch frogs in the rain. They meant mother’s Saturday parties, and martini’s all around. They meant to stay out of the way and be a good respectable boy, and for the love of god if you track one speck of mud onto the good sitting room carpet there will be hell to pay, and please don’t make a fool of yourself when we have guests over.

Sirius sighed heavily, pressing his eyes into the palms of his hands, trying to block out the thoughts of home. He thought he might be going insane. Nothing made sense anymore. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t stop remembering his bloody childhood. He hated it.

He ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath. He just needed to calm down. He just needed to empty his head. He kept his eyes closed and he took a few deep breaths. The room was dark, a suffocating dark. It was flooding into his mind, and he felt ready to break.

“Sirius?” The whispered called softly. “Hey, you awake over here?” It was Remus. The whole room brightened just a little. Sirius kept his eyes closed as Remus’s footsteps pattered over to his bed side and he felt the weight of the other boy sitting next to him. “Padfoot, you alright?” He asked, yawning. He had woken Remus up, Sirius realized and felt guilty.

Sirius looked over at the Sandy haired boy. “I cant sleep Rem.” He said, his voice bleak and drained. “Just can’t sleep.” Remus nodded knowingly and laid his head on Sirius’s shoulder. Sirius smiled.

“Oh.” Remus whispered, and nuzzled his shoulder a little. That small little gesture meant the world to him. It meant that Remus was there, that he was real, that everything was ok. It meant that Remus would listen if he wanted to talk, and stay quiet if he didn’t. Outside the window, the small crescent moon came out from behind the clouds, filling the room with a soft, silvery glow.

“God, Remmy. You really...you really understand me better than anyone, you know.” He whispered, relieved to have company in the dark room, relieved that he didn’t feel alone anymore. “Thank you.”

“Well.” Remus said, taking one of Sirius’s hands in his own and squeezing it softly. “I wouldn’t be much of a boyfriend otherwise, would I?” He laughed. It was a silvery, soft amazing laugh. Sirius laughed as well, nearly ready to cry. He felt so relieved to have Remus here, to not be alone in the dark with his memories. He felt stupid and emotional, and he didn’t care.

“Oh Moony.” He whispered and kissed the boy softly. The sweeping bliss, the warmth in his chest that spread through his limbs, that always over took him when he and Remus kissed hit him like a wave, wiping away everything else. Remus tasted like chocolate.

“Remus.” Sirius finally breathed when the kiss ended. “Remus, you are the only thing that makes sense anymore.” Remus smiled softly and cupped the boy’s cheek. Sirius smiled back at him. James always pointed how much Remus needed Sirius. How Remus feared being hated and being alone, and how good Sirius was for him. But no one really knew how much Sirius needed Remus as well. But he really did need him. Remus was like the air he breathed.

“Moony...will you, er...sleep with me tonight?” Sirius asked awkwardly. “Like, not in that way, but just...I cant sleep at all. And having you around calms me down, so I can actually get some sleep tonight? Please?” He said like an embarrassed child. Only around Remus would he let his insecure side show. He only trusted Remus that much.

Remus stared at him skeptically, but finally just ended up shrugging. “Fine. But don’t try anything funny, you dog.” He said teasing him. “I’m only agreeing because I cant resist the puppy eyes.” Sirius cheered softly, grabbed Remus by his shoulders and pulled him down on his pillow with him. Remus adjusted himself until he got comfortable, laying his head on Sirius’s chest and yawned.

“Remus?” Sirius said softly. “You know how people say that when your in love, it’s like you can’t live without that person?” Remus nodded sleepily as Sirius began to run his fingers through his hair. “I don’t think that’s true. I think I could live without you. But I never, ever want to try.”

Remus nuzzled his chest. “Sweet.” He yawned.

Sirius smiled and yawned as well. He thought to himself just how much he loved this boy, how much he needed him. All his nightmares and memories forgotten now, all he could think about was Remus Lupin, until he drifted slowly off to sleep.

In the morning James nearly started laughing when he walked over to wake Sirius up. Somehow he found his two friends incredibly adorable like that. Smiling, he pulled Peter down stairs, deciding to let the two boys sleep in, undisturbed.

—End—

Part of the beauty of fanfiction is being able to alter parts of the story to the way you like them. If you remember how broken up Lupin was over the death of Sirius, it does kinda insinuate some kind of deeper relationship between them

Everyone knows Lupin was forced to marry Tonks because JKR never wanted gay relationships in her story. So to make us believe he was never gay/bisexual, she stuck him with Tonks b****

I never said she was homophobic. I said she never wanted gay relationships. After all, after book 3 everyone thought that Remus/Sirius had an affair. Why did she have to kill him in book 5 and of course a girl had to come around. I don't like Tonks because she lost her bubbly personality in book 6 by becoming whinny and having Mrs Weasley pressure Remus to give her a chance. Remus was forced into that relationship.... pity. But hey that's just my opinion....

thought that those in this discussion would find this interesting <3


click me, im interesting

I can see Sirius. But I don't think Remus.
I'm openminded, yes... but I still don't see it xp xp xp xp