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 Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 9:16 am
This is a story about a girl named Adiana. Adiana had a round face, she had long curly dark brown hair, her eyes are green, and she has a nice olive tone to her skin color. Her life brings huge surprises. It is a Sunday and Adiana is at home watching television and occasionally going into a dreamland. In the dreamland of hers, she and her crush are in love. Adiana likes this dreamland over the real world because what she wants most in the world is in the dreamland and not in real life.
In real life, she has home alone because everyone else went out. Adiana has two sisters, one mom, and one step-dad. She is somewhat anxious to go back to school because she is thinking of telling her crush her feelings. Adiana has dreamed of this many times and she is afraid to tell him because she is scared of what his reaction will be.
She was thinking about calling her friend Katie to talk because she is bored out of her mind. Yesterday she called Katie and talked to her for about a half hour while walking around her neighborhood. Adiana got excited when she thought she heard them outside. It was just a false alarm though so she just sat there thinking of something to do.
She wished she had John’s number or internet so she could communicate with him in anyway. John had short brown hair, brown eyes, wears glasses, and had an oval shaped face. By the way, I want you to know that John is Adiana’s crush. Her internet does not work anymore so she cannot talk to him on his myspace, which she found. She also does not know his number so she could not call him. Those facts made her sad even though Christmas was like days away.
That day she decided that after school she was going to tell John. She did not though because John was hanging out with his friends and she did not want to bother him. Therefore, she lost her nerve and did not do it and she is starting to regret not doing it. To her this day felt like a never-ending day and she was dreading every second of it. She could not find John in the morning and she did not see him until first period started. When the bell rang, she rushed to meet John as he was leaving so they could walk to second period together. She decided that she was going to tell him as they were walking to second period. Adiana was just about to tell him when Cory came up to her and kept pushing her and annoying her. Cory had curly brown hair, it went down to his shoulders, he was short and had extra weight, his face was round and plump, and his eyes where dark brown.
“Stop Cory, leave me alone!” Adiana yelled. He did not stop he saw how annoyed she was and kept going. He was being very relentless on the annoyance factor.
“Dude stop you see how annoyed she is,” John said. Cory just looked at John and then left Adiana alone. He just walked away without saying another word. Adiana just looked at John and could not think of anything to say at first. There were a couple of minutes of silence as they walked.
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Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 9:17 am
“Thanks John”, Adiana said in relief.
“Your welcome and watch out for yourself I think he likes you,” John said plainly. Adiana was very shocked at what John just said. She thought about it and thought about how true John could be. John seemed to have noticed the shocked look on her face.
“What‘s with the look of shock? Did that bit of information really shock you?” he asked.
“Yea it kind of did,” she said back.
“I thought you would have known already, I kind of thought he made it obvious,” John said kind of puzzled.
“He might have but I never thought of that being a possibility cause I never wanted to,” she said still filled with shock.
“I kind of know what you mean, if I was a girl I would totally hate to be liked by a guy like Cory,” he told Adiana.
After all, of that they made it to their second period and walked in right on time. The late bell rang as soon as they reached their seats and Adiana was glad to see the look on Cory’s face when they walked in together. The class started and Adiana finished all the class work and copied down the homework. She talked to her friends until the bell rang.
She packed up and waited for John outside the classroom to see if she had the courage to tell him. He was coming out of the classroom but Cory got to her first and started to annoy her again. She was yelling at Cory to stop but every time she did, he became more and more annoying. John saw this and started to walk over and when Cory saw him, he immediately stopped and walked away fast.
Adiana thanked John about five million times for making Cory go away as they walked to lunch together. Adiana stayed near John the rest of the day so Cory would not bug her. It worked for the rest of the day and she even asked him to sit by her on the bus.
It was the perfect opportunity to tell him but she did not have the courage. Cory’s face was so priceless when he saw them sitting together on the bus. Cory sat two seats behind them trying to play off him watching their every move. Adiana noticed what he was doing and told John about it. She was still trying to gather up the courage to tell him through the whole bus ride. In the end, though she just could not do it.
They walked together until they reached her house. While they were walking, they talked about random stuff. When they reached her house, they gave each other a hug goodbye. Adiana saw the look of shock on Cory’s face after they hugged and the look made her happier cause he might not bug her at all anymore after that.
She walked inside her house, walked the dog, and did her homework. Her baby sister, Nichole, came to bug her while she was doing her homework. Her older sister, Kayli, came in later on with her boyfriend who rode our bus to hang out with her. Kayli and Anthony hung out in the living room because our parents will not let them be alone in her room together. They do not seem to trust her at all especially with boys. When they got home, Nichole went to go bug them and left her alone.
When Nichole left, she started to think about how she should tell John her feelings. He is her friend so she wants to tell him in a way that does not ruin her friendship. She thinks and thinks until she falls asleep and has an awesome dream. In her dream, she told John everything and he tells her he feels the same way. They become boyfriend and girlfriend in the dream and they never break up. Adiana became sad when she woke up in the morning because it was just a dream. She got ready for school and headed for the bus. When she got outside John was waiting for her outside her door. That surprised her until her told her why he was there.
“I’m going to walk with you to the bus so Cory doesn’t bother you today”, he said as plain and simple as it was.
“Thanks John you’re an awesome friend for that”, she said to him.
They walked to the bus stop together and when Cory walked up to Adiana and saw the shocked look on his face. She guessed that he was shocked to see that John was with her. When they got on the bus they sat together and Cory sat as close as he could. Adiana was guessing that he was watching them again to see if anything was going to happen.
Adiana whispered in John’s ear about the look on Cory’s face before they got on the bus and told him something. When she looked back at Cory, his face was cherry red from, what Adiana was guessing, anger. When she turned back around, she could not help but giggle at how mad this was making Cory.
When they got to school, John and Adiana had to separate and Cory came to talk to her. She was totally dreading the fact that he was talking to him and she was talking back.
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Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 9:20 am
“What are you doing?” Cory asked her
“What am I doing?” she asked with false curiosity in her voice.
Then he said, “You’re trying to make me jealous”.
“In your dreams”, she spat back.
“You like me and you know it”, he said to her total ignoring the tone she had in her voice.
“I don’t like you, I like John”, she said and right after she said it she regretted talking to him.
A wide smile spread across his face because now he had an advantage over her. She just told him her deepest darkest secret that no one else knew. Even though he was happy she could have swore she saw a flash of sadness in his eyes. She ran from Cory as fast as she could and never looked back. Cory knew her secret that he can use against her and now she was not safe.
She saw John and could not even look at him because he could know her secret. Whenever she saw Cory somewhere close John or talking to him she freaked out. For the rest of the day she had a bad mood out and did not talk to anyone. When it was time to leave she walked to her bus alone. John came on to the bus, saw her looking out the window, and sat by her. She did not turn her head because she could not even look at him.
“What’s wrong?” he asked
“Nothing”, she replied even though they both knew she was lying.
“We both know that your lying, we also know that something’s wrong with you if you don’t talk the whole day.” he replied. Just then, Cory entered the bus and Adiana did not answer John’s question because she did not want Cory to hear what she was saying.
“When you left this morning Cory came up to me and started to bug me and talk to me and I got so mad because he kept saying I like him. He made me so fudging mad that I told him who I really like and I’m afraid that he’s going to tell him about it,” she answered.
“You like someone I didn’t know that.” John said to her somewhat surprised that she liked someone.
The fact that he did not know about it made her five times happier. That meant that Cory did not tell him about her liking him. Therefore, she chatted with John through the whole bus ride. The conversation made her day better, all the way to the end and Cory saw, them talking like friends and she saw how that made him mad.
John dropped her off as usual and they gave each other a hug goodbye. Cory waited until John left and went up to Adiana. He started talking to her and seeing that it was about to rain blew him off and went inside. She went through her usual routine when she got inside. Except this time, she thought about how Cory knew and how John still does not know. While thinking about this stuff she dozed off and fell asleep.
She started to head out in the morning and it was cold and raining. John was not waiting for her but she did not think any thing of it. She walked to the bus stop alone and waited for John. She saw John but he was not alone. Cory was talking to him and Adiana’s heart sank. The only thing she could think of is that he was telling John about her secret. Her suspicions were confirmed when John looked at her with a weird look on his face.
Adiana just stood rooted in her spot, she just could not move. John walked up to her and she just looked at him with a shocked look on her face. Cory was looking at her with a happy look on his face. That look made her heart plummet even farther and she just looked down on the ground. When the bus came, she scrambled on, found a seat in the middle of the bus, and sat there. John came on and sat next to her. The bus started and Adiana could not say anything so John said something.
“So I heard something very interesting from Cory this morning”, he said. Adiana thought to her self, oh no here it comes.
“What did you hear?” she asked very bravely.
“I heard that you like me, is that true?” he asked with curiosity in his voice. All she could do was look at the floor and shake her head yes.
“But please don’t let that fact ruin our friendship”, she pleaded even though she was looking at the floor.
“Don’t worry it won’t”, he said to her and added, “cause I have a secret I like you too”.
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Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 9:21 am
She thought; pinch me I must be dreaming. She pinched herself to make sure it was not a dream and it was not. A boy seriously liked her that she liked and that fact made her grateful. On the bus that very day, they became boyfriend and girlfriend.
They got off the bus together holding hands and Adiana turned her head and saw the look of shock on Cory’s face. She was so happy that she got a cute, nice, and thoughtful boyfriend. She told her girl friends about it and her friends where so happy for her. They did almost everything together and she loved every minute of it. Cory came up to her in the only class that she did not have with John and started to talk to her.
“I told John you know”, he said.
“I know and thanks to you I have a boyfriend”, she said to him.
Cory seemed shocked by this news and got quiet quickly. She left him rooted in his spot; she was guessing that her getting a boyfriend was not in his plan. She left him to go talk to some of her friends and wait for the bell to ring. When it did, she packed up and left and John was waiting for her. They went to their next class together and sat by each other because they did not have assigned seats.
They walked to the bus loop together and looked for there bus and they were holding hands while they were going to there bus. They sat next to each other on the bus as always. They talked about meaningless stuff through the whole bus ride. When the ride stopped, Adiana got to her house and asked if she could visit John and got the okay. Therefore, she went with John to his house and they told his mom that they would be outside.
They walked around the whole neighborhood together. Adiana could have sworn that someone was following them but could not prove it. They walked around and still had that feeling and John stopped her. They where near the woods in the neighborhood a very beautiful spot. That is where she and John shared a kiss with each other. She made a great note to self that John was an awesome kisser.
She still had the feeling that someone was watching them but did not care and went with the kiss. She felt like the world stopped everything when they kissed as if time froze just for them. It was the best moment of her life and she never wanted it to end. When it did though she was glad, it happened and that somebody watching feeling went away.
Josh walked her all the way home and gave her a hug and kiss goodbye at her door. She went inside and total forgot about doing her homework and everything. She just laid down her bed and thought about the kiss. She was lost in her thoughts when she fell asleep thinking of her day.
She woke up in the morning in the best mood ever. Then John called her and told her that he was sick and was not going to school today. That news made her mood drop a little bit, because that meant Cory would be extra annoying.
Adiana walked out to the bus stop to wait for the bus as usual. That is when Cory came up behind her and scared the living poo out of her. That is when her day officially got worse. He was ruthless with the annoyance factor.
“So where’s your boyfriend?” he asked as if he did not already know.
“He’s sick today and he won’t be at school but hopefully he’ll be better tomorrow”, she answered. When the bus got there, she was the first one on and Cory was right behind her. Cory sat by her just to annoy her and it worked perfectly well. He would not stop touching her and she could not take it anymore.
When the bus got to the high school, she rushed to find friends so she could escape Cory. She found some and when she did, he did not bug her cause most of the friends she found were guys. Cory does not seem as brave when Adiana is around other guys because he knows that they will protect her.
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Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 9:23 am
To avoid Cory all day she hung out with all her guy friends in all of her classes. That worked she even found a guy friend to sit by her on the bus. The fact that she had so many friends that would help her made her day. She avoided Cory for the whole day and after school, she got one of her guy friends to walk her home so she did not have to deal with Cory at all.
As soon as she got inside, she called Josh and told him about her day. She also thanked him for having such good friends. She told them about how they helped her throughout the day. She also asked him if he can thank them for her and she talked about how she missed him. She also hoped he will get well soon before she hung up and started her chores. It took her about two hours to do and then she started her homework which took her about one hour. Then she watched television and listened to the radio until she dozed off into a deep sleep.
She was up and out of the house in no time in the morning and Josh was there waiting. Seeing him made her so flipping happy that she gave him a giant hug. They walked to the bus stop together holding hands and happier then ever. When Adiana turned around, she saw an annoyed look on Cory’s face and was greatly satisfied. She thought to herself, maybe now he will leave me alone seeing how happy I am.
Later on, she will find out that that is never going to happen. For now, she had that happy thought in her mind as she got on the bus with John. Adiana lay on John’s shoulder during the bus ride to school. John did not object and she dozed off for a little while.
When they got to school John nudged her awake and she jumped up and gathered all of her stuff and got off the bus. After her little nap, she felt fully awake and she felt great. That nap on John’s shoulder was her power nap for the day and the classes went fast.
At lunch time they walked around and hung out with John’s friends which Adiana did not mind one bit. She had loads of fun hanging out with John and his friends. Cory sat at his usual spot with his usual friends watching how much fun Adiana was having. She was laughing at the jokes and playing along with what they where doing. She was the only girl there surrounded by boys but that did not bother her.
After lunch, John and Adiana acted attached at the hip for the day because they did everything together. Cory was watching in jealousy and Adiana saw that he has not given up yet. That rather annoyed her but she did not show it and went on ignoring Cory. She gave all her attention to Josh and her friends leaving none for Cory. That seemed to annoy the crap out of Cory but she did not care. Cory caught her again in the only class that John and her do not have together.
“Why are you ignoring me?” he asked,
“Because I can”, she answered back coldly.
“Oh so cold, why so cold?” he asked.
She started to get pissed of at the fact that he could not take a hint. She told him loud and clear for him, “I don’t like you okay Cory. Actually, I hate your guts. You want to know why it is because you are so flipping annoying. If you think that is the best way to get me that kind of stuff does not work on me. I have a boyfriend named John if you did not notice so take a hint. Leave me the freak alone!” That is exactly how she told him to and then she turned around and walked to her seat.
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Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 9:24 am
He just stood there in total shock not able to move still trying to swallow what she just told him. While he was standing there, her friends congratulated her for telling him off. They also were making jokes of her telling people off for them. Cory was standing in the same exact spot when the bell rang and that made him move.
Adiana packed up, went outside, and found John. She told him about what she told Cory and how he was in total shock. He laughed at the story as they walked too their next class together the last class of the day French 1.
They were doing a partner thing in the class and they were partners. Cory is not in this class and John is in. They had to talk French to each other and make a dialogue that they had to read in front of the class. They volunteered to read there dialogue to the class and they went first. The bell rang as soon as they finished their dialogue.
They packed up and left after Adiana handed in their paper. They were happy that they were the only ones who did not have to read their dialogue tomorrow. They walked to the bus loop and went hunting for there bus. They found it unusually quick today and when the got on it, it was almost empty. They went outside and talked until more people came.
They got in the bus, Adiana sat by the window as usual, and John sat beside her. She looked out the bus window, watched the people walking by, and occasionally waved at friends. After ten minutes, the buses started to leave and I laid my head on John shoulder. Cory was in the seat behind them and she saw his face and his face still looked a little shocked.
The whole bus ride Adiana felt like nothing could go wrong as she lay on John’s shoulder. She did not doze off this time but felt joy and warmth. Cory must have known because she felt that sensation of someone watching her again. She felt so great that she did not let the feeling bug her. John must have felt it to because he turned his head and the feeling went away.
When the bus got to the neighborhood, she lifted her head and gathered her stuff. She left following John and when they got out he put his arm around her and she put her head on his chest. She felt that safe warm feeling again and she felt that someone was watching her again. She shivered and John turned his head again and the feeling stopped yet again.
“John is Cory watching my every move?” she asked.
“I think he is, so I guess he has a death wish”, he told her.
Adiana did not know that John was so protective. The fact that he is protective made her feel very safe. She loved that he was a nice, protective, cute, and sweet guy in other words a perfect boyfriend. They walked to her house and she asked her mom if she could go to John’s house.
Her mom said yes so she left her stuff there, went back outside, and walked with John to his house. When they got to his house, his mom said that they could hang out together. John’s mom trusted him so we hung out in his room where we watched television, played games, and occasionally kissed. Then we went outside to roam the neighborhood.
Little to our knowledge Cory was around the corner watching us. I felt it so I told John that I felt like someone was watching us. He turned around and then we heard some rustling of leaves and the feeling went away.
“Someone was watching us and I bet you anything that it was Cory”, he said angrily.
“If it was him he’s gone now”, she told him.
“So help me god Cory if you’re listening, listen to this warning. If you’re following us and I find out you’re so dead”, he said.
After he said this Adiana tried to calm him down, which failed horribly. They kept walking and Cory must have heard the warning because the feeling did not come back. After they walked for a while, Adiana gave John a kiss and that calmed him down. He went back to himself because he could not stay mad after that.
They started to walk back to his house when the feeling came back. She shivered again and he did not seem to notice. She did not tell him about it because she did not want to see anyone hurt. When they got to his house, they watched a movie.
Then he walked her home so Cory would not bug her on her way home. When they got home, she gave him a kiss and a hug goodbye and thanked him for a great day. Then she walked inside and locked the door and John walked back home.
She went into her room and started her homework. She walked the dog a couple of minutes after starting her homework to shut her mom up. Then she came back in and went back to her homework. Luckily, Nichole and Kayli did not bug her and she fell asleep while doing her homework.
She had a nightmare that Cory asked her out and John hated her. That nightmare woke her up with a start and she could not fall back to sleep. She was awake in bed for what it seemed like hours. When it was time to go to school, she had a slow start. She was out of the house and found John and she immediately put her head on his chest. She told him about that nightmare she had.
They walked to the bus stop together and John let her put her head on his chest. She dozed in and out of sleep when all of the sudden she was shaken awake by John. They walked on the bus and when they sat down her head immediately found his shoulder and she fell asleep. When she woke up, they were at school. That nap did wonders for her and she felt perfectly energized.
They walked out of the bus together as always and Adiana could not wait until third period lunch. First and second period passed like a lighting bolt and then it was lunchtime. She hung out with John and his friends once again and had a total blast. Once again, she felt the feeling of someone watching her and she turned her head and saw Cory staring at her. She could have sworn he mouthed the word whore. She turned back to John and his friends and sat down on a bench with tears swelling at her eyes. Then silent tears fell and a couple of minutes one of John’s friends noticed.
John went to Adiana and asked, “What’s wrong?”
“I turned around trying to find out who was looking at me and it was Cory. We were having a little staring match and he mouthed something. To me it looked like he mouthed the word whore. He called me a whore!” she exclaimed.
John and all of his friends turned around and looked at Cory. There was definitely a look of fear in his eyes. John helped me up, made me stable, and motioned me to follow. John and his friends went to get Cory and I followed to see what would happen. They all caught up to him and cornered him.
John walked up to him and said, “What did you mouth to my girlfriend?”
He was very helpless and said, “Whore”.
“You’re going to apologize to her”, he said and motioned her forward.
“I’m sorry Adiana”, Cory said.
“I accept your apology”, she said to him.
Then when they settled all that, John held her in his arms and walked away. His friends followed when they left Adiana saw relief in Cory’s eyes. Adiana was glad she go an apology and that she was loved by her boyfriend that much. The fact that John did that for her made her so happy and when sixth period came, Cory did not bug her.
Adiana told John about that as soon as the bell rang. He was glad to hear that and they were both off the French class. Today all they had to do was listen to people read their dialogue. When the bell rang everyone in the class finished.
Adiana and John were the first ones out of the class. They did there daily routine of finding there bus and standing outside until more people came. Today Cory sat as far away from them as possible and in Adiana’s opinion that was just great. Today Adiana looked out the window through the whole bus ride.
John walked her to her house and they kissed goodbye as usual. When she went inside there was no one there. The house was completely empty of people.
On the dry erase marker board, where their family puts messages it said that they went shopping. Even though they were not there, she still did her chores and walked the dog. She did her homework and everything and Kayli did nothing.
After everything she was supposed to do was finished, she laid down on her bed. She thought of the up and downs of her days. She also thought of the things that made her day flipping awesome. She thought to herself the day had good parts and bad parts but she liked it. She finally fell asleep and did not have a dream or a nightmare.
She slept in because it is a weekend and she had no school. She got up sometime in the after noon and took a shower. She got dressed and went outside to walk to John’s house. She just started to walk when she ran into Cory. She thought to herself just my luck and just looked at him.
“What do you want Cory?” she asked him.
“I want you to dump John and go out with me,” he told her.
“Wow, pretty straight forward. Let me make this as simple as I can ready, no,” she answered and started to walk again.
“Why not pretty…” he started to say when John came and broke up the conversation.
“Hey Adiana I was looking for you”, he said loudly.
“John!” she exclaimed and ran up to him and gave him a kiss.
“So what were you guys talking about?” John asked Adiana.
“He’s telling me to break up with you and go out with him”, she told him and at this John tensed up and added, “You know that will never happen I love you not him.”
At these words, he became less tense but he was still somewhat tense. Adiana gave him another kiss to calm him down a little more and it worked. She pulled him away from where Cory was. That seemed to have helped him and they walked around Greentree and headed toward the woods.
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Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 5:12 pm
It's definitely interesting. Here's a tip though, as I learned from reviewers in the past: longer sentences does a lot to help the smooth flow of a story. 3nodding
Also, you might want to leave out unnecessary sentences, like maybe ones that repeat something already mentioned. Otherwise, I think you have something going here. =)
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Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 3:47 pm
The very thing you strive for ... You change John's name to Josh about 3 places during the story. All of a sudden Adiana is kissing this Josh person and he's never been mentioned.
Also, during the last post Adiana mysteriously becomes you. The 3rd person narrative gets thrown out the window and it becomes a personal experience.
I think you need to re-read your work before posting it. Make sure you're telling the same story all the way down.
The story line isn't bad ... I'm not keen on your style of writing, but that's just my personal opinion. I'm by no means the defining body on ways to tell a story. ... is the thing that makes you blind
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