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| Like it? |
| Yes |
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23% |
[ 3 ] |
| No |
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15% |
[ 2 ] |
| Meh...could be better |
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61% |
[ 8 ] |
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| Total Votes : 13 |
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 Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 10:45 am
Okay so this ia actually an intro I did for a digimon rp.Tell me what you think!!
Nala crouched in the upstairs of her large,mansion-like house.The house was large and white with eagles on pedastals at the sides of the structure. Down at the door,two large,white gargoyles with open mouths and frightning eyes stood,Watching,waiting.Nala's Chesnut hair fell into her big, green,eyes. I MUST get this cut.. She thought with a frustrating attempt of brushing it out of her face. 'Tap,tap,tap.' The sound of claws on the linolium greeted nala as terriermon padded up the steps.The rabbit digimon carried a tray of breakfast food into the room while carefully balancing a vase of flowers on his little white head,(Though he had to carry the vase as carefully as possible so it did'nt fall over his little horn).
He had a very serious and determined look on his ussually care free face as he slowly padded into the room,(He also walked very slowly so as to not trip over his long ears as he had done before,a case,in which,ended with the breakfast over her face as well as half of the room). Terriermon sat on the bed and sighed heavily as though a large burden had just been lifted of of his little rabbit shoulders.Nala smiled,and stood. Terriermon had already begun to scarf down the eggs,finished them,then headed for the pancakes. Nala chuckeled. "And I suppose you'll be kind enough to grace me with the flowers?" She joked. Terriermon gulped down a pancake and grabed for another. "I wash gon' fer ghem nesht" Terriermon tried to joke through a mouth full of pancake.Nala laughed. "Hey,are you ready to see Sora and Biomon." Terriermon eyed her but did'nt turn from his gourging himself. "Hmm...mabye...I gesh it kinder depensh." He mummbled.
Nala stood. "Well...we're going." She said firmly. Before he could get them she grabbed the 4 pieces of bacon on the plate and ran downstairs,much to terriermon's protest.
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Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 12:53 pm
Needs.. Lines... Eyes bleeding. wahmbulance
Please next time you make a post, could you make a space between paragraphs? Please, it makes things much easier to read that way, and many people won't even bother to read posts made without proper spacing.Got Lines? I am a block of text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text.. and now I'm done.
Oh lookie! a space between this block of text and the other one above! Oh insightful. This is definitely better looking than one whole block of text. My eyes surely won't bleed now! Thanks "Space Between Paragraphs" Man!
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Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 1:18 pm
Your thirteen and don't know how to properly capitalize letters, place spaces, use quotation marks, and punctuate!!!
eek
surprised
O.O
I would also suggest a different variety of words instead of 'large'.
Large is fine once or twice but the repetition of it can get a tad irksome.
If you can't think of any synonyms for large then I'd suggest a thesaurus.
You also repeat yourself; I mean, if something is mansion-like (referring to the first sentence), then it will obviously be large.
You then state in the next sentence, again, that the house is large.
You don't have much imagery in this either (I noted that you do have one simile, but it is rather hackneyed).
Please don't take any of this as rude, you asked what we think and I gave an honest answer.
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