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It started with a simple question in one of those times that I wished for a distraction from the river of human thoughts flowing endlessly into my head, giving me the closest thing to mental bleeding and torture I’ve known since my… Creation. Focusing on other things, however trivial, appeared to help me control the dull ongoing idiocy and this question had been bothering me since I first smelt the aroma of what I had been only months ago.

“Carlisle,” I murmured, I wanted to make sure I had his attention.

He rested his volume on his lap, his face smooth and pleasant, “Yes, Edward?”

“What,” I paused, trying to form the question coherently while pressing my fingertips into my icy forehead as if I could dispel my plague with the simple pressure, “What compels us, as vampires, to desire—no, crave—human blood? And why only human blood; not that of an animal?”

Carlisle looked surprised, staring at my hunched over state before glancing away towards the drawn curtains where the setting sun’s rays lit the fabric and made it almost translucent. His forehead was wrinkled in thought and his fingers tapped together once before he answered in his calm voice that signaled he was still in deep thought, “What indeed?”

For an immeasurable amount of time, silence wafted between us, but I can’t say I enjoyed Carlisle’s quiet brooding. My head was pounding with the onslaught of the thoughts pouring in from the streets, rooms, buildings—everywhere. Even my “father’s” thoughts were quickly and calmly humming in the background, overpowered by the inane chatter. All of this choked out all my own personal thoughts and inner ponderings, veiling most of my own thoughts on the matter of which I addressed, the moment I clawed at one possible reason, an alien mumble overrode it.

I couldn’t even grasp what my existence consisted of the first week after my ‘death’; the ‘voices,’ hunger, fear, and confusion was all I could remember. As for my actions, I could have been a serial killer or pressed into a corner, screaming, I’m not sure.

Carlisle was worried at first, and started immediately when I ‘awoke.’ I saw the day replaying in his mind after I got a slight adjustment to my control on the inner muddles of the human mind. It felt completely unnatural, watching myself—no, a being with the slight structures of myself, but not really me—bolt straight up in a flash and tangling his fingers into his hair, mouth open for a silent yell with eyes wide open with irises of a vivid, violent red. The moment I saw that tint of color, the rest of the image seemed to fade into an uncompleted photograph—a lack of color, but the eyes were painted over carefully. I had then tried to extract myself from his mind, but the image continued as if it was happening right in front of me—a boy cringing into a circle of blood stained clothes, coursing through a spasm of pain. By then, Carlisle was at his—I was uncomfortable accepting that figure to be me—side, a hand on each shoulder, asking in a desperate tone what was wrong.

‘The voices! They won’t stop!’ Was the hoarse reply in the silent room—even with Carlisle’s hearing, it was utterly silent. It wasn’t too long before he realized what my ‘gift’ truly was. That’s the main conflict we have, even if we never voiced it—the fact that my mind-reading was or wasn’t to be considered a gift.

It makes this whole reality that much more convincing and powerful. A constant reminder that my thoughts were nothing like the humans that I once belonged to, not a concern of theirs was the same as mine. I didn’t have to worry about money, the war, aging, getting sick, family deaths, food, or love. After all, what would I need money for? Only clothes and shelter, which both could be easily taken care of without money. The war was no longer a close reality since I could never age to the drafting age and because of that I also didn’t have to worry about growing old, for I wasn’t growing at all. My family was all dead, and technically, so was I so there was no need to be concerned over that. Food was plentiful; wherever there was a living creature, I could be satisfied, though it would be preferable that it wasn’t human, no matter how tempting they are...

And love. How ever could a creature that can only bring death, have no room for his own thoughts, and can leave no one else the peace and privacy of their own thoughts to themselves gain a chance for love? Who would want my stone-cold heart that wouldn’t even move for its own master? There were no redeeming qualities of my character to capture a maiden’s heart, unlike Carlisle who deserved nothing less than a kind hearted soul for putting up with his work and then the heavy burden of me.

“I don’t have a real answer for that question, actually,” He smiled wistfully after his long pause, “But I have thought about this question a few times myself. I even asked a friend of mine this question.

“What makes vampires crave human blood? What causes them to attack and kill what they themselves were once before? Why would they do such a thing?”

His expression shifted into one of a sober brooding, “Perhaps it’s simple. The taste, the convenience, the familiarity of it through their veins, of the fact that humans are the greatest predators in the current time.

“Those answers don’t satisfy me, and I’m sure that they don’t satisfy you as well, since you’ve never actually tasted human blood. As for me, I felt disgusted—no offense, of course, to you, Edward—when I tasted human blood.

“If we stay with that latter thought, then there’s plenty of possibilities if you choose to realize them. It could be heredity in vampires; another trait if you will. One of the few sacrifices of becoming one of us, seeing as how almost everything else is turned to our favor; including the issue of our skin in the sunlight. Our skin is an appreciation to light and color, if you look at it properly. You can live for as long as you wish, eternity being a choice, unstopped by the limitations of humanity, plus the fact that we can survive on a small amount of subsistence for long periods of time. So, the downfall of our race is to be a destructive force to our former species. Therefore, that fact tends to bar away most thoughts of becoming one of us—the fear of unknowingly murdering a loved one. Or worse, feeding off of them like a leech, sucking them dry to sustain themselves.

“Or, it could possibly be from the habits of the first of the vampires, whose ideas are built subconsciously into every one of us. Perhaps, he or she lived off of humans out of disgust or revenge, but whichever it was, the thoughts are logged in the minds of his or her descendants.”

Carlisle gave a low chuckle when his glance caught my disbelieving stare from behind my fingers, “I know that it knows far-fetched, but if vampirism can be passed, who’s to say what doesn’t come along with it?”

He didn’t pause to allow me to speak, but continued on, once again putting back on his mask, “But I find those ideas slightly romantic. That it’s something that a vampire has no choice in, but that they are required to do. And in the end, it’s not their fault, but something that was expected and they are free of punishment and may continue on because what they are is their excuse and passage. However, everyone is responsible for what they do and they have a choice in what they can survive off; like us for example, we live off animals and it’s not that bad.

“What I believe to be the main cause is envy. Why am I not like them anymore? Why can’t I be like them?

“As you must have noticed, when a vampire is… Born, they are completely ravenous. It doesn’t take long to realize the difference in the craving, and then what you are. The vampire would then go into a blind fit of jealousy of their lost humanity and let their thirst control their actions. Thus, they kill the cause of their frustration; the human.”

I furrowed my brow as he spoke. Jealousy? It didn’t add up too smoothly, but then again, vampires are just an extended species of humans and I have heard of human murderers who killed out of jealousy, not spite. Most often was the novel story of a battle over love; and despite that was a story, it had to come from somewhere and if it can be thought of, it can be probably be done, especially something like that.

“I think the saying, ‘you are what you eat’ is what our kind is trying to ultimately realize while scoffing at the idea. Oh, if it was true! They would then gladly murder to become human again; to live, to be warm, to be able to die!

“If this was the theory, that vampires feed off humans to become human, then it’s safe to claim that vampires are unwilling to let go of their past lives as humans quite yet; that they were changed before they were ready to end their time as a human. They want to be what they aren’t, a very human thing, isn’t it? Humans always want to improve themselves to be something more—something better and superior.

“And, another thing, the anger, envy, and feeling of superiority towards humans are all therefore connected. Envy generally fuels anger and anger, in excess, causes violence. Perhaps vampires were dramatically different before they realized the differences between themselves and humans. Then they might have grown angry and jealous because humans have advantages of life over vampires: a possibility of a painless death, the ability to create life, the experiences of weather and sickness. Things we have no hold on. Vampires can only create death—it’s impossible for us to create life—and if not bitten by another, we could have died without the pain it takes for us to die a second time.

“And the superiority issue. Ah, yes, we all have it, and had it in our human life, too, in some degree. We have advantages that humans don’t possess. If left to our own devices, we can only be killed by others who can perform the task, not by ourselves. We never have to sleep and therefore can get more done, but the most important details are physical: strength, senses, intellect, memory, speed, and deadliness. All of which surpass that of any human, including the fact that we also can easily attract humans to ourselves,” Carlisle had added the last ‘trait’ with a hint of annoyance, “And our easy preservation and an impossibly strong defense system—we’re unstoppable in comparison, and some might even push their prowess close to hubris.

“Vampires are attracted to the blood of humans in an attempt to find a way into humanity until other motives take a hold. That might be the reason why some attack their own family—hoping that their blood has the answer to make them human—or out of envy; why was I the one?

“It’s disturbing how it wounds around itself, isn’t it? Vampires want to become human again, but become so overwhelmed that they lose their original motivation and heavily depend on human blood. They become more vampire-like by trying to rid of their vampire nature. And then, humans classify vampires as a threat and seek to protect themselves from us.

“That makes it worse—worse for those newly changed and the old ones. It makes the gap wider and more noticeable. You start to fear for yourself; you’re not human and you will never be.” This theme in his speech was starting to pierce through the barrier of external thoughts, “You’re a feared parasite of humans, and the humans are trying to destroy you and your kind. Vampires then react and seek to defend themselves from the humans and act in defiance, challenge, or even revenge.

“The idea is planted—if you are turned into a vampire then there is no longer a hope for you. You will kill humans, drain them of blood, and are in league with the Devil. There is no atonement possible for a vampire and you must be destroyed before you destroy us. That’s the human logic.

“It’s expected, however. The young vampires give into those ideas and act in pure self-preservation, killing whatever poses a threat and hiding; killing and hiding.

“That would help explain our interesting social system, as well. Most vampires travel alone, you see, because they don’t trust each other. It’s that way of thinking—vampires are evil, they’ll kill me if let my guard down for an instance. It’s better to attack than to be attacked. Therefore they are always wary and are easy to set off by their companion vampires. There are unwritten rules upon unwritten rules on how to act around other vampires to lessen the chance of starting a duel or the need for contest or suspicion. It’s completely tedious and ridiculous, but necessary, I suppose. After all, we’re all the same to the core-construction—ancient human remains.

“The omnipotent thing is the human. What they are, what they say, what they believe—it all effects us who have nothing to believe but what they feed us. Our desires, their desires, do not cross, though you know this better than me. We want to be like them; free and loved. They don’t want to be like us; supposedly evil, possessed, unwanted, and the predator.

“It’s a matter of understanding, that’s all it is. We want to be accepted by them, but we’re going about it all wrong. We’re trying to be the lion in the sheep’s clothing, but the lion had to kill the sheep to gain the skin! The lion can’t become a sheep and the sheep fear the lion. And the sheep don’t want to be the lion; to be feared.

“But the solution is simple—well, to be said, but to be proven is quite… Unpopular and restrictive. Maybe too restrictive. Can you guess what it is, Edward?” His golden eyes looked at me expectedly.

I pressed my fingertips against my forehead with more force and closed my eyes, attempting to calm the roar of thoughts to answer this as I desired. However, it didn’t work and I surrendered, opening my eyes and staring at him behind the cage of my fingers.

“You find alternatives. Another life—Existence-style,” I corrected my mistake immediately.

Carlisle frowned at my correction, “And why can’t we call it a life-style? After all, we are alive, just alive in a different way from humans. But, yes. Recently, other vampires have been much more careful with their eating habits since the Hunts a while ago. However, the ideas sadly still remain, so they still hunt humans. If they hunt as we do, what do you think will happen?”

“We’ll become a work of fiction, fairies tales, and folk lore.”

“That’s the human side of it, yes. But the vampire might finally be able to accept who and what they are. But it’s a very unlikely thought now—like I said before, too romantic. Vampires are a scarred and stubborn race; burned by the desires of returning to humanity, angered by human accusations, and haunted with revenge and mental murder,” He looked at me sheepishly then, “I can say this because I’ve watched other vampires and hunted and hated them as a human. But when I was turned, I didn’t give in or fall into envy or hatred. I wasn’t apart of the affliction. I didn’t crave human blood the same way the others did and, now, I don’t feel compelled at all. But, Edward, you’re struggling.”

I felt myself go rigid, although I didn’t feel the need to do such. It was a casual statement now that I’ve been a vampire; a damned abomination. I stared at my colorless, cool palm as I answered my voice light and casual as if I was discussing the weather, not blood lust. I was vaguely disgusted with myself for being so casual about it, but the voices kept that emotion disconnected from myself. As I spoke, my voice went further than my thoughts, “I am, but I don’t understand why. It doesn’t make sense to me. I wasn’t a violent character before my… Death, sometimes discourteous, but not violent. In a sense, some of what you hypothesized could be true, but it’s difficult to grasp. Why would I kill someone to be more like them? That’s deranged. I don’t want to depend off of human blood, but it still attracts me. The scent, the color, everything about it. It draws me in unwillingly, like a fish to a decorative lure. The ultimate, but most forbidden! The most sinful—”

“But vampires are natural sinners, correct? No redemption,” Carlisle’s soft, sad reply cut my rabble short.

“Then why—?” I jerked my head up sharply from my hand, staring at him bewildered; was he feeding my unnatural, yet somehow natural, and disgusting thirst or strengthening his resolve?

“That’s what they say, isn’t it? That vampires are the Devil’s counterparts, just like witches and demons. God condemns them from the light and rescue of Heaven,” His saddened face brightened slightly, “Though, it all depends on who you ask; I personally disagree but I cannot find many who agree with me. Most fall into the human belief.”

I shook my head, dropping it back into the capture of my hand. At this moment, I was tragically agreeing with the multitude on this subject. Vampires are unnatural creatures, surviving death and surviving off the death of others. Why would God desire to have creatures that brought so much death among his creations to join him at his side?

Carlisle waited patiently for a moment before continuing on, “But it’s all human thoughts! Even though we’ve changed physically, mentally we stay the same until we let our new change and thirst take hold over us. You don’t want to drink human blood, but it’s still tempting. What did you think of vampires as a human?”

My eyebrows pulled together in confusion as I thought, “They drank blood…”

Vampires weren’t one of my main topics of thought as a human, if I truly ever thought of them at all before I was changed. There were far more pressing matters, much like the subjects I no longer worry about and, now, often dismiss as nonsense.

“Just think about when you heard ‘vampire;’ what did it correspond with?”

“Damned,” I mumbled after a pause, pulling my head back up, “nocturnal, human-parasites. Soulless, evil creatures of fiction. Unjustified and demonic.”

“You didn’t think alluring, captivating, trusting, misunderstood, scared, worried, hunted, or confused creatures, did you?” Carlisle’s soft tone made my head drop back into my open hand, “You stopped in the personal threat to yourself. Just like how a human thinks of s spider—disgusting, unnatural, blood-sucking, and a desire to get it away from you. A desire to get it before it gets you.”

I winced at the comparison between vampires and a hated pest; it was a direct assault upon our presence, “Is that what we are?”

I heard him stand and walk across the room, then he replied with a careful, slow tone, “No, we’re more than that. Much more. Spiders are for the most part helpless. As vampires, we are more than capable of defending ourselves from humans. We’re fatal no matter what—spiders aren’t all[/il fatal. One way or another, if a human come into contact with a vampire’s teeth, they are dead; from blood loss or from the venom. But we are viewed the same and that’s the problem. The vampires and humans both need to change thoughts, that’s all. But, you, out of everyone else, should know that it’s not easy to change a thought pattern.”

I groaned, “I hate it.”

He crossed the room and put a hand on my shoulder, his tone comforting and encouraging, “You have only been a vampire for a few months, Edward, and you don’t have a lot of experience with your power yet. Give it some time; you’ll get it under control.”

“It still doesn’t make sense to me, Carlisle,” I looked at him through my fingers once again.

He sighed, shaking his head as he went back to his chair and, removing the ajar novel, sat back down, “You said it yourself, Edward. A ‘human parasite,’ ‘unjustified,’ ‘soulless.’ Do you really believe you’re all those things?”

I stared at him in disbelief; he asked me what I thought of vampires as a human, “Excuse me?”

Carlisle looked at me seriously, “Do you believe you’re a soulless, unjustified human parasite, Edward?”

That stopped me, causing my mind to work against itself, pushing the petty dribble of my talent behind my own thoughts.

Was I soulless? Honestly, I didn’t want to know the answer. But what did I see when I caught a glimpse at myself? A hollow shell with dangerous crimson eyes glaring back at me instead of green or the gold that Carlisle possesses? Or a lost soul confused in a new environment and skills? I was stuck on the eyes; how could a being with a soul have such eyes? How could something that so strongly craves for human blood contain a soul? Despite the fact that I didn’t want to know, my answer was in my own eyes, staring back at me from the glass of a mirror; no soul resides in this vassal.

My thirst was unjustified, I’ll admit, but how was my person unjustified or justified? If I had acted on my cravings, then I would be unjustified, but I hadn’t. Therefore was I justified? No, but I wasn’t unjustified either. It was impossible to answer this question right now since there was nothing to justify yet.

As for being a human parasite, I hadn’t touched a human, let alone be in a room with one. The closest I’ve been to a human is when one of Carlisle’s co-workers had come to drop off some food that we gave away between the time it rotted and the time the co-worker left. I was hidden in another room in case he might have recognized me, who was to be presumed dead from the Influenza and buried six feet under with my parents. But, even though I didn’t come in contact with a human, whenever one came closer then before, the desire for their blood was almost overwhelming. In that situation, it was the thought that truly counted so although I was a parasite to the definition, I also longed to be a human parasite.

It was utterly disgusting how the conclusions were drawn. I couldn’t even be an ally to myself!

I closed my eyes and hutched over further. I heard him sigh and his concern thoughts swam around in the background of my mind. I ignored them as well as I could, drowning and mixing them into the other voices.

“It’s the thoughts that form the person, Edward, please keep that in mind,” I heard him stand and take a slow pace away from me, “It’s time I headed back to the hospital, when I return we’ll go hunting again, but don’t wander off today. I’m sorry, but until your eyes—”

I shook my head, “I know, Carlisle. I’ll stay here tonight. Have fun at work,” I said the last part dryly.

He didn’t move for a moment, then I heard the door open and close, his footsteps growing quieter, but not quite fading fully until he reached the shadowed outside. His thoughts, however, were still echoing in my head for the next few minutes, the last one I heard before his voice also disappeared was: Be careful, son.

I smiled sourly, pulling my head back so that I could stare at my pale palm. Before the nighttime banter of the restless human mind consumed me, I drew my own conclusion to my question to add to what Carlisle had stated. Except, this one was connected to my own personal beliefs that Carlisle had made painfully obvious, and which I accepted with little agreement.

My conclusion was that vampires are soulless creatures, devouring blood to regain their soul, and since they were of human origin, vampires crave human blood to obtain a human soul for themselves.


~~


It wasn’t difficult to listen to her fragile heartbeat over the electric humming, the forced movement of air, and the delayed, monotonic heart monitor. A feeling of a false calm beat with it; fluttering through me strongly before waning with anger and worry only to course through me again the moment I heard her precious heart.

Alice was hovering over my shoulder for a while after the encounter at the studio with Bella’s blood. But after she confirmed both Bella’s and my own safety—along with the additional factor of James’s unpleasant farewell gift—she kept an unusual amount of distance between our persons. I didn’t press for a reason, but took advantage of the absence of conversation.

Today was the first day the hospital allowed visitors, but the lack of permission hadn’t stop me. I would sit next to the bed every chance I could, waiting until she opened her eyes. I selfishly wanted to be there when it happened, and to be the one she saw first.

I leaned forward in the hard plastic seat, over the metal frame of the bed, and rested my hand next to hers on the white sheets. I never wanted to see Bella lying in a bed of white again—she belonged under that old quilt of hers in a room of blue. The empty surroundings appeared to be a draining force on Bella’s life, demanding a part of her to fill its emptiness. I wanted to set my bandaged angel back on her own bed, where I could patiently wait next to her or on the rocking chair in the corner. Or, in the very least, paint the colorless walls with something comfortable for her to awake in; anything but black, red, or white.

I stared at her right hand—the one with the wound that could have ruined our pretense of clumsy Bella tripping on the stairs and falling out a window. And the wound that would have killed her; either from James or from me. I didn’t dare touch the gauze-covered hand out of fear of hurting her and out of fear of how I’d hurt her.

I had done what I had been avoiding for months, spraining my limits and hounding down my cravings for conflicting with my desires. I had tasted her blood; drank from her! I drank the blood of the one person who took my unbeating heart and made it move. I had wounded her soul!

That was my resolve, after all; my conclusion. A vampire kills to obtain a soul.

What more of a pure soul is alive then the one who made no prejudices against her almost murderer! No, she went further than that. She said she loved me.

But how did that stand now? Would she still love me even though I went after her very soul? Would she turn away in disgust when she saw me or further risk her soul to stay with me?

I was split. I wanted her to remain with me selfishly, but I could risk no damage to the soul who offered me shelter from loneliness.

If she no longer wished to be near me, I’ll go or try to. I couldn’t predict my actions. It would be painful to be away from her, but if she desired it—there was no arguing that it was also for her own well-being—I would do my best to separate myself from her.

But if she held onto our relationship? Would I be able to control myself around her as well now that her blood had run through my veins? I couldn’t afford to harm her anymore—Bella never should have been harmed.

My glaze remained on the wrapped patch of gauze as I started my new conclusions. Conclusions that were much more important than the last ones.

Bella in my presence was a risk to her soul, seeing as how my desire has only strengthened. Therefore, if she continues to long to be with me, I’ll comply, but should something that was close to happening—I wouldn’t allow it to be carried out—that put her at risk then the correct precautions must be taken, no matter how painful it is for me; Bella’s soul must be preserved. Even if that includes leaving.

A pain that I haven’t felt in almost ninety years coursed through me; a smearing, burning pain that flamed throughout me with the very thought of leaving. How would I be able to stop myself from returning to her and asking for her love again?

I withdrew my hand and rested it on my lap and falling back against the chair, I closed my eyes.

A new voice had appeared a while ago and was approaching; the footsteps easily audible on the sterile tile floors. It was Renée and she was in a panic to get to her injured daughter, only one hall away. Only one hall away.

My silence was about to be broken.

And that's it. It's a tad long for a one-shot, I'll admit, but I enjoyed writing it.

So, what do you think? Any thoughts or questions? I'll be happy to answer any questions. 3nodding

~C-chan

Post-Script: Please excuse the slight grammar and spelling errors; I had no Beta and I skipped over a few mistakes that I noticed after the publication on FF.net. Thank you.

wow...very sophisticated....but i've always wanted to know this: whats a oneshot? i've heard it everywhere but I don't know what it is...