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 Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 10:07 pm
Please Post any Joke that You Might Think is Funny
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Posted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 3:48 pm
Come on, Isamu! Who knows a clean joke that's funny these days?! I mean who said it can be a little dirty with some crude humor? I mean clean, come on!! Let's break them while their young, let's rebel against the lord, Bagpipes are singing the tunes of war!!!
Come on, let's be a little dark here, Isamu!
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Posted: Tue Dec 25, 2007 3:52 pm
I know a joke! ok this is how it goes...
a guy asked a blonde which is nearer, the moon or Florida? The blonde said the moon because you cannot see florida!
Im sorry for all the blondes out there! My apologies... lol
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Posted: Tue Dec 25, 2007 5:57 pm
Oh boy... clean joke... havn't heard one of those in a while...
Borrowed form another forums:
One day, Eve was walking in the garden with the Lord. She said, "Lord, the garden is wonderful, and the animals and birds provide such joy, but I am still lonely sometimes."
"No problem!" the Lord replied. "I will make you a man for a companion. He will desire to please you and to be with you. But I have to warn you, he won't be perfect. He'll have a difficult time understanding your feelings, will tend to think only of himself, and will stay out late with his bowling buddies."
"What's bowling?" Eve asked.
"Oh... never mind. I was just getting ahead of myself, sorry."
"That's OK. I think I can handle this 'man'," Eve replied.
"Great, I'll get right to it!" God said, and started grabbing some mud and shaping it.
Suddenly, the Lord stopped and said to Eve, "Oh, there's one other thing about this man I'm making for you."
"What's that?" asked Eve.
"You'll have to tell him he was here first. It'll be our secret, girl to girl..."
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Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 3:28 pm
Which One Is Married? Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None." replied Johnny,"'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."
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Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 5:35 pm
Okay! I like this one:
Q. How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. One, but it'll take seven episodes.
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Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 7:41 am
XD Oh man! I don't know much clean jokes.
A Cop pulled a car over for speeding.
When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late.
The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Cop that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Cop told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the Cop got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Cop observed him doing this, and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my butt to jail, cause there's NO way I’ll pass that test."
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Posted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 9:42 am
A woman was getting fed up with her husband. They had been married for years, but he rarely showed any love or affection towards her. One day, she hit her breaking point. As her husband was sitting down to watch the game, she stepped in front of the TV and said to him. "Tomorrow's my birthday, I know you didn't remember. For my birthday I want something that will go from zero to two hundred and fifty in six seconds, and it had better be in the driveway tomorrow morning, or else were getting divorced." Now, the husband, not wanting to go through that whole process, immedaitely got up, and left to buy his wife's birthday gift. Very early, the man placed the wrapped gift in the driveway and left to go to work. The wife, as soon as she woke up, rushed out to the driveway to see if her husband had done what she said. Sure enough, there was an enoumous box with a huge bow on top. Surprised, but eager, she tore through the wrapping paper and opened the box to find...
*highlight to see*
...a scale.
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 2:14 pm
Oh that is mean! I was thinking something else because you had it hidden. XD
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Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2008 10:08 am
Chinese Torture !!!
Once there was a man that had survived a terrible plane crash and was lost in
a forest. He had no idea where he was or which way to go. He wandered for days
and survived on berries and twigs. He was way too slow to catch any kind of
animal and couldn't even start a fire. He should have joined the boy scouts
when he was young. After two weeks of wandering he found a thin, but three
story house with smoke coming out of the chimney. Without hesitation he
knocked on the door. A little man answered the door. He had a long white beard
that hung almost to the floor.
Please sir, I need some food and shelter. Said the young man.
This I will give you but you must promise not to fool with my lovely daughter.
The old man said.
Thank you and I wouldn't think of messing with your daughter.
For if you do I will inflict the three most gruesome Chinese torture tests
that have ever been devised. The man, too weak, agreed, not thinking that any
woman could arouse him in his weak state. After a shower and some sleep the man
came down to eat. A grand dinner was set up and the man sat to eat. The old
man's daughter entered the room and to great surprise of the young man, she
was most beautiful. So beautiful that the man could hardly tear his eyes away
from her during the meal.
Later that night the man crept into the girl's room to take one last look at
her for he had promised to leave early the next morning with a map the old man
gave him. When he opened the door he saw that the girl was awake and to his
surprise she ushered him in. Well, being stuck in a forest with just your
father doesn't surpress all urges, so one thing lead to another. They were as
quiet as possible not to wake the old man. After a few hours (OH WOW) the man
crept to his room thinking that any torture would be worth what he had just
done. He fell asleep thinking of her.
Early in the morning he got up and felt an enormous pain on his chest. It was a
rock with a sign on it that said: 1st Chinese torture, 100 pound rock on chest !
Well, this wasn't hardly what the man thought would rate as torture and threw
the rock out the window. As he did this he saw a second sign just outside the
window that said: 2nd Chinese torture, Left testicle tied to 100 pound rock !
The man jumped out of the window without hestitation knowing a 3 story drop
would be far better than what was in store for him.
As he fell to the ground he saw a large sign on the ground. It said: 3rd
Chinese torture, right testicle tied to bed post !
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Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 12:51 pm
Ouch. I'm not a guy but I felt that one. XD
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Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 11:34 pm
XD My family is redneck so I can put this up. XD
Two rednecks decided they weren't going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." said the first redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said,
"Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife," continued the professor.
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right!" exclaimed the redneck. Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example.
Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're GAY, ain't ya?"
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Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 10:22 pm
An old lady was rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appeared in front of her and informed her that she would be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," sayed the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF ***
Her rocking chair turned to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF ***
She turned into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wandered across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome young prince?" she asked.
*** POOF ***
There before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and whispers in her ear.
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
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Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 3:20 pm
Are You Smart Enough For 3rd Grade?
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions,okay?
Harry: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
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