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 Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 12:47 am
This is a poem I wrote,
a while ago,
I would like your opinion on it.
The One I lost
I've loved you as long as you where alive,
I've fed you as long as you were mine,
I've seen you as long as you were here,
But I don't know why,
I haven't seen you since,
But I know why you said good bye,
I saw you in my dream, and I know what it means,
It means; "good bye my darling mother,
For now I must go, but before I leave,
I must say I love you, my darling mother,"
As he said his good bye, I woke shaking in my bed,
For he is gone, we've been torn apart,
I know I don't need to think back, I can look ahead,
Because I will always know in my heart,
You where human.
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Posted: Sat Aug 11, 2007 7:47 pm
Would you prefer that I meticulously heal the garish wounds that you have administered to the face of the English language, or ought I simply throw a brick at your head and call it a day? Such a mutilation of any language is utterly inadmissible and should be avoided at severe cost to the writer. If you would care to revise it, then perhaps I would offer some criticism on the work itself. If not, then I suggest that you drown yourself in the nearest toilet.
Am I being cruel? Undoubtedly, however, I do not tolerate semi-literate writings in the literature forum of all places.
[edit]
Upon reflection, I realize that the poor spelling might be attributed to rushed typing, in which case I would suggest to slow down, learn to properly touch type, and/or not type up a literary work if rushed or pressed for time.
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Posted: Sun Aug 12, 2007 6:23 am
Oh my!
I didn't even see the typo's... ><
sorry, I was typing it from a piece of paper that I put in front of the screen.
I didn't spell check xP
I fixed them... go ahead and judge cruelly now!
^^
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Posted: Sun Aug 12, 2007 7:54 am
xd No problem. Just wanted to make sure that you weren't... *Electric Barbarella starts playing* Ooh! I plug you in/ Dim the lights, electric barbarella...
Right... your poem >_<
Hmm... it's hard to say... It doesn't flow particularly well, mediocre word choice--you might have done better to assign a set metre and/or rhyme scheme. As far as the message that the poem conveys, I must say that it lays the groundwork for quite an exceptional work. So, all-in-all, you really just need to work on your wording; make the end word of each line rhyme or compliment with corresponding lines in some manner which might strike your fancy. Fix that up a bit, and you ought be well off. ^_^
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Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 7:46 am
Thankys, I did write it quite a while ago...
It deserves a nice update.
^^
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