[SCENE: Athens, Amphitheatre. A large audience of Greeks wait expectantly for the show to begin.]
VOICE OF BOREOS: It’s a lovely evening in Athens! A perfect evening fooooooor…the PLATO Show! And here’s your host…PLATO!
[ENTER PLATO. The cheer of the audience fills the amphitheater as a pudgy, balding man in an alcohol stained toga walks onto the stage.]
PLATO: Welcome, welcome, noble Athenians! It’s wonderful to see you all here!
[The audience roars.]
Guest One: Thanatos, the Spirit of Death
PLATO: By Zeus’ beard, do we have a show for you tonight! You wouldn’t believe the kinds of sacrifices and offerings we’ve resorted to in order to get our celebrity guests here for this very, very special episode of the PLATO show! And you definitely won’t believe just who our guests are. But I’m giving too much away. Ladies and gentleman! Nobles and slaves! May I present to you our first, very special guest…
[A drum roll plays (rather anachronistically, as drums were not common in Ancient Greek culture). The audience is on the edge of their seats.]
PLATO: He’s the harvester of souls, the messenger of Doom, the last face you’ll ever see! May I present to you, the Reaper, the Winnower, the Big K.O....THANATOS!
[The audience automatically begins to applaud, then falls silent as they make the mental connection between the name and its owner. Several shocked and uncomfortable faces can be seen, and one or two elderly citizens leave the audience and rush to the nearest exit. ENTER THANATOS, dressed in a plain black exomis. His silver hair is unkempt and tangled. He stares nervously at the audience with wide, starlit black eyes, and grins tentatively. A Ker attends him, ushering him to his seat, carrying in her bloodstained hands a silver chalice and a decanter filled with an unappetizing black liquid. Thanatos stares awkwardly at his seat before sitting down.]
PLATO: I’ve got to say, it’s a great honor to have you here with us on the PLATO Show, I’m a big fan of your work.
THANATOS: [surprised] R…Really?
PLATO: [falters] Err…well, not really, I, uh…just wanted to make you feel more comfortable, I…
THANATOS: [deflated] Oh.
PLATO: Um… [rallies] so anyway, welcome to the Show!
THANATOS: Uh, yes…yes, good to be here, I uh…thank you?
[A moment of awkward silence]
PLATO: Soooooo, tell us a little about yourself! Who are you and what do you do?
THANATOS: Well, I am Death.
PLATO: [jokingly] Is that who you are, or what you do?
THANATOS: [dead serious] Both.
PLATO: I see. [hesitates] Anything to add to that?
THANATOS: Not really, no.
PLATO: Huh. [drawn out sigh].
THANATOS: Can I leave now?
PLATO: Eh, not so fast there, Mr. Death. So tell us about your family.
THANATOS: Night is my mother. Darkness is my father. Sleep is my twin brother.
PLATO: Ah, so the typical nuclear family, then?
THANATOS: No, not really. I also have about thirty five other brothers and sisters.
PLATO: Oh, so the typical Greek family. Right. Do you get along with your siblings?
THANATOS: No. Well, one or two. I was never very close with Deceit, Retribution, Strife, Madness, Affection, Blame, Pain, or the Dreams. I work very closely with Old Age, the Demises, Decay and the Boatman, but I would not chance to deem those relationships affectionate, or even friendly. My brother Hypnos and I are inseparable, however.
PLATO: [Stares blankly] …that’s…quite a menagerie you have there.
THANATOS: Indeed.
PLATO: So, you say you’re very close with your twin brother then?
THANATOS: Yes.
PLATO: And he’s not….asleep all the time, or something?
THANATOS: Not as often as you might think. He spends most of his time chasing butterflies or swimming in the Lethe.
PLATO: Which one is the ‘older’ twin?
THANATOS: I am.
PLATOS: So does he look up to you or anything?
THANATOS: Yes, and it is quite aggravating. He takes after me in all things. Even Sleep itself is no more than a fleeting imitation of Death.
PLATO: Riiiiiiiiiiight. Moving on – describe your work life to us.
THANATOS: Continuous, monotonous, and very dangerous.
PLATO: Dangerous?
THANATOS: Not for me, of course.
PLATO: Of course.
THANATOS: I sieze the life of a mortal when their apportioned lifespan has ended, and then I deliver their shades unto the house of Hades Khthonios, whencefore they are accountable for their own afterlives.
PLATO: Well, at least you meet a lot of people.
THANATOS: Oh yes. Everybody, eventually.
PLATO: And you must travel all over.
THANATOS: That is so.
PLATO: So it can’t all be bad then?
THANATOS: Perhaps not. It does get a bit disheartening from time to time.
PLATO: Why?
THANATOS: Well, there are all the murders and suicides and drownings and burnings and war-casualties and stillbirths and natural disasters and doomed loves..and so on.
PLATO: Ah yes. That.
THANATOS: [Nods uncomfortably]
PLATO: Still, I bet you’re always the life of the party!
THANATOS: …
PLATO: You know, because everybody else is dead…
THANATOS: [coughs]
PLATO: You don’t really have a sense of humor, do you?
THANATOS: No. I must abide with just the five senses.
PLATO: [grinning wryly] I bet you’d be very good at deadpan humor.
[Several groans from the audience. THANATOS shifts nervously in his seat.]
PLATO: Get it? Deadpan? Dead-pan? ‘Coz you’re Death – oh, forget it. Lets hear about your personal life. I’m sure the audience is dying to know whether Death is seeing anybody right now.
THANATOS: I am seeing you right this moment.
PLATO: No, no. Y’know, seeing anybody…like, going out with anyone?
THANATOS: Where?
PLATO: NO! Going out, like on a date!
THANATOS: It is the 2nd of Elaphebolion, approximately 9:25 in the evening.
PLATO: [Screams into his hands before regaining his composure] No, as in a romantic date!
THANATOS: [stares blankly]
PLATO: …With a lover!
THANATOS: [gasps in horror] What!? No! Never!
PLATO: Ooh, touched a raw nerve there. So you’re single?
THANATOS: Yes! And I intend to stay that way.
PLATO: What, are you insecure?
THANATOS: N-no…well, a little. But that's not it.
PLATO: Is all the plumbing working…uh… [whispering] down there?
THANATOS: [nearly falls off his seat] What!? Of course!
PLATO: Oh, sorry. Do you have commitment issues?
THANATOS: [recovering] Considering the vast bulk of people I meet are doomed to die, yes, you could say I have difficulty commiting to someone.
PLATO: What about an immortal? You know, Aphrodite’s not exactly known for playing ‘hard to get’, we could set you up-
THANATOS: [Interrupting] Certainly not!
PLATO: What’s wrong with Aphrodite?
THANATOS: Not only her. All of them. The deathless gods. They hate me with the same ardour that mortals fear me.
PLATO: All of them?
THANATOS: Everybody hates me.
PLATO: Wow. Because of the Death thing?
THANATOS: Most likely.
PLATO: Bummer.
THANATOS: Your pardon?
PLATO: Nevermind. Well, it doesn’t have to be consensual; you could get a concubine, or an Eromenos.
THANATOS: What?
PLATO: You know, like a servant boy…with fringe benefits.
THANATOS: Oh, gods no!
PLATO: Aw, come on, all the other gods are doing it.
THANATOS: Not where I come from!
PLATO: Well, that’s because where you come from, everybody is dead! Unless that’s the sort of thing you go for.
THANATOS: This interview is over!
[THANATOS gets up and stomps off-stage, bowling over his Ker attendant on the way out]
PLATO: [At a loss] Um…Isn’t he adorable, folks? Anyway, you’ll get a real kick out of our next guest! It’s-
[THANATOS pops his head out from behind the Skene]
THANATOS: [Interrupts] Oh, and Plato?
PLATO: Uh, yeah, Thanny?
THANATOS: [Smiles malevolently] I'll be seeing you soon. Very soon...
PLATO: [gulps audibly, followed by nervous laughter] Ahahaha… [In a tiny voice] Looking forward to it…
[THANATOS waves at the audience, then disappears in a plume of black smoke]
PLATO: [shaken] Well, then…moving on to the next guest…
---
This is where you continue with the PLATO show. Pick a deity, any deity, and write up and post the next interview. Try to make yours funnier then mine, though. Thanatos is admittedly a stick-in-the-mud, so I am sure you can do much, much better.
