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WARNING!: Long VERY emo rant.

5AM.

He would get up, I would be getting ready to sleep. We would message back and forth until the sun came up. He would flirt, and simply charm me, and give me some of the most comforting advice and gave me the best answers to everything. I, in return gave him emo bullshit, aggressiveness, and just plain cruel humor in return.

He would pop up on the webcam, and I would do the same, and he would compliment me nonstop and say the cutest things to bring out the good side in me. 5AM is when all my worries went away, and it was just me, him, and MSN.

And sometime in there feelings started surfacing. Somehow he found out, which makes this even harder to get over.

He'd tease me about it all the time, and I'd laugh along, but he continued to act the same around me, which I was worried he wouldn't do if he found out. It was great. Eventually, though, we drifted for a week, and I found resources to books and such that would help me start getting over my long term depression I had going on for awhile.

Which also made me sweeter, and less cruel and aggressive.

He told me he was going away for a month, and I teased him and told him it wouldn't be too long, but told him I'd miss him anyway. He got angry at me, and didn't give me any details why he was going away. I tried asking him if he was angry at me, but I recieved no answer, and he popped online every other day or so for the last week of July, and then I stopped seeing him.

My mission was to get over him, and I always tell myself, I'm totally over him, I'm okay, I'm great, life is good.. but when I'm alone at night I crack and I think more and more about him. I can't go a day without visualizing him once or twice. It's obsessive and disgusting.

And yet, no matter how much I try not to, I do it anyway.

This chapter is meant to be over with, this is supposed to be done. Why isn't over? I keep thinking about him, and I miss him so much, and no one else makes me feel as comfortable as I do when it's just the usaul flirty stupid text conversation between two people on different parts of the world.

For ******** sake, its all just text and live pictures. It's just text and live pictures, it's not like I could ever touch him, or hug him or something like that. How could I be so ******** desperate to have feelings for someone who I've never met before?

And that's another thing that just.. makes me want to explode in both anger and total sadness. He told me he'd meet me one day, no matter what, when I turned 18, he'd come to me, he'd see the "amazing girl that I met a few years ago, no matter what".

If our friendship is over, he lied to me. He didn't keep his promise, and I was so gullible to believe that it would happen. And I began to build on the thought, the "oooh and then maybe blah blah blah could happen" thinking that it would really come true.

And it pisses me off the most that in the end all of this is my fault in the first ******** place for putting all my eggs in one basket, not being careful, and having a wandering very.. imagitive mind. I was too ******** dependent on him, and this is my punishment.

I feel like a spoiled child throwing a fit over something they can't have.