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I need a bit of help. I want ot know if this character is a good antagonist. The main character is a guy named Mesanune. He's the prince of a warmongering nation called Halas. The closest way that I can describe him is by saying he has split personality syndrome. His other half, darker half, is called Dae. Dae is...A sociopath? I guess that's the closest I can get to what he really is. The only thing he really cares about is Mesanune, as long as Mesanune is nice to him. This is just a tidbit of how they act together. I can give another, earlier one, that show's Dae's sweet side if anyone wants to see it. This one is about...chapter 12, the first page of it. Tell me what you think and how I can improve on it.





The people of Halas had been questioning their King for a long time. In the beginning of his reign he had had a lot of good ideas and changes. But as the years progressed he did less and less good. He was allowing the Trinite in. He never met with the people anymore, just stayed locked up in his room. The servants said that they could hear him talking to someone who wasn’t there. They said that he barely slept. He only paced his rooms and sparred with his sword. He never had any opponent, except those already meant for death, and he never let them live for long. He had tried talking to Leeto, but Leeto had problems of his own. Leeto was planning on telling Trent who is father was, even though Mesanune had told him how bad an idea that would be. Leeto laughed it off. Mesanune was in his room like he always was. He hadn’t been out in at least a week. Dae was pestering him again, he hadn’t even let him sleep. Dae had never done that before. But then again, Mesanune had never fought Dae. He had seen what had happened the last time Dae got out. He didn’t want that to happen ever again, it scared him. Mesanune had been talking to Kitera about splitting himself and Dae apart so that he could keep him in one place.
Like that would change anything. I’m stronger than you, you ******** idiot! Mesanune growled softly and started pacing faster, gripping at the sides of his skull. His nails were barely starting to dig in and a slow trickle of blood was starting. Dae laughed in his mind.
You still don’t get it, do you? You’ll never win. I was here first! I was always here and I always will be...You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in Hell against me! Dae laughed again and Mesanune could hear the sharp edge of madness in his laugh. Mesanune groaned softly and curled up on the floor clutching at his head even tighter.
“Sooner Kit gets you out the better...” Mesanune muttered, closing his eyes tightly. He hadn’t slept in three days, not a wink.
You’ll never sleep again...
“SHUT THE HELL UP!” Mesanune roared, jumping to his feet. You can’t make me you stupid p***k. Mesanune snarled and ran out of his room and out to the track. The only way so far that he had found that made Dae leave him alone was to exhaust himself. So he started running, just running until he was so tired he could barely stand upright, let alone walk back to his room. He passed out in the middle of the field. No one even went looking for him.

Dae's gonna get better after the split. Right now all he's concentrating on is getting TO the split. I have an earlier thing that shows the dark and sweet side to Dae. The main thing that happens in the beginning is Mesanune gets his girlfriend Neukwien pregnant. He's madly in love with her and wants to marry her. She tells her parents about it and gets them to marry her off ot another guy. She passes Mesanune's son Leeto off as this man's son. On Leeto's 14 birthday Dae gets out again. That's the 7th chapter about....the first half of it.








Mesanune woke up the day after his son’s birthday feeling better than he had in years. He glanced down and saw that it wasn’t a dream. Neukwein was there with him, she had really meant what she said. She really did love him. He smiled happily and gently disentangled himself from her. He walked over to the foot of the bed and pulled on his pants. He looked around his room slowly. Their clothes were all over, just where they had tossed them. He walked over to one of the systems to let the servants know what they wanted to eat. He ordered all of Neukwien’s favorites. He saw that she was waking and he walked back over to her.
“Morning...” He said as he leaned over to kiss her. She moved back from him quickly.
“s**t...” She looked around the room. “Oh...s**t...” She whispered, getting up quickly.
“I thought we could just stay in bed...I have breakfast on its way up.” He said, following her slowly. She was yanking on her clothes. “Mesanune, last night was wonderful...But it was a mistake!” She said, trying to get her hair in order.
“A mistake...but you said...” She cut him off.
“I was drunk! I say many stupid things when I’m drunk!” She said, finally getting her hair just right. She set about getting her clothes on just right.
“You said that you loved me...That you always had...” He whispered. She laughed softly.
“Mezzy...I stopped loving you when I married Rei...This was a very nice evening, but...It was a lie...” She said, slipping on her shoes.
“No it wasn’t! You marrying Rei, that was the lie!” He said, suddenly starting to get angry. She looked at him coldly.
“I’d prefer if you didn’t insult my husband.” She said. Mesanune’s eyes narrowed.
“What, the shithead that beat up Leeto? The b*****d that tried to keep him away from me? Or that sweet man that ******** you good enough to keep you there with him?” She slapped him hard across the face. He had her hand before she could get away.
“I’ll scream!” She threatened, real fear showing. He chuckled softly, his whole body changing slightly. His hair lost the red highlights and his eyes turned the color of freshly spilled blood. His grip on her hand was actually painful.
“They won’t come running...You’re entertaining the king...And he’s been known to like it rough...Me, I just like the screams, turns me on...” He smiled slightly and she felt her blood chill. There was nothing of Mesanune in that smile.
“Who are you...” She whispered. He laughed out loud.
“Me? I’m just someone who cares about Mesanune’s feeling, cares about them a hell of a lot more than a slut who’ll leave someone she supposedly loves at the first sign of a pretty face. My name is Dae.” He said, smiling again.
“And you just made the biggest mistake of your life.”
~ ~ ~ ~
Neukwein was on the floor, unconscious now. Mesanune was in the corner, crying softly. There was a puddle of vomit beside him.
“Why did you do that?” He whimpered. She hurt you...Lied to you...She got what she deserved... The voice, now dubbed Dae, whispered softly. He sounded almost sad, but very firm.
“It wasn’t supposed to happen like this...” Mesanune moaned, his head slamming back into the wall. A small trickle of blood slid down his scalp. Stop it! There’s no need to have a tantrum. Carry her down to a carriage and tell the man to take her home. Say that she had too much to drink this morning.
“Are you sure?” He sounded hopeful now, almost like a child. Trust me... Dae whispered, so sure of himself. Mesanune did as he was told and an hour later Neukwien was on her way back home. The whole time he was working Dae was whispering encouragement to him. After she was gone Mesanune went back upstairs to sleep. When he was asleep, Dae came out again.
“Pathetic...” He whispered, flexing what was once Mesanune’s hands. He popped his neck then walked down the hall to Kitera’s room.
“Kitten...” Dae called, his voice liberally spiced with his new madness. Kitera opened the door and saw her brother’s new inhabitant.
“I knew that it would come to this someday.” She said, smiling slightly. “Come in...” She stepped back from the door to allow him in.

Cruel disreguard for life and love, clear sense of honor... I think you may have just created my favorite character ever, let alone my favorite antagonist. And he knows what he's doing! A lot of times, they have no clue.

Also, I was wondering, how did you come up with the names? I love them!

...poor Mesanune's going to feel like he didn't get any sleep at all when he wakes up...

One can only wonder how long it'll be until someone yanks the needle out of his hand and smacks him in the face...
Ah, but I love it. The inevitable question: Are you done yet?

There is a chemical in your brain

-1-
Mesanune sat on the throne he would soon be inheriting. All was silent in the hall. He was all alone. But you’re never really alone, are you?
“Shut up...” He growled. You can never be alone...I’m the reason you’re even here!
“I told you to SHUT UP!” He roared, standing and walking out of the room. The voice in his head laughed softly. Mesanune walked down the hall till he came to his father’s room. He stepped inside silently. His father, Leon, was seated at his desk signing a large stack of papers. Mesanune just stood and looked at him. He knew that at one point in time his father could have passed as his brother. The years hadn’t been very kind to him. His hair was the color of steel and his face was very tired. He wasn’t really an old man, but the stress of being king had worn him down. He was a King to a dying country. A rabid dog of a country. The country was called Halas, and it was really a city-state. Halas was a militaristic city and war was its bread and butter. It was bosom buddies with Death. That was very hard for a kind man to accept. Leon hated war and hated fighting. He was proficient at both skills, but that didn’t mean that he liked them. His passion was his paints, and he had already said that that was what he planned to do in his retirement. He also planned to spend long hours with his wife again. Iras was his wife. She had a few screws loose, but she was kind and happy and gentle. Iras worked as an alchemist, one of the best despite her slight madness. Leon loved her and he was looking forward to their time together. They would have a lot of time together. He was a shapeshifter and she was part elf. That meant that they both passed on near immortality to their children.
He had carefully looked over all his children, keeping track of them over the years. The oldest was Mesanune, he was twenty now. Mesanune was still unmarried, which was very strange considering that the average marriage age was about fifteen. He had been in love at one point. The girl had left him to marry a different man. She had a baby very shortly after they were married, which mad Leon wonder about his son. Mesanune was in perfect physical condition. He had been in the military since he was about fourteen, and he had his body to the point of perfection. He could beat any person in almost any kind of combat. He was the perfect King for a warmongering nation. Mesanune stood silently, just watching his father. Leon finally looked up.
“Mesanune...” He said, voice sounding actually happy to see him. Mesanune smiled slightly.
“Everything ready. I had the servants get the hall all prepared for the feast tonight and the coronation tomorrow morning.” Mesanune said. Leon smiled widely and walked over to his son, hugging him tightly.
“My good son...” Leon said, kissing Mesanune’s temple gently. Mesanune hugged his father back.
“So, we’re actually going to go through with this?” Mesanune asked, sounding just a bit cautious. He realized how much it meant to his father to be able to retire, but he was terrified of actually being King. Leon chuckled softly.
“It’s too late to back out now. Son, you are the best of the children for this job. You know that they will always be there to help you, just as my brothers were for me.” Leon said. Mesanune forced a smile.
“I know...I’m just a little scared.” He said. A little? Why do you lie to him, you’re scared shitless. But that’s not saying much, considering how much of a coward you are! Mesanune’s eye twitched slightly. Leon didn’t notice it. Leon smiled at him again.
“So, what’s your first Royal Order going to be?” Leon asked. Mesanune winced internally. He had heard the capital letters in his father’s words. He forced a chuckle out.
“Probably to set up a holiday.” Mesanune said. Leon nodded, smiling a bit wider.
“There’s a good lad! That’s the way to the peoples’ hearts!” Leon said. He turned and went back to his desk, actually humming now. Mesanune bowed slightly and walked down the hall listlessly. He ended up in front of his younger sister Kitera’s door. It sounded like she had her boyfriend over, Mesanune’s best friend Lilico. They had been a couple since she was sixteen, so they had been together for about three years. He waited till it was quiet before he knocked. Someone was shuffling to the door. Kitera opened the door. She was wearing a long red silk robe. Her dark brown hair was down, just barely tangled. She smiled slightly when she saw that it was him.
“Mezzy...What’s wrong?” She asked, looking up at him. He smiled slightly. “Just pre-King jitters.” He said, sounding vaguely sarcastic. She’s been smoking pot again... His nose twitched slightly.
“If you’re going to smoke, you can have the decency to invite me in.” He said, stepping inside. Kitera blushed slightly and closed the door behind him.
“I forgot about that goddamn nose...” She said, laughing nervously. He saw Lilico lounged out under her covers. He had the joint in his hand. Mesanune nodded slightly to him and sat on a chair. Kitera went over and snuggled in with Lilico. Mesanune dug around till he found her stash, then he rolled himself a fresh joint.
“So...” He said, after a few drags. Lilico looked at him. “So...” Lilico said. They all stared at one another for a few minutes.
“Leeto is growing into a fine boy...His third birthday is a week after your coronation.” Lilico said. Mesanune smiled sadly.
“And how’s Neukwien?” He asked. Lilico smiled slightly.
“She’s good...They have another baby on the way.” Lilico said. Mesanune forced another smile. She never loved you. That’s why there’s another baby. You son’s going to be a forgotten piece of s**t that won’t amount to anything...just like you. His eye twitched slightly again. Lilico and Kitera were too wrapped up in themselves to notice. Mesanune left and closed the door tight behind him. He walked down the hall to his own bedroom. It was painted black with red trimmings. The bed was a feather mattress on the floor with only a thin green blanket on the top. Neukwien had made the blanket for him when they were first dating. The room had very little in it. A few knives, several swords, and a single large chest. He walked over to the bed and sat down, pulling a bottle off the floor from beside him. Booze just made the voice go away for a little while, but that was fine. Everything was fine and dandy.
“Fine and ******** dandy...” He whispered, taking a long pull from the bottle. He was crying and it wasn’t just because the liquor he was drinking was like fire. It only took a couple of pulls to knock him out. He dreamed about the girl that had left him.

-2-
Mesanune was rolled out of bed an hour before he had to be ready for the coronation. It would take at least two hours to get ready. He took off at a run, first to bath and get his hair cut, then to get dressed. It took him under a half hour to get ready. The ceremony was going on. He didn’t have to be out until it was time for his father to step down and give the crown to him. In thirty minutes exactly. Mesanune stood up straight and waited for the signal for him to enter. The voice was still asleep, which meant that he might actually have a good day. The signal came and he walked slowly into the room. Hundreds of pairs of eyes turned to him. He walked leisurely up the aisle to where his father stood. He was holding the crown, a large silver thing inlaid with garnets. Mesanune bowed low, as was custom. Then his father did the same, this time holding out the crown. Mesanune took it with his hands slightly shaking. His father stood, smiling at his oldest. Mesanune set the crown on his own head, then turned to the crowd. They broke out into cheering. Mesanune had to smile at that. He scanned the crowd, then froze. Neukwein, Leeto, and Rei stood off to one side, along with Rei’s guards.
~ ~ ~ ~
The party was in full swing and he still hadn’t gone over to say hello. He was sitting up on the throne, just watching everyone. He lay his head back and closed his eyes. How could she be here? Simple...She just wanted to rub in your face how happy she is. “Shut up...” He groaned, turning his head to one side. He felt someone tug on his sleeve. He looked down and saw Leeto staring up at him. He had his father’s blue green eyes and sandy hair like his mother. The little boy smiled up at Mesanune. Mesanune unwillingly gave him a real smile.
“Hey Leeto...” Mesanune said, picking up the boy gently. He felt him tense for just a second then he relaxed back into the older man. Mesanune smiled down at him and started running his finger’s through Leeto’s hair. Leeto smiled and almost stared purring. He’s a shape-shifter like you. That’ll be hard to explain when he hits puberty... Mesanune almost laughed.
“So...Leeto...What’s your favorite thing to do?” Mesanune asked. Leeto had to think for several minutes.
“I like horses...” He said, his voice musical to Mesanune. Mesanune smiled.
“I like horses too...” He said, just lightly kissing the boy’s forehead. Leeto tensed a bit at that, but relaxed when Mesanune went back to running his finger’s through his hair.
“One of the horses in my stable just had a baby...Would you like that for your birthday?” Mesanune asked. Leeto lit up.
“Really?! A horse? For me? Really?!” He explained, excited and standing up. It felt like he was standing on boards since Mesanune had clenched up his leg muscles.
“Really...A horse just for you.” Mesanune said, smiling again. Leeto actually hugged him, which was enough to make Mesanune almost cry. While he was hugging the boy he watched Neukwien watching them. She actually had the decency to look sad. When he was seventeen and she was fifteen he had gotten her pregnant. He had been all geared up to marry her, he had even built a nursery. She had told him that her parents were marrying her off to someone else, and she had no say. He knew that it was a load of crap. Her parents would never force her into a marriage, and they knew that she loved him. Or so he had thought. She had married the other guy and passed off Leeto as the other man’s son. And now she was really having his kid. He hugged the little boy tightly then held him back slightly.
“So how long are you and your mommy here?” He asked. Leeto thought about it for a second.
“Momma said that we would stay till the end of the week. Daddy has to go back on business.” THAT WHORE! She’s telling your son that he’s someone else’s! Mesanune’s eye twitched again and Leeto tilted his head slightly.
“What’s wrong with your eye?” He asked. Mesanune forced a smile.
“Nothing, just a bit of dust.” Mesanune said. Leeto hopped down and ran over to the other kids to play. Mesanune looked at Neukwien again, furious now. She seemed to flinch slightly. He stood up and slipped through the crowd like a snake. He was next to her in a matter of seconds.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He hissed, gripping her arm tightly. Neukwien gasped slightly and he steered her off to one side.
“What do you mean?” She gasped.
“Don’t play dumb. What the hell is this s**t? Leeto’s calling Rei daddy. What the ********?!” He whispered. Neukwien smiled slightly.
“Well, he can’t really call you daddy...You didn’t raise him.” She said. Mesanune’s hand tightened.
“I wanted to be the one to ******** raise him, but someone decided to go with that goddamn rich boy instead of a heathen!” He snarled. Neukwien forced a laugh out.
“You still think that? I had to marry him.” She said.
“Bullshit! Bullshit! Your parents would have let you marry me!” He snarled again, his nails growing slightly and biting into her skin. She gasped softly, going slightly pale.
“I think you should leave me alone.” She whispered, her eyes going darker. He growled softly and shoved her away, storming back up to the throne. Her husband walked over.
“What was that about?” He asked. She had a hand on her arm, looking casual about it.
“Nothing Rei...” She said. Rei smiled slightly and kissed her gently.
“Take it easy...I don’t want anything happening to you.” He said, running his hand along her stomach. Neukwien smiled at him, her eyes going soft again. Mesanune watched them, his heart aching and breaking. She never loved you... His eyes filled with tears.
“I told you to shut up...” He whispered. He heard the voice chuckling softly, but it was leaving. For now. He turned his head and watched his son play with the other children of the royal families. Kitera and Lilico were off together, dancing even though the music wasn’t going yet. He remembered when he was like that with Neukwien. The tears started to fall and he just put his head in his hands. It wouldn’t do for the people to see their King crying.

About two years I think. I'll finish writing htis year then do the final touches during college. I apreciate your liking of the story and characters. They've been brewing for about...5 years?

Your thoughts please.