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Book Excerpts From Chapter 1: "There's No Place Like Home"


Dear Sari,
I was raised a Christian, but I have major issues with some of the beliefs and would much rather follow another religion. My parents are saying that I have no choice, and I am only looking into another religion to be difficult. How can I persuade them to let me become another religion, which has similar, but not identical beliefs?


Sari Says:
Part of religion is about carrying on the heritage of your family and passing on the religion to future generations. Of course, your parents want you to hold true to their beliefs because Christianity probably makes great sense to them, and they want to pass on to you all the good things that the religion has brought into their lives. If you are sure you want to be part of a different religion, then someday you can go along with your individual beliefs. However, I don't think now is the time for you to switch religions.

Your parents may think that you are just being difficult because you are going through your teen years, a time when so many people rebel against their parents' wishes and values. Consider your parents' feelings. They want what's best for you, and they think that Christianity will help your life. While you are still living under their roof, you should give them the joy of accepting and participating in their religion. Then later, when you are living on your own, maybe in college, you can pick up your own exploration of other religions, and if you choose a different religion, then you are making an adult decision without involving your parents.



Dear Sari,
I am an 18-year-old guy, and since I was 16, I have been sure that I am gay. I have been waiting to tell my parents, but now I think I might be ready. How do I tell my parents that I am gay?


Sari Says:
First, think about hor you think your family will deal with the news. You should be prepared for some reaction. Try to assess generally how they would feel about this, based on their beliefs and how they treat you. Next, choose the best time and place to tell them. Never just blurt out the news in the middle of some other conversation (or fight!). Pick some time when you know you will have at least an hour of quiet family time to talk. Before you tell them, tell your parents how much you love them and that you might be surprising them with what you are about to tell them, but you do not want to upset them, only to tell them more about who you are. Then tell them.

Be prepared for some response, ranging from: "We thought so" to "Are you joking?" to anger. Some parents take time accepting that their child is gay, so you may need to bring it up again in a few days to see how they are coping. If the conversation goes very badly, find someone whom you both trust, such as a family friend or clergyperson who can help you talk to your parents again. Try to have that support system in place before you even approach your parents, just so you have people on your side whom you can always call. Remember about 10% of the population is gay, so you are not alone.



Dear Sari,
I am 17 and I want to start having sex with my boyfriend of year. I want to tell my parents that I am ready to have sex. I know that I am making the right choice about starting to have sex, but I do not know quite how to tell them.


Sari Says:
It's great that you want to talk to your parents about sex. That sort of openness fosters trust, and gives them a hance to help you out if you need assistance getting to a gynecologist for your first exam, or if you need money for birth control, or if you want to ask them anything about sex. Here are some things that might make "the talk" easier:

- Think about what you want to say in advance. You do not need a written script or anything, but you know think about what you want to tell them. Do you want to tell them that you are sure you want to have sex, or is it more important that you are thinking of having sex? Are you asking for their opinion, or are you telling them you've made up your mind no matter what they say? Do you want their help in getting you to a doctor or obtaining birth control? Or are you just telling them about your personal life so you do not have to lie to them? Try to figure out what you need to tell them, what you want to ask them, and your purpose in talking to them.

- Be prepared for a reaction. Your parents may be thrilled you are talking with them about this -- or they might be quite angry. They may say that they do not want you having sex (ever!) -- or they may say that they will help you make decisions and get birth control. Or, they could have an in-between reaction, expressing some of their concerns.

Have a good idea of how you want to react to each type of response they might give you. For example, if they start freaking out and saying that they forbid you to have sex, you need to keep your cool and say something like, "I was hoping that we could talk calmly about this. I see this has upset you, so let's talk again in a couple of days." Perhaps next time they will be more open to hearing your point of view. However, if your parents have good reasons why they think you shouldn't have sex at this point in your life, you should listen to them and give serious consideration to what they say -- after all, they have more life experience and they probably know you quite well.

- Find a good time and place. If possible, pick a time when your parents are not stressed. Perhaps a weekend is better than during the work week. Wait until you can be alone with your parents in a quiet place where you are all comfortable and have time to talk. Do not start the talk while the TV is on, or too late at night, or in the car, or just before everyone is leaving the house in the morning. Maybe you could sit down with them to talk after dinner. If you are all watching TV, you could say that after the show's over, you'd like to turn off the TV and talk for awhile.

- Start with the positive. Before you lay some heavy news on someone, it always helps to soften the blow a bit by saying some positive (almost corny) stuff. For example, rather than just announcing, "Mom, Dad - I am thinking about having sex," try something like: "Mom and Dad, you are such great parents and cool people, and I always feel like I can talk with you about everything. As you know, I'm really growing up, and now that I am in a serious relationship, we have been thinking about becoming sexual. I wanted to talk with you first, becuase you are such terrific parents and I'd like to hear your advice." Compliments may get you far, so give them a few before you get to the heart of the matter.

- Do not tell too much. Your parents do not need to hear the details of how far you have gone sexually or what exactly you plan to do - that's too much information. Also, they do not need to know the exact day and time you will be doing it. All they need to know is that you are thinking about having sex, and that you want their help so you are protected if and when you have sex.

- Ask them about their values. Most parents have some values about sex, such as they think teens should wait until they are married, or they think that having sex when you are single is ok as long as you are in love. If you're not completely sure what your parents' values are, then you should ask them. You are not obligated to have the exact same values as your parents, but knowing that they are may help you make some decisions about sex for yourself.

- Tell them how much you appreciate their help and support, and tell them you love them. Your parents need to hear that you till love them, and that you are glad that they are there for you. They may always see you as their little girl, so even while you are asking for their support with an adult issue, you can still let them know that in your heart you are their girl and you are grateful for that.



Dear Sari,
Every day my parents grill me about if I've done my homework, or what happened in school, orif i got any grades back yet. Why won't they back off? It just puts pressure on me! How can I get my parents to stop being so obsessed with my grades.


Sari Says:
Your parents care that you do well in school. They probably have high hopes for your future. They may already be thinking about where you could go to college. But the fact is that if you are doing well in school, you do not need them bothering you every second. Pressure does not help someone succeed. What helps more is gentle support. Talk with your parents about finding a new way that you can tell them about school, without feeling like they are on top of you about it. Maybe you can tell them each Friday about all the grades you got back during the whole week. Most importantly, tell them that if you are having trouble in school, you will let them know right away. Explain that you just want to have a little less pressure so you can keep doing well.



Dear Sari,
I am 14 and my uncle lives with my family. Every night, he comes into the room that me and my little sister share and starts touching us in all our private parts. My parents never believe anything my sister and I tell them, and they favor my uncle. What can I do? I tell him to stop coming into our room and stop touching us, but he denies it. What can I do? I need help.


Sari Says:
It makes me so sorry to hear you are going through something so scary. Your uncle is sexually abusing you. He is doing somehing horrible and very wrong. It is not your fault, and he has to be stopped. But when someone is a victim of sexual abuse, like you are, it is very difficult to stop him yourself. Since your parents are not helping, you need to ask someone else to help you. You should immediately talk to an adult you trust. Do you have a teacher or counsellor at school who you like? Please tell that person what you told me. Also, right now, call one of the sexual abuse hotlines listed in the appendix in the back of this book. I know you can do this, if you ask for help!

Book Excerpts From Chapter 3: "Friends Forever"


Dear Sari,
My mom once told me that if a friend of mine is ever drunk and is going to drive, I should call her so she can pick me up instead. I have had to deal with that before, but the thing is, I can never call my mom to get a ride. If I did not go with my friends, they would think I was a freak! I know it is dangerous to let them drive drunk, but the peer pressure is too much. It is like we are all laughing and then we just get into the car. I could not put a buzz kill on it by being like, "Duh I have to call my mom." But I know drunk driving is wrong.


Sari Says:
Drunk driving is not just wrong - it is deadly! Thousands of teens die each year because they were too embarrassed to say "no" to getting in a car with a drunk driver. You must start asking your mom to pick you up. It does not matter what the other kids say. If you need to make up an excuse, then think of something - think of anything - just so you do not get in the car with them. You could say that your mom has to get you because you are going to stop off somewhere on the way home. Or better yet, you could be really strong, and talk to your friends about their drunk driving. Do you realize that by not stopping your friends from getting behind the wheel drunk, you are allowing them to potentially kill themselves and others? You seriously need to intervene here, if you care about your friends at all.



Dear Sari,
There is this group of really great people I know, and I want to become the kind of friend who they call on the weekend and ask if I want to do anything. They are all skaters and I'm into skateboarding too, but I worry that if I tried to hang out with them more, they might think I'm a poser or something. How do I become good friends with them?


Sari Says:
It's tough to become part of a clique, because everyone is already so close that you have to catch up to the level of friendship they'd already established. You can try a couple of things. First, tell one of them that you like to skateboard and you would love to hang out with him/her sometime because you haven't found a good place to skate. That way, you aren't just saying that you want to hang out with them because they're cool; you'd be approaching one of them on an individual basis and showing them you have something in common, and you want to do that activity with them. (It's also less intimidating approaching one than ten!) Next, when you hang around them, don't be too clingy. You want to get them to like you gradually. They'll need to adjust to having someone new in their group, so it might take time. Finally, understand that you cannot always control who your friends become. If they do not accept you for whatever reason, just realize that it was not meant to be. Don't take it personally; just try to find another group. If they're that exclusive, maybe you didn't really want to hang out with people like that anyway.



Dear Sari,
I never quite feel like I fit in at school. I would like to make lots of friends and be popular now that I'm in high school. Do you have any advice?


Sari Says:
The key is being yourself and getting involved with the things that you like. For example, if you love acting, join your school drama club. If you love art, work on photos for the yearbook. Or join a sport, or any type of club. Then once you get involved, be nice to all the other people in that group, and they will probably like you, since you will have things in common. You can become popular in that group, and that is a start. I also think that a key to being popular in school is not dissing other school, or other cliques. The most popular people are the ones who are well liked all around. The people who "hate jocks" or "hate brains" or whatever are less popular, because they close themselves off to a whole bunch of people. Similarly, the ones who dress to conform to one clique shut out of the possibility of fitting in elsewhere. Bottom line: get involved, be yourself, be nice.



Dear Sari,
My friend told me last night that I have changed too much these last couple of months, and that she doesn't think she wants to be friends anymore. I told her that she couldn't just bail like that, but she said "Oh well." What can I do?


Sari Says:
I'm sorry to say this, but there is not much you can do. Friends sometimes just grow apart. If your friend needs to move on for whatever reason, then she must. All you can do is tell her that you hope in the future you two can be friends again. Then move on, yourself! Go out there and make new, better friends who you can trust to stick by you. If after a month or two you want to see if your ex-friend who like to try again, ask her to go to the mall, or a movie, or whatever you would like to do together. She may say yes and be into it, and everything will be fine again. Pn the other hand, sometimes friendships really break up for good. If this is what's happening, then unfortunately you'll have to let her go.



Dear Sari,
My best friend in the whole world cheats on all her boyfriends and tells me. Now, she's dating and cheating on a guy I am friends with. I don't want him to get hurt, but I know she would want me to shut up.


Sari Says:
Your friend is wrong to put you in the middle of a tough situation. Do you stay loyal to your best friend no matter what, or do you give her present beau a ticket out of chumpland? Since she's your best friend in the whole world, you should not betray her trust. Instead, talk openly with her. Tell her that you don't approve of her two-timing.

Also, tell her that she should not mention it to you when she cheats. Yes, friends should be able to tell each other their deepest, darkest, secrets, but this kind of secret is way too uncomfortable since you are friendly with this guy. If she cares about you, she'll stop telling you the gory details. If she cares about her boyfriend, she'll stop cheating altogether. If some time goes by and she does not stop cheating, and keeps telling you, then give her al ultimatum: for example, in five days, you are going to tell him that she cheats on him, unless she stops cheating, or tells him first herself.

Book Excerpts From Chapter 5: "You're No Body Till You Love Your Body "


Dear Sari,
Everybody always tells me that I'm so skinny, and it's really hurting me. Do you know how I could gain weight, or is there anything I could say to people?

Sari Says:
Being skinny can be tough, but we don't hear as much about it because more girls worry that they're overweight. Girls who are skinny either hear "I wish I were thin like you!" constantly, or they are hassled about being so thin and have to defend what is natural for them.

No matter what you weigh, you should love your body! If your body is just naturally thin, try not to be upset by it or what people say. Instead, try to think about all of the positive things about your body, like the fact that you can fit into a lot of great "skinny clothes."

If you want to gain weight, you should talk to your school nurse or doctor about an eating and exercise plan that will help you put on some weight. Keep in mind that gaining weight is not always possible; at that moment in your life, your body might just want to stay at the weight it's at now. If people bother you about it, you can nicely say, "This is just the way I am. Please don't hassle me about it." You can tell them that you are not anorexic and that you are very healthy, just thin. By the way, your body may change as you get older. After puberty, many girls gain some weight; during their twenties, women tend to gain weight again. So enjoy being thin now; your body may change on its own, later.




Dear Sari,
I'm a 16 year old girl who is chubby. I weigh in at 170 pounds and I'm 5'2". People don't really tease me much anymore because they say I am so likable to be around, which is a good thing, I suppose. But I still want to lose weight - not for other people, but for myself! I want to look in the mirror and just smile. Well, everyone says I am pretty, but that's really not enough for me. Do you have any diet and exercise tips? I'd really appreciate it.

Sari Says:
I love that you wrote that you are so likable that people don't bug you about your weight - that is a great attitude. You know that what matters most is inside! But in terms of weight loss advice, I suggest that you talk to your doctor or a school nurse. A medical specialist is the best person to put you on a diet and exercise program. Also, talk to your parents because they should know what you want to do. most girls and women struggle with food and weight issues for their whole lives. I advise anyone under 18 not to diet on her own. (Sometimes when girls make up their own diet plans, they wind up overdoing it - like the girls who starve themselves or throw up. That can seriously damage your physical and mental health for your whole life!)

You can eat healthier by eating more fresh vegetables and less junk food, such as candybars, French fries, chips, and doughnuts. Beyond that, have a doctor, nurse, or at least a parent supervise you.

In terms of exercise, any physical activity is great. You could join a team sport, or club, to have the chance to get fit while having fun. Otherwise, ride a bike, or go for long walks, or swim, or whatever you like. The most important thing is that you feel good about yourself, no matter what you weigh. You should be able to look in the mirror and smile every day!




Dear Sari,
I'm 15 years old and I wear a size 10. I have a little bit of fat on my stomach, but not enough to hang out at all. I was just wondering if I am overweight.

Sari Says:
Size 10 is perfectly great. Women can be beautiful whether they're a size 4, 10, or 16. All that really matters is that you feel good about yourself. So stand up straight. Be proud that you look great - no matter what size or shape you are. By the way, even at age 15, your body will probably change a zillion times before you are a fully grown woman. So don't stress out about it. We all have to accept the joys and challenges of our bodies.




Dear Sari,
Does it matter to girls if a boy is a lot taller than the girl is?

Sari Says:
It does not matter to most girls if a guy is a lot taller. In other words, some girls will be attracted to you, and some will not - but this goes for any guy, whether he's tall or short. Just because you're tall doesn't mean that your experiences with girls will be different than any other guy's... as long as you feel confident and proud of your body and height.




Dear Sari,
I want to try the drug Ecstacty. Don't try to talk me out of it, because I know what I am doing. Well, once you answer this that is: What effect does Ecstasy have on the brain?

Sari Says:
I would rather talk you out of it, and here's why: The effect that Ecstasy has on the brain and body can be serious and life threatening. (Drugs like this are illegal for good reasons!)

First, let me explain the general effect it would have on you. Ecstasy affects the level of a brain chemical called serotonin, so that you feel happy and high for about 4 hours when you are on the drug. But Ecstsasy uses up serotonin, and it takes time for the levels to get back to normal, so for a day or two after you'd feel tired, depressed, irritable, or moody. Also, while on the drug, Ecstasy causes elevated blood pressure, and it causes your body temperature to rise. Some of the tragic accidents that people have had while on the drug were caused because they were dancing so vigorously while on Ecstasy and drinking alcohol, they became overheated, dehydrated, overheated[. They then] passed out and injured themselves, or they actually put themselves in a coma. While it is not known if Ecstasy is physically addictive, tolerance builds up to the positive effects of the drug, while negative effects increase with increased use, so the more people use it, the more they need, and the more dangerous it becomes. Long-term effects of the drug may include constant paranoia, liver damage, and heart attacks, and it has produced brain damage in scientific research on rats and monkeys.

If you are sure that you are going to take this risk, then no one can stop you, but whatever you do, be careful. If you insist on trying any drug, you must be in a safe environment with people you know well and trust, including some people who are stone-cold sober. Also, you must fully acknowledge beforehand the serious risks, and the illegality.

Book Excerpts From Chapter 7: "The Dating Game"


Dear Sari,
My mother just told me that she thinks I am old enough to date. I have been waiting for this for almost all my life, but now I am nervous. Could you please give me advice on how to make a first date work out?

Sari Says:
Congrats on being allowed to date! However, keep in mind that just because you have permission doesn't mean you have to date anyone yet. All this means is that if someone asks you out, you now have the option of saying "yes," or if you like someone, you can ask him out. So don't put too much pressure on yourself to start dating. Just let it happen.

As far as making your first date work, it's mostly about being yourself and relaxing. All you should try to do on a date is have fun. If you get really stressed out because it's a d-a-t-e, your nervousness will show and could make things awkward. If you get nervous, tell yourself, "I'm jusing hanging out with someone, that's all. No big deal." Repeat that in your head until you mellow out.

Also, to help the date go smoothly, plan what you want to do ahead of time. Before you go out, talk with your date about what you'd like to do together. That way you won't spend the whole date saying, "What do you want to do?" "I don't care... what do you want to do?"




Dear Sari,
I know this girl and I asked her out. She said she does not want to go out with me now. Should I ask her again, or would I seem desperate?

Sari Says:
Well, that depends. Does she have a boyfriend? She may have said no because at that time she was seeing someone. Is she allowed to date? Maybe she said no because she's not allowed to go out alone with guys yet. Before asking her again, you might want to see if you can sleuth around and find out the answers to these questions. Also, if you just asked her recently (within the last month, let's say), you might want to wait a bit. You could seem like you're coming on too strong if you are relentless. But it is flattering when a guy tries to get the girl he wants. If you ask her a second time, you will just seem really into her, not desperate. So ask her again. If she says "no" again, then get over her. Twice is ok; even if she doesn't think you're desperate, three times will make you feel like you are.




Dear Sari,
I recently met this girl, and we flirted and we found out that we have things in common. I know that she's interested in me and I am definitely interested in her, but I am afraid to ask her out. I'm always interested in long-term relationships, and I worry that if she's not, then I will get hurt. How can I keep her as a steady girlfriend?

Sari Says:
There's no magic potion to guarantee your future with this girl. You have to work with what you know: She likes you and she is giving you all the signals that she wants you to go out with her. So, ask her out. Do not worry about what will happen if you get into a relationship. Just decide what you want to do on your first date with her. Take this one step at a time. Any time your mind jumps ahead, pull yourself back to today and to reality. The only way to make a relationship last is to allow it to grow gradually. Just be decent, kind, and above all, your wonderful self. If it doesn't work out, she wasn't the girl for you.




Dear Sari,
I'm totally in love with this guy. He's sweet, cute, and we're friends. I really want to ask him to my semiformal, but I'm afraid he'll say no. He's the kind of guy who flirts with a lot of girls and has a lot of girls liking him. As far as I know, he doesn't like any of them. He flirts with me, but I'm still afraid he'll say no when I ask him. What should I do?

Sari Says:
You should definitely ask him out! If you want to date him, don't sit back and watch him flirt with those other girls who like him. Instead, you need to take action and do the one thing that they aren't doing: You must ask him out! I would be that the reason he isn't dating anyone right now is beacuse all of those other girls are too afraid to ask him out. If you can muster up the bravery to ask him out, then you will stand out among all of those girls as the one who was bright enough, cool enough, and strong enough to go for it.




Dear Sari,
It seems every female I have tried to enter into a relationship with seems to diagnose me with best friend/big brother syndrome. They start off having some interest in me; we go out once or twice; things go well. Then the girl all of a sudden tells me everything about herself, all her problems. I never ask them to, but they do. It seems instantly that I become a best friend or big brother because within a few days they tell me, "You are the sweetest guy I know, it's just thintat I think of you as a good friend, and I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship", or worse, "You have become such a brother to me, I couldn't date my brother!" I am a "nice guy", so to speak. I was raised to be old-fashioned and chivalrous: opening doors, seating the lady, paying for dinner. I am also a hopeless romantic. Maybe these things have something to do with my syndrome. I don't know what to do! Do you have a cure?

Sari Says:
Don't worry, sweetie. Usually the cure for your syndrome is age. Sometimes girls in high school are looking for the daring "bad" guy. But a few years later, they're often looking for the nice guy. So in a while, you'll be getting all the girls, and the tough guys will be all alone. Yet I'm sure you would like to date now, so in the meantime, here is something you can do to help your situation. The next time a girl you like starts to tell you about personal things, to make you into a friend, tell her, "Please, tell those things to a friend, because I like you as more than just friends." It seems that now you are letting the girls talk, because you're nice. However, you do have some control over whether you play the friend role, or the boyfriend role. Tell them (interrupt if you have to!) to stop talking about those things. Let girls know you're not playing the friend role anymore.

Book Excerpts From Chapter 9: "Boyfriends and Girlfriends"


Dear Sari,
This guy and I have gone out every weekend for a month. But, at schoo, he acts like we are just buds. Are we really going out, or what?

Sari Says:
You have to ask him. Some people avoid discussing this kind of stuff because they are afraid to commit to a relationship. If that's the case, and he's been avoiding bringing it up, then when you do, you might be disappointed to find that he thought you and he were just hanging out. However, maybe he really does want a relationship, and the only reason why he did not bring it up is because he was afraid that you might not be interested in really going out with him.

Next time you are together, come right out and say, "Are we going out, or what?" Then keep asking questions until you are clear about what is going on between you two. For example, you could ask him if he is seeing other people, if he expects you not to date anyone else, or you can even ask if he thinks of the two of you as boyfriend and girlfriend. If he says that you are boyfriend and girlfriend, then tell him that he should treat you that way all the time - even at school.




Dear Sari,
Every time my boyfriend says "I love you," I can't say it back. I want to, but I am too embarrassed. Please help!

Sari Says:
Usually when someone can't say "I love you," it means that he or she needs more time in the relationship to feel comfortable enought o say it, and to be sure it is love. I don't think you should push yourself. It is ok if it takes time until you feel ready to say it. Once you feel totally ready (if you ever do), then it is the right time to say it. Otherwise, you might not completely mean it. Be patient with yourself and wait until your feelings are in order. Do not say it unless you mean it.




Dear Sari,
I feel very close to telling two different people that I love them both, and then finding out which one loves me, and wants to go steady with me. Can you be in love with two people at the same time?

Sari Says:
Sort of... What you are feeling for both people is probably not "love," but more like a crush, or "puppy love." If it is real love, it is usually so good that you wouldn't want anyone else. Before you say a word to either of these people, try to sort it out on your own. Decide for yourself who you want to be with, then let the other one down easy.




Dear Sari,
Hi, I'm 17 years old and my boyfriend is 19. We have been together for 4 years. He asked me if I would marry him. I really love him, but my parents say I'm too young to get married. What do you think I should do?

Sari Says:
People do not get married simply because they are in love and have been together for a long time. People need to have had a very good relationship for years, and (this is important) they have to want the same things out of life. Unfortunately, many teen marriages end in divorce, because the couple gets married before they really know who they are or what they want out of life. The best marriages are often the ones in which the two people are fully independent adults before they decide to get married.

Before people get married, they need to consider lots of things: how they will make money to support themselves, where they both want to live, what else they want to accomplish in their lives besides being a husband or wife, when and if they want to have children, and how they want to raise them.

Then there's the issue of wondering where there's someone or something better out there for you. Lots of couples who get married as teens have problems because they start to resent the possibility that they've missed out on a lot in life by marrying so young.

You and your boyfriend need to talk about all of these issues. Yuo should also talk to your parents, his parents, and someone outside of the situation, such as a counsellor, therapist, or someone from your church.

This is a major decision. Please take time to sort it out. Remember, you can stay boyfriend and girlfriend for as long as you want - you don't have to get married just because it seems like the next step.




Dear Sari,
I have fallen in love with my best friend, and she is the same sex as me. All I think about anymore is girls, and not guys. I don't think that is normal, so how do I deal with this lesbian problem?

Sari Says:
You are normal. Discovering that you may be a lesbian is not a "problem." It is simply a new aspect of who you are that you'll need to get used to. If you suspect your female friend is heterosexual, don't tell her that you have a crush on her - that could ruin your friendship and confuse her. Instead, talk to a counsellor about your feelings. You could ask your school counsellor or nurse or heath teacher if they know any counsellors who see teens for free about "personal identity issues" (if you don't want to say "gay, lesbian, and bisexual counselling"). Or if you don't want to ask at school, there are lots of online resources for gay, lesbian, and bisexual teens.

Book Excerpts From Chapter 11: "Let's Talk About Sex"


Dear Sari,
Is masturbation good or bad? I've heard some people say that masturbation is bad for you, and other people just make fun of it like "Have you been spanking your monkey?" or "Go jerk off!"

Sari Says:
Masturbation is the most natural and healthy way to learn about your body and your sexuality, and to feel physical pleasure. There is nothing "bad" about masturbation. Some religions (like Catholicism) believe that masturbation is wrong. Some parents teach their children that masturabtion is forbidden. Some people hang on to the myths about masturbation, such as it will make hair grow on your palms or ruin your eyesight. The truth is, masturbation will not make hair grow on your palms. It will not ruin your eyesight. It will not make you a bad person.

It is totally fine to masturbate as much as you want, as long as you do it in private, and as long as you do not do it so often that it gets in the way of the rest of your life. What I mean is, whether you masturbate once a month, once a week, or once a day - even twice or three times a day - that's fine. However, if you masturbate so much that you cannot make it to school on time or you have no interest in seeing your friends, then you are masturbating too much. It's highly doubtful that masturbation will become a problem for you, however. Most people masturbate and very few find that it interferes with their lives.

You should not feel guilty when you masturbate. Masturbation teaches you how to have an orgasm. It helps you relax. Also, it allows you to feel sexual pleasure risk-free, without any worries about pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. Plus, many people like it simply because it's fun. Masturbation is just part of being a healthy sexual person.




Dear Sari,
Does sperm die when it hits the air? I wonder because my girlfriend and I fool around, and I would like to know if I ejaculate on my hand [whether] it stays alive for long.

Sari Says:
When sperm is ejaculated directly inside a woman's v****a during intercourse, it can life inside her for up to 5 days. However, if sperm is ejaculated anywhere outside her body (like in your hand, or in your underwear, or anywhere on the outside of your or her body), it does not live that long. But it doesn't instantly die when it hits the air, either. If the conditions are warm and moist, the sperm may live for longer, sometimes even longer. So when a man ejaculates (even if it isn't inside a woman's body), both the man and woman need to be careful to avoid getting the ejaculate inside the woman's v****a. Although it's rare, it's possible that if a man ejaculated on his hand for example, then inserted his fingers inside the woman's v****a, she could have live sperm inside her. So if you are fooling around and you ejaculate anywhere (even on your hand), be very careful to keep it away from the inside of her v****a!




Dear Sari,
Everyone always says to wait to have sex until you are "ready." How on earth can I know when I am ready?

Sari Says:
If you can answer yes to all of these questions, then maybe you'll be ready:

- Are you in a truly good relationship with someone you love and trust - someone you want to lose your virginity with?
- Are you able to talk to your partner about all aspects of sex: your relationship, your feelings, pregnancy, birth control and condoms?
- Will you feel ok if this relationship ends after you've lost your virginity with this person?
- Have you learned or read about sex in order to answer questions you have about it?
- If you are a girl, have you gone to a gynecologist for your first exam? (Every girl should do this before the first time they have sex, or by age 16 (even if she's a virgin) - whichever comes first.
- Will you use birth control each and every time you have sex to prevent pregnancy?
- Will you use condoms properly each time you have sex to prevent sexually transmitted diseases?
- Do you have private time and places to have sex?
- Will it be ok if your parents find out?

Remember - you only have one first time. When you do decide to lose your virginity, you should have given it a lot of thought and had many discussions about it with your partner so you are really sure. Even if you feel ready now, why not wait 6 more months to be extra sure? You'll still want to have sex in a few months - if it's meant to be. If it's not meant to be, then you'll know that, and you will be glad that you didn't have sex. Waiting a bit longer will give you more time to make sure you are making the right choice. Throughout your life, you want to be able to look back on the time you lost your virginity without regrets! Sex is precious, and it is the most special way that two people can be close. Save it for the right time in your life and wait until you have the right person to share it with.

--

Bad Reasons to Have Sex:

- You think you need to have sex in order to get your partner to stay with you.
- You think sex will improve a bad relationship.
- All your friends are doing it.
- You want to rebel against your family.
- You think it will make you more mature or cooler.
- You are just curious.




Dear Sari,
This guy I'm going out with wants to have sex. Whenever we make out, he tries to get me to go further. I don't want to. What should I do?

Sari Says:
Tell him that you do not want to have sex with him. If he tries to convince you to have sex, or starts going too far with you physically, you must tell him "no." Tell him how far you are willing to go and set boundaries that he will not be allowed to cross. Let him know that you have made up your mind, and if he respects you, he should not try to change your mind. Then see how it goes.

You can try to avoid situations in which you have nothing to do but fool around- spend more time going to movies, dinner, or other events, rather than just hanging out. You should trust him enough - and have discussed this with him enough - that making out won't be an issue because you know that he will only go as far as you want him to go. If he doesn't stop, you must stop seeing him. If he only wants to be with you because he wants to have sex, forget him! You can find someone else who respects you more.

--

Boys Can Say No

Girls aren't the only ones who can say "no" to sex. There are tons of guys who want wait to have sex. If you're a guy who doesn't want to have sex with someone, don't let her pressure you. If you're a girl, please realize that not all guys want to do it, so don't expect it.




Dear Sari,
Can you get pregnant while you are having your period?

Sari Says:
Yes. You must assume that you can get pregnant anytime. It is possible to get pregnant during your period. A woman gets pregnant when one of her eggs is ready to be fertilized by the man's sperm. When a woman is having her period, her body is supposed to be in between the times of month when the egg is ready - that's why many people think a woman can't get pregnant during her period.

However, there is some oppurtunity for a woman to get pregnant during her period. Think of the first day of your period as Day 1 of your cycle. Most women's periods last until Day 5 or Day 7. The most likely time to get pregnant would be between Day 10 and Day 20, because that's when an egg is released insidethe woman's body, ready to get fertilized by a man's sperm.

Sperm, however, can live for up to 5 days inside a woman's body. So if a many's sperm is inside her during or at the end of her period - let's say on Day 7 - and her ovulation starts on Day 11, then it would be possible for the sperm to be alive and fertilize the egg, so the woman could get pregnant. Again, that's when ovulation is expected, but it could be early! So if you do not want to get pregnant, do not take any risks, ever. If you have sex, use birth control every time!