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 Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 7:20 pm
I sorries. sweatdrop I'll use black from now on.
Thank you! Oh, and I haven't forgotten about your's either. I've actually read the first 2 chapters. I don't have much time between work shifts, so I'm reading a bit at a time.
But I like it! Very interesting.
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Posted: Mon Jul 30, 2007 7:30 pm
GASP! Yay! heart
I'm glad you like it! It only gets better. ^^
And yay for easier reading! rofl
Sorry...suckish eyes and all...
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Posted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 4:59 pm
Eyes are bad things. Very bad.
Oh, and I like the insert. Gives a certain feel to it. Don't know what to call it.
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Posted: Sat Aug 11, 2007 2:21 pm
Thank you!
I wasn't sure how people would react to the addition. I felt the reader really needs to know more about how...dependant Gabriel is on certain ideals and thoughts.
Before anyone asks, yes, I am writing more. It's very slowly comming though. I know I need more in the beginning. I could spit out pages about what happens once they enter the Lord's kingdom and such. But...I'm forcing myself to write earlier. Set things up a bit.
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Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 8:38 am
I wrote more. Once again, early story. And, again, in bold
Hope you like it!
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Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 6:53 pm
Nice story so far.
I'm enjoying it a lot.
And, I'll have to say, you are very talented at writing.
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Posted: Thu Aug 16, 2007 6:31 pm
I'm glad you like it.
Thank you so much!
You're too kind.
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Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 5:55 pm
Okay, folks! I'm keeping well on my promises. Here is another bit of the story (new part in bold). Again, it may not seem important now, but it is. Or it will be. Maybe. I'm still working out all the details. sweatdrop
Enjoy!
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Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 4:18 pm
So I take it that Gaberiel is keeping in character with the second interpretation of the story of ganymede... -Caugh-
Anyways... some of your dialogue seemed a bit strange in it's context. Kids (how old were they?) are usually prone to the slang commonly used by their peers...
but then I supposed I can't really elaborate until you answer something for men: what was their setting, exactly?
Otherwise it was great. Your a fantastic writer.
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Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 6:36 pm
NovaKing: What I truly wanted to with my work is tell the story from Ganymede's side. By doing that, it's also the story of a boy becomming a man through a series of major events in his life. Not only has he dealt with the passing of his mother, but his brother (someone he felt close to) is also out of the picture. And that leaves his father who, in the tradition of Zues and Ganymede, gave him up fast horses. Uhm... I suppose Zues and Ganymede was only a starting point because, as I said, this was for an assigment in writing class. Then, I just fell in love with the story and I was amazed at my own writing and peoples' response to it.
I was picturing this being more of a medieval type story, though I don't really place a date like 177-whatever or 1807 or anything because I feel it places boundaries on the piece. Country-wise, I guess you can place it in England (because it's always associated with medieval things) But that would be the reasoning for the boys talking as they do. As for age, uhm...I have no idea, really. I know it's terrible but I only imagined Gabriel being young. Maybe somewhere between 14 and 16. But, again, because of restraints, I can't put an exact age. Also, mind you, people didn't live as long as they do now so it's quite possible to have an 8-year-old on the throne or things of that nature so...it's not so unheard of for Gabriel to be young. But never that young! As I said, around 14 or so.
Hope that helped.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate all y'all's* comments.
*Yes, Isianya is from the South and uses y'all as if it exists in the English language.
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Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 9:02 pm
[Continued from page 1]
"How about this one, Gabe?" Kaine said pointing to a particularly run-down pub, whose name I couldn't make out.
My voice died in my throat. I simply nodded.
He grabbed my shirt with a smile and pulled me inside. Immediately, I could feel the change in the atmosphere. My stomach lurched. Each sound echoed in my head, pounded in my ears. I began to feel weak once again We pressed on.
The man tending to the bar looked up at us as we stepped through the door. I thought for sure he would make us leave. I prayed he would yell, curse, and throw something at the two under-age boys who dared to enter such an establishment. To my surprise, he only stared. He was a tall, bulky man with black hair that covered both his face and arms. His eyes were dark, yet piercing as they followed us to a table in the corner near a window.
The place soon became a swirl of color and light, a sea of unfamiliar voices. Each clink of a glass, each joyful laugh, each chord of music reverberated through my mind. I masked my pain with happiness and curiosity. I wanted to take my mind off what was happening to me. Like Kaine had advised, I wanted to enjoy myself tonight. But there was something deep within me calling, screaming against it. I could ignore it no longer. “What are the chances of leaving now?” I said, resting my elbow on the table and my cheek against my hand. The aesthetic was flawless. It seemed I had grown bored with the tavern, while in truth, it became hard to support my head.
Kaine’s eyes grew wide with surprise. “But, Gabe, we’ve only just arrived. We haven’t been here but a few moments. We haven’t had anything to drink yet!”
We haven’t had anything to drink…yet. The words seemed to resound again and again.
I watched as he placed his arm in the air. Within moments, the waitress had come to his side. She was a beautiful woman with blonde hair that stretched down her back in a long braid tied by a green ribbon. She must have been among few, if any, women in the tavern.
"Welcome," she said. Her voice was loud, firm despite being a woman. I was glad for it. It was hard to hear even my own thoughts against the commotion inside. "What can I get you two?"
Without missing a beat, Kaine returned the smile and said, "Your strongest drink, please."
She shook her head while chuckling softly. "Coming right up," the woman turned to me. "And for you, dear? Can I get you something?"
"No, I'm fine. Thank you. Someone has to lead him home." I smirked.
"Well, then, I suppose I'll return shortly with our strongest drink."
When the waitress was out of sight, Kaine delivered a sharp kick to my leg under the table. I winced. "What?"
"Someone has to lead him home? What's that supposed to mean, Gabe? Are you suggesting I won't be able to walk?"
I didn't want to argue with my best friend. My head couldn't take the strain. I chose my next words carefully. "Have you done this before?"
"Perhaps...," he was smiling again. But was different from the smile he gave to the woman who came to our table. There was something he held from me.
"You have! How many times?" I was intrigued by his courage. I rested my elbows on the table and leaned forward. "When was your first time?"
He stared at me for a moment before answering, studying me, wondering what to say. "Only last week," he said calmly. "I...needed an escape."
"An escape from what?"
He sighed deeply. "I was afraid you'd ask that. You see, I wasn't entirely honest about my mother. Around last Sunday, her illness had grown worse. The doctors told us to 'prepare for the worst.' I couldn't do it, Gabe. I didn't want to say goodbye to my mother. You know better than anyone how that feels."
My heart sank. The words spilled forth from his mouth with such conviction, such passion, I never heard from him before. He was right. I had been born without ever knowing my mother. I suppose it was better this way. Had a gotten the chance to know her more, the pain would have been unbearable. I never knew my mother and so I never had a chace to miss her. But Kaine, he was different. He adored his mother.
"I spent hours by my mother's bedside," he continued. "She seemed to be wasting away before my eyes. Everyday, she grew paler, weaker. The illness was taking its toll on her. My father grew anxious. He couldn't bare to see her in this condition. There were nights my father returned just before the sun rose. His clothes reaked of the village. At the time, I couldn't place the smell...but it was alcohol. Strong alcohol."
As promised, the woman returned with Kaine's drink in her hand. She set the glass on the table in front of him and winked. "Our strongest drink, just for you. Forgive me for taking so long. This place is so crowded tonight. Apparently, there's some sort of royalty in town. Everyone's gossiping about it."
"Oh, uh, thank you very much." He reached into his pocket, pulled out a single gold coin and handed it to her.
"If you two need anything, just call."
"Thank you," I said once again. She disappeared into the crowds. "Are you telling me your father began drinking because of your mother's condition?"
He nodded. "It calmed him. I suppose it helped him deal with the pain. I...I didn't know where to turn."
"So you began to drink as well? That makes no sense, Kaine. You know better than that. I--,"
"Please," he said taking his drink in his hand, "Please don't lecture me on this one, Gabe."
I watched as he drained a large amount in one drink. There were no words for him at this moment. What could I tell him?
"Well, I grew desperate after about two days," he said still holding the glass in his hand. "I wanted so much to understand my father, to find a cure for my mother. My life seemed to be crumbling before me. So, I took a chance. I used the leaves from Miss Thatcher's garden in my mother's tea. I don't know what I was expecting. But I remembered your words and I had to try it. There was nothing to lose right? I just...couldn't...,"
"Give up. You couldn't say goodbye to your mother without knowing you tried. Even if you failed, at least you tried." I thought about these words after I had said them. I began to wonder if I would have done the same thing for my mother. If I only had the chance... Would I really risk her life in order to save it?
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Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 9:06 pm
Ahh! Sporadic writer-much.
But here's a little more of the story.
I decided to post on this page because the first was getting a little long.
It's all in bold because it's all new! mrgreen
Hope you like it!
heart
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Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 4:23 am
Happy Birthday to me...
Happy Birthday to me...
Happy Birthday to me-e...
[Random person]: Now finish your story!
[Me:] xd
Yayz! I'm FINALLY 17! Hello R-rated movies.
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 11:24 pm
hullo there.
1st comment in a while, huh?
ok, the first thing i wanna say is...at first, I thought that Gabe was a girl. XD The way he described Cornelius....the way he adored nature.....
well, i guess he's just a sensitive guy.
anyway, this story has good potential. I'm very curious to find out what Lord Cornelius's journey is all about.
A few things I noticed:
I think it could use with a little less dialouge. i know it's your strength, but to become better, you gotta take some risks.
In my opinion, this Daine guy talks pretty sophisticated for a guy who is a "bad influence", lol.
I'm wondering what status Gabe's family is. If this story is set in a realistic fantasy world, a Lord, or Earl, maybe? So far it doesn't seem to be a secret in the plot, so I don't see why you didn't mention this.
Is this the end of the chapter? There's no climax. confused Usually, there should be some tension between chapters to make the readers read on.
This could be just me, I dunno.
That's about it. I don't see any grammar mistakes, except for when Daine says "have fun because you want". I think adding the word "to" would make a little more sense.
continue this story! It's transfixing.
I, too started a story from an assignment. Soon it burst into three other story ideas, each one connected to each-other in some way. It was one of the first I'd written that was realistic fiction (I usually write fantasy or modern sci-fi), and I really enjoyed it. (so did my teacher! I got 100% XD) We had to write a short story on the theme of injusctice...now it might become part of my chronicles. Never give up on your stories. Each one has great potential. You never know what it might blossom into. ^.^
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Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 10:55 am
I know what you're all thinking: What the hell?!? Right? I know. This story is.. ancient. But it's always been a favorite of mine. It was so hard for me to abandon it. However, I was afraid to write for a while. (Shocking, I know) I wrote small things here and there but never on the grand scale such as this. Well, I've done some soul-searching and I'm back with a vengeance. More determined than ever to finish this piece. So.. hold on, because the ride may be a little bumpy.
____________________________
I didn’t have much time to think about the matter before another sharp kick was delivered to my shin. I did my best to bite down on my lower lip to avoid screaming, but I could still feel the throbbing pain radiating through my leg. “What was that for?”
Kaine had the oddest smile in his face. His were glazed over as he stared in my direction. In fact, it looked as though he had a hard time focusing on my face. He shrugged. “I don’t know,” he chuckled. “Seems like you were going into deep thought about something. I thought we were supposed to be enjoying this night, Gabe.”
I couldn’t help but to smirk. “But of course. How could I forget?” I looked over at the shining glass, wondering if my best friend had found his solution in the bottom of it. “You know, you really should be home with your mother.”
He sighed. “I know.”
“Even though you said she’s gotten better, you should at least be by her side. You could comfort her, let her know--,”
“I know.”
“I’m sure when she looks back on these moments, she’ll remember that you were there and--,”
“He hit me.”
It felt as though someone had taken all the air from the room. Like I had suffered a great blow to my stomach. My heart wrenched. “I…don’t understand. What are you saying?”
He sighed, staring at the glass again, gently stroking the handle with his thumb. “My father. He hit me. Right here.” He pulled back his hair and revealed a dark bruise just beneath his right ear on his neck. I could clearly see where his father’s four fingers had met the skin. This was no accident.
“My God! Kaine, I’m so sorry. How did--,”
“It happened a few nights ago. I heard my father come in from another one of his nights out. He smelled as though he had bathed in ale. I was so angry with him! How could he do this to my mother? I started to yell at him, telling him what a bad father and husband he was. I told him he was not a man but a coward… And he hit me.”
I didn’t know what to say. I remained silent, completely enveloped in his story.
“It would have been worse, I imagine. But, as I said, he had been drinking that night so I tried to dodge the blow. He was aiming for my face… He wanted to kill me. I could see it in his eyes.”
I sat there for a moment, absorbing what I had just heard. I had always been able to protect Kaine from the outside world. I was his friend when no one else would be. I had given him hope when all seemed lost. I stood beside him when he thought he stood alone. And now, at his greatest need, I realized there was nothing I could do. How could I not see this coming? I had failed him as a friend. “You can’t go back there.”
“What?”
“It’s not safe. What if your father--,”
“Gabriel…”
I knew something was wrong. Kaine never called me Gabriel unless something was terribly, terribly wrong.
“How can you go back there?”
“How can I not? My mother is better, but she is still weak from being in bed for such a long time. I can’t leave her there with him. I can take my father’s abuse. I can fight back. I can run. But she… What if he—No. I won’t do it. I love my mother. I won’t leave her.”
For the first time in years, I saw the true character of my best friend. He wasn’t some piece of riff-raff who had no regards for rules and laws as my father had always painted him. He was just a boy who would do anything for his mother. How could I fault him for that?
“Besides,” he said. “I’ll always have you, right?”
My heart sank. How could I tell him what had just transpired at my home? How could I tell him at a time like this in his life that I, his best friend and closest ally, would be leaving him when morning came? It would break his heart, destroy his hope. What if he began drinking more like his father? Then his mother, his poor mother would be all alone. I couldn’t suffer my best friend that. A young boy without his mother is a cross only I wished to bear.
“Yes, you’ll always have me. No matter the distance, I’ll always be near you. All you have to do is call, and I’ll come running. You know that, right?”
He laughed. “You speak as though you’re going to war, Gabe. What’s going on?”
“I… have to tell you something…”
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