Welcome to Gaia! ::

You're you. Everything else--what you are sexually, or what people think of you--all those things fall second to the truth that you are you. Don't think things too hard--it sounds like you need to chill out. To relax. And start getting people around you who love you for you, no matter what. And you'll figure yourself out when the time comes, and learn that sometimes, no amount of thinking things through will help you figurethings out. Sometimes, truth needs time to show itself.

That said, you very well might be transsexual. Or bisexual. Or both. But it sounds to me--since you haven't mentioned liking a guy, beyond just that--that you might develop into being a butch lesbian. Just try to be yourself. Everything else falls by the sidelines.

Love and Vale,
-LD

Sure, I'm glad to help. Truth be told, I think too much sometimes, too. For example, back in December, I told a friend of mine that it might not be a good idea to get close to me, because I didn't want to lose control around him--I respect him too much for that. He told me, quite clearly, that if I ever lost control, he would be more than able to stop me, which is entirely true. And he said that we were too close to stop being friends because I couldn't just shut up and let things be.

And now? He's spending the night tonight, completely unafraid of me. I'm not sure if that's necessarily a good thing, but I'm willing for the moment at least, to let things just be the way they are, or will be--que sora sora, as they say.

I think we could all use a bit of that free spirit sometimes. Because, as my friend has taught me, thinking is good until it starts to drive your mind in maddening circles. So my advice is to just let loose for a while, just live for everyday, until you can take on tomorrow's problems, and never forget to take the simple pleasures of life, because nothing eases self-doubt like smiling and laughing with friends. "Just be yourself--that's all you really need to know."*

When you come to a realization within yourself--like I did when I figured out that I was indeed gay--it will feel right. Don't pull that dawning towards you, or push it away--its kind of like a cat, really. It will come to you in its own time--probably when its hungry--and until then, any coaxing might scare it off longer than necessary.

Love and Vale,
-LD

*Quoted from Fruits Basket. I couldn't resist! xd

EDIT: On the subject of your mom, don't worry about her. Don't bother trying to conform to her standards--you'll both be miserable. She might not like it, but she'll come around in her own time, after all, she is your mother. Your first priority in this must be yourself. Selflessness is good until it becomes self-destructive. Don't cross that line.

Lose control.... Is just what it sounds like. I usually keep myself on a pretty tight leash around people I have feelings for, especially if they're straight guys--which he is. Not to say I'm not affectionate, because I am. All of my friends, huggy or not, hug me. I make it pretty clear that I can't be friends with people who don't know how to accept a good-natured hug. Even my guy friends know that--and they also know that, with the exception of Robert, I have no feelings for any of them, outside friendship.

Robert knows that I adore him, and I know that I can never have him. He has all the qualities I wish I had in myself--kindness, warmth, strength, free-spiritedness, (and an amazing body). So I stay around him, partially because I hope those qualities will rub off on me, and partially because there are things I can protect him from, that he can't. First I was friends with him, then I lusted after him, then I admired him--and now, I can honestly say that I love him, as I say, "The kind of love that deserves a capital "L". And he knows all that, and is okay with that. And it makes me very glad that I met him, and love him the way I do--everything has been worth it.

But with this other friend--the one that spent the night--yeah, he's straight. And he doesn't care at all. I'm teaching him how to swim--I've been swimming since before I could walk, literally. He doesn't mind when I have to...help him. In fact, I'm the one who usually freaks out if I accidentally touch his butt or something. And he's the one who usually laughs at me. Hell, after we got out of the pool, we watched Fruits Basket on my bed together. And ate chips and salsa. I mean, we sang karaoke together! If that ain't camaraderie, nothing is. After everything--and I swear I'm not kidding--we ended up talking about our various experiences sexually, and watching porn. (We are guys, after all.) I didn't really care for the moaning of the women, and he didn't really get the playfulness of the men, but we just laughed at it all. He relaxes me--I think he's the only person I wouldn't blanch at the thought of watching ANY porn with, much less gay porn with a straight guy.

Relaxing, that's what we all need sometimes. I think the both of us could use a lot of that. People who are okay with who and what we are, who let us be us--people who calm our spirits when they're storming--that's what we need. And as for your friend, I think she could use some of that, too. And like me, sometimes, it sounds like she needs someone just to jolt her out of her rut, to lend her the courage to take the initiative. If I may say so, she needs to let things be--to allow herself to fall for someone.

And just like none of this isn't anyone else's business--not even my business, entirely--your sexuality isn't any of their damn business. There's no reason for them to feel one way or the other about it because it's a part of who you are. For them to be pissed about your sexuality would be like them being pissed about your eye color. Which is more silly and sad than anything else.

Just like my friends have to accept that I'm gay, and that if they're my friends, well, then they can expect to get hugged--because it's all part of the territory. And if I have less guy friends because of it, then that's a mutual loss. But I can't be friends with people halfway, it's like wearing masks all the time--you can't read their expression, you can't see how they really feel, you can't touch them; even their words and yours are muffled by the masks, and only half of everything said is understood. My friends are dear to me--there is almost nothing I wouldn't do for any and all of them--and in my own way, I love them all. But it's really hard to love people through masks, to appreciate the world through a veil--as for me, at least, I refuse to love halfway. My friends quickly learn that I take no less than I give--honesty, kindness, appreciation, openness--and most accept that too, and I see the changes in those people, the little light they let shine through, how their smiles transform, how they respond to my hugs, how they laugh when I tell them I love them, and then say it back. I love that, and I wouldn't wish for anything less.

I see how they change when they talk to other people, too. They begin to expect more, offer more of themselves upfront, and demand that same thing of the other person. I remember, only once, crying on the shoulder of a close friend, and afterwards, being ashamed of myself. "Don't be," he said. "I know you'd do the same for me." And I would, for him, and for all of my friends.

And I began to change, myself, slowly. I let myself be more free with my emotions, less arrogant, kinder, happier. I let myself laugh when I needed to laugh, and cry when I needed to cry. I let others see me, the complete me that I didn't even know existed until others brought it out in me. Until someone put me in front of a mirror, and said, figuratively, "Just be yourself." And I did.

...And I couldn't go back if I tried. And I wouldn't.

Maybe why I can only tell you to be yourself, to relax, to take things as they are as they'll be, and to deal with everything else as it comes. But even so, there's something I believe--people shouldn't compromise themselves for anything. Or anyone.

Love and Vale,
-Leavaros Dapple

EDIT: I heart Aya!

You're welcome, and don't sweat it, Juria-kun.

Feel free to talk to your friend about this: like you said, this is a public place, and we are talking about her. I'd say that she has more of a right to this discussion than anyone. I applaud you for talking to him beforehand--if he's a scumbag it's better that she doesn't fall for him.

I don't think it's contradictory at all, Juria. There are things that most people don't talk to their families about, like sex. Who better to turn to in a situation like this than people who have in all likelihood experienced many of the things you yourself are experiencing now? And what is the GGSA if not an assembly of friends who support one another through tough times, especially when dealing with sexuality and difficult parents?

Interesting anecdote. It seems like an odd thing for a mother to tell her child, but I've heard stranger. And compounding that with her stating you as a lesbian...don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds as if she has some issues of her own to work out.

Your friends are strong. That's good, everyone needs friends like that, especially when they are confused about themselves. My friends have a grounding effect on me--when I'm with them, even if I doubt myself, or feel bad about myself, they make it a little easier to manage, a little easier to be myself, even if I'm not perfect. Does that make any sense?

And...you're welcome. It's strange, but I've been hearing a lot of that lately. You know...I was just telling someone else today:



Love and Vale,
-LD

And I'm very glad for that, Juria-kun. Insightful I may be, but it was not an attribute that came easily--I had to develop it as a skill as a person and as a writer's tool, just like I have to shape those insights into words--and the right words, no less--to make them true to the insight itself.

Love and Vale,
-LD

Honestly, I think you should just take a big breath and chill for a second.
This might seem a little weird but just hear me out. All through highschool I went through the same thing. I drove myself nuts constantly wanting make a decision already and label myself something just so I could have an identity just like everyone else. It was so hard though because you're right, there are always so many ifs. I was never sure how I felt about things, at one point I was sure I was bi, then I was sure I was gay. But at the end I just didn't know. And I always felt bad about claiming something I wasn't sure of.
I think you should let things play out. Do what you want to do and celebrate being yourself. If you want to call yourself something then do, don't listen to any voice, even your own, that stops you from what you want.
But don't feel the need to finalize anything until you want to. Life changes us so much and while it empowers a lot of people to include themselves in a category. And thats great. But its not for everyone. Do what you want and don't feel pressured.
And seriously, a general rule for life is if your being honest you're not an a*****e