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Okay, this is a pretty generalized and vague thread, but please bare with me...

How do you deal when an ex bad-mouths you? After everything that you shared in a relationship, how are you supposed to react to the hatred in their words? Is there anyway to get rid of the pain?

That's pretty much what I do, but there are other ways.

You go to the person and ask them to stop...doesn't work well if you're the dumper.

You can ignore it, works about as well as it did when your parents told you to do it.

You can insult them the same way until they get the point.

You can beat them up.

or, you can twist what they're saying into something that isn't harmful, or, is harmful to them.

I'd stick with the "Don't get mad, get even" one, but that's just me.

I hope my words won't fall on deaf ears here, but I feel like I must say them.

Give that sad, little forgiving smile that ends all arguments. Don't lie, you're hurt by it--and who wouldn't be?--but you can still convey that sorrow and that forgiveness that can stop a madman in his tracks when all the "get even" in the world can't. And if you can still smile despite all those things that your ex might have said about you--if you can smile in the face of that adversity--if you can smile, and dismiss what he said as mere pettiness, what can't you do?

Love and Vale,
-LD

Oh really? That's so cool! (Mine in real life are ATS.)

And, I do understand.... It took me a long time to figure that one out, even when Mama talked about dad like that after the divorce. I've always been kind of hard-headed about things like that, but...trust me, I understand pretty well.

The first time she gave me that smile was when I was three. I had broken a dish that friends of hers had given to her a long time ago, accidentally, and I cried for a long, long time afterwards. She came to sit on my bed beside me, and told me it was okay, with that sad, little forgiving smile, and it made me cry harder than I had before, but when I stopped, I felt peace. Not numbness, like crying in grief--which I know all too well--but calmness. Because I knew she had forgiven me.

And the first time I gave that smile was when we were at Moffitt Cancer Center, and I knew that she was dying. I let her go, when no one else could--and gave her the smile that she had always given to me. Even though they said she was unresponsive, a single tear rolled down her face. She died shortly after midnight that night, on May 4th, 2006.

So trust me on this--I know.

Love and Vale,
-LD

Don't show your happiness without them, like you're flaunting it in front of them. Just be happy without them. Know that you've survive all the s**t they threw your way, and that no matter what, they can't hurt you anymore.

Try to be happy for them if they find happiness. Not only does it show a level of maturity that trying to "piss them off" can't, it's also very attractive to other people--and not just your prospective dates--that you can be so down to earth, forgiving, and accepting of other people, even though they've hurt you. I know that if I saw someone act so kindly towards an ex, I would see them as much more approachable as a friend, at least.

Do you understand what I'm saying? It all goes along with that "sad little forgiving smile". At its root, it's respect. At its peak--a peak that I always try to aspire to--it is no less than love. The love that deserves a capital "L", if I may say so myself.

Love for yourself, that you refuse to hold grudges that will slowly eat you like a canker eats sound flesh, and that you refuse to be hurt by that person. Love for your good memories of them--no relationship is all downs, right?--and Love for the person that, even if it didn't work out, you still have feelings for. Even if those feelings can only exist positively as well-wishings and generally kind thoughts.

You can fight fire with fire. But water usually always works better.

Love and Vale,
-Leavaros Dapple