First of all, I'd like to say that it's a good story! I'm also very impressed that for the most part you don't do the worst-feared first-person blunder: Starting every sentence “I noticed” then putting someone else's action. And the “Off her mushroom” bit- I adore that type of thing. Now to get on to what you asked for: Critique.
1. I'm going to have to start out with saying that this would be so much easier for some of us to read if you formatted it differently. If you've ever read a book with dialogue, which I'm pretty confident in saying you have, then you've probably noticed that for each new speaker, they kindly clarify by putting that other character's words on the next line. For example:
Francie walked down the street and saw Nancy. “Nancy!” she called.
“Francie!” Nancy replied.
“How have you been?”
“Pretty good, even though I got thrown out of my apartment.”
“Why in the world was that!?”
“Well, apparently I haven't been paying my rent...”
...and so on. It just makes it easier to read than “Nancy!” she called.“Francie!” Nancy replied.“How have you been?”“Pretty good, even though I got thrown out of my apartment.”“Why in the world was that!?”“Well, apparently I haven't been paying my rent...” I think.
2. This may have been intentional, but the “She has big things in store for her” sounds more to me like a fortune cookie than a fortune teller. Most fortune tellers seem to be a little more eloquent, and though they may be that vague, fortune tellers are a favorite foreshadower for later plot meat.
3. I would be very interested to know WHAT IT'S LIKE to talk directly to a wolf.
4. One complete thought per sentence please. I know this is grammar, but grammar is our FRIEND.
Where am I seeing this?
Quote:
At birth it was my destiny to be the queen a fortune teller elf confirmed it by sayin
Quote:
My fairy Autum flies around my hand she drinks the dew from the flower
Quote:
I still remember the day I found her injuried in the fall she was different then other fairies she had red and orange leaves as an outfit most fairies have green leaves
Quote:
"You will make a great queen princess Chlora you have nothing to fear."
5. I Get a real kick out of imagining a tiny little fairy trying to do yardwork...I'm sure your audience would enjoy reading about it.
6. The flip side of this is having sentence fragments, sorry, but this is happening too.
Quote:
As soon as I'm queen study, practice and work.
Again, I can get the point, but it still bothers picky people like me and perhaps someday publishers.
7. Wait, who does the rebel leader think is beautiful? Specifying the speaker, especially when two people talking to each other both qualify as “she.”
8. What are the rebel's threats if you
don't meet their demands?
9. “We got into an argument. I went to my room.” I beg of you, please show us, instead of telling us! There must be some emotion running through this elf's veins! We as the audience need to feel that, and we can't at all right now.
10. Which side is Jason on?
11. Err, how do you know that it was knock out poison at the time?
12. Punctuation. is, your: friend; There's a lot of difference between “Destiny our destiny,” “Destiny. Our destiny,” and “Destiny: our destiny.” (Especially with a wolf named Destiny...)
13. Do they know each other somehow other than mortal enemies? Because either way you can fit in some major internal conflict right about there...
14. If he's keeping her there why in the world does she get to go back to her room? And why was the rebel guy there? And if they're at the rebel base why does she get a room there and a caring chef? SO CONFUSED.....T-T
15. As a final note, I don't want to be a spelling grammar Nazi, but if you want to be a writer, you need me to be, or to be your own. If you don't take t he time to at the least proofread your work, no one else is going to take the time to read it.
But him wanting to marry her is really cute...just incredibly...sudden. It seems like a very major plot twist to be putting in before we even get to know the character!