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 Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 9:30 am
Hate to bring up an old topic, but it happened again last night. After he'd insisted that he wouldn't do that any longer. Male weakness perhaps, but it hurts just the same regardless. Especially considering I made myself available to him last night and got turned down and then found out he'd used porn as a means to get off.
Should I just be accepting that this is how it's going to be?
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Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 11:18 am
No, you shouldn't just accept how this is going to be. mad What a hurtful and horrible thing to do to you. (And you can bring up old topics as long as they're still relevant.)
Has he given you any explanation as to why he's looking at pornography and masturbating instead of being intimate with you? And does he understand how much that hurts you as a person and makes you feel?
If he understands how much this hurts you and makes you feel bad and he's doing it anyway and doesn't care, shoot Rai, why put up with that? sad I could never settle for being treated so poorly by someone who is supposed to love me and hold me in high regard.
You deserve to be treated so much better then what you're getting.
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Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 5:06 pm
Why should you accept something that he broken an agreement on?!
It just baffles me. Regardless of anyone's stance on porn, you made it clear it affects you, it's not something you want in your marriage. He made the promise to stop, and he broke that. I'd be furious and heartbroken over that violation of trust.
If you don't speak up that you don't accept it, he'll continue and nothing will change for the better. Not to mention, what message does that send to your son?
I agree wholeheartedly with Dirge. I also think you two really should seek some marriage counseling. At the VERY least, some individual counseling just for you. And if he refuses, I have to question how much he is willing to put in.
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Posted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 12:53 pm
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Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 11:59 am
Not much to say, honestly. He and I spoke about it on and off for a few days and it just came to the point where I said to him 'I'm just supposed to accept your apology and accept that this happens, huh?' He didn't really comment.
That was a couple of weeks ago, and he seems to feel more settled in our relationship whereas I still feel like things are out of whack. I think the thing that upset me the most was that he kept on saying 'they are more physically/sexually attractive but...' which didn't make me feel any better about myself at all.
I don't know. I have said to him that it's not something I can easily let go. And that the slightest notion of this happening again means he obviously doesn't value my feelings/dedication. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but being the pessimist that I am, who knows.
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Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 4:52 pm
Have you tried asking him how *he'd* feel if you turned him down for sex and then he found out you had been looking at porn and getting off that way? confused I'm willing to be he'd be feeling pretty shitty too and would be just as upset as you are. Being rejected for visual media is horrible.
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Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 8:18 am
I tried to phrase it in a million ways and he really didn't see it from my view. They were there just so he could get off quick, whereas he says it's different with me. What he doesn't realize is that it hurts my self-esteem knowing I look nothing like these images that turn him on, so how am I supposed to believe that I turn him on?
The conversation comes up in topic occasionally, because he doesn't make me feel sexually desired nor satisfied, but he's now accused me of saying he's a bad husband. I didn't mean to imply it, but he's not a very good lover and that's important to me because I need to feel that I at least rate somewhere up there in his fantasies.
I feel like I can rant about it here, get it off of my chest. Because talking seems to do no good anymore. I'm accused of nagging or 'being mean' when I'm just trying to spill my heart out so he can see why I'm depressed.
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Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 10:40 am
That's horrible that he's belittling your feelings like that and trying to make this your fault rather then seeing that his actions are hurting you and your relationship. sad
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Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 4:42 pm
Well, doesn't sound like he's a good husband to be brutually frank here.
He's not willing to see anything your way, turning it around on you. That angers me and scares me that he so easily manipulates everything away from him and accusingly no less.
Stand up for yourself, for your relationship, for you. He's not listening, period. There's a great saying I love when it comes to these things:
"Listen without defending, speak without offending."
He's breaking both. I say it's time to tell him it's counseling time. And as much as I'm all for working things through, it CAN'T be all on you. You can't carry this burden of unhappiness, being the glue of the relationship, subdued, meek, accepting. Your son is young now, but they are so amazingly perceptive even so young.
I am not saying lay down a nasty ultimatum, but I do think you should tell him that it's marriage counseling or this just isn't going to work. He's not showing love to you, IMO. To not accept you for you, to crush your self esteem by saying you're not as attractive? How much are you going to have to sacrifice?
Rai, my heart really breaks for you. PLEASE don't accept this becaue you feel there is nothing else. You deserve better, your son deserves better.
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