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 Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2007 6:35 pm
Whoo and this baby is ready to go! Mostly. 8D
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Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2007 6:46 pm
*parties for completion* Huzzah!
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 9:21 am
Okay, top to bottom critique. I'll basically go over what I like, what I don't, point out if anything is riddled with holes or seems iffy. I probably won't point out spelling of grammar unless it's really incorrect because, honestly, plot holes and the like are probably more important (and more useful to you, to boot) in the long run. Hopefully everything will be clearly labeled and understandable, but if you happen to have any questions I'll be happy to clarify things if there's a need to.
The Basics
First of all, I'd like to point out that I really appreciate a nicely set up quest thread. It really makes it look like you legitimately care about your concept, whereas some people have just kind of thrown up a couple of posts with some information and called it finished. Putting the effort into a well organized thread is so good to see. It may be a small petty thing, but I'm always more inclined to like questers with well organized threads over quest with big blocks of text. So kudos on that point.
On Elin
Appearance:
Good choice to make the antlers pretty and functional rather than SUPER SPESHUL. While you could have legitimately gone the other direction with it (and probably wouldn't have gotten flak for it from me, given the givens), I always like it when someone takes a 'rumor' and makes it false. It adds potential interest and gives you something to work with, even if it's just something you have on hand later or for her teen quest or summat. Little details that can turn into big things later are awesome to have in a concept, even if you're not consciously setting it up that way initially. Faults, even if they're things like this which may not actually even come up or even be considered a fault by reborn-gaia terms, gives you somewhere to go and it's nice to see some thought going into these traits even if it's just circumstantial.
Okay, now this is just a personal nitpick of mine, but people in the B/C seem to imbue their children with so much internal information and so forth before it really seems feasible. Most toddlers will not have an idea that it "isn't appropriate" to be naked. They may realize that 'Hey, my mom/dad puts me in clothes, so that's why I should wear them!' or maybe even 'Hey, I kind of like clothes so I'm going to keep this stuff on!' No toddler I have ever known has worn clothes because they're supposed to be society's norms. If you're toddler is going to have motivation to keep clothes on, make it a feasible one for their age. No toddler is going to care what someone outside of their immediate family thinks about them, so if Elin KNOWS that it's not appropriate to be naked, then it HAS to be something told to her over and over again by her respective guardian. Toddlers in the B/C seem to function and talk and walk and do all sorts of things actual toddlers can not, in fact, do. While I realize this makes it a whole lot less exciting to play, you HAVE to think from the perspective of an extremely young child and that includes looking at social norms and one's perception of them from a different angle.
My next nitpick is with the hair cutting. I've had long hair, I've had extremely short hair and everything in between. If Elin is cutting her long hair to keep it out of the way, it makes absolutely zero sense to cut it chin-length. Chin length hair is a b***h to keep out of your face. It's impossible to hold back in a pony tail and clips just don't cut it because the rest of it will inevitably flap forward over your ears, get caught in things, so on and so forth. If you're going to cut her hair for some functional purpose beyond altering her outward appearance, it SHOULD be short. Short in the front where it won't flop in her face, cropped around the ears, etc.,. In terms of hair that doesn’t' get in the way' the shorter the better. Roll-out-of-bed short. Chin-length will get EVERYWHERE. Even LONG hair would be better than chin length, because then she could keep it pulled back in a pony tail or a braid. Chin-length hair simply makes zero sense in terms of the 'purpose' you've given it.
On a positive note, I appreciate that you've taken a realistic perspective to her antler growth and have obviously done some research in terms of points and so forth.
Personality:
Again, personal qualms and all that, but it drives me up the wall when people's toddlers are so over developed. A toddler stage should start off with the kid knowing how to walk and maybe speak very very basic things. Interaction with people if fine. Awesome. Excellent. At this stage, children should want to learn how to communicate more clearly and so forth. That said, just because Elin has grown doesn't mean she should immediately be able to hold conversations of any real weight.
I'm not saying your toddler should just sit there like the infant stage tends to be - I'm saying there should be a connection, a DEVELOPMENT, from infant to toddler. Furthermore, most toddlers will not really be capable of playing coordinated games like tag in the real sense of the game. Young children might skirt around, but high speed endorphin building game play doesn't typically start with people until they're children. Toddlers are exactly what the stage describes it to be: they toddle. Toward the end of this stage, romping about might be a little more appropriate (especially given Elin's heritage), but I really just want to point out that there needs to be DEVELOPMENT toward this. You may already have this in mind, but I didn't get a particularly good feel of it from the descriptions - though I will admit that personality timelines and the simple nature of quests is a bit limited in this kind of situation. I just wanted to hammer it in because it's a very very important thing to think about and many owners seem to think that just because their child grows in stages, their abilities (human, not magical or innate) can come in leaps and bounds too.
That said, I really enjoy that she takes things at such face value - those first impressions being so devastatingly important could really turn out to be a really interesting character failing on her part later and it'll be interesting to see what you do with it. -And when I say 'failing,' I don't mean that it's a bad thing - it's good for characters to have gaps and pitfalls in their personality. It lends to development which is awesome. That said, you're going to have to be very invested in keeping with this perspective Elin carries. As a writer, you will doubtlessly gain outside knowledge of characters that Elin had no idea about, faults and strengths, the true nature of characters that Elin may perceive as selfish could in fact just be walled up and shy - as a writer, particularly in roleplay, we tend to know far more about the opposite character than our own characters do. Because of this, you're going to have to play friendships (and rivalries) with a subtle touch and make sure to check yourself from time to time going 'How does this look from Elin's standpoint? If she was just hearing these things being spoken without any of the added narrative, what conclusions would she draw from this?' Often times, the logical conclusion that we as a writer see will differ from what a character (particularly one with this 'face value, no second chances' thing that Elin has) sees. Good trait to have for a character and it'll be interesting to see what you do with it.
Also, in terms of the heightened senses, you may want to consider the fact that to Elin this is all natural to her. She may not initially realize that her senses are something special in comparison to other people. It's like children who have always had poor vision - they don't necessarily realize they need glasses until someone points it out to them. You may already have this in mind, but I just wanted to suggest it in case you didn't.
Kudos on the character development from Kid to Teenager with the whole second changes thing. Well played move there and it's nice to see that you really do have a path in mind in terms of development that is affected by OUTSIDE sources. So many times do roleplays not consider the consequences of events and actions, so it's nice to see that Elin learning about her past life has made a sensible and delightfully organic change on her personality.
Hee, deer in the headlights. Awesome. <3
Abilities:
Good job for taking into account the effect of her running on her bare feet. You may also want to consider the fact that no matter how calloused her feet are, if she runs at high speeds for an exceptionally long time, her feet will probably get bloodied and torn up.
Solid stuff here, nothing else to really say.
Past Life
Nothing to say here beyond, sdhgfdjb Oh man, frikkin' AWESOME. Now THAT is a past life. You've put some fabulous thought, detail and EMOTION into the piece. Aaah, lovely job. It reads distinctly like an old myth which is just wonderful. Well done - and you've given yourself some REALLY interesting material to work with later. Kud-freakin'-os.
Overall Grade: A
Not a whole lot to be changed or reworked, you've done a really lovely and solid job with research and have clearly put some good thought into Elin's characters and her backstory. Really well done, Wotcher-face. <3
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 12:22 pm
Thank you so much, Pukio! <3
I totally understand the hair now that you've pointed it out. I've personally never had hair shorter than shoulder length (except when I was younger, I guess), so I was just guessing on the chin length hair. I'll change it to something more realistic now. XD
Noted on the personality issues, too. I'll definitely be looking into her personality more and making some appropriate changes. Like you said, it's hard to have a toddler act like a toddler on Gaia, because, honestly, no one wants to RP a REAL toddler. >>;
AND THANK YOU ABOUT THE PAST LIFE. <333 I was really worried about that particular part because I thought it was too long and drawn out.
Thank you again! o:
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Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2007 4:24 pm
I've changed a few small things, all of which were addressed in Pukio's critique. Nothing big, as Elin is still Elin. Her hair and a few things about her personality, specifically in the toddler and kid stages. <3
Now to work on Gloria. 8D
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Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 3:13 pm
Omg whut, completed?! o: <33
Thank you, Kyri and Noz and everyone else. 8D
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