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 Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 6:00 pm
I was in an airport today, flying to Dayton Ohio. Before I got on, I admired the beauty of a Floridian sunrise. Here lies the result of pondering and love in the same heart.
*****
"Celestia"
Indigo-tipped Clouds
Sleepwalk on a cobalt background,
Yawning with the pale pink dawn,
Awaiting the orange burst,
That accompanies Sun
To his zenith.
As they age,
Clouds grow long white beards from navy beginnings.
As time passes,
The setting turns azure.
Sun moves across his domain,
Leaving nothing untouched,
As his reign expands.
From sapphire comes ruby,
And once more, the ginger streak comes,
Now auburn with time's passage,
Escorting Sun out of his palace,
Just as it ushered him in,
And the sun departs, gold tinted rose by exhaustion.
Ruby becomes burgandy;
Burgandy, plum;
Plum, wine;
And finally inky cobalt once more,
As Moon,
Attended by a legion of twinkling wisps and silver-touched fluff,
Steals the stage,
Glowing with ethereal luminance.
And she retires also,
Drifting on a fading lapis dream,
As dawn returns.
*****
This is my best, by far.
-Valens
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Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 6:15 pm
That's the way the world from the airplane looked as we decended over San Diego a few weeks ago. I think you captured the sun setting over clouds perfectly. That's what it made me think of, anyways.
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Posted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 10:06 am
Very prettily done. It reminds me of a trip I took when I was....five years old. I barely remember it, but that brought back some memories of the plane ride. 3nodding
~Kiyo
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Posted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 10:34 am
Yeah, I PMed this to Crystals, but I think that it's important to the poem.
I got much of the second stanza from my first plane ride.
However, Crystals didn't get everything:
The first is as above the poem itself,
The third is from a sunset on a beach in my native Florida,
The fourt and fifth are from moon-gazing all my life,
And the whole is from the experience of living with my head in the clouds.
-Valens
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Posted: Fri Dec 22, 2006 4:37 pm
Dense o.o Big language always puts me off. I like a super short, direct style, like the poem is hitting the reader domokun But, after read yours four or five times I started to get into it and be able to follow it xp
I really like the image of the sleepy clouds at the beginning. It's what made me re-read the poem all those times. There's something about sleep and the sky... I think this is because I'm a nightgazer. I like to go outside in the middle of the night and just look and admire how beautiful everything is. Also, I enjoy dreams and sleep, so I get a good strong peaceful feeling from the poem.
I really liked the stanzas about the moon at the end...inky, ethereal luminance, twinkling, drifting...Good night words that make Glory's eyes light up. I'm a bit of a night owl, if you hadn't noticed <.<
I just don't like the idea of the sun having a palace...I'm anti-palaces and castles. I guess because it makes me think of kings and tyrants, so the sun becomes a sort of tyrant in my mind xd Also, in Texas, the sun seems to just burn up everything. It's normally too hot to do anything sweatdrop
Evil sun!
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Posted: Fri Dec 22, 2006 5:10 pm
You really wouldn't like Father then....
Anyway, I think you're partially right--the language does set off the poem. But it is supposed to be a painting in words, and I feel like I did fairly well on that platform.
Thanks for the comments!
-Valens
P.S. I'll post two more poems soon. Just, once I get back from my uncle's.
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Posted: Fri Dec 22, 2006 5:33 pm
Leavaros Anyway, I think you're partially right--the language does set off the poem. But it is supposed to be a painting in words, and I feel like I did fairly well on that platform. My poems tend to sound like yours. To me they sound preachy and like a senseless ranting of words with no depth. That short style I like seems to be more emotional. Quick words that leave an echo of feeling. But your style forced me to actually try to wrap my mind around the poem, which I would say is a worthy success =P I tend to be lazy. I do doubt many people would take up the wordy dense challenge though... I did get the feeling the poem was supposed to be like a painting. All the names for the colors made me think that, although they hurt my head.I had to figure out if you pulled out your thesaurus and were just calling the same shade of blue five different names or if there was an actual reason, an actual variation in the color. I figured since you're smart and articulate, that it was the second one. ^_^ But I also wonder....if there also is a deeper message in the poem? *cocks eyebrow* That it wasn't about just the clouds, the sun, the moon...but something...else? ninja
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Posted: Fri Dec 22, 2006 6:01 pm
Ahh, my dear, that is perhaps the best comment I've ever read that you've written.
Hmhmhm, yes, I do cater to the audience that doesn't mind choking down a lesson with my poetry. All of my prose has deeper meanings, though some are far easier than others to realize. And most have a second dual theme. This falls under both categories.
Before I go into that though, I must tell you that I did indeed pull out the thesaurus on two of the words, because I couldn't get the right color. But in my defense, it made the poem better. Deeper. Realer. (Is that a word?)
Okay. First, I hope you realize that the main theme is life and death. Pink clouds, white beards, the mention of time, all of this represents the flowing of time.
But you're right. There is more to it. Realize how drawn out and tiring it was to read the second and third stanzas. There is a purpose for that. As arrogant as the sun is, with his attendent, it is difficult to read, almost--dare I say--boring.
However, the moon gets only a single stanza, but it is fluid, and follows her own pattern. She may only pop up once in a quarter of the time that the sun does, but she uses her time to bring peace and rest to the land, shining and dreaming, and gives up her "throne"--though I think I made it clear that she didn't have a throne--peacefuly, without gorey red painting the sky and drifts peacefully to sleep, while dawn again rouses the sleepy clouds.
Of course, only a few know the little joke in this one. Demon, Kiyo? Do you remember? Guessw, glory! It'll be fun.
~Valens
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Posted: Fri Dec 22, 2006 7:36 pm
Leavaros Ahh, my dear, that is perhaps the best comment I've ever read that you've written. Thank you... I do have a serious, commenting, critic side. I just don't show it much... I actually noticed the stuff about time too XP Forgot to mention that...
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