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 Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 7:34 pm
I'm having trouble sleeping with my fever. I often wake up coughing up phlegm or sweating my brains out. I remember though, one night when I was very young, and I was having trouble falling asleep.
Nothing could help me. I looked outside my window at the great white orb, and suddenly, I knew exactly why the ancient Greeks worshipped her. I fell asleep with her over me, and awoke in the morning rested.
She has inspired this poem, and I pray that this gives others that peace.
"Luna's Lullaby"
The moon,
Dressed in luminance,
Attended by a thousand twinkling angels,
Shines her silver light into my window,
Gently penetrating the sheer curtains,
Cutting to my soul,
My heart of hearts,
Where the whitish glow,
Sings the sweetest lullaby,
Lifting me to the midnight heavens,
Where softest silver-kissed clouds
Drift peacefully on quiet winds.
And where the sun dreams,
So do I.
Vale,
-LD
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Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 7:41 pm
Very calming, and yet almost...ominous.
I liked it though, it has a nice flow to it. 3nodding
*Applauds*
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Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 8:29 pm
Sorry, I had to edit it a bit. I meant for it to sound lulling and mysterious, not ominous....
I guess I overshot it a little bit, huh? sweatdrop
Anyway, I think it's better now, and though it still sounds a little strange, it has the quality I originally intended it to have.
Vale, and thanks for the input,
-LD
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Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 12:00 pm
Well, no matter. You fixed it, and now it does still sound mysterious, but maybe not ominous. It already sounded lulling the first time. sweatdrop
It is much better now, I liked it the other way as well, it just had a different tone. 3nodding
*Applauds again*
~Kiyo
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Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 6:02 pm
For me it seemed like what dying would be like. biggrin
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Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 7:41 am
crystalsmuse For me it seemed like what dying would be like. biggrin Oh, well.... If I was going to die, I guess that would be how I'd want to go.... sweatdrop Vale, -LD
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Posted: Wed Jan 24, 2007 1:04 pm
It is very lulling. I almost think it would make a good lullaby song (but I'm not talented enough to make up tunes.) It's pretty.
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Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 10:12 am
Wow, how did I miss this poem? And yes, that gut wrenching feeling is telling you that I'm about to critique.
I actually did go over and make it into a sweet little song, sadly, if sung the way its written, it's hardly a lullaby. I say this because no lullaby I've ever sung and been sung has had the words, cutting, penetrated, sheer or whitish. I changed those words to smoother, more delicate words and I nearly came to tears singing it, and yes, I can sing, but only in a low E baratone, anything higher and... nevermind that.
I'm not sure how this can accord to dying, falling asleep yes, because clouds can be a metaphor for pillow and heavens the dream state.
Excellent piece though, just need to fix those knife-like edges.
the Demon
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Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2007 10:08 pm
Do you wish to list off items that I could change Demon? After all, a poem, as it's writer does, has the capacity to change. And I think you may be right. It should be softer, more mellow, befitting the Goddess herself.
Please, my Demon, I encourage you to critique. After all, my Demon, if you are going to be one at all, theen be my Devil's Advocate. I will be the one to listen to such advice. Does that make me the Devil?
No, I don't believe so. I planted the seeds for such a poem and many others, it is up to myself and all those capable to provide alterations if necessary, and I do believe that the situation calls for it this time.
So, please, my Demon: make the sweetest lullaby from these too-sharp beginnings, one befitting the woman for which it was named.
Love and Vale,
~Valens
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2007 7:24 am
I did list off all the items in your poem, there were only a few so I pointed them out.
Don't look at me to make something sweet and delicate, my machoness prevents from doing so. I can only pick out flaws, which I did in my above post, if you can change those I believe the poem will be fine. Just use simple, easy to understand synonyms, since we don't sing to each other, children are usually the ones we sing too.
Believe me, you don't want to hear me write a love poem... I'd end up critiquing it scream sweatdrop
the Demon
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2007 2:59 pm
Oh, I get that very well, Demon. I was hoping for suggestions.
~Valens
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2007 8:47 pm
Damn it Varos, play on my boredum like that, you b*****d!
Since I like the idea of this actually being sung, I'm going to rewrite the words that don't fit.
The moon,
Clothed in silver.
Attended,
By a host of angels.
Shines her silken light,
Through my window.
Gently to my soul,
Gently through my heart of hearts,
With the whitest glow,
She sings me a lullaby.
Lifting me to the midnight heaven,
Where silver-kissed clouds, pass me by.
And so the sun it dreams...
And so,
Do I
That's the best I got. Notice I only use one 3 syllabyl word, it keeps the flow better and the lines are generally shorter and easier to remember. I think it's a little more soothing in my opinion, but hey, you asked, and you received.
the Demon
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Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2007 12:52 pm
Hmm.......
"Through darkness, the light."
I liked some of what you did, in using softer words, but you should know not to change either the beginning or ending of anything not yours. Like a person, one does not change the features that6 make them, them. The heart of it, I fear, is lost in this.
However, antithesis is a powerful thing. I think that I will tweak it a bit....
"Luna's Lullaby" (Revised)
Luna,
Dressed in luminance,
Brings blessings from smiling spirits,
Shining light into my window,
Gently gliding towards my soul,
My heart of hearts,
Where the silver glow,
Sings the sweetest lullaby,
Lifting me to starlit heavens,
Where soft, silver-kissed clouds
Drift sleepily on silent winds.
And where the sun dreams,
So do I.
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