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 Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 9:49 pm
Donut, to Lopez*in Spanish*," Lopez, do you know what time it is? I'm going to the beach with my cousin who likes to play tennis. I ate a pencil.
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Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 10:58 am
Sarge: well, get yer keister up here griff, we have just enough time to paint the bullseye on your back *short pause* by bullseye I mean camouflage
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Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 8:41 am
sarge: but what about the violence, and the winning, and the blues, and the killing of the blues, and the murder?! isn't that why we're here? they have a base, we have a base; clearly they must die!
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Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 1:26 pm
Grif - Is the war over?
Sarge - Thats right private, war's over, we won. Turns out you're the big hero, and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here is in charge of confetti!
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Posted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 1:47 am
Grif: Wheeee~
Dounut: Did you hear that? It sounds like they're having fun in there.
Sarge: Clearly Grif has become so stupid, he's mixed up the yells for pain and happiness! Simons must be doing absolutely diabolical things to him! ... lets give him a few more hours, see if he escapes on his own.
Grif: Simons, I am having a blast going in and out of your hole!
Simons: Grif, just stay down there like you're told!
Dounut: Oh that's my queue! Lets go~
-----
Red finatic: Master! Head Master! I have finished the duties you assigned me!
Omally: You polished all the curtains?
Red finatic: Yes, and the ammunition too! It was like cleaning the impurities from my very essence!
Omally: What about the evil windmill? Uahaha...
Red finatic: I greased the engine and filled it with gas. It was like giving my own soul a tune up!
------
Sarge: What the hell was that?
Simons: It sounded like a huge explosion!
Sarge: Sham dilly lace! That means the blues have re-armed the bomb!
Grif: Wait-- They re-armed it and it exploded. Isn't that good for us?
Sarge: Grif! Don't interup me when I'm leading in a battle situation.
Grif: We're in battle?
Sarge: Of course we are! Now get ready for your orders. Dounut!
Dounut: Yes sir.
Sarge: Scream like a woman!
Dounut: Can~ do. Ahhhhhh-- *continues*
Sarge: Grif!
Dounut: *continues*
Grif: What?
Sarge: Prepare to sacrifice yourself, to save a nearby superior officer.
Dounut: Ahhh-- we're gonna die! Ahhh-- we're gonna die! Uahhhhhh!
Grif: I don't think I've been trained on that.
Sarge: Simons.. kiss a** at will.
Simons: You're both an excellent leader and a handsome man sir.
Dounut: Uoooh hu huuuu~ Uooh huh huu~
Sarge: Excellent work Simons! Incoming.
*missle passes and explodes*
Dounut: Its game over men-- Its game over!
Sarge: Grif, you're up.
Grif: Permission to assist Dounut sir.
Sarge: Permission denied. Continue with operation meat shield!
Dounut: U-ahhhhh~ uahwaa we're gonna die~ we're gonna die!
Sarge: Remeber, just cause your bones are broken doesn't mean they won't stop bullets from hitting me! Now get out there!
Simons: Good call sir!
Dounut: Ahhh-- We're gonna die! Oh god please help me~ ooh please somebody!
Sarge: You're on your way to a metal Simons! In fact, metals all the way around! A purple heart for Grif, a pink heart for Dounut, and a brown nose for Simons.
Dounut: I'm too young to die! I'm too pretty to die! Ahh I haven't even seen Paris yet!
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Posted: Thu Nov 27, 2008 11:34 pm
Grif: What the hell was that?!
Sarge: Grif! If I've told you once I've told you 1000 times, you've got to pay attention in battle. You can't let yourself get distracted by-- Oh crap flying jeep.
Simons: Run!
*insert random thrown and falling objects*
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Posted: Tue Feb 17, 2009 12:22 am
Simmons: Come in Sarge, come in. I can see blue base, but there's no one around. There's some kind of light, and it looks like somebody’s working on something. I'll move up closer and see if I can find anyone, but I don't think that--
Caboose: Hello.
Simmons: Jesus!
*Later on at red base*
Simmons: Hey Sarge.
Sarge: Simmons, what'd you find out?
Simmons: Well, I know their base isn't running on brain power.
Sarge: Excellent, that means Grif can still be used as fuel once we get the generators turned on.
Grif: Help me Simmons!!
Sarge: I think that blue bolt has something to do with the power and ours isn't work'in.
Grif: Jesus Christ!
Simmons: So, why didn't you climb up there?
Sarge: Me? Afraid of heights. ....I mean allergic.
Grif: Everyone's afraid of heights!
Simmons: You have a fear of heights? Didn't you used to jump out of ships at high orbit durring the war?
Sarge: An how do you think I developed that fear? That s**t was crazy.
Grif: Ok, I made it! I'm at the top!
Sarge: What'd you see?
Grif: WHAT?!
Sarge: What do you see?!
Grif: What do I see? I see everything! ...because I'm at the top of the ******** world!
Sarge: Can you see the port where the bolt comes out?
Grif: Ya its right here! But I think its blocked!
Sarge: What?!
Grif: Its blocked!
Sarge: What's blocking it?
Grif: It looks like a bunch of pieces of a ship!
Sarge: ......That's disgusting! Who would climb all that way up there just to do that?!
Grif: I said shi-pa!
Sarge: Oh right.
Simmons: What kind of ship is it?
Grif: How the ******** should I know? Its in a million pieces! What difference does it make?!
Simmons: Sorry! I'm just naturally curious!
Grif: I'm going to spit on you Simmons!!!
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Posted: Mon Feb 23, 2009 9:01 pm
Grif: I'm telling you, this is a whole new world for us. New bases, new armor. Its a fresh start...!
Simmons: Then why the ******** are we still having the same stupid conversation?
Grif: Just think, you know how people say, "If I knew then what I know now" well then that person is you, and you already know it. And the then is right now!
Simmons: What?
Grif: Don't you remember anything from our last assignment? Like all your mistakes?
Simmons: I didn't make mistakes, you made mistakes!
Grif: Exactly! You set too high of a bar, and that made it harder for the rest of us.
Simmons: There is no 'rest of us', there's just you.... and you suck! The bar has nothing to do with it. If the bar were set any lower, you'd just hit your ******** head on it... or accidently eat it.
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Posted: Mon Mar 02, 2009 9:36 pm
Sarge: Hey Grif, we're going to need you to clear that blockage!
Grif: How?! These pieces are huge! How am I supposed to lift them?
Sarge: Well... they do say people in emotional situations can sometimes get super-human strength.
Grif: Yeah?! Well what about people in situations where they really don't give a ********?! What kind of powers do they get?!
Sarge: Grif!
Simmons: If you can't lift it, just try clearing it with a grenade!
Grif: Umm... is that safe?!
Simmons: None of this is safe! You going to start analyzing now?!
Sarge: Here Grif, take one of mine!
*BLAM*
Simmons: Sarge! You pulled the pin out!
Sarge: Of Course I did! Who throws a grenade with the pin still in it? Hey Grif, catch this one!
Grif: No! I'm not catching those!
Sarge: Damnit I can't reach.
Simmons: Ack! Cut it out!
Grif: Yeah! Let me get back to work up here!
*missle goes by*
Sarge: Ya catch that one?
Grif: Ok.... here we go!
*grenade thrown into pile*
Grif: Oh s**t! Uhh-- where do I go when the grenade exp--
*que giant explotion and slow-mo effects*
Grif: F-----------u----------------c-------
Simmons: Oh no he's falling!
Sarge: I can see that.
Simmons: Should we try to catch him?!
Grif: Catch him? Hell no. He'll crush us.
Simmons: What do we do?!
Sarge: I got an idea. Lets act like we're going to catch him, and then we don't. That's a win-win!
*later when Grif falls*
Grif: -----k *THUD*
Sarge: Great! Hey Simmons, we won Blood Gultch.
Simmons: Oh cool. Suck it blue.
Sarge: Oh... and tell Grif his sisters' dead.
Simmons: Yes sir! Wait-- what?
Grif:Eehhehnnn... What happend?
Sarge: Grif, you're awake, good. Lopez is coming here, I need you to stay out of the way.
Grif: Uhh-- can do.
Sarge: Simmons, you check the base. Make sure everything is online. Lopez is going to need all the power he can get.
Simmons: On it sir.
Sarge: Lopez you get in the base, start working on the plans I sent you.
Lopez: Si.
Simmons: Wow! He got here fast!
Sarge: Oh and a Grif, one more thing. You might want to sit down.
Grif: I can't sit, I think both my knee caps are shattered!
Sarge: Oh, well in that case Simmons... you better be prepared to catch him. He'll probably faint when I tell him his sister is dead.
Grif: My sister is dead?
Sarge: Oh you already know. Good. I was worried about how to break the news to you. That could have been awkward.
Grif: No way... Not true.
Sarge: Lopez told us himself.
Grif: Yeah right.
Simmons: You-- don't believe it?
Grif: I'll tell you what, you produce a corpes, I'll believe it.
Simmons: Huh?!
Grif: Listen... Once when we were kids, we went ice skating, and she fell threw the ice. She was under there for three hours, and when they pulled her out... not only was she still alive, she was pregnant... If you can explain that to me, I'll believe you when you tell me she's dead.
Sarge: Uuh... I wouldn't even know how.
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Posted: Thu Apr 02, 2009 8:22 pm
Lopez: Don't ******** with my methods. - 6th Anniversary PSA
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Posted: Sat Jun 13, 2009 11:05 pm
Simmons: Sarge, come in this is Simmons.
Sarge: Grif, I do not want to discuss this anymore! You need to shower on a regular basis. Its regulation!
Simmons: Sarge, hey. Sarge?
Grif: Why? Our suits are ventilated. They push out all the stink.
Simmons: Grif, hello? Goddamit.
Sarge: You're just going to give away out position with those green wavy lines coming off of you.
Grif: Okay, I'll shower... occassionally.
Sarge: Everyday.
Grif: Everyday? How long can I tell a day is? The sun never sets around here. Why the hell doesn't the sun set?
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Posted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 12:57 am
Sarge: Attention Blue Team! This is the Red Team! We are here to destroy you! You're long reign of being the shittiest team around is about to come to a sudden and cataclysmic end! We will give you a few moments to soak in the horror of this announcement; and then return for your reaction. Be right back!
Sarge: Heh heh, all right, that aught to scare the bejezzus out of him.
Sarge: You're right Simmons, its not really accurate to refure to one person as a team. What's better? Blue person? Blue man... Bluetonian? Bluetard.
Simmons: What I meant was, I don't see the point in announcing to him that we're going to attack. Why don't we just do it?
Sarge: There's an order to this Simmons. We can't abandon protocal just because we have an advantage. We have to give him a chance to see the errors of his blue ways. To lay down his arms and meet us as fellow men at the table of peace, where we can work together towards a better world. A world that's better because we poisoned his food at that table, and stabbed him in the eye with a fork... and taken all his stuff.
Simmons: Dibbs on the Computers.
Sarge: Noted.
Grif: Sarge, have you thought this invasion all the way through?
Sarge: Of course I have! We beat the Blues, we win, you suck. That's the whole way through.
Sarge: Command, come in Command. This is Blood Gultch Outpost-- Wait, I mean... Simmons the name of this place again?
Simmons: Valhalla.
Sarge: Valhalldigajanglecallit--thingy, Outpost number one! Do you read? Come in. I need advisement on what to do about Blue Team.
Simmons: What are you doing?
Grif: What do you mean 'what am I doing'? We have one enemy here, we can milk this for years.
Sarge: No. Blue Team. Blue~
Grif: If we beat them, command will just send us to some new base, where we have to fight a real team.
Simmons: So?
Grif: So?! Do you want to fight one shitty enemy or five real enemies?
Sarge: B-l-u-e, Blue! Try looking under 'Suck it'.
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