KirbyVictorious
NovaKing
KirbyVictorious
NovaKing
Zokay. First let me say that this is all my opinion, and nothing more. Those opinions are as follows:
1. please indent X_X dialogue usually begins a new paragraph and it would do wonders for my eyes if you followed that rule. Sorry, sorry.... But I'm lazy.
2. I think you should begin with a little more description to add some consistancy to your style (the later chapters contain much more description than this one, which is a shame because description really is your strong point.)OKay.... 'Tis a thought.
3. I think there should be more transition between their wandering in the woods and the school, if not for looks and flow, then to allow your reader to become more aquinted with the setting. But it's a forest, just a forest. That's where the imagination comes in.... It's a suggestion in the context of description being your strongest point.
4. If Marli is a teenager I personally would have liked if you had told me that off the bat and then explained why she was the school teacher as well.Kamile doesn't know until later. We know when she does. Yeah I never really caught on to that theme especially since you broke off at points when she wasn't around.
5. try to elaborate more when you make a statement. For instance, the statement: "Marli was infamous for her never-ending lectures." could be coupled with an example of one lecture about some thing which lasted a dizzing length of time. she WAS lecturing....it sounds better if you add information to a statement, especially when the statement is about something not readilly known to the reader - such as statements concerning character traits.
6. The fact that Marli is a teenager clears up the briefness and simplicity of her explinations concerning history, but I still don't understand why she has to be a teenager, why they let her teach if she was a teenager, and what the point of her being a teenager is. That's explained later, if you'd read. Kayle recommended her because shes really smart. She's a teenager because she just is. was there any argument to her apointment there? How did she prove herself capable over an older scholar?Explained later. READ.
7. I think it might be better to replace physics with alchemy. Physics clasically has very little to do with breaking of things and more to do with the motion and energy of things. Meanwhile, Alchemy was all about trying to break down substances to make other substances - notoriously: gold. Um, alchemy doesn't exist in Ametris....says you and you alone. Physics is mentioned and then never explained.Physics is basic principal, it's understood; and anyway that's brought up LATER.
8. I think you should make marli more adult. ( heh sorry, hopefully you'll have explained why she was a teenager properly at this point.)No thank you. I like her the way she is. -shrug-
9. I still think YOU, the author, should ellaborate on the fact that they can read each others mind...Though that may just be prefference on my part.It's telepathy. it's a pretty simple theory, and I did explain it ppretty well....Notably there was no mechanism described for there to be a theory, but yes I see that now that you did, though I dont think you put enough emphasis on it.
10. If your gonna use the word hell make sure you introduce christianity some where in there. Linguistics are an important part of the otherworldly experience. Introducing an word without explaining it's origins is the same as introducing a character and their goal, and then never mentioning them again. They. Are. Not. christian. They don't even know who God is. Jeez. then don't use the word hell.Read a book--Christianity and hell are almost entirely unrelated. Egyptians, Grecians, Aztecs, and various other cultures also had hells.
11. ermm I still think that you should pace this a little faster if you want to keep the attention of youn readers. Just my opinion though.Sure, okay. yeah..scratch that....ermmmm I'll get into it in a moment.
and thats all the time I have : ( Ill finish up tomorrow.
[Im terribly busy at the moment and I probably shouldn't even be here.]
1. please indent X_X dialogue usually begins a new paragraph and it would do wonders for my eyes if you followed that rule. Sorry, sorry.... But I'm lazy.
2. I think you should begin with a little more description to add some consistancy to your style (the later chapters contain much more description than this one, which is a shame because description really is your strong point.)OKay.... 'Tis a thought.
3. I think there should be more transition between their wandering in the woods and the school, if not for looks and flow, then to allow your reader to become more aquinted with the setting. But it's a forest, just a forest. That's where the imagination comes in.... It's a suggestion in the context of description being your strongest point.
4. If Marli is a teenager I personally would have liked if you had told me that off the bat and then explained why she was the school teacher as well.Kamile doesn't know until later. We know when she does. Yeah I never really caught on to that theme especially since you broke off at points when she wasn't around.
5. try to elaborate more when you make a statement. For instance, the statement: "Marli was infamous for her never-ending lectures." could be coupled with an example of one lecture about some thing which lasted a dizzing length of time. she WAS lecturing....it sounds better if you add information to a statement, especially when the statement is about something not readilly known to the reader - such as statements concerning character traits.
6. The fact that Marli is a teenager clears up the briefness and simplicity of her explinations concerning history, but I still don't understand why she has to be a teenager, why they let her teach if she was a teenager, and what the point of her being a teenager is. That's explained later, if you'd read. Kayle recommended her because shes really smart. She's a teenager because she just is. was there any argument to her apointment there? How did she prove herself capable over an older scholar?Explained later. READ.
7. I think it might be better to replace physics with alchemy. Physics clasically has very little to do with breaking of things and more to do with the motion and energy of things. Meanwhile, Alchemy was all about trying to break down substances to make other substances - notoriously: gold. Um, alchemy doesn't exist in Ametris....says you and you alone. Physics is mentioned and then never explained.Physics is basic principal, it's understood; and anyway that's brought up LATER.
8. I think you should make marli more adult. ( heh sorry, hopefully you'll have explained why she was a teenager properly at this point.)No thank you. I like her the way she is. -shrug-
9. I still think YOU, the author, should ellaborate on the fact that they can read each others mind...Though that may just be prefference on my part.It's telepathy. it's a pretty simple theory, and I did explain it ppretty well....Notably there was no mechanism described for there to be a theory, but yes I see that now that you did, though I dont think you put enough emphasis on it.
10. If your gonna use the word hell make sure you introduce christianity some where in there. Linguistics are an important part of the otherworldly experience. Introducing an word without explaining it's origins is the same as introducing a character and their goal, and then never mentioning them again. They. Are. Not. christian. They don't even know who God is. Jeez. then don't use the word hell.Read a book--Christianity and hell are almost entirely unrelated. Egyptians, Grecians, Aztecs, and various other cultures also had hells.
11. ermm I still think that you should pace this a little faster if you want to keep the attention of youn readers. Just my opinion though.Sure, okay. yeah..scratch that....ermmmm I'll get into it in a moment.
and thats all the time I have : ( Ill finish up tomorrow.
[Im terribly busy at the moment and I probably shouldn't even be here.]
okay now for more: [ still opinions and comments, and only that.]
12a. To introduce the children you may want to introduce them as "Two children" instead of "the two children."
12b. To avoid confusion you may want to describe Marli as a predator and not a hunter as a hunter may be found to be synonimous to something which can track and thus pay careful attention to her path....What? Is that terribly important? She's not predator-like, she isn't trying to eat them. Hunter or trapper refers to the meaning I wanted.
13. Kamile's and Everan's placement in the schoolhouse and their actions there make them appear like everyday characters until you get to Kamile, and then the style transitions into focus on her and her perspective, without any proper transition (that is, you don't let the reader know that your going to switch perspectives.) You may want to begin at Kamile's perspective to keep your style consistant. I...do. I show her thoughts and feelings in the second part (the classroom.)
14. Disrespectful is not a difficult word to recall unless you have Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia (the fear of long words - humurously) The least you could do is make her mispronounce it.I know that word. Kamile has trouble with words in general; you can't judge what she should and shouldn't remember.
15. If Everan was smart in the terms of a school boy, he would correct Kamile by informing her that "taught" doesn't make it right, it just means that someone imparts knowledge to you. Everan is big on conformity, as we will learn later. He wants to be normal.
16. Is this really being told from Kamile's perspective? There are a few places where you inserted Narative speech. Third person, but from Kamile's view. It sort of fluctuates. You get more of the story that way.
17. If you want to gut your book some to make it more comprehensive for young readers, you can just have them decide to go to the library and describe the village from one of the higher levels of the tree.Abridge? Excuzes moi?
18. You shouldn't use "human like" before you introduce humans and human dwellings. I can though.
19. You should have elaborated on the speculation as to how the tree was hallowed out, which was probably a more relavant talking point among the villagers. Explained later.
20. Filter language is specific to a time period and the society, try to keep that in mind when you use your likes and uhs and other words of that nature. Ametrisans have similar words; you have a point though. Their um might be completely different...in fact, it is. :/ thank you very much.
21. You should make it clearer that Kayle knows that Everan is the one who usually takes out books and/or that Kamile is illiterate.he doesn't know she's illiterate, he just knows she hates books. And they're friends, it's quite clear that Everan's the one who reads them.
22. You should show character traits, not inform the reader in passing about them (You say that Everan shows no courtesy and never reveals information to anyone.)I plan to reveal that in his personality later--if you'd READ.
23. Where did they steal the dinners from? Dinners? They'd get them from all over the place.
24. You should work on a way to better explain, or imply, the workings of their society (it's diffictult to latch on to how it's structured. For instace, there is a teenager as a school teacher, a young man who reads and speaks in english, despite the fact that they are elfs, a random society who's means of sustenance are not explained, a great tree that no one questions, an authority whose' means of enforcement is unclear, a curious lack of adults, and other things I can't place my finger on...)Elves. And. Humans. Speak. The. Same. Language. How clear can I make that? And no one cares about Ametris, as you'll find. It's not important right now.
25. There's not much conflict, nor is there much hint of conflict in the first chapter.'Course not. They have a comparatively calm life at first.
26. The bit about Kamile never winning the arguments is superfluous.No it isn't. It's actually critical further into the series; it shows that Everan is the one in control.
27. If your not going to describe the inside of places, don't describe the outside.Um, did. If not now, later. Have patience.
28. I would lead away from the history lessons if I were you, as most of yours seem too simple to be of much use or of much enjoyment. Since it's from Kamile's perspective, you should just paraphrase, say it was boring to her, and then throw it in the river. Maybe I want to put them there. Maybe they're important to the story. MAYBE THEY HAVE ANOTHER PURPOSE IF YOU'D READ.
29. Nothing important happened in chapter 1. You said there was a festival, and that it was their birthday.Something important then.
30. Chapter 2 is more interesting but you go off into that historical tangent again. This makes the background to your book seem to simple. I would suggest leaving out the comments on the social workings here, and just elaborating on the horror the queen felt with respects to the event it's self.I have to put those there; there's no other place to explain that. It's crucial.
31. Its hard to focus in on the thing that you want the reader to make note of......
and........I give.
I can't spend my time checking this over anymore - I'm sorry.
I think you should rewrite the first two chapters so that the reader can see consistancy in your style and transitions, and so that you can add or fix any context involved in your story.
I also think you should pay more attention to your characters, and describe them and their actions more than you do the enviornment and any other objects.
Rewriting the first few chapters (perhaps completely) can also allow you to add points that correlate to later chapters so as to give your readers something to connect when they come across those things later on. These must be apparent things though, as mundane and sloppy comments made on passing by the narrator run the risk of being ignored.
lastly I think you should leave the history alone and describe the society around them. The history can come later when it seems relevant, for now it makes the background story to this world sound superfluous and cumbersome in it's context and also blunt in other contexts.
[Good luck. I'm sorry to say that I will not be reading the rest of this book. The first few chapters are your first impressions on the reader, and this first chapter says that it will be slow, and that conflict will either be simple or non existent.]
[If you rewrite the first few parts, and stun me in doing so, I will complete your book, until then I remain adamant that you need to extablish more firmly the beginning of your plot.][Just bare in mind your readers....please?][oh well ta ta.]
Nova, I don't like debating with you like this. There's no point to trying to convince you...especially since you refuse tyo read the whole story.
Bottom line: Aside from a few points that carry some value in my eyes, I don't especially care what your opinion of my book is, because it's MY book, and I wrote it for ME. If you don't want to read it, don't; I'm happy with it, and it's staying the way it is. To change a person's book, one must first change the person himself.
And I won't take any more criticism from you until you read the entire thing. I'm sorry, but this is getting ridiculous. You are too impatient, and half of this is explained just in the next chapter you'd read. You're missing out on a wonderful story, and I would feel bad if you weren't so harsh on my heartstory--that's the way it happened, and I can't change that.
Have fun with your time.
Kirbs, I only criticized you so vigorously because I thought you wanted to have a book to use as a stepping stone. That, however is obviously not the case, and my efforts here are yet another casualty of my overly passionate and energetic attitude which I too often adopt when trying to do something I think might be helpful.
I have learned though, and I am sorry for whatever I have made you put up with. I would appreciate it if you wore your intentions on your sleeves next time though. Then again, I suppose it was my fault for not noticing your indecision, or whatever it was that made you suggest that you wished to sell this book but really mean it to judt be a story, sooner. My apologies.
Heh your story is too long though, kirbs. There are too many other books, stories and texts of knowledge alike, awaiting my attention.
I will skim over the rest of this if you wish, and I will inform you when I am done, but I will not give my opinion - as you have requested. You should know though that it goes against my moral policy as an artist to do so.
I would like to take this chance again to state that all grievences I have had with the book are mine alone. I appologize again for wasting your time
