Cliffy B
I, like the rest of the world, love the Internet. It’s a miraculous tool really, a gateway to information; a way that people can get closer to one another. There are, however, a few things about the net that I’ll never understand.
The first thing is how the net has single-handedly devolved the English language over the last five years. First were the acronyms… OMG, BRB, LOL, etc… Then came h4x0r speak. And then… just random words that don’t make sense. I am, of course, talking about everyone’s favorite…
MUAH
Now, as far as I can tell this is a term that is strictly reserved for chicks… online. As far as I can tell I’ve never, ever heard anyone pronounce “Muah.” I’m not even sure how to say it… Moo-hah? Mmmm-WAH? The mind boggles.
All I know is that whenever a girl uses it on YOU – yes you, unsuspecting fella cruising Myspace for a** – odds are the girl in question probably wants to ******** you. I think “Muah” means “I have a v****a and I’m not afraid to hang it out there for you to peruse. Oh and check out this Pussycat Dolls video.”
Last year when I was in Amsterdam I was strolling through the red light district and, while I couldn’t quite hear what the hookers were saying in their little glass cages I could sort of read their lips… come to think of it I believe they were all repeatedly saying…
Well, you can figure out the rest.
The other aspect of the net that amazes me is how people think it’s the all seeing, all knowing oracle. It’s like Wikipedia.org … an online encyclopedia made by… a bunch of random people online. Because, you know, if enough people believe something AND it’s on the Internet than it MUST be true!
What was so shocking – and unsettling – was the AOL search logs that were released recently. For those of you that don’t know AOL leaked the results of what their users were looking for on that giant sinkhole called the net and the results were less than sane.
In one log we see a bored housewife looking for online friendship, fall in love with a random guy, debate with her family if she should go see this guy, book a hotel in Texas, and then, upon returning home look up “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.” (I’m shocked her internet “friend” didn’t turn out to be Prince Charming…)
In another log we find a man who wears his own semen as cologne and stores it in his own fridge. He wants to know if this is “normal.”
I won’t even bother to mention the *****, what surprised me the most was how many people saw the net as, well, God. I’m not a very religious man but one of the ten commandments I DO remember from CCD was “though shalt not worship false gods.” And that’s what the net has become for most of the world… an oracle, a false god that they prey to every night. Instead of a crucifix and candles they have a mouse and the glow of their screens as they search ever deeper into the abyss while their spouse sleeps in the next room, unaware of how far down their love has gone into the rabbit hole.
Thanks to AOL’s leak, the Abyss has had a chance to look back. An unflinching mirror pointed right back at humanity has collected the accumulated misery of millions and returned from the other side with a story to tell.
Shame, really, it had to be such a sad one…
The first thing is how the net has single-handedly devolved the English language over the last five years. First were the acronyms… OMG, BRB, LOL, etc… Then came h4x0r speak. And then… just random words that don’t make sense. I am, of course, talking about everyone’s favorite…
MUAH
Now, as far as I can tell this is a term that is strictly reserved for chicks… online. As far as I can tell I’ve never, ever heard anyone pronounce “Muah.” I’m not even sure how to say it… Moo-hah? Mmmm-WAH? The mind boggles.
All I know is that whenever a girl uses it on YOU – yes you, unsuspecting fella cruising Myspace for a** – odds are the girl in question probably wants to ******** you. I think “Muah” means “I have a v****a and I’m not afraid to hang it out there for you to peruse. Oh and check out this Pussycat Dolls video.”
Last year when I was in Amsterdam I was strolling through the red light district and, while I couldn’t quite hear what the hookers were saying in their little glass cages I could sort of read their lips… come to think of it I believe they were all repeatedly saying…
Well, you can figure out the rest.
The other aspect of the net that amazes me is how people think it’s the all seeing, all knowing oracle. It’s like Wikipedia.org … an online encyclopedia made by… a bunch of random people online. Because, you know, if enough people believe something AND it’s on the Internet than it MUST be true!
What was so shocking – and unsettling – was the AOL search logs that were released recently. For those of you that don’t know AOL leaked the results of what their users were looking for on that giant sinkhole called the net and the results were less than sane.
In one log we see a bored housewife looking for online friendship, fall in love with a random guy, debate with her family if she should go see this guy, book a hotel in Texas, and then, upon returning home look up “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.” (I’m shocked her internet “friend” didn’t turn out to be Prince Charming…)
In another log we find a man who wears his own semen as cologne and stores it in his own fridge. He wants to know if this is “normal.”
I won’t even bother to mention the *****, what surprised me the most was how many people saw the net as, well, God. I’m not a very religious man but one of the ten commandments I DO remember from CCD was “though shalt not worship false gods.” And that’s what the net has become for most of the world… an oracle, a false god that they prey to every night. Instead of a crucifix and candles they have a mouse and the glow of their screens as they search ever deeper into the abyss while their spouse sleeps in the next room, unaware of how far down their love has gone into the rabbit hole.
Thanks to AOL’s leak, the Abyss has had a chance to look back. An unflinching mirror pointed right back at humanity has collected the accumulated misery of millions and returned from the other side with a story to tell.
Shame, really, it had to be such a sad one…
What do you think of how the internet has impacted the world? Is this a reflection of the state of the world, or just a exaggeration?How does the net impacted you? Personally, it's kept me quite sane.
