serpenteyes
Okay. Like I said the one line where he said he is a failure and then explains why is very good. But the questions that are by themselves have to go. They take away from the one liner before that and are not significant enought to warrant a line all to themselves. The line where he talks about the bank and everybody knowing him is kind of boring. It's too lengthy, too long, and quite obvious. I would condense that a lot. Or I would combine it with his "double life" paragraph. But speaking of which, I don't really like the "double life" thing because it sounds kind of cliche. And I don't know that it is really a double life. I think just saying he studied in secret would suffice. "The city Atlantis" doesn't need its own line either. You really like putting stuff all alone don't you? The first one was excellent. But if you use it a lot it won't be as effective so I would combine it with the paragraph below it. And the free paragraph is also too wordy. You used free at least 5 times. And while being free is good, you have too much freedom. Well that's all I have for now. I will come back and critique your 1st chapter if you want. Sorry, I was kind of mean sometimes. But I'm only mean because I care and want to help you out. But it is good and I do like it. So keep writing and have a pleasant day. Oh no... you weren't mean at all. ^_^ In fact, you were very helpful. My writing style seems to change as much as I change my socks (And that's daily). So having you tell me these things make it all the more easier for me to make my writing style stay one way for one story... If that makes sense...
sweatdrop I'm actuly quite pleased with the Prologue, but I know that's nothing is ever perfect, and what you've said about it shows me that I was right. So I'll reread over what yopu have written as soon as I can, and start to fix it up. And please, feel free to help me out with Chapter one... it's driving me mad!
P.S: Sorry if I took so long to reply... I'm without the net at home, so I have to use the computers at school... and please forgive my bad spelling... and don't worry about the dubbel post... it happens to all of us once in awhile. ^_^
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