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Wow, I have no motivation to do much either.. I do the dishes when I have to.. I keep Kerstin clothed, diapered, fed and I play with her.. but all I want to do is lay around all day and sit online on my laptop all day.. I don't want to do much physically. It frustrates my husband a lot, because there is a lot that NEEDS to be done around her.. but I feel like I have so much on my plate.. and I cannot seem to figure out how to start on the things we need to do.

We have decided not to see a doctor because, A: I don't feel that meds are safe for me and my baby; and B: I don't want someone else trying to tell me that I need to adjust my attitude or feel good about what happened (my baby's birth was... a nightmare)..

I don't take it out on my child, though.. I don't even feel resentful of her.. I have no trouble recognising her. I just hurt when I think of those first few days of her life that I lost because I could hardly move, and for the first couple days post-partum, the doctors and nurses would not leave me alone, even to sleep.. (the only time I could be sure they'd leave without bothering me if they came in was when Kerstin was nursing.) I was lucky in that regard, the hospital was VERY supportive of breastfeeding..
But, I couldn't hold my baby, I couldn't change her diapers.. I remember laying in the bed whilst my husband was out having a cigarette and calling our roommate on the cellphone, and I was laying there and Kerstin started crying. I couldn't do anything. I tried to talk to her from across the room, but I couldn't get up out of bed to check on her, to soothe her or anything.. I ended up bawling and bawling along with her until my husband came back and took care of her (and then brought her to me to nurse). I felt so helpless. I felt like the worst mother in the world.. Here I was, and I couldn't even take care of my baby when she needed me. I felt like a completely failure. The birth had not gone ANYTHING like I'd imagined.

At some point in the hospital, I told him that I wasn't sure I was bonded to her because I just couldn't be with her.. even nursing, she'd lay on a noodle-shaped nursing pillow next to me, though she'd lay on my arm against my side, but that was all.. He helped me to a chair, sat me down in it, gave me a foot-rest so that I was sitting in the 'L' style and had a good lap, sat the noodle pillow on my lap and then sat my baby on it and in my arms.
I remember being touched by this.. and I remember at some point just bawling and bawling, tears falling onto her tummy (she was fully clothed and had a sleepsack).

My stomach and back still hurt to this day, and my uterus also seems to ache.. If I had known when I went in what I know now, I would not have gone in.
(I am not sure if I would have given birth that day or not, even though I was labouring quite well when I went to the hospital.) I would have probably insisted on going to a birth-center, even though we hadn't toured one. Or maybe I'd have stayed home, I don't know..

I'm still ashamed that I couldn't take care of my baby. I still feel so defective, just that now I have all the aches and pains to support my emotional feeling.

Anyway, since I know PPD can be a problem, I try to keep it in touch. I try to accept my feelings and face them.. and try to keep taking each day one at a time..
I also feel that when you feel this crappy, something's not right. I am pretty sure that some day, I will feel better, in general, again... but I also know that this pain is mine for life.