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 Posted: Wed Sep 02, 2015 4:47 pm
9/2/2015
So i generally try and only post here when i need to vent or feel somethings happened that if i don't put to "ink" so to speak will build and stress me out later. Today, is one such event. Not sure how, or why it get started but now the house is in chaos over ******** gender rolls and sexuality's. It started out when i found out someone doesn't like me because im a stay at home father. There personal opinion is because i have a d**k i should be working and because im not im not putting forth an effort to better MY life. When at the same time praising me for being able to deal with four kids daily ? Ummm WTF !?
I ask for a little ******** side work, get blown off because i don't actively seek to better myself ? b***h WTF DID I JUST TRY AND DO BUT BETTER MYSELF !? Iv been out of work for almost 3 years due to a work injury first. I can't stand for more then 3 god damn hours without being in pain and NO ONE WOULD HELP ME ! Now your going to publicly slam me because i have a d**k and haven't filled your preconceived gender role ?
History lesson
2012 i was hit by my boss driving a forklift and not watching where he was going.
Isuffered for a year and a half in constant never ending pain because even the hospital wouldn't see me !
I had to get OSA involved simply to be taken seriously !
Still nothing was done, and no lawyer would take my cause so now there is NOTHING i can do but suffer for the rest of my life in constant leg and back pain.
Because i couldn't stand or walk and by god i couldn't left more then 10 pounds i wasn't able to work but i couldn't get unemployment ether. so my wife toke up the mantle of lead provider.
Some morning i have to stretch before i can even bend over or walk.
My legs randomly goes under me with no warning or reason.
I try and walk a mile at least 5 times a week but the more i walk the worse it feels and some nights i can't stand anymore.
Im 26, and my life has been ruined by pain and no one but my wife will take me seriously ...
BUT because i was born with a god damn d**k its my fault
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Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2015 11:04 am
9/21/2015
Maybe its just me but this last week as been so bad that iv found myself being less and less verbal towards others and with very little to no ability to care about whats going ob around me. To start the week off me and my wife got into an argument in which she hit me in the head with a soda bottle. I lashed out and kicked her without realizing what i was doing until after the fact.
We later made up and forgave each other but before then we pretty much got into it even worse. I was pissed she hit me she was pissed i hit back ... anyways she leave to go relax and end the fight leaving me behind with our room mates. Im pissed off at the world and to vent i punched an old tire. This then prompted one of the roommates to confront me. I told them to piss off and leave me along so i can calm down and she punch's me in the face ....
NOW the real fun begins. We get into a full blown fist fight. I end up saying ******** it and start to walk away so she throws my dairy and poem book off the porch and ruins them both. I black the ******** out and tackle her through a door. She down im done i get my s**t and leave.
I later come back to find out shes taken all my stuff and thrown it into the yard ... the cops get involved and almost arrest everyone. Wife works them out of it due to the kids and our family drama BS.
Well the next day our roommates are packing to leave. They broke our lease, cut off our water and stole out stuff not that we care. So now we're stuck making up ground to compensate for the bills and s**t while they go off the live with mother dearest.
We've had to title pawn our car just to pay the bills so that we can move into a smaller and cheaper trailer all the while dealing with their bullshit over everything. They owe close to 300$ in back rent and power that we simply can't make up ether.
Fuck them both ...
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Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2015 4:42 pm
10/25/2015
Of late i feel as if iv been constricted and limited on the very aspect of who im allowed to be. While some support my desire for personal change the person whom matters the absolute most to me can no longer hide her true feelings on the matter and has driven me to not want to push for the changes i want.
I finally felt secure enough in myself and those i called friends and family to admit it and seek some personal comfort in myself through what i hoped would be a learning experience only to have it turned on me. Turned from a subject of growth to something akin to shame and regret. I regret ever coming clean or admitting even to myself i had this side of me. Its only caused my pain and anguish.
Im unsure what to do now. I want to press forward and seek my personal change and happiness but in doing so will unleash only misery and hellish misfortune within my marriage. Im trapped at an impasse.
Seek my personal level of comfort within who i am and risk losing my wife the only personal who's ever put forth the effort to save me from my self or repress myself once more and ignore this side of me and live in internal personal confinement ....
Ill need to make a choice sooner or later but i fear the longer i take the worst things will become. In the end i i can't see myself pressing this any further if it means i lose my family ...
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