Wading in the waters of romance is tricky for anybody, but as a trans* person, it's twice or more harder.
I'd like to see a discussion on this topic, more in depth than our out and about one.
Feel free to give advice, etc.
Posted: Sun May 03, 2015 7:05 pm
This is an interesting topic to tackle. For me, I dated a trans-man online for two years who is still a very good friend of mine. I ended it because I was in the thick of college and unable to tend to someone as intimately as he wanted. Nothing bad on him, just we were miles away from one another and when it comes to relationships I've since realized I"m more distant than most people would want, being aromatic.
I'm thankful to be in a very relaxed queer-platonic relationship with my best friend and one of my roommates. Both of us are very chill with one anothers needs and it's very 'whatever', which is comforting because after my last relationship I felt like something might be wrong with me or I was broken. At the time I already knew I wasn't interested in sex because I'm pretty sex-repulsed in the asexual spectrum but at the time I had no idea what aromanticism was and I thought I was just unable to be emotionally available in a relationship. Turns out thats not the case I just have very different needs and ways of expressing myself.
I'm kinda just rambling on, ahaha, but that's my experience. So far it's ended happily for me, and I'm glad I was able to find out more about what I'm able to bring to the table in a relationship and what my own needs are, etc. I also got lucky, as I have lots of IRL trans/queer friends from college.
That's my contribution! If anyone has any questions or w/e or wants some kind of advice I'll do my best to help.
My experiences dating as a trans man have been hard. To sum it up:
Dated a cisgender lesbian named Ioana from Romania. We were together for 3 months and she was the first person I came out to in terms of dating. She was okay with it and was the one who confronted me about being transgender. I ended up caving and telling her how I felt. However, turns out she was dating someone behind my back throughout the whole relationship and wanted us to still be friends afterwards.
Tried some random flings, but they failed.
Dated a supposed transgender woman named Jordan, aka Cecilia from Houston. Not only did I help them come out, but they were treating me well...or so I thought. This rant explains things. *NSFW in some parts*
After dumping them, I found myself in the arms of De. They identified as trans female and had even gone through reparative therapy as a teenager. Things went well until last year when it got rather emotionally/verbally abusive. I was berated for not being social, etc. I dumped them last August, but not without a price.
They called me out on Facebook and addressed me in female terms, not male terms. Told people to address me as a girl as well.
I've been single ever since and honestly, part of me wants to jump back into the dating scene, but at the same time, I don't know what to do. I don't want to be perceived as a fetish or abused. I just want to be loved.
Posted: Mon May 04, 2015 12:16 am
Sifen Yamishi
Oh jeez, you've sure been through a lot. I'm really sorry you've had such experiences. I personally feel the best advice I can give is to do your best to be patient for now. I do hope in the future you can find happiness with someone who will treat you well for who you are. Hang in there.
I dated one person for a few months toward the end of 2014/early 2015. They knew pretty much everything about me, but it ended up not working out for other reasons.
I do think that dating is a lot more difficult, especially since there are a lot of people out there that may be attracted to your body but not able to fully comprehend
Anyone that I have expressed interest in (three people) has known ahead of time that I identify as male. Even if that is the one thing deterring them from a relationship (which, I do not think it was in this case), that is definitely something that is important not to hide. I have heard of people waiting until the other person shows mutual interest to divulge that part of themselves, and that is not fair to the other person.
Posted: Sun May 17, 2015 8:46 pm
Uwah I find it too hard to date. I think there is a lot of difficulties when it comes dating in general but more so when you're not cisgender or sexual. I had someone say they couldn't be with me because I "couldn't give them what they wanted" aka sex. Ahah. Ah well! It's not too bad being single ;u; I also wish everyone luck in their romantic endeavors ^u^
Being fourteen and socially inept, I haven't been in many relationships. xD The relationship I'm in right now is with another transmale who is currently taking testosterone. However, it's a long-distance relationship and neither of my parents know (whoops). I feel like being in a relationship with someone slightly similar to yourself could help you feel much more comfortable, as it makes my boyfriend and I feel much more happy and we're both able to act like ourselves. It's nice to be with a person who understands how you feel. I don't know, I'm not much of a person for advice when it comes to relationships and things. I figured I'd just give a slight inside to my perspective/experience of trans relationships. ono'
Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 8:51 am
CyanideGyre
Uwah I find it too hard to date. I think there is a lot of difficulties when it comes dating in general but more so when you're not cisgender or sexual. I had someone say they couldn't be with me because I "couldn't give them what they wanted" aka sex. Ahah. Ah well! It's not too bad being single ;u; I also wish everyone luck in their romantic endeavors ^u^
Ahh, that's a really unfortunately response. Rude, but at least it let you know right off the bat what was wanted, if nothing else. :/ Glad you're full of optimism though! And I wish you luck as well, in happiness no matter what your status is.
Being fourteen and socially inept, I haven't been in many relationships. xD The relationship I'm in right now is with another transmale who is currently taking testosterone. However, it's a long-distance relationship and neither of my parents know (whoops). I feel like being in a relationship with someone slightly similar to yourself could help you feel much more comfortable, as it makes my boyfriend and I feel much more happy and we're both able to act like ourselves. It's nice to be with a person who understands how you feel. I don't know, I'm not much of a person for advice when it comes to relationships and things. I figured I'd just give a slight inside to my perspective/experience of trans relationships. ono'
That's okay! This kind of response is what this topic is for. (: And I wish both of you good luck!
Posted: Mon May 18, 2015 8:59 am
sigishooter
ll d e s p a i r ll
Being fourteen and socially inept, I haven't been in many relationships. xD The relationship I'm in right now is with another transmale who is currently taking testosterone. However, it's a long-distance relationship and neither of my parents know (whoops). I feel like being in a relationship with someone slightly similar to yourself could help you feel much more comfortable, as it makes my boyfriend and I feel much more happy and we're both able to act like ourselves. It's nice to be with a person who understands how you feel. I don't know, I'm not much of a person for advice when it comes to relationships and things. I figured I'd just give a slight inside to my perspective/experience of trans relationships. ono'
That's okay! This kind of response is what this topic is for. (: And I wish both of you good luck!
So my experiences dating have been... rocky to say the least.
First relationship I had before I was outed as trans was pretty good, and we're still good friends. Only broke it off because both of us just lost touch.
Second relationship, I was out as trans and they were questioning nonbinary. However, I really don't like considering this one a relationship, as it was more the two of us clinging to each other in frantic need for some reassurance that people want us around. We don't really talk anymore, but we're friendly when things are brought up.
The relationship after that was an absolute nightmare. Another nonbinary person, this time. First off, they manipulated me into the relationship with an age difference of 5 years, and I was a minor. Then, they were super sweet to me, told me they loved me all the time, talked to me constantly. But once I was attached to them, they turned into a f***ing hellspawn. Accused me of cheating on them, yelled at me any time I asked a question or they caught me talking to someone else. They made me throw away a friendship because they were jealous. I had to calm them down from one of their tantrums while I WAS HAVING A PANIC ATTACK??? I'm honestly thankful it was long distance because they definitely would have hit me if it were irl.
Posted: Tue May 19, 2015 7:37 pm
So... Here's a list of my major experiences:
I'm attracted to both genders, although all of my dating experiences have been with males. My first bona fide dating experience sparked and fizzled out pretty quickly, because, although he was the one who initiated contact, I didn't take take the time to get to know him better and was distracted by a massive crush at the time. He ended up dating another person, a girl, and they're now happily married.
My second experience happened during a desperate period in my life. The crush had ended up turning into a sour catfight that my innocent, homeschooled mind was unprepared for and I was left on the wayside by a guy who had promised in high school that he would always have my back. I felt ugly, unwanted, insane, dumb and confused. I kept trying my best to be the girl that everyone expected me to be, following the assumption that because I was attracted to males, I must be heterosexual and cisgender.
The person I dated next contacted me online via a dating website and we seemed to get along, I thought, rather well, although he was a bit of a d**k and I was far too awkward and desperate in retrospect. He was sexually obsessed while I was uninformed, skeptical and in denial of my own gender and sexuality. I tried hard to be a proper girl, a Jew, a cutie, a nerd, an anime fan, and everything else I thought he would like, and I failed. I think he suspected far before I did that something wasn't right with me, hence his constant questioning: "Are you a trap?" "Are you sure you're not a lesbian?" and so on. In the end, our relationship vanished like a puff of smoke when he stopped talking to me on a whim and, although he recently messaged me on Facebook, I don't consider us on speaking terms any longer.
My third relationship before I was out kind of happened like a crazy trainwreck. The guy was fit, hot, attractive, all that stuff, and he seemed to be very charismatic and interested in me. Things moved along way too fast for me to keep up, and before I knew it, we were texting all the time, hanging out whenever we had the chance, and I was visiting his house every other day to help him practice for Speech. We were cuddling, gaming, watching movies together, and he even tried to make out one time -- that didn't end awkwardly at all. However, as I started spending more time with him, he began critiquing me, constantly reminding me how out-of-shape I was, pointing out all my flaws, criticizing my hair color and style, complaining that I never wore female or girly clothing, accusing me of being a wannabe Asian, etc. In the end, on the day I was going to introduce him to the soda fountain in the old part of my hometown, he took me out to his car on campus, listed off all the things he didn't like about me, and ended by saying that the only cute thing about me was my nose, and that was because it was "so Jewish". I tried to make the date we had planned into a group hang-out in an effort to salvage the last bit of self-image I had left, but he left me at the fountain high and dry without a ride or any kind of warning that I would need one. I had to bum a ride off of one of the other people. I think that was the worst experience I've had in a relationship. The guy was also one of the only people I've ever long-term X-ed.
After that, I began a flirtationship with a female friend of mine. Unfortunately, she stalwartly claimed she wasn't a lesbian despite her approaches and I wasn't out yet, so it never really went anywhere.
My fourth relationship, much like the first one, sparked and fizzled out pretty quickly, but for different reasons. I was out as genderfluid by that point. He was an Irish piper I met in the pub and we got along great. He was a gaming troll and I was an avid PC gamer; he was a musician and I was a music fanatic; everything seemed to be great. However, he didn't quite grasp my situation and neither did I. I didn't realize that I was much more FtM than genderfluid and he didn't know that I was having these tribulations. His expectations for me were also far different from who and what I actually was. In the end, I shut it down and told him that we would have to be nothing more than friends for a few years and then see. He hasn't talked to me since.
My latest relationship was with an awesome gaming buddy of mine and was the most basic and honest. I, once again, wanted to make someone else happy rather than be genuinely myself, so when he told me his feelings and asked if I would be interested in dating, I said that I'd give it a try. However, I warned him that I was going through some weird s**t in my life and that there may be some surprises down the road. In the end, there were surprises -- me admitting to myself that I was transgender -- and I told him the truth and ended the relationship. However, we are still friends to this day and play games together on occasion.
In the end, what I've learned from my experience is that you must look out for yourself. Don't focus on making other people happy and be honest about who you really are. Don't put all your hopes and dreams in one person and remain skeptical; you never know who you can really trust and whose affections are really genuine. The utmost thing to keep in mind is that people change and that's okay. Sometimes relationships don't work out. That's also okay. Kisses don't seal anything but envelopes. Assume nothing and always, always, always ask questions if you're uncertain how to proceed. If they love you, they'll understand. As long as you handle the situation honestly and maturely, there is no need for heartbreak, there is no need for sour words and bad endings, and just because you don't fall in love doesn't mean you can't be long-term acquaintances or even best friends. Approach relationships on a "we'll see" basis and, more often than not, things will turn out suitably alright. There's always hope, and when there isn't any, quickly X them before they turn you into something you hate.
That goes for all relationships. As one of my idols stated, it shouldn't matter or make a difference how you identify. Love is love, and if a person is male or female, they're male or female. There shouldn't have to be a social distinction between transman and man, or transwoman and woman. To make such a distinction is to support the idea that transgender people aren't properly-gendered people. Our gender is legit, and the more of us come to terms with that and set out considering ourselves real men, women and Human beings, the more of us can begin living our lives in a straight line and having happy, honest, straightforward and fulfilling relationships.
Then again, I'm only twenty-two, so what do I know? sweatdrop
In the end, what I've learned from my experience is that you must look out for yourself. Don't focus on making other people happy and be honest about who you really are. Don't put all your hopes and dreams in one person and remain skeptical; you never know who you can really trust and whose affections are really genuine. The utmost thing to keep in mind is that people change and that's okay. Sometimes relationships don't work out. That's also okay. Kisses don't seal anything but envelopes. Assume nothing and always, always, always ask questions if you're uncertain how to proceed. If they love you, they'll understand. As long as you handle the situation honestly and maturely, there is no need for heartbreak, there is no need for sour words and bad endings, and just because you don't fall in love doesn't mean you can't be long-term acquaintances or even best friends. Approach relationships on a "we'll see" basis and, more often than not, things will turn out suitably alright. There's always hope, and when there isn't any, quickly X them before they turn you into something you hate.
That goes for all relationships. As one of my idols stated, it shouldn't matter or make a difference how you identify. Love is love, and if a person is male or female, they're male or female. There shouldn't have to be a social distinction between transman and man, or transwoman and woman. To make such a distinction is to support the idea that transgender people aren't properly-gendered people. Our gender is legit, and the more of us come to terms with that and set out considering ourselves real men, women and Human beings, the more of us can begin living our lives in a straight line and having happy, honest, straightforward and fulfilling relationships.
Then again, I'm only twenty-two, so what do I know? sweatdrop
-awkwardly steps off of soapbox-
I'd say you know quite a bit! That's some good advice, and thank you for sharing.
Posted: Tue May 26, 2015 5:55 pm
Dating has always been an awkward thing that I don't anybody can understand fully. Science can't even explain it fully, same with religion. But nobody wants to be alone, plain and simple and that is why I think people date and then get married. I was always considered a "tomboy" growing up so I thought of boys as friends and people to go to hang out. But as I got older, people move and humans hit puberty. More girls who I had shared interests with became friends with me and less males were as close. In high school I was introduced to the LGBT group, a close friend came out as a lesbian. Dating was always foreign and I never tried other than having crushes on the occasional male or female. I was a junior and my girl friend talked me into going to prom with a boy who she said had a crush on me. We dated and are still together. We each discovered our quirks and I think he is trans* but doesn't want to associate like I do. I came out to him being gender fluid and he didn't seem to care. He seems to almost be the same, we each want to experiment with different gender roles and practices. I am glad that my first shot ended up being successful.
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