Welcome to Gaia! ::

I've been too tired and busy to post until now, and Gaia generally doesn't work reliably for me, but anyway..

Our little girl (yes! I was right, she's a girl! We had chosen to be surprised rather than find out the gender, but I always felt like it was a girl) was born March 1st, 2006 at 4:12pm via (highly unwanted) emergency c-section (the short story is that she didn't turn, she stayed breech). She weighed 8.81 lbs and was just over 20 inches long. I was 40 weeks and 5 days along.
Her name is Kerstin Marie Elisabeth!

My husband and I are still struggling with everything that happened.. the c-section was a horrible experience for both of us, and the days of recovery in the hospital were extremely stressful for us both as well. (We stayed in the hospital for 6 days.) My husband had stayed with me (paid for the room) so that he could take care of the baby and I, and so that I wouldn't be alone.

I'm really grateful to him because had he not been there I would not have been capable of doing much with my baby.. she'd have had to be in the care of the nurses, instead of staying in the room with us (the hospital was really good in this regard.. they didn't interfere with my desire to breastfeed, and were actually explicitly supportive of breastfeeding and tried to be helpful, even if it simply meant leaving us alone whilst she nursed, and things were set up SO the baby could stay in the room with us -they had all the stuff the baby needed there, a bed with wheels, clothing, a changing table, diapers, changing stuff, fancy noodle-type pillows for breastfeeding or just keeping the baby safely on the bed with you, and etc..)
And, I know that I'd be a lot worse off emotionally.. for me, it was really hard. I hated some of the nurses. I was not able to sleep for two nights and for those first three days, they were constantly harassing me. We tried to negotiate some sleeping time for me before walking, for example, and all we managed to get was 30 minutes for me to lay back and rest (otherwise, they were constantly coming in and harassing me with this or that).. I couldn't even nod off a little bit. I did finally manage to sleep the second night I was there.
I didn't sleep the night before I went into labour.. as I started getting real contractions in the middle of the night.. then we timed them all morning and went to the hospital.. then I couldn't sleep that first night in the hospital even though I was tired.. I was kept alert by every sound my baby made, then the nurses started coming in early in the morning and forced me to walk sometime around noon... yes, walking after a c-section is a very good and important thing, but when you're emotionally messed up and exhausted, walking -and bleeding all over- is a horrible thing.. but I'm sure plenty of people on here have had c-sections and know what it's like.. there is one thing they may not know, though: I had to ASK for painkillers.. and after one dose, they were really reluctant to give me any more later because I was breastfeeding.. they gave me something through the IV right after I fed her, then later they gave me some kind of pill, but it didn't do any good.. so after the first day, I pretty much went without painkillers.. most of my pain, though, wasn't from the cut, but rather from the gas that was collecting inside me from the c-section and organs moving around as my uterus contracted.. Oh, and I got painkillers before walking.. that was another reason they wanted to rush me into walking.. the painkillers didn't, IMO, help, though.

Even after walking, I was pretty much immobile for like 4 days.. I did have to get up -with Rofu's help- to go to the bathroom after they removed the catheter (and he cleaned me like the nurses had shown him).. I relied on him almost completely for a while.. I couldn't sit up on my own (bed didn't have rails, though it did have the electric legs and head lifting thing).. Oh, after the c-section when they gave us our first meal, Rofu was so worried about me that he fed me (he said I sounded extremely weak after c-section and it had really scared him). I'd not have been able to feed myself that soon, but was able to eat with him feeding me.

Rofu also had to take care of our baby too. He learned to change her diapers right away, because he didn't want to rely on the nurses (some of them turned out to be horrible at it), and we'd need to do it anyway when we got her home, so it was best to learn now (and he taught me later). Also, she had to be handled carefully, had a few specific needs, because when she came out they saw that her little femininity was really swollen (I assume it might have been pressed against my pubic bone or hip or something for a few weeks or so before her birth - I still cry about that.. because I didn't mean to hurt her).. so, that area had to be handled extremely gently and I think he had to put something on it to help soothe it. (She's better now, though, it wasn't anything that did lasting damage, it was just the outer area that had been hurt.)
He's been a very protective father and husband. ^.^
But, he takes on a lot of guilt over the c-section, in particular.. (before we agreed to the c-section, the doctor made sure to give us a good guilt-trip.. in retrospect, I think she was full of BS, but whatever.. it's too late now.. what's done is done.)

Regarding why I think I have PPD, I'll just be honest and admit that I've had some suicidal feelings, last night was the worst; and that I am really scared (I feel broken/wounded and vulnerable); feel inadequate as a wife and mother (I feel broken); and so on.. (my husband and I are working on these feelings, though.) I am seeking help.. don't worry.. Besides, I know my husband and daughter need me.


Anyway, back to the good news: My precious, wonderful little girl is healthy, active, and breastfeeding has been NO problem for us (except that I'm exhausted!)
Aside from the trauma that we're struggling with, it's been good. And she is so incredibly beautiful, I can't believe it!
She gets along with her Paternal grandparents too, or seems to. They are both crazy about her! (She hasn't met my family yet, but I've talked to them on the phone, telling them about her and her birth.)
OH! And our dog is great with her (he's a small terrier mix, something like a rat terrier and something else). I'm quite watchful of them, but I can generally trust him (just have been teaching him where the limits are and he's been doing well - looking at her, being near her, sniffing her is all okay.. licking her face is not okay). He actually seems crazy about her, which is a relief because I was afraid he'd be jealous (he was our only child for almost a year, afterall!)

During my pregnancy, I was always kind of afraid that when she came out, something would be wrong with her, but, as said, she's healthy, bright-eyed, active and alert (when awake, anyway)! And she has a good set of lungs (she had a good, strong cry right after she was born, actually.)

Congratulations!
*hugs*

How exciting! A little girl! heart
I'm sorry to hear about your experience with the nurses and the emergency c-section. I'm glad that Rofu was able to stay with you. That's how it was for me when I had my first little one (I don't think Hubby'll be able to stay with me this time though--with a litte one at home and a different job than last time...)

It's very hard to bring home a brand new baby. To be perfectly honest I'm more afraid of a brand new baby than I am labor this time around.
Because I've acutally had issues with depression off and on for years (family/genetic tendancy), I talked with my OB about it before I even had my daughter and she said that there are depression medicines that I could take while breastfeeding. She also told me that it's better to be on medicine (even while breastfeeding) than to be depressed because that can have negative effects on the baby too. Just something you may want to look into.

I'm glad to hear that you're not having trouble with breastfeeding. And that things are going well with the dog!

Congratulations and welcome home to you and your sweet girl! I'm sorry birth was such a traumatic experience. It's funny, as many nice nurses as I know, I'm forever hearing about nightmare ones. I hope you're doing alright yourself - this is an incredibly big thing, and it's important to have lots of love and support when things don't go the way you planned, and especially with the hormone roller-coaster afterward. Rofu sounds like he's doing a top-notch job. You have yourself a very dedicated husband and father. Tell him congratulations for me as well.

And give little Kerstin a great big kiss for me!