Anyway, let's start from the beginning:
First thing, I am a Christian who was born male. Ever since I was young (early elementary I think), I didn't know what to do with my gender title. All I knew was what I liked. And what I liked was whenever me and my siblings would play dress up, I would sometimes put on one of the play dresses and spin around in it. I used to love doing that. We even had a wig that we used to take turns wearing, though it was really old and not very well taken care of. We were kids after all.lol Anyway, whenever my mom found out that I was doing that, she quickly put a stop to it. She would always say that boy were not allowed to wear girl's clothes. I had asked her why one time and all she would say was "Because it's what the Bible says." Back then I didn't want to upset my mom, so I stopped wearing the dresses. Eventually we stopped playing dress up and we got rid of them all.
Because of those times, however, I had started to think that I wasn't supposed to be near female clothing. For the longest time I truly believed that if I even grazed a blouse that it would somehow attach itself onto me and I would be wearing it the rest of the day (I had, and still have, a VERY wild imagination). That fear stuck with me until I was about 6th or 7th grade and finally realized that THAT was not the case. That's also the point when I started to sneak around and try my mom's and sister's clothes on when they weren't around.
From this point till now, I had tried my hardest to figure out what was happening to me. By this point I was saved and I knew that what my mom said about guys not wearing girl's clothes and vise versa really was in the Bible. I was, however, confused on whether or not it was important since the schools that I went to had Womenless Beauty Reviews (Guys dressing up as females and strutting their stuff like a real beauty pageant). My mother kept on saying that it was wrong to participate in, even going to the point to where she forbid me to even go see one, so I tried my hardest to ignore the feelings I was having. However, they soon started to seep into my dreams. I started dreaming about being caught in female clothing and no one really caring. I dreamed that I had a spell cast on me to prevent people from seeing me as anything but a girl. I even had a dream once that I had made a deal with a demon in order to be able to hide in plain site and to make everyone think I was a girl with pink hair (though I think that one was me watching too much anime late at night).
Because of those times, however, I had started to think that I wasn't supposed to be near female clothing. For the longest time I truly believed that if I even grazed a blouse that it would somehow attach itself onto me and I would be wearing it the rest of the day (I had, and still have, a VERY wild imagination). That fear stuck with me until I was about 6th or 7th grade and finally realized that THAT was not the case. That's also the point when I started to sneak around and try my mom's and sister's clothes on when they weren't around.
From this point till now, I had tried my hardest to figure out what was happening to me. By this point I was saved and I knew that what my mom said about guys not wearing girl's clothes and vise versa really was in the Bible. I was, however, confused on whether or not it was important since the schools that I went to had Womenless Beauty Reviews (Guys dressing up as females and strutting their stuff like a real beauty pageant). My mother kept on saying that it was wrong to participate in, even going to the point to where she forbid me to even go see one, so I tried my hardest to ignore the feelings I was having. However, they soon started to seep into my dreams. I started dreaming about being caught in female clothing and no one really caring. I dreamed that I had a spell cast on me to prevent people from seeing me as anything but a girl. I even had a dream once that I had made a deal with a demon in order to be able to hide in plain site and to make everyone think I was a girl with pink hair (though I think that one was me watching too much anime late at night).
Anyway, to make a long story short, after looking into my life, I believe I am a MTF Transgender, but my emotions keep on colliding with each other. Part of me knows that what I am doing is not what a quote/unquote "True Believer" of Chris should feel, but the other part of me finds joy in being able to feel the long hair against my face and the feel of the dresses and skirts and other female clothing. I even like getting dolled up even though I haven't had much experience with that. I just want to know what I should do. Should I go with what I know to be what a Christian should be like, or do I go with what my heart feels and tells me. I am just so confused and I can't take not knowing anymore. I just want some clarity in this enormous fog that is my life.
