xxxxx『 Ⓥ The Night Before 』xxxxxxxxxV What ┊
It's the night before her new school day begins.I don’t want to go to sleep. I hate sleep. I hate dreams. They are completely useless, awful, and unnecessary. I used to have nice dreams, I think, even amazing ones from time to time. I used to fly. I used to be a superhero. Whenever I would close my eyes I would be in this magic place. I think. I'm not sure that ever happened.
That doesn’t happen anymore, if it did. It's become a daydreamed memory. My dreams are sour and I hold no love for them. I dream only of the worst things now. I am tired of them. I am tired of the insomnia that prevents sleep even when I do want it. I am tired of the fear. I just want to go through my life without my eyes twitching from exertion. I want to be free.
But that isn’t going to happen tonight. And it won’t happen tomorrow. All I can do is tire myself out to such an extreme that I sleep like a rock. It doesn’t always work, but it’s my only hope.She closed her diary with a decisive snap. The heavy cover of it was etched in swirls and flowers that her fingers instinctively traced. Sometimes writing made her feel better: the journal held many accounts of nightmares. Nightmares, complaints, unhappiness. Katya was a little embarrassed by how whiny her journal was, but it was for her and her alone. It was almost time for a new one, a new start with a new school. She found little to be really, enthusiastically happy about anymore, but the idea of starting.... Well, the thought of school tomorrow pushed on her brain uncomfortably, the excitement was there, but it was tempered by a heavy sense of dread. A mid-semester transfer... who could barely function around people and barely stay awake in class. Great. Sighing gently, she slid the journal into a drawer. Katya shrugged on a warm coat. It was time for another nighttime ramble. She swung down out of her window and onto the lawn, frost crackling under her shoes.
The remnant of nightmare shivered along her bones as she walked. Suddenly, Katya broke into a run, shoes pounding against the path. The thud of exertion tired her, made her feel like she was running from her dreams. The path she followed curved and twisted through trees; streetlamps littered the spaces between shadows. This place was all mist and frost and darkness, the early morning embodiment of solitude. Katya shivered as chill wind had snaked through her tangled hair, and left to hold court with trees above. It was a night of reflection, a chilly reminder to not hope so hard. She had been so stupid, thinking that maybe, this night of all nights, would have been different. Her feet slowed and, shaking her head, she pulled out her cellphone, the flare of light from the screen hurting her eyes. No new messages. Though really, there was no one to text her. It was 3am and in a mere five hours, her first day of actual, real, with-other-girls school would begin. Sh had hoped, in vain, (like all hope was in the end) that this night would have held a sleep free from that place... She pinched the back of her hand, hard.
In the daytime, this park was full of Sunday fathers, and laughter skittered across the daylight like drifting clouds. It didn't hold a candle to Teufel Regional Park, but was small and useful in it's own way. Less for looking, more for playing. And now, with the stars hidden... this place belonged to her. Some nights Katya ran, swinging from tree to tree in an awkward fervor, daring misfortune to further claim her. Now though, she smoothed her skirt across her legs and began to swing. The layers of her skirt ruffled up, threatening to blind her and she tucked it more firmly under her legs. The playground was rusty in places but well-used, the chains on these swings creaked shrilly. Higher, higher. At some point, her shoe fell with a tiny plop and, impatient, Katya wiggled her other foot free as well. With her toes outstretched towards the icy sky, it felt like she was closer to the stars she could barely see. The rushing air stung her eyes as she propelled herself faster, higher; but she refused to close them. A smile swung it's way onto her lips and suddenly she laughed. Her tights looked like webbing between her toes. That bubble of happiness banished the last lingering fingers of the dreams. After all, she was used to the dreams, and although they ate her sleep and made her jump at the shadows in her opulent room, they did not exist here. Katya controlled everything in this moment.
She didn't know how long she stayed there, but the clouds had shifted and cleared. And she still swung, legs reaching for the moon, eyes drinking in the galaxies beyond her fingertips. As she moved, Katya felt her body grow heavier and heavier, the weight of unslept nights (for it never was just one night) falling across her shoulders like an unwanted passenger. Briefly, she wondered if her father would notice if she slept out here, in the cold, and returned with frost-bitten ears and stories of fairies in the park. She huffed. Out of breath, dizzy, she slowed, scraping her now dirty feet across the cold sand. The stains might never leave her tights. The night, no, early morning whirled around her in a haze of fatigue. It was time to go home. Katya stood, grabbing the chain as she swayed. It creaked in protest and she let go, reaching for her discarded shoes. She hummed as she walked, a lazy, out-of-tune sound punctuated by yawns. Luckily, her nighttime wanderings never took her far from the house.
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After crawling in through her window, Katya had slept deeply and suddenly, falling into her bed like a toppled tree.
When she awoke, she knew that she had dreamed, unclenching her fingers from the bedclothes and wiping sweat from her brow. But that was the advantage of exhaustion: Katya did not remember more than the vague uneasiness of that place. Her sleeping tactics did not work every time and, at most, they only gave her a few hours of freedom. But, it was enough for now. Sighing, Katya rolled out from underneath the warm covers, wiggling her toes, still clad in the grubby tights from the night before. Rosie would be so mad.
piii piiii piiiip Katya giggled and turned off the alarm. Today was school. School was today. She rubbed one hand across her face.
"R-rooss-a-liiinnnd academmmyy." She rolled the words around on her tongue, pleased by their unfamiliar feel. "Osalineray Academyay." Her voice was faint, barely competing with the light wind outside. As she looked art her uniform, hung so neatly on the wardrobe, Katya swallowed past the bubble of unease in her throat.
No, no, you can do this
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