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"Or just not one with me? It's not like I'm asking you to marry me, I just wanted to see if we could build some kind of relationship together. It could be whatever you want it to be. I ask myself all the time why I even try, but I think it's because I want something to hope for and even if it doesn't work out in the end, I could at least tell myself that I tried and did my best.

You once said I was digging for heartbreak, but did it ever occur to you that I was actually digging for something better? Maybe I said the "L" word too early, probably a big mistake among many on my part. I was hoping that instead of diving into a relationship, we could get to know each other better. You hardly knew me and I hardly knew you. If you felt like it, we could work on something more and if not, we could call it a day. As I said before I was rarely myself because I felt so restricted, I deliberately kept myself ignorant of everything because I was afraid of the world (still am.)

It's strange how the things you say now can still hurt and put me in a daze, I'd have thought that with the passage of time I'd forget but I only seem to remember more. It's the little things I do that remind me every day, and the things you don't say that drive the stake in harder. There are a lot of things here that I simply don't understand and can't figure out no matter how much I think them over. Why would you tell me that we would see each other again soon unless you meant it? Unless you just wanted me off your back, which I personally think is just mean. Then again, your one sentence, week long responses always leave me with more questions than answers but you've never been much of a talker. I'd gladly put myself through the heartache if I just knew it would mean something in the end.

I just want to know if we're done for good. You said you don't want a relationship right now, but does that mean there's hope for me in the future? I suppose I could wait (see how I grasp for any hope.) I'm so absolutely terrified you will say no, but I have to ask because the anxiety is killing me (which is a very real problem for me that has developed into many emotional issues that I have to hide.)

Maybe next semester if our schedules overlap? I'm not exactly going to run off into the sunset with the next girl that looks at me funny, I don't work that way and I can't just replace you. I mean really, it took me 18 years to get to this point, how much later would the next be. I'm not interested in girls anyway (besides you), it would be too much work to start from the beginning so I give it another 10 years. To be honest, I can't even look at someone else because I feel like it's cheating on you somehow. I fear that with all my 'trying' I'm just pushing you further away, but the only alternative would be to not try, kind of a risk I'd say.

On my really low days I've even think about just ending it all, I suppose that would solve all my own issues and then some. Or I think about selling everything I own for a dollar (xbox too) and running away because I don't particularly like people or school anyway, but I think I'll be fine for now. Sometimes I wish someone would save me from all this. Most days I feel alright, like this is happening to someone else, and others it's just so painfully real.

I still have your birthday stuff, I usually don't hang on to things this long. It's got some dust on it sad
I opened the book part and read it, tripped me out, cool stuff, I just know you'd have liked it.

I wonder if you get bored without the internets, no netflix. I go through different series and movies all the time because I have to distract myself from all this somehow and videogames aren't enough anymore (but Halo 4 is ossum.) It's part of the reason I'm afraid to be alone too. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself here. I'll be locked up in the looney bin eventually. The times I feel best is just after I send you a message, then after a few days I get anxious, then when you finally reply I can't do anything because my mind is so busy trying to understand what you say. Then I reply and it's happy times all over again. I always look forward to your responses, but I also dread them too.

I know this is yet another super long message, but I do have a lot to say on this you know? Nothing else has ever bothered me quite so much. I feel like I can never say enough, but I that I also say too much. I want things to be clear so I can decide what to do next. I apologize for sounding repetitive, but I don't have much to bargain with.

I want to fix this, I really do. I'd do just about anything while still keeping some dignity (That means no running out naked into the streets to prove my commitment.)
I'm at least grateful that you haven't completely cut me off, it gives me some hope, but that could also make it worse if it's false. It sucks being single when you know exactly who you want. I'll try hard not to do much thinking until you can get back to me."

I wonder what the threat of a restraining order will do...
Oh, and my mom, who works at a school with bad kids (of which several threaten to off themselves), says that next time he threatens to kill himself, say "Go ahead." It's not the reaction he's expecting, and from her experience, she's learned that the ones who do kill themselves don't talk about it. Those who do make the threat are just trying to get attention.

cєℓєsтιαℓ ғιʀєғℓιєs:

What. The actual. ******** you ever been in a relationship with this guy or is he just going completely off the deep end with "I want to fix this" and all the other stuff? He's writing like you guys actually had a relationship. I'm just asking because it makes it infinitely creepier if he's talking about something that never existed outside of his own mind.

I would send him one more message, but be really clear with what you expect from him and what is going to happen if he doesn't comply. I would explain that you are NOT interested in pursuing a relationship in any form, and not just "not right now", but not ever, period. You could even throw in that you do NOT appreciate him hunting down personal information that you were not willing to give him. Don't be afraid to tell him that if he does not stop contacting you, or that if he escalates his contact any further (i.e. approaches you at school, starts calling other numbers), you'll block him and follow that up with a restraining order.

You know what else you should do? Print off copies of all his messages AND any that you've sent him that clearly state you want all contact to stop. That way, you have records to back you up if/whenever you have to go to the police. I know a restraining order sounds like a bit much, but honestly, if he's hunting down your personal information to further encroach on your life, please play it safe with this. You don't know just how desperate he could be or what lengths he's willing to go to. If he's not respecting your boundaries right now, don't expect him to respect them in the future.

If you know his address and he threatens to kill himself (edit: didn't mean if he said "I've thought about it", but if he says "I'm about to go end my life"), you might want to call 911 and report it. If he was serious, then he might be able to get some help. If he's not serious, well then he'll learn right quick not to mess around with death threats, won't he?

Ugh, I'm sorry you have to deal with this, this guy sounds like a total creeper. Hope it goes well for you. :/

I never use my real e-mail address.
I did stop replying to him for almost a month and he responded with another 10 page message saying how he missed me and stuff.
I have told my friends and family. My friends helped me stay away from him.
I am avoiding him at college. He told me he got morning classes so I went and got night classes.
Nothing seems to work. mad

I have three 10 pages letters from him. I find them very creepy.I want to burn them every time I look at them.
I carry a hammer and pepper spray with me always. 3nodding

Hmmm...time to take legal action against this dude, then.

This scares the s**t out of me. I fear for your safety. It is guys like this that ultimately helped me decide to get my concealed weapons permit. I think you should think about it too. Because a hammer unless you swing it hard enough will only piss him off. A bullet to the foot will at least slow him down. Not saying kill him. Just saying be prepared for the worst. emotion_donotwant