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 Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2012 11:25 pm
YOUNG GIRLName: Adele Bryant
Color: Deep Sky Blue- #00BFFF
Age: 14
Nationality: American
Home/Financial Status: Upper-Middle class, lives in Daisy district (She has enough to go to Broussard's Institution of Arts and have some to spare, anyway.)
School: Broussard's Institution of Arts
Personality: On the surface, Adele appears taciturn and focused. She doesn't talk much and is often found with a stern-looking expression on her face. This sternness seems to be a recent development, however. In the past, she was a bit more sociable and open. It is likely that she will open up again as her circumstances change. None of this means that she hates people; in fact, she rather likes them despite her apparent aloofness. People are characters too, and they provide inspiration for the ones she writes.
Behind her stone-faced facade flourishes a mind full of brilliant ideas for writing and pictures. This inspiration is the core of her being, one could say. When asked about her ideas or how a particular work is coming along, she will go on for a long time and in great depth. She is always happy to discuss story elements with someone, and may even talk their ears off about whatever she's working on now. Bringing up creative works or stories (her own or someone else's) is a surefire way to drag her out of her shell.
Further going against that stony exterior is her capacity for compassion. Having written quite a bit of sorrow for her own characters allows her to empathize with those who are troubled, even if she may miss the mark a bit in her attempts to actively be compassionate (she may miss an obvious point or make a mistake when trying to help someone). Perhaps her mistakes are due to a difference in how she thinks things will work versus how they actually work in practice (that is, in her writing versus reality). Nonetheless, she can't stand to see people being sad; while she may be a bit shy about the idea of comforting a total stranger, she won't hesitate to try and help a friend.
Adele's personality contains a curious mix of shyness and a desire to "experience" people. While she may not reach out often (especially not recently), she wants to. She tries, but may occasionally misfire. Sometimes, she becomes depressed from an acute feeling of loneliness or emptiness. (Perhaps that's why she creates so much- to fill the void.) Her quiet nature makes it a bit hard for her to speak up sometimes, but with a little mental pushing, she'll get her words out. When she speaks, she is calm and collected, her voice soft and mellow.
One thing that can be inferred about Adele is that she is quite disciplined. It takes a lot of effort to focus on work for an extended period of time, but she is quite capable of doing just that. No distractions can claim her when she's truly "in the zone." She works hard, and she works well. Another thing that can be inferred about her is that she is a tad ambitious; how else would you describe someone who wants to write and publish a novel at age 14?
The downside is that Adele is something of a perfectionist. It doesn't matter how good a project (personal project or school project) really is; if she judges it to be garbage, there's no going back for her. She will scrap it totally and start it over. She despairs easily over the state of her work and may experience drastic mood swings if things are not as free-flowing as she hoped they would be. Nothing breaks her cool demeanor like troubled writing (or troubled anything else, for that matter).
Serious situations or extreme pressure may also break her serene exterior and make her spring into action. Adele really does not handle stress well; she either retreats into whatever's comfortable for her (typically writing or drawing) or simply flat-out breaks into a panic attack if she can't escape or withdraw. She can succumb to the typical pressures of school life or she can cave in from some other perceived stressor; either type will provoke the same reaction from her. (Whether this panic mode will extend to her fighting witches and and minions as a Puella Magi has yet to be seen, but it's fairly certain that, after a while, she will get used to it out of necessity.)
The emptiness mentioned earlier is a serious problem for Adele. She does not have many friends. She has had a few episodes of strong depression caused by an empty feeling. Adele may seem a bit one-sided at times, and that seeming is true. Sometimes, she feels that all she has is her art; if she can't do that, then she has nothing. As potent as these depressive spells can be, they are often easily dispelled by her parents or a teacher.
Another downside is that she can be (and is) enveloped by her creative desires and projects. One can argue that she spends more time in her written world than she does in the real one, to the point that she neglects other responsibilities. Her diligence and devotion to her craft sometimes leaves her so absorbed that she truly loses track of time (at her worst, she can just flat-out miss class due to a writing frenzy or a particularly stubborn problem in a drawing). She is something of an escapist, daydreaming about whatever her next plans are instead of focusing on what's at hand. Naturally, when stressed or troubled by a real-life matter, she will dive into her creative work to get away from it. Her daydreaming can cause her to miss cues in real life that would otherwise help her handle people a bit better.
Aside from writing and drawing, Adele has a fondness for video games, particularly RPGs (for their stories, of course). If she wants a break from her work, she can be found fiddling with some game or another. She also really loves arcades. When she's playing video games, it typically means that she's in a good mood and capable of relaxing. She may be the only girl in Teufel town whose parents beg her to play video games instead of working all the time.
To sum her up, Adele is a girl whose mind flourishes creatively and emotionally beneath her placid exterior. She cares for her creations as if they were her children, and she can be devoted to others in this same way as well. At her best, she is noble, crafty, and imaginative; at her worst, she is a flighty escapist.
Appearance: Adele has long, blue hair (down to the upper-middle part of her back) and narrow blue eyes. She keeps her hair tied back in a ponytail with a white hair tie (it's not a bow per se, but it's tied into the shape of a bow- think Madoka's ribbons). She does have short bangs that didn't quite make it into her ponytail. As said above, her neutral expression appears to be stern due to those narrow eyes and a natural downturn in her lips. Her skin is rather pale. Her overall build is somewhat slim, and she is flat-chested. She is of average height. Her body makes her look younger, but her face makes her look older. She likes to dress comfortably in sweaters (during the winter) and T-shirts (during warmer months) and jeans (or more comfortable pants, if she can get away with it).
History: From the day she was able to do so, Adele always possessed an unusual talent for drawing and writing. Her parents, teachers, and what friends she showed her creations to were all impressed with her. Wanting to foster her talents, her parents made sure to gather up the funds to send her to Broussard's Institution of the Arts. She excelled in the artistic classes there, though her grades in other subjects tended to pitch up and down depending on her mood.
Adele's real passion was always creating characters. She would cheerfully roll them up on the spot if she wanted, and forming them was always a pleasure for her. When she wrote or drew them, she was very capable of getting their emotions across, enabling her to cause strong emotional responses in her viewers. Truly, she lived in a world of words and pictures, a world of her own making. Her inspiration eventually culminated in a most momentous decision indeed: she wanted to write a novel. (Blame National Novel Writing Month.) If everything went as planned (never mind that Adele was getting a little ambitious here), Adele would make her debut into the writing world at a very young age.
All was not well in this seemingly blissful state, though. Adele, being the perfectionist that she was, encountered unexpected struggles with writing her novel. She had difficulty making the plot cohesive and making the character's motivations make sense, amongst other troubles, though whether these were really problems or not was something of a subjective matter. As far as she was concerned, her novel was turning out to be rubbish. Her frustrations began to mount till she nearly sank into a deep depression. Her family and teachers were able to pull her out of it and get her to focus on more important things (like her schoolwork, which had been neglected a bit in her creative frenzy), but she still was left wondering... "If only there was a way I could make this work."
Family:
Elena Bryant- 47- Mother- English Teacher at Teufel Town High School- Elena is Adele's number one fan. She has been behind Adele through the inspirational surges and doldrums, and she has read nearly every work that Adele has produced. She helps Adele by editing her stories and helping her consider any aspects she may have missed. Overall, Adele's relationship with her mother is strong, and she relies on her for emotional support in troubled times. She is very good at comforting people, and she often needs to use those skills for her daughter.
Robert Bryant- 49- Father- Works in Human Resources- Robert, for better or for worse, is a bit more distant from his daughter. He is often at work late and does not get home till after Alice has gone to sleep (that is, when she is home and not in the Broussard's dorm). His love for her is nonetheless unconditional, and he supports her creative endeavors strongly. It was his idea that she go to Broussard's Institute for the Arts.PUELLA MAGILanguage: Latin
Desires: To succeed in creative matters. This includes her writing and any other creative undertakings.
Emblem: The ankh, due to its symbolism for life.
Weapon: Mace (the club, not the spray).
Type of Magic: Healing magic, due to her association with life/creation/life energy. Naturally, at the beginning she would only be able to cure flesh wounds. Perhaps her healing skills can improve as she gains more experience as a Puella Magi. I'd also like to give her the ability to create golems that she can control. These golems can be used to deal heavy physical blows, or to retrieve objects. There's really no limit to what they can be used for, but there is a time limit on them: Adele can keep one golem up for 15 minutes, two for 10 minutes, three for 5 minutes. She can only safely have three golems up at a time; four runs the risk of putting too much strain on her and knocking her out.
Outfit:
I'm thinking I want something kind of "priestessy." I've been staring at Mia from Golden Sun for too long (noting how much I accidentally borrowed from her for Adele design-wise... ahaha) and I almost think that something like what she's wearing would fit better than what I had before. It should have a short skirt to go with typical magical girl attire even if it has long sleeves, I think. Maybe also include some white trimmings/other aspects along with the default blue color to go with her hair tie? Also, if possible, make her mace an ankh/incorporate one into its design somehow? I think it can be done.
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Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2012 6:22 pm
WITCH FORM:Name: Leanan (Taken from Leanan Sidhe, a creature that offers inspiration to an artist at the cost of their soul or sanity.) Type: Creation Witch Description: The Creation Witch is constantly crafting various structures to decorate her maze with. Her eight hands are always busy with work of some sort, be it writing or drawing in ink trails, sculpting with solidified blobs of ink, or some other activity. Naturally, other materials from the outside world may make their way into her creations, but her ink is the most available resource. Nature: Productive Appearance: Leanan is a massive spider with eight legs (as should be expected of a spider), eight long arms above those legs on her body, and eight hands. She appears to be sketched from pen and ink on paper, like a detailed drawing that has somehow come to life. Even the shading on her appears to have been drawn on. When bits of her shift, it seems to occur a bit like a stop-motion animation. Ink flows from her with every step, leaving trails whenever she actually touches the floor of her barrier. She typically sits in a web made from Witch runes. The strings she shoots are also made of these runes. If you attempted to translate them, they'd be gibberish/the equivalent of keysmash, but occasionally (most likely by coincidence) a coherent word or phrase may slip in. The strings and web are inky, just as she is. A Puella Magi or other victim ensnared in her runes may find themselves covered in ink if they break free. Barrier/Maze: The entrance of her barrier appears to be an old, dusty library. If someone tries to take the books off the shelves, the books may either disappear suddenly, explode into blobs of ink, or fly out of their hands and attempt to either return to the shelf they were on or hit the person that took them off. In this zone, the books can be something of a hazard, as they like to fly from shelf to shelf, not caring if they hit someone or something in the process. In fact, lots of the books seem quite determined to hit any intruders that enter the barrier. Once one leaves the library, there are several hallways to go through. Each hallway has a "sketchy" appearance, as though it were somehow drawn into real space. The hallways start out realistic, but get sketchier and sketchier as one proceeds till one appears to be walking through a colorless sketch on canvas. Opening the final door brings you to the Witch's lair. The lair is a large, sketched-out room that would be empty and blank if not for the profusion of inky writings and drawings on the walls and the sculptures inside the room itself. The sculptures are mostly human in form. At the back of the room is the Witch herself, sitting in her web of Witch runes and busily writing, sculpting, and/or drawing (eight hands allow for good multitasking). Location: Broussard's Institution of Arts. Leanan's baleful influence induces people to write, draw, or otherwise exercise their creative talents until they are exhausted. None of what's produced is good enough for their creator; the creator is made to reject it all as trash regardless of its true quality. The creator is inevitably driven to a deep despair, sometimes accompanied by a catatonic stupor if the influence is strong enough. Attack(s): Leanan prefers to control her minions and have them do the fighting for her. However, those who get too close may find themselves wrapped in a web of runes, burned by caustic red ink, struck with a hand or foot, or given a dangerously deep bite with her mandibles. Grief Seed: Two crossed quill pens can be seen towards to bottom of this Grief Seed. Towards the top, an ankh is visible. MINION #1 FORM:Name: Scribo (from Latin, "I write") Duty: Proofreading Description: These minions can be found looking over the writing that Leanan produces. If they detect an error, they will promptly correct the writing with their red editing pens. However, at times they can be a tad overzealous in correcting, scratching out words that were perfectly fine to just rewrite them. Appearance: A Scribo looks like a stick figure made of Witch runes holding a large, red pen. This pen is roughly the same size as it is (about 5 feet tall). Attack(s): A Scribo attacks by shooting caustic red ink out of its pen. It'll hurt a lot to get hit by it. If it needs to attack in melee, it can also use its pen like a spear (the tip is quite sharp). MINION #2 FORM:Name: Coelo (From Latin, "I carve/engrave") Duty: Sculpting Description: A Coelo may be found inspecting the sculptures that Leanan has made. If there is a flaw (whether said flaw actually exists or not), it will use its chisel to correct it. It can also be found making its own sculptures from time to time, but they aren't as skillfully made as Leanan's. Appearance: A Coelo looks like a sketch of a nude, muscular human man. It has no face and no genitalia (so no worries about flashing- they're Ken dolls down there... but they do have butts). Attack(s): A Coelo can try to stab with its chisel, but it mostly fights with its fists. It can land quite the powerful punch. MINION #3 FORM:Name: Lego (From Latin, "I read/collect/gather.") Duty: Gathering Description: A Lego's role is to collect materials for Leanan to write/draw on or use in her sculptures. They can be found scuttling around the barrier, searching for any items that may have drifted in from the outside world. This occasionally includes people. Appearance: A Lego looks like a smaller version of Leanan. It is not "drawn" or "shaded" as detailed as she is, giving it a more 2-D appearance. Attack(s): Like Leanan, a Lego can trap people in a web or string shot made from runes. It can also engage in melee by striking with its hands or feet, or by biting with its mandibles.
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Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2012 7:22 pm
Adele is open for crit! Here are my current missions:
- What's an occupation that makes more sense for Adele's father, given their financial status?
- Please help me flesh out the Personality section... I always get stuck on Personality sections. X_X
- Any crit on her Witch form is appreciated.
- Blue hair or brown hair? Both combinations are kind of already in use. This is something I'll have to decide later, though.
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Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2012 10:21 pm
I think you could actually choose a more esteemed job than HR, since the family is upper middle class and he's the only one working, or maybe he also sits on the board of directors where he works. So, either a different job or the same job with a board seat sound good to me.
I always have trouble with personalities too, but I'll try. "She doesn't talk much to people outside of her 'circle' and is often found with a stern-looking expression on her face. This sternness seems to be a recent development caused by her writing difficulties, however. In the past, she was a bit more sociable and open." This makes me wonder. Did she recently make these friends, have they been friends for ages, or is it a mix of both? If it was through her old personality, does she still have those traits? If not, then why do they stick around? Do they see something in the new her or what?
Leanan is great! I really like the idea of an artist witch and yours is much different from the copycat in the show. She and her minions fit the setting well. I actually want to work more on mine after reading yours.
Either hair color sounds fine to me. Maybe if you choose one, have hair accessories in the opposite color?
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Posted: Mon Oct 15, 2012 8:21 am
Hi there! I figured I would offer up a crit before I get ready for school. This is just a stream of consciousness that I had while I was reading your concept, so I'm working my way down the page for the most part.
Also, please do not feel that you have to do anything that I say here. These are merely my opinions and thoughts, not the law!
GIRL
Overall, I think you have a very good concept here. That I can remember, there isn't a girl that is driven by such an intense bout of creativity. I like how central it is to her personality, as any large hobby can be.
However, I think that it may be just a bit too central to her. As I was reading about her, the only sense of her that I got was that she is a writer. While writing can easily consume someone's life, it is not the only thing in their life. For example, my character Priya has chronic asthma. While it has heavily influenced her personality, it is not the only thing that defines her! You should try to approach Adele from another perspective; what else does she do with her life besides write? While her writing may have developed her major personality traits, how do they relate to other aspects of her life? People are much more complex than one simple hobby. She seems to be fairly balanced in terms of these traits, but they are not defined much outside of how they affect her writing.
Does she get excited about anything other than writing? She is more than happy to discuss her writing with someone, but does she ever get that animated about anything else? Again, she seems rather one-sided.
Parts of her personality are fairly confusing to me. You mention that she has a great capacity for understanding and compassion, but then go on to say that she often misses the mark on compassion. I think you need to be a little more clear. Does she do these things well in her writing, but not so well in real life? Clarity could definitely help here.
Something that I'm curious about is how her perfectionism translates into other aspects of her life. Personally, I think I have a mild case of OCD, and this affects not only my schoolwork but also how I organize things. My character, Charlotte, is a perfectionist in regards to her ballet, but she also worries about her schoolwork and how others see her. Again, try looking at Adele as a whole, not just as a writer. Another thing that goes along these lines is her escapist tendencies. Does she run away from other things? If so, what exactly does she run away from most? Does she have social anxiety? Just a few things I'm curious about.
Just a matter of aesthetics and flow is how you've written about her experience. The sentences here are very short and choppy, and it reads a bit awkwardly. I, personally, would consider combining a few related sentences to break up this choppiness.
You mentioned that she excelled in nearly every subject at Broussard's, but how? Did she have to put a lot of work into her studies? If she did, how did she balance that with her writing, if that consumes such a large part of her life? You said that she can often miss vital signs and signals in her everyday life because of her writing-oriented mind, so how did she maintain such a good school record?
As a whole, her history seems a bit lacking. Again, it is centered only around her writing. She must have had some other things in her life that mattered, right? Writing can't be the only defining thing, can it?
Her family, again, seems centered around her writing. While I understand her parents being very proud of her for her accomplishments, they must love her for other reasons, right? Try thinking about how she would interact with them if she wasn't a writer.
PUELLA
First thing, you should get rid of the advice in parentheses when you respond to a category. It's not really needed if you've decided on your response.
I feel her magic could be expanded upon. The general theme of "life/creation/life energy" is a good starting point, but what kinds of things can she do? How is she limited? How are her golems limited? Can they only last for so long, or only do certain things? Try to think about how she would use her magic when she had just been given it. Then, after she becomes a puella, you can build from there.
In regards to her outfit, try to think of how either of your ideas would affect combat. Would something flowy and ethereal get in the way? Would all those layers and pieces of fabric to achieve the "priestess" look get in the way? How would it maybe be altered so that she could move freely?
WITCH
At first glance, this looks really good! I don't know much about the witches, so this might be better left to someone who does, but I'll give it a shot!
You really emphasize the sketchiness of her body and her labyrinth, which leads me to believe that drawing had a big influence on her as well. But I didn't get that at all from reading her girl concept. I'm not sure where you want to go with this, but I can understand both writing and drawing being related to the "creation witch" theme.
I like her minions, but again I don't really know much about minions in general. As a whole, the witch form seems very good!
I hope that this helps you, and if you have any questions please feel free to message me about them! Good luck in the concept contest!
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