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Evil Taffy ~ A Short Story

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Jasper Riddle
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 9:50 am


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A short story inspired by a dream I had a while back. It explains why the story is called Evil taffy, but I don't wanna go into explanations right now. I'm just gonna post the whole thing. So here's the story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sky is cold, gray, unforgiving. It's always like this. The clouds are so heavy you can't see the sun unless you look, and they never seem to move. No matter how windy it is down here--as it inevitably seems to be--the clouds hang there, like a blanket covering the sun. It's going to rain again, at some point in the day. The rain will be like the clouds, chilly and gray, coming down in long, thick sheets of steel. It's always like that. There's never any thunder or lightning--just the cold gray clouds and cold gray rain.

Denizen sits next to me on the bus. He doesn't move or speak or blink--just sits there with his eyes half-closed and his long legs drawn up against his chest. I wonder for the fiftieth time who the hell he is, then turn away, closing my eyes and putting my head against the window. The cold glass feels good against my forehead.

My name is Derek. I can't tell you my grade--you'd never believe me. I can drive, but I don't have a car--no money for fuel. I don't know whether I live with my parents anymore; they're divorced, my mother's never at home, and my father gets me every other weekend. Sometimes I can stay out all night and neither will know.

Friends are few and far-between--my current batch are all friends, and have been for a while. Josh invited me to their study group once and afterwards, they didn't mind if I just stuck around. Maybe that was the start of this whole thing.

The bus shudders to a halt and my stop is announced. I glance up at the sky through the window, then Denizen grabs my arm and hauls me upright, almost dragging me down the bus to the exit.

I wouldn't mind staying. The bus can take me to eternity for all I care--it's nice just sitting there, looking out at the steel sky and letting my mind wander. But I let Denizen lead me home.

We go straight up to my room, and he sits on my bed, posture like that of a frogs'. It would be funnier if I didn't know what he was capable of. I start pacing.

"C'mon, Den. You're not still angry about that, are you? I caught you fair and square."

He glares at me and I ignore him.

"Do you wanna go hunting? Fine. Let's go hunting."

I turn to continue pacing and there he is, already in battle regalia, long white hair hanging loosely and mask in one hand. He stands a full head and a half taller, but I'm not scared. I smirk. "Alright, then. Let's go."


You'll want to know about Denizen now, I suppose. Okay then. I'm not terribly sure what the heck he is--only Janitor does. Jan says he's a Hunter, and I think I'm starting to understand what that is. The thing about him is that he never shows any expression--it's all with his eyes. He looks at you one way and he's annoyed--another way and he's mad. He doesn't seem to be capable of being happy--just mad, annoyed at me for catching him. And he never talks. I don't think he can.


I walk down the street, wondering when the hell it's going to start raining--I hate the suspense. People jostle me on all sides, rushing to get here and there before the cold dull downpour starts--I think I'm the only one going at a leisurely pace. Going nowhere at a leisurely pace. The thought makes me smirk.

There. I feel something and turn. She seems to stand out from the crowd, a punk among businessmen, cigarrette held between two clawed fingers. I shrug and head her way--she ignores me, which is fine. I bump into her and mumble inaudibly.

"Banish."

Only I can see it. A great cloud of gray shoots out of her chest and darts into the air--it reminds me strongly of a sticky gray spirit. Watching it, I see Denizen--he's watching from the rooftops, watching me. He's got his mask on--this strange sheet of metal with bands and two red blobs for the eyes. I nod visibly and he leaps forward.

Now comes the fascinating part. His tongue shoots out like a frogs', faster than the eye can see, and stags the dark mess. In an instant, the second is over, and he's sitting on a rooftop of a building across the street, watching me and slowly chewing, crouched in his strange froglike pose again. It would be more unnerving if I kept watching him, but I don't. I keep walking, knowing that he's following on all fours and watching me.

I look around. There's evil everywhere, and Denizen eats it. Well...I think he does, anyway. He catches it with his tongue, at least, so I can only assume he eats it. I have to find it for him, because of my gift. I can see evil, and I can banish it from people. It doesn't make them good or anything--just less inclined to do bad things. I never really did it before, except to my friends and family, but now I'm doing it all the time. Dunno why. Guess it's my life now or something.


I think it's going to rain now. Everything speeds up around me, but I continue at a pleasant pace, bumping into people as I head back home, hands in my pockets. Maybe I'll get caught in the rain and it'll wash Denizen away like a bad dream so I can keep living my life in a city that never changes under a steel cloud blanket.
PostPosted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 3:09 pm


OOOoooooooooOOOOOOOOOh!

Denizen is teh creepiest! Okay, Okay, is there a less cheesy way for Derek to banish the evil? Otherwise, great mood. The style could use some tightening, but that would be more of a re-write than a little fix-up.

arddunaid
Captain


Sui the foot doktor
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Sat Mar 04, 2006 6:23 am


Hokay.

Firstly, wtf. That was weird.

I think the Denizen-Derek relationship was pretty hard to wrap my head around during the first read-through. I definitely want more out of the entire piece, because the banishing evil part felt very rushed, and how Derek got it, to say the least, became a piece of info I was hoping for once it surfaced. I want to know how Denizen came to be, whether he's Derek's manifestation or just a creature that follows him. Honestly, it'd probably be better to give it a few more pages worth of work, maybe around 10, if you can manage.

All in all, it was pretty good. Kind of rushed, and a bit forced at parts. My biggest objection was using "Now comes the fascinating part" before Denizen eats the evil taffy. The last paragraph was kind of awkward compared to the rest of the piece, too. But I definitely think fleshing the story out would fix most of the problems.
PostPosted: Sat Mar 04, 2006 9:39 am


Sui, I'm trying to write the original dream as a passable chapter, but I can't. I'm sorry.
It makes me fall into this depression, for some reason....I can't do it. ET's gonna have to stay the way it is.

Jasper Riddle
Vice Captain


Clavissima

PostPosted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 2:58 pm


I like this, actually. I really like it. The mood is strong and unwavering, and it all seems so logical in an unlogical way. It's hard to explain. Anyway, as Sui said, you could make this a lot longer if you explained a bit more and stuck in a bit of exposition, but it's still fine the way it is, especially since you're just trying to base it all off your dream. 3nodding
PostPosted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 10:30 pm


That was possibly the most cohesive random dream scribbles I've ever read. But it still makes no sense. xd

Lea Fealith

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Jasper Riddle
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 6:11 am


It's excellent to know people like it.

I'm sorely tempted to stay in the city that never changes and continue to write, but it makes me so...null. Which is bad for my health.

But I guess I can try and post the actual dream in cohesive-dream-scribbling. wink Don't worry if it takes me forever.
PostPosted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 6:57 pm


This is actually really cool; I like it a lot. Sort of Diana Wynne Jones in a way, which is one of the highest compliments I can pay. ^.^

A few nitpicks:
-Assuming this kid is as young as implied, I don't think he'd say "what the hell" or "who the hell;" it doesn't seem to match with the rest of his personality as much, and you wouldn't lose anything from taking the "hell"s out, so you might want to consider that.
-
Quote:
Friends are few and far-between--my current batch are all friends, and have been for a while. Josh invited me to their study group once and afterwards, they didn't mind if I just stuck around. Maybe that was the start of this whole thing.

This paragraph is sort of confusing. The first sentence just isn't making sense to me, and the rest is never referred to again, so you could just cut it to "Friends are few and far-between." I think.
-
Quote:
In an instant, the second is over,
I don't really like these, just because they're synonyms, I guess. I'm sure you can find a better way to put it.
-Yeah, and the last paragraph doesn't make all that much sense. Why does he want Denizen washed away? He just said he caught Denizen, and that banishing evil was his life.

Overall, really very good, though.

blue_icicle

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