I'm on a breaking point.. I really am... | Page 1 | - You: Personal Discussion, Life Issues, & Advice - | Guild Forums

--Untoten Kase--

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Posted: Mon May 30, 2011 4:52 am

Don't judge me
Just love me.
I'm not a criminal, I'm innocent
So come and set me free!

A while ago i posted something about this whole thing... but... the advice i got, i really couldn't do... ( wanna see it? go here: http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=21357441 )

And now...I'm sick of it.. it's gotten worse... and I've thought of more stuff that's making it all worse... I can't explain it... all i know for sure, is it starts as me being a total b***h.. and i take it out on whoever i can... then i get sad cause i know i've done something wrong... and then, it passes...
And this whole thing.. it's happened for so long.. like REALLY..... i remember back in middle school whenever i hugged my parents, i'd want to just cry and cry in their arms for hours... but i held it back.. cause if i did, they'll ask why.... but.... i.... don't... KNOW!!!! I haven't known why I feel this way.. i never knew what causes it... i don't even know when it started... (oh... i'm ending Junior year in high school... and soon gonna be Senior... so yeah, this has happened for a long time...)

The only thing i can think of, is all the things i kept bottled up and hidden for so long trying to break free.... and believe me, i'm so antisocial, i don't even talk to my own parents about my problems... So.. this is what's making it worse:

When my sudden b***h-flash comes around, and i take it out on my brother or sister or parents.. they'll hit back... hard.. and I ALWAYS have to pay for it in the worst way... 2 of my closest internet friends know about this... (yeah... no one in real life knows.. not even my boyfriend....) and sometimes, i take it out on one of them... and i pay for it... cause we fight, and she just never seems to understand the biggest part of this problem... which is... I CAN'T CONTROL IT!!!! These things are random.. i can be having the most amazing day ever, and then suddenly, BAM!!

NO ONE GETS IT!!! NO MATTER WHO I TELL, NO ONE GETS THAT I DO NOT KNOW WHY!!! NO ONE GETS THAT I CAN'T CONTROL IT!!!! NO MATTER HOW I TRY TO EXPLAIN IT, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!!! It's breaking me more and more... ._.

The fact, I can't tell my parents... why? because this is what i think:
If they're part of the reason why it's getting worse.. do they even deserve to know? and i don't want to lay it on them as "This is why this has been happening... and you're part of the reason" that will kill them on the inside... i would never do that to anyone that i love.. :/
If I do tell them, they'll ask why... I don't know why... and they just don't seem to get that I DON'T KNOW!!! oh yeah.. no one does.. .-. anyway, and if they finally get that i don't know, they'll just send me to therapy..... and all that'll do is get me on medication that I DON'T NEED!!! and the problem will NEVER be dealt with.. NEVER!!

*cough*

Also, i've tried doing many things to solve it... like.. finding a talent...
I'll just say straight on..
I HAVE NO TALENTS... honest to god.... i can't draw, i can't sing, i can't write, i can't play an instrument, i can't cook, i can't do anything.....

I've tried using the things that make me happy.. like listening to my favorite band... all that did was make me happy in the moment... as soon as i ran out of songs, everything was back to normal...

:/ and if you wish to know exactly how i feel.. i know a song that seems like it was literally written just for me... i can relate to every single line, it's scary...
Anyway, the song is Monster by Skillet.. so, if you really want a good description of what i feel like when this happens, look up that song.. listen to it, read the lyrics, etc.

I choose ecstasy.
And music's my religion.
Magic is my kingdom
And the dance floor is my heaven.

Posted: Tue May 31, 2011 2:17 pm

You are the apple...

The link isnt working for me: "You have not supplied a valid Topic ID and Page, or you did not specify a valid Post ID."

I currently dont have any advice for you as my mind doesnt seem to want to work at the moment, but always feel free to PM me or if you have any IM programs, ill supply you with my screenname(s) and you can add me. I am willing to listen anytime, and i try my best to give advice if i can.

and I am your core.

Rock4ourRock
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JJmonkeychic

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Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 7:36 am

In all honesty, I know exactly how you feel. I'm currently going through something so scarily similar that I feel like I'm reading about myself in your post. The only difference is that I'm always mad. Always. Even when I'm happy and laughing I'm pissed for no reason. Then I take it out on my friends and family. The smallest things make me snap.

At one point I even started to ask my mom to find me a shrink, but then I didn't want to tell her why and I didn't want to have to take any medication. Also, we don't have the money to pay for a shrink. This just made me even more angry. I talked to my friend about, the only person I'v ever talked to, and she said maybe it's just the stress of my life building up. I'm a freshman, and this anger started to build up in the sixth grade. Now I'm just afraid that one day I'm going to snap and physically injure someone.

So, yeah, I understand.

Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 9:19 am

I can relate to your situation as well. Especially the random... b***h-flash, as you put it. (Lol) I have episodes of anger sometimes here and there, because I have a mental disorder called IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder). I only bring up this mental disorder because you mentioned how at first you b***h at someone, but then you feel sad afterwards because you know what you did was wrong. That shows symptoms of IED. Someone who has this mental disorder has spouts of anger/rage etc, and is usually almost immediately followed by feelings of guilt or sadness (as you mentioned) because they feel bad about what they did.
I'm only saying this is a possibility.

Also, as far as the talent goes, for any of those things, it takes time to develop. I mean, to get any good at any one of those things you've got to practice practice practice. Don't do it because you want to be good at it though, do it because it's fun. So try and find something that you enjoy doing, you don't have to be an expert at it. c:

And if you ever need someone to talk to, you can PM me.
Even though I've never talked to you before. o-o But that's cool, amirite?

Luxurious Poverty

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SpecialAgentKira

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Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 10:04 am

You sound like me without my anti-depressants.

Go talk to a doctor- since it's professional, you won't feel that it has any social relations and that you're just doing it to help everyone.

I let my depression ruin me and I don't have any social life at all, don't let that break your life. (I am also a soon to be senior).

Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 10:07 am

JJmonkeychic

In all honesty, I know exactly how you feel. I'm currently going through something so scarily similar that I feel like I'm reading about myself in your post. The only difference is that I'm always mad. Always. Even when I'm happy and laughing I'm pissed for no reason. Then I take it out on my friends and family. The smallest things make me snap.

At one point I even started to ask my mom to find me a shrink, but then I didn't want to tell her why and I didn't want to have to take any medication. Also, we don't have the money to pay for a shrink. This just made me even more angry. I talked to my friend about, the only person I'v ever talked to, and she said maybe it's just the stress of my life building up. I'm a freshman, and this anger started to build up in the sixth grade. Now I'm just afraid that one day I'm going to snap and physically injure someone.

So, yeah, I understand.

They have school shrinks you know. It's free.

SpecialAgentKira

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JJmonkeychic

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Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 10:16 am

EliteKira

JJmonkeychic

In all honesty, I know exactly how you feel. I'm currently going through something so scarily similar that I feel like I'm reading about myself in your post. The only difference is that I'm always mad. Always. Even when I'm happy and laughing I'm pissed for no reason. Then I take it out on my friends and family. The smallest things make me snap.

At one point I even started to ask my mom to find me a shrink, but then I didn't want to tell her why and I didn't want to have to take any medication. Also, we don't have the money to pay for a shrink. This just made me even more angry. I talked to my friend about, the only person I'v ever talked to, and she said maybe it's just the stress of my life building up. I'm a freshman, and this anger started to build up in the sixth grade. Now I'm just afraid that one day I'm going to snap and physically injure someone.

So, yeah, I understand.

They have school shrinks you know. It's free.

Talking to the school shrinks is not a good idea. Not for me.

Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 10:17 am

JJmonkeychic

Talking to the school shrinks is not a good idea. Not for me.

Because?

SpecialAgentKira

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JJmonkeychic

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Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 10:30 am

EliteKira

JJmonkeychic

Talking to the school shrinks is not a good idea. Not for me.

Because?

Had a bad run with them. I'v been getting into a lot of fights lately and they loved to use the line, You'r throwing away your future. As if I don't know? But I can't not be angry, I'v tried. They're not very good at their jobs, they don't see the problem, just the consequences.

Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 1:09 pm

JJmonkeychic

EliteKira

JJmonkeychic

Talking to the school shrinks is not a good idea. Not for me.

Because?

Had a bad run with them. I'v been getting into a lot of fights lately and they loved to use the line, You'r throwing away your future. As if I don't know? But I can't not be angry, I'v tried. They're not very good at their jobs, they don't see the problem, just the consequences.

I can see that. sweatdrop hmm

SpecialAgentKira

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xXJustified_DeathXx

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Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 9:04 pm

...............wha?????

*clicks the link*

"You have not supplied a valid Topic ID and Page, or you did not specify a valid Post ID."

......................poo.

Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 9:17 pm

Fixed Link From OP

There's the fixed link guys. dramallama

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psycheduck

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Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2011 12:07 am

Rock4ourRock

You are the apple...

The link isnt working for me: "You have not supplied a valid Topic ID and Page, or you did not specify a valid Post ID."

I currently dont have any advice for you as my mind doesnt seem to want to work at the moment, but always feel free to PM me or if you have any IM programs, ill supply you with my screenname(s) and you can add me. I am willing to listen anytime, and i try my best to give advice if i can.

and I am your core.

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep...

It didn't take long to figure out she meant this. I'll be correcting that little glitch now.

...because reality is finally better than your dreams...

Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2011 4:11 pm

The thing about hobbies isn't about picking something that you're naturally talented towards... Its about picking what you enjoy doing. The talent comes later, after you've been doing it.

My first five years of art was terrible, but I just like doing it for doing. As long as I enjoy it is all that matters.

pirulaso

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ebilshady

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Posted: Sun Jun 19, 2011 12:01 am

I know someone who generally sounds exactly like what you're describing. And I've felt like this my share of times too x.x

It sounds like your random "b***h-fits" are your, as you stated, bottled up emotions trying to break free.
I know everyone will try to tell you this, but it's never healthy to keep your feelings inside of you.
The more things you hold in, the worse you're going to feel. And eventually your mind is going to break now and then, letting them out in, usually, the most negative way possible.
^ A general summary of what the random bitchings could be ^

Your feeling of guilt and wanting to cry in the end might as well be a mixture of other pent up emotions, and you knowing you shouldn't have let loose on someone in such an aggressive matter.

Best thing I could suggest is finding someone who understands, and will let you release anything off onto them. Don't let it all out at once though. instead, you should try to be with this person on a regular basis and let it out small bit by bit, in an amount their patience will be able to put up with.
This is exactly why the best person for most people to vent to is their "special someone".
If you're in a steady relationship, I'm sure your boyfriend would care about you enough to have sympathy on the situation. Try to talk it over with him if it's the case. And ask him if he doesn't mind you going crazy now and then.

It always feels good to rant at someone who actually listens, and will hold you afterwards.

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