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 Posted: Tue May 24, 2011 6:41 am
Open for Critiques
Last Edit: 5/26/11
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Posted: Tue May 24, 2011 8:44 am
Name: Falys Credita
Race: Human
Stage: Starting out as a witchling, ambition to be a Black Heart one day.
Gender: Female
Biography: From average beginnings can come greatness...
Falys grew up as the only child of a comfortably middle class family. However, their exclusion from great wealth was entirely intentional on her parents' part, as they made enough money that they could have flaunted it, if they so chose. Her mother was a CFO, her father a vice manager at the local steel plant, and both entrepreneurs by night. Inventions and startup companies were created and sold, with the money always filtering into investments and the next project.
Her mother was a witch, though chose not to do much with her power, only to make household chores easier so she could concentrate on her work. Though Falys never wanted for love, undivided attention from her parents was hard to come by. She experimented with what little untrained power she had through books her mother had kept, settling for weekly 'reports' of what she'd learned.
Falys knew they had wealth, but were reserved enough not to flaunt it, and she knew that anything done with half an effort wasn't worth the effort at all. In watching her parents work, she also learned that once her parents' companies left their hands, the outside world could not be trusted to run them properly. Though many companies succeeded, Falys's attention was drawn to those that didn't. These managers-to-be relied on her parents' money hard work to get them going, then let their efforts rot from their own inactivity. Her parents always seemed forgiving, seeing this as part of the small business world, and keeping their anger restricted to boardroom meetings. Though Falys never had any more investment in her parents' work than the small bookkeeping they gave her, she was not so eager to make allowances for what she saw as laziness. Her parents saw her anger as the emotional excitement of youth, aimed at the more interesting projects, the failures. Falys never understood why her frustration never swayed her parents.
Though their household was not exactly a fount of expressive emotion, Falys learned early in life that small gestures could carry more weight than a cry from the rooftop. Her mother taking an extra long lunchbreak to help Falys refine a bit of magic, an affectionate pat on the head from her father after solving a particularly complex equation; these were the hallmarks of their approval. The occasional punishment, or worse, disappointment, stung at Falys with the fear that laziness would creep into her life and she'd lose her parents' approval.
Falys left for Makai Academy with an aptitude for math and financing, and the ambition to make a mark on the world. She would not be like her parents who created opportunities for others only to watch them fail. She'd learned that magic was much like the worlds of business and math, where nothing could be given without a price. Even healing magic, the very essence of giving to others, took its fair toll on those who gave.
Though Falys had never seen a Majin that she knew of, she entered Makai hating them. Leeches, as she saw them, sucking the very essence from legitimate witches. They were even worse than the lazy business owners, who one could refuse funding or support. These thieves were embezzlers, taking what wasn't theirs without even the knowledge of the victim. Creatures like this couldn't be stopped with a mere court's order. As a mere witchling, Falys wasn't sure if she had the power to take on a Majin, let alone a Witch Eater...not yet at least.
Personality: Falys is difficult to get along with for certain people. She doesn't actively avoid friends, but will only become close to those who she feels won't take advantage of her. She is very proud, and will not stand for others looking down on her, but somewhat of a hypocrite in that she finds herself looking down on people she doesn't particularly like.
She despises those who ostentatiously draw attention to themselves, and feels that they're just asking for confrontation. Not to say that Falys will be the one to provide it, but she'd be unsurprised if it found them. She won't confront anyone who hasn't outright offended her, because she knows as a young witch with little formal training that she's bound to lose. However, each day brings new experiences and one day she won't be just a little witchling anymore...
Visual References: Mostly up to the artist. I have a lot of faith in artistic freedom ^_^
Overall, very formal, and straight-laced. Black hair, in a style of your choosing. Expression is flat, calculating, almost scornful or annoyed. Eyes, I do request they both be the same color. Glasses as well, also in a style of your choosing.
The only accessory I specifically have in mind (though you're welcome to add more) is her necklace: Plain black ribbon, choker style, with a small white stone hanging from it.
Magical Affiliation: Telekinetics are her strongest point, with the ability to move objects at will. She's not very powerful at this stage, but it's the part of her power that she's most interested in exploring. This is most likely because it was also her mother's preferred magic, and many of the books she kept were related to it. Falys also has a smaller affiliation with Apothecary, though very small because she's lacked proper ingredients to practice with at home. In theory however, she's able to translate potion ingredients and amounts into mathematical equations, and for the very simple potions at this stage, predict the outcomes of the potion via the equation.
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Posted: Tue May 24, 2011 10:03 am
Open for critiques? It doesn't have any fancy post styles yet, but I'll add a few tidbits to dress it up once I get home.
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Posted: Tue May 24, 2011 12:42 pm
Hey, Silent! =)
Don't worry about not having "fancy post styles" for it yet; being simple is just as pleasing, as long as its readable. =)
Lovely name; out of pure curiosity, does it mean anything specific, or is it just something you liked?
Very well written biography, though this sentence to me: "She had ambition, knowledge, and eventually, power enough to remove those who would siphon the fruits of others' labors" seems almost a bit godmoding. While we understand that she is a strong willed, intelligent individual, that sort of thing isn't something that's determined right off the bat when developing a character. It's something that's slowly developed through roleplay and characterization due to interaction between other characters.
I like that she has a strong personality; she's not afraid to do what she needs to, she's ambitious and hardworking, and she's cautious. All good traits for someone, although you seem to have her made out to be more of a hypocrite than just someone who looks down on people she doesn't like. You say that she won't be like her parents that merely watch people fail, but then you also say that she will remove those people like her parents, which essentially lowers herself down to their level. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but is this what you intended for her? It makes her out to be a rather intense, solidly individual character, which can make for interesting plots.
Overall, you have a very nicely developed character. I'm very interested to see what you do with her. =)
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Posted: Tue May 24, 2011 2:28 pm
Like Kuro said, fancy post styles aren't really much so important so don't worry about that right now. Besides, the content of it is more important anyway, and as long as it is readable.
As for critique; I do love her name it's very unique. Your biography is very well written. Falys seems like a very interesting character and her personality suits her background too. So it's very understandable why she would somewhat act the way she does. The information you have is enough to paint a mental picture as I read along which I believe is a good thing, especially for the artist.
I don't really have much to say other than your character is very well thought of and I can't wait to see what comes from this when you do get her.
C:
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Posted: Tue May 24, 2011 3:03 pm
Like the others said, it's good enough to paint a picture in one's head. xD My only qualm is that it seems to be missing a bit about her ability concentration :3 Like the type of magic she'd be most proficient at.
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Posted: Tue May 24, 2011 3:48 pm
Thanks everyone! Her name doesn't mean anything at all, I just experimented with syllables until I found something that sounded good.
I had meant the "She had ambition..." line to be more from her perspective, but I added "In her eyes..." to make that more clear.
I also added a couple lines about how her parents viewed the companies that didn't make it to make it more clear that she didn't inherit this unforgiving mindset from them, and it may not necessarily be right. Her hypocrisy is definitely intentional, and it's kindof leading up to her becoming violent, though she's not at this stage in her character.
I added her two magical preferences, though the Apothecary one is more academic, and won't be much use outside the classroom until she gets a job.
Thanks again for the crits everyone! Let me know if there's anything that's still unclear or contradictory ^_^
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Posted: Tue May 24, 2011 7:30 pm
I apologize in advance for the length... and my nit-pickyness. xD; Your character, as the others have said, is very well thought out and your writing style provides a lovely mental image.
*ahem* Now then...
Her parents seem an odd combination of loving and cold. Falys never wanted for love, yet her accomplishments were only acknowledged with an approving nod. Her parents worked hard for what they had and taught her that half an effort was no effort at all, but they were forgiving when their hard work was frittered away (on numerous occasions, it seems) by poor outside management. There just seems to be some disparity here. I feel as though people who worked hard and who loved their daughter enough for her not to feel deprived would pay a bit more attention to her impressive, self-motivated, and self-taught accomplishments. That or they would be less tolerant of laziness.
I suppose my greatest concern with this is in the fact that she seems to have been greatly affected by her parents' attitudes... and rightfully so.
The last part of this sentence is odd to me:
"In her eyes, she had ambition, knowledge, and eventually, power enough to remove those who would siphon the fruits of others' labors."
the part about power (despite the eventually in there) makes it sound as though it took a while but, in her eyes, she already has that power. Maybe that's what you want, if not... maybe something explaining that she believes that she has the ability to eventually gain enough power.
I'm a fan of her hypocritic characteristic. I feel as though a surprisingly large number of people have and/or have seen that quality. ;] Having things to relate to is always good.
I feel like, really, she has a lot of qualities that probably came from her parents... although she probably wouldn't hesitate to start a confrontation if I mentioned that, huh? xD Or maybe not. Does she know telekinetics were her mother's preferred magic or were you thinking more along the lines of a sort of hereditary affinity? I think, in general, her relationship with her parents needs to be spelt out more clearly for the readers. It's obvious that she feels something strong, but what exactly is a little hazy.
I like the few things you added for visual references. I'm curious if the white stone on her choker has any sentimental value for her.
Take all of this as a grain of salt, of course. As previously stated, you have a lovely character concept going on here. ;3
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Posted: Thu May 26, 2011 6:31 pm
Thanks so much, Satin! I hadn't realized there was such a huge hole there... I made some adjustments to how affection was given in their house, as well as clearing up why they seemed so forgiving on bad business owners.
Also added a bit on her hatred of Majin, to connect with her eventual Reaper/Black Knight ambitions.
And thanks to everyone who's given me crits so far, let me know if there's any holes I've missed! ^_^
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Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2011 1:06 pm
/pretends she has a big stamp.
Accepted.
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