Its the last three lines. They just... Don't fit. The rest of the poem has awesome flow, and sounds really good said loud and fast. But those last three lines jolt out of rhythm. I son't know what I would do to them. I think the change in rhyme and tempo is too much. The first two are ok, they just need something grander to lead into. This is the sort of thing where you need to leave people gasping. CHange the last line, perhaps make it rhyme with the rest, and then leave the second and third to last lines. But it as to be grand, sombre, and thoughtful.
Posted: Wed Jul 12, 2006 11:54 am
Can we find the meaning Of this life that we are leading? Its intriguing And misleading Pointless, or so seeming
We seek the slightest gleaning of an answer to the dreaming. Reason is fleeting Time retreating And the world's pulse just keeps beating