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Reply The Cranky Writers' Guild
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What do you think?
  It sucks soooooo bad you should just toss it
  It needs A LOT of work, but may be salvegable
  A little improvement and it should be ok
  It has potential...
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Reagahn

Original Lunatic

PostPosted: Wed May 24, 2006 4:01 pm


Its the last three lines. They just... Don't fit. The rest of the poem has awesome flow, and sounds really good said loud and fast. But those last three lines jolt out of rhythm. I son't know what I would do to them. I think the change in rhyme and tempo is too much. The first two are ok, they just need something grander to lead into. This is the sort of thing where you need to leave people gasping. CHange the last line, perhaps make it rhyme with the rest, and then leave the second and third to last lines. But it as to be grand, sombre, and thoughtful.
PostPosted: Wed Jul 12, 2006 11:54 am



Can we find the meaning
Of this life that we are leading?
Its intriguing
And misleading
Pointless, or so seeming

We seek the slightest gleaning
of an answer to the dreaming.
Reason is fleeting
Time retreating
And the world's pulse just keeps beating


Better..? question sweatdrop

Drakansa

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 15, 2006 9:14 am


It seems really good to me. I would just keep it as it is. Keep it up!
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The Cranky Writers' Guild

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