Welcome to Gaia! ::

Firstly, thanks to anyone that reads this.

Now. I KNOWKNOWKNOW my parents abuse me. They treat me like dirt.
They didn't used to. It started around the time I started having anxiety attacks, which was 5th grade. I'm trying to keep this somewhat short, so let me just put it simply. The family PETS get treated a hell of a lot better than I do.

I reallyreally just want to unload the whole story, but I can't, it'd make this a really long post.

Anyways, I met a guy two years ago. It was pretty much love at first sight, and in March he asked me out. I said yes, and was thrilled. My mom was happy for me after a while, even went so far as to like him as a person. Then, after quite a while of dating, we wanted to meet. (We'd met online). It was all good. He was less than a year older than me, treated me like a princess, and I'd never been happier. Before this visit, rules were laid down.
No continuous making out.
No sex.
And that was it.
We didn't make out continuously, and we never had, and still haven't had, sex.
But we hugged alot, and long story short, they set a rule that that, too, was wrong, and we got yelled at. But when they set that rule, the best part was that THEY DIDN'T TELL US. And then out of nowhere they blew up on me and treated me like a whore, saying I was constantly breaking the rules when I honest to God had no idea they even had a problem with it. They SMILED, GRINNED AT US WHEN WE HUGGED. They gave us that typical "Awwwwww" parental look. And then BOOM, I'm a slut, I'm dirty, I'm wrong. And I was told all of this.

Anyways, after that visit, almost a year or so later, I weasled my way into another visit. I wanted to risk it because I love him. It was for my 17th birthday.

Now, first of all, on the birthday. My mom started by guilt tripping me, saying "I can't get you any presents...I'm sorry." I said it was okay. Then she started getting mad. "I CAN'T GET YOU ANY PRESENTS!" And I still said it was okay. I was getting him, so it was okay. Then she said "I can only get you a few things."

I put it down to money problems. My birthday rolled around. Something I'm not proud of, but it's true. I've always been spoiled rotten.
My mom got pissed at me because SHE wanted me to have a birthday cake, and a dinner, and ice cream. She got mad at me for it, saying "YOU'RE SO UNGRATEFUL, I DID WHAT I COULD."
Then it becomes obvious there weren't money problems. Yeah we're pretty poor but not "OMGNOTHINGFORYOU" poor, especially at that time.

So needless to say I was shocked shitless to realize...she just didn't want to get me anything.

Anyways, while my boyfriend was here for the second time, he propsed. I was 17, yes, kind of young, but it's not like we're planning the wedding yet. It's more of a promise. I said yes. Anyways, it was the same as last time. We kept the hugging to a minimum, and instead held hands and such. This caused a bit of friction because my boyfriend thought I had something against him, but I didn't. Anyways, soon, the holding hands was too much. And that wasn't even all that often. When I got sick, I couldn't walk straight, so I leaned on him to walk into the hospital. My mom got livid and snapped at him, telling him to leave me alone. She even treated me horribly for being sick, like it had been my fault. I'd been sick for a month, but kept it quiet, but it turned out I had pneumonia.

Anyways, during this visit, we were even more well-behaved than the previous visit (at least in front of them >_>, and I know that was wrong, but still, I was 17, I can make some of my own choices) but one night my mom up and accuses me, while we're watching a movie "You're ruining my life right now! I can't sleep because I'm so worried about you two!"
During this time she was working with my father and had to go to bed early. We were allowed to watch 1 DVD a night after they went to bed, and we did. But she'd go to sleep, then wake up and say she HADN'T SLEPT AT ALL, and that it was our faults.

I KNOW she was asleep. I could hear her snore, I could hear her "I'm awake now" cough, and she never had dark rings under her eyes, or any signs of fatigue.

On the last day of the visit, it was a huge mess. I was crying in his arms one night, and she said I was "faking" and that I was just doing it so we'd oversleep and he'd miss his flight. Lies lies lies. He was homesick anyways.
She then proceeded to scream at me, force tears (I can tell when they're fake) and then gag herself in the bathroom and say I made her throw up.

Fact. As a slight ex-bulemic, I know the difference between being sick to your stomach and gagging yourself, and she gagged herself.

So that was a mess.

Nowadays, we haven't seen eachother again yet, as that was last October. But we're online together all the time, and on mic. I have to share the computer with her, so I play Gamecube and take the mic and headphones, and she takes the comp. During this, she listens to every word I say, and if it comes off as slightly perverted, even if it really isn't, she turns and snaps my head off.

But anyways, finally to the point. My fiance' and I have been going back and forth, trying to decide where we'll live. It used to be where he lives, which is England. I don't want to move there, so we changed it to America, providing I can afford it, which, I discovered recently, will be impossible. So we changed our decision to England recently, and finally.

When she thinks I'm moving to England, she treats me like s**t. She ignores me, she treats me like a slave (tells me to keep the house continuously clean, for no allowance, to earn my cigs. When I DO clean, they say I still haven't earned the cigs, and I clean spotless. And it's dirty a day later. And the next day, it's like it never happened in their eyes. Seeing as I get treated like s**t either way, I said "******** it" and don't do it anymore.) BACK on topic, she also is very distant from me, won't even treat me like a daughter. She almost treats me like some random kid living under her house. She gives me NO respect. Everything I do, I'm copping attitude.

When she thought I was staying here, it was okay. She was nicer to me, she was normal.

Now it's back to England. She's livid. She's trying to guilt trip me into staying, saying things like "You're just like your aunt!" (Whom also moved away). She treats me like once I'm gone, I can't come back. Once I'm gone, there's no more mom or dad for me, all I'll have is my fiance'. And that makes me feel so torn, and I've told her this. I want to be with my fiance' and she can't stand in my way. But they've used my GRANDMOTHER against me, telling me she could die at any moment, and I should be here. They use my pets against me, saying I can't take them with me. They use anything against me and guilt trip me all to hell, and it's just putting me into a constant state of confusion and depression.

The same thing happened this past Christmas. She told me "I can't afford anything for you."
Christmas, I opened up some presents from my other family members, and I had one, ONE from the woman who used to go psycho to make me happy. But since I met my boyfriend, nuh-uh. I once again put it down to money...only to see the next day, my dad had had a huge wad of cash the whole time. What's up with that? IT's not the present part that bothers me, it's the symbolism of it all, per se.

I've told her how I feel. I've told her everything. I even told her my suspicions of being abused, and she gets pissed. She goes rigid and ignores me even more than usual.

I really can't stand it anymore, it's putting me into some sort of .. I don't know. It doesn't feel right living here. I feel like I shouldn't be here, that it's all my fault, that everything I do is wrong.

Just because I REALLY need this off my chest...one day, my pet frogs died. I was crying as I was getting dressed for school. I asked my dad to take them from the cage and throw them away. He. Went. Nuts. He literally screamed at me, I couldn't even understand him. He picked up this silver handled razor blade, the kind of long stick that you push a button and it puts out a razor. He picked it up, slid out the razor and slung it at my head...it was two inches away from my eye socket, imbedded in the wall. There's a hole to prove it. I've kept that locked away forever, and when I finally told mom...she didn't care.

She also said I was lying when I told her my neighbor nearly raped me. She didn't care about that either.

I've tried so many times to post this, but it's hard. I don't know why, but it is. I feel...ashamed. The saddest part is that this is barely 10% of everything they've done to me.

I think I'm ashamed because I don't have the guts to do anything about it. I don't have the guts to tell the cops...just you guys. I can't tell the cops...I never will. I think that's really weak. But you have to understand...they're my family, and I love them, no matter what they've done to me. I hate them too...but I love them more, no matter what.

I guess I just want some advice on how to handle everything. I want to know what you think, whether it's just in my head that it's MY fault, or their fault. Maybe I'm just losing it? I just really need some help, guys.

Any advice besides "Tell someone", is very useful. Yeah, telling someone would be great...but no.

Thank you all, so much. I'm sorry it's so long.

Thank you, Nikolita, for lack of a nickname.

The reason I don't want to report my parents is because, this is my alst year here. My mom has pretty much turned my whole family against me, but this is my FAMILY, and I want my last year here not to be a complete mess. I mean, my entire family won't believe me, and all of them will hate me, and they're all I've ever had besides my fiance'. I want out of here now, but to spend a year away from the one person that keeps me sane through all this, and then have even more problems on my shoulders since my family will hate me...well, I don't want that.

An update, though.

Last night my mom and I had an argument. She went to bed, then my dad got called in to work late at night. They came back, and mom was once again trying to get the information out of me, because she'd been listening in on my conversation and figured out that I was really moving away. Finally I said, "Mom I'm SICK of this!"
And there was a pause, and then, "WELL FINE. ******** UP YOUR LIFE, DO WHATEVER THE ******** YOU WANT, I DON'T ******** CARE ANYMORE, YOU ******** PUNK!" then she slammed the door, and went in to the hallway still screaming about me.
She went into their room, and I could kind of hear her yelling at dad, and I think I heard my dad say, "Well fine, when she gets ready to leave say "******** YOU BYE"."

Then she came back AGAIN, and we talked a little more sanely, and she said,
"I hate him for disobeying us, I hate him for saying "******** your father" that day, I hate him just because I hate him."
And I said to her "Why don't you hate Tim for when he tried to rape me? With Luke (my fiance') I was consentual, we didn't have sex and that was the RULE, but anything that DID happen was my fault too."
And she gave me this look that said she didn't believe me, then she said, "Well with Tim, that was your fault."
She blamed me...I'd gone to his house thinking his older brother was there. I knew his brother would watch us, he acts more like a father for Tim. But when we got there, I thought his brother was in the bathroom, the door was closed and all. So I stayed and westarted watching a movie. Then I realized Tim was drunk and stoned, so I tried to leave and then he started...doing things. So I jumped up and ran.
And now I feel like that WAS my fault.

But now, like always, she's acting like nothing at all happened. You can feel the underlying hate, and she won't say much to me, but she acts like nothing happened...Would it really make sense to tell someone? Will I be put in a home until I'm 18? I'm really messed up about all of it.

But thank you so much for helping me.

Whenever I think your name in my head, I say Niko. XD

The thing with living with other relatives, is we all live close together (the only ones that can take me in, at least). My parents and I live in one half of a duplex, and my grandmother, step-grandfather, and one aunt live together in the other side. The rest of my family is too poor, or has no room. And my mom has manipulated my entire family against me, the situation, and my fiance'. They belive everything my mom says. If I tell them what's going (I've told my aunt Jamie that lives in SC), they run and tell her and I'm guilt tripped to hell for even thinking such a thing.

So I'm really stuck. But I think I'm going to just wait this out. I'm really scared they'll do everything in their power as it gets closer to time for me to leave, and it'll be close to hell for me, but...what can I do but hold my head high?

Oh and on another note, a reason I can't confront them is that they always say I'm "uncontrollable" and threaten me with juvey. I know my dad especially would lie about me, twisting situations desperately, to have me landed in there.

I've actually always wondered, if they hate me so much, why are they so desperate to keep me here? Is it a control thing?]

Thanks again for all of your help, you're a wonderful guild leader. And you weren't harsh at all before, you just spoke truth.

No other relatives, most of my family is pretty poor, especially right now. And no friends whatsoever.

The abuse has been going on for years, so I'm used to it. It gets me down sometimes but I try to ignore it.

My parents don't threaten to keep me here. What they do is just...it's hard to explain. They treat me like dirt. That's the easiest way to put it.
If I mention my fiance', or England, wham, everything gets out of control, so to say. They just act like I don't even matter anymore.

Seriously, since I stated I'm moving to England, I get yelled at for EVERYTHING. And not just my parents, my family that lives in the other half of the duplex is at it too. Like last night, I wanted to get some ice from next door, as we don't have any on this side. I got a baggy, was putting it in, and they treated me like I was stealing some kind of grand emerald from a museum. Like ice costs more than $2. They act like I don't deserve it, basically.

The police here are...odd. They believe parents more than children, in all the cases I've seen. When I had to talk to my school counselor about my school problems (Had to literally be dragged into school, kicking and screaming from a panic attack...), he had no idea. I figured if you see a kid shaking and crying in a corner you'd know something was up, but he put it down to me being a pest.

The cops would probably look into it, but either they'll do nothing or put me in a worse situation.

I figure if I call my parents out on this, I'll be taken somewhere, someplace where I have no idea what's going on, or who's who, and I'll never get to talk to my fiance', and he's the one that helps me through all of this, and I really don't want to lose contact with him, ESPECIALLY if I lose my family.
I might write down what happens though. Maybe I'll stick it in my journal.
That's a good idea, thanks. (:

Resonsible daughter, yes, I used to be. Then my anxiety attacks rolled around, my parents became monsters, and I threatened them with running away, I'd have panic attacks and try to run away, or when my dad would scream at me I'd scream back. Then finally I submitted, fuguring I could only deal with it. It was that or juvey.
Then my whole family started telling me I was making my mom's life a living hell. I Was wrecking her marriage, wrecking her nerves, and making her life crap. So after that I retreated to my room, and I've been her ever since.

No, my mom is sane as far as I know. I don't understand the way she works. Because she seriously used to be a wonderful mom. But then something happened, I don't know what, and I lost that side of my mom.
I wish I could explain it, but it's pretty hard.
Basically, when I was growing up before the attacks, she was a loving, caring I'll-do-anything-for-my-little-girl kind of mom. Now, the only time she really has anything to do with me is when she wants on my computer or yells at me.
Dad. Pffft. He yells no matter what. He hasn't said something civil or nice to me in forever. If he DOES do something nice, he seems angry with me about it, and even yells about five minutes later, like I didn't deserve it, but he had to keep up an act.

And thank you for the holding your head high thing, that was really sweet, and cheered me right up this morning. n____n.

I kind of feel like I'd like a psych to talk to, but we can't afford it. I know though, if things get much worse, I won't have much choice, I'll have to. But I hope it doesn't come to that.