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Oceaaaan
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NekoLaharl

PostPosted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 1:12 pm


This is a fairy tale I wrote a few weeks back. It didn't get a whole lot of attention on DA, so I want opinions/discussions about it. I put symbolism in it, so let me know what you spot!
Quote:
A long time ago, on an island far away lived a tribe of happy people. These people lived in perfect harmony with each other, and all were welcome. They worshipped the goddess of the ocean, which to them represented harmony and beauty, yet when angered, could destroy their entire island. When the tribes children are born, it is customary to let the children play in the ocean, so that they may receive the blessings of the goddess.

On this sunny, summer day, all the children who turned 4 gathered at the beach with their parents. This tribe was a fair skinned, blue eyed, and blonde haired tribe. All of the children reflected their parents beauty. However, there was one child who was not beautiful. He did not have any of the features of the tribe. The local children regarded him as ugly. His parents refused to even call him by his name. He received no love, because he was different. He was alone.

So he sat there, on the beach, watching all of the other children dance and play in the ocean. His parents looked at him in disdain. He wasn't even trying to communicate with the other children. He truly was a disgrace. The boy yearned for the attention of others. He wanted nothing more than to feel love from someone. From anyone. So he devised a plan.

He grabbed an inflatable tube, strapped it around him, and jumped straight into the cold, salty water. And he floated, into the deep ocean. Further and further he went, away from the island. One of the villagers spotted him, and brought him back. But he was rewarded with only more hatred. "How could you swim out that far!? Do you want the goddess to destroy our island?!" and the villager slapped hm hard across the face.

And so, every month, the same went on. The children would laugh and play, and the lone boy would float far into the ocean, and a villager would come to his aid, only to scold him. This same process continued, until he became a teenager. All of the other children had grown up, and become more masculine, and able to brave the waters. They could swim far, and all had a special bond with each other. The boy however, was nothing they would ever be.

Taunts and mockery turned into ignorance. Rock and sticks turned into invisibility. The children had completely forgotten about his existence. They no longer even noticed he existed. The lonely boys parents had cast him out when he turned 14. When boys became men, and could fend for themselves. But the little boy was still a little boy on the inside. He hadn't grown up, or matured.

And so, the time to worship the ocean goddess had arrived. All of the children, now fully fledged adults, went for a swim, while praising their love for their goddess, for their health, and for their harmony. But the lonely boy did not join in. Instead, he jumped into the ocean, floaty tube around his waist, and floated out to sea. But this time, no one came to his aid.

For 3 days, he floated. Waiting for the village to send out a search boat to rescue him. Hoping that someone -anyone- would come to his rescue. Maybe, somewhere on that lonely village, there was someone who cared enough to save him.

But no one came.

The boy began to cry. He cried because he knew he was insignificant. He cried because he knew that no one truly loved him. He cried because he was not born the same as the others. He cried because of his weakness. He cried because he was born. He wanted to go back. To prove to the village he was worth something. Try as he might however, he could not swim back. He did not have the strength or skill to. He continued to float. Some days, the ocean was calm and tranquil. Other days, vicious waves moved him in all directions. It was as though the ocean was a reflection of the pain he felt, as a person.

The boy floated for weeks. And eventually, settled into a slumber. As he did so, he heard a voice. It was a beautiful, majestic voice. "Do you yearn to join me, in my eternal slumber?"

"Yes." And so, the boy felt his body merge with the ocean, and he became the ocean itself. There, he met a woman, who was more beautiful than anyone he had ever seen. When they met, the woman hugged him. "You have led a hard life. I watched you, as you grew up. I hoped, that maybe someone would accept you, but no one would. But, I will accept you with open arms, if you will join me?" The boy realized who this was. It was the goddess of the ocean. The one everyone in the village worshiped.

The boy nodded. And like that, the boy and the girl became a single being. They shared stories together, happiness together, sadness together, and many other things. They felt each others pain and healed each others pain. The boy had finally found a place where he would be accepted.

What became of that village? No one knows. Some say that the ocean came and destroyed the little village, leaving it as nothing but a forgotten memory. Others say that the villagers eventually left, for another land.

The ocean God understood, that with no one to worship them, they would be forgotten over time. But neither one of them had cared. They had found their harmony. They found each other. They found the other person, who would make their lives complete.

And to them, that was all that had mattered.
PostPosted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 9:12 pm


I thoroughly enjoyed your story, and it did have a nice message of both karma, and what separation from those you perceive to be your own kind can do to a person, and how it feels to be completely excluded from something based solely on your looks.

Not to mention the angle which you had where the boy became a part of what those who were his peers, assumed that he would never understand because of his less than normal appearance.

It was charming, and well written, and it made me happy to read it, very heart warming which was a very pleasant twist after it seemed that the hero of the story was to meet a very bleak, and underserving end.


Mild Critique:

'...existence. They no longer even noticed he existed.'

Be careful using words that have the same root so close together, doing this creates an awkward sentence and makes the reader's inner voice sort of stop and go 'What?' It's not a massive thing, but it's one that can make or break a story to one of those annoying picky literature snobs that nobody likes. -_-

"The lonely boys parents had cast him out when he turned 14. When boys became men, and could fend for themselves. But the little boy was still a little boy on the inside. He hadn't grown up, or matured. "

The short sentence IS nice touch between the two longer sentences but it doesn't really go anywhere, therefore you don't really need it. While fragments are good to help the reader not be bogged down by details, they should be complete thoughts. 3nodding

"The ocean God...."

Careful with inconsistency here, you referred to it as a goddess for most of the story, then called he/she a god towards the very end. Once again, it's a nit picky thing that lit. snobs would impale you for, only because it makes you question the sex of one of the subjects, and it'll leave the character wondering if this subject is actually male or female. Especially since you called her a she just a few paragraphs ago.

OOOOO YOU HAVE DA?
LINKMELINKMELINKME. I'll watch you. <3

Citrus Novii

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NekoLaharl

PostPosted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 9:44 pm


Citrus Novii
I thoroughly enjoyed your story, and it did have a nice message of both karma, and what separation from those you perceive to be your own kind can do to a person, and how it feels to be completely excluded from something based solely on your looks.

Not to mention the angle which you had where the boy became a part of what those who were his peers, assumed that he would never understand because of his less than normal appearance.

It was charming, and well written, and it made me happy to read it, very heart warming which was a very pleasant twist after it seemed that the hero of the story was to meet a very bleak, and underserving end.


Mild Critique:

'...existence. They no longer even noticed he existed.'

Be careful using words that have the same root so close together, doing this creates an awkward sentence and makes the reader's inner voice sort of stop and go 'What?' It's not a massive thing, but it's one that can make or break a story to one of those annoying picky literature snobs that nobody likes. -_-

"The lonely boys parents had cast him out when he turned 14. When boys became men, and could fend for themselves. But the little boy was still a little boy on the inside. He hadn't grown up, or matured. "

The short sentence IS nice touch between the two longer sentences but it doesn't really go anywhere, therefore you don't really need it. While fragments are good to help the reader not be bogged down by details, they should be complete thoughts. 3nodding

"The ocean God...."

Careful with inconsistency here, you referred to it as a goddess for most of the story, then called he/she a god towards the very end. Once again, it's a nit picky thing that lit. snobs would impale you for, only because it makes you question the sex of one of the subjects, and it'll leave the character wondering if this subject is actually male or female. Especially since you called her a she just a few paragraphs ago.

OOOOO YOU HAVE DA?
LINKMELINKMELINKME. I'll watch you. <3

Thank you for the critique! I do have one thing to correct you on though:

At the end, the Goddess and the boy merged. They became ONE. They became the same person. They don't really have a gender anymore. They simply are a being. The Ocean Goddess fell in love with the boy because of his constant escapades to the ocean every year. So in order to save his life, she merged with him. And, it allowed them to be together. Maybe I wasn't very clear there. I'm a noob. sweatdrop

Anyways, thanks for the criticism. I'm attempting to get better at it, but it's not boding well ^^

also, my da is here
PostPosted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 9:46 pm


OOOOOOOOOOH, I see, I must have missed that part.
I read over it a second time and it's all like, /derpface

You're welcome, and hooooraaay! DA <3
I shall watch you.

Practice, practice, practice, it's all you can do. 3nodding

Citrus Novii

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shappyshap

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 9:58 pm


Nice Story!
(Much better than what I could have ever wrote) xd
PostPosted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 9:04 pm


I am impressed with both the story and the critique, nice stuffs


Sagebomb

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GoldDiggingWhore
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 16, 2010 11:00 am


Bravo, Laharl. You know, back when you posted that story that TJ was all fanatical about, for some reason I never got around to reading it. Because I suck. Like this story another friend of mine sent me that she wanted me to read that I haven't gotten around to. For over five years. I am an awful, terrible friend sweatdrop

First thing that I thought of when you described the tribe though was, "NAZI TRIBE!" I was getting Ugly Duckling vibes from that boy.
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