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Are there other dorm buildings you can enter access? If so, maybe you and Tiki can use their kitchen in case the over is broken. That's what some of the students who lived in the my dorm years did. Some of the people go to other people's dorm because their dorm building appliance is either broken/used/ or because they want to. Heck, I even took one of the other dorm building's shower because my whole dorm building waterpipe because they needed to fix the pipes. LOL XD

Didnt you say you were going to go rest, as you've been up a good chunk of the night? Go to bed, Skrimir.

No, because that is cannibalism, and is frowned upon in many societies.

While this IS the Skrimir and Tiki cook thread... I am on holiday and spending time with my family. Which means I'll be cooking something by myself this time. Warning! This is an image-heavy post, so all images will be thumbnailed. Click to see larger versions, please.

This time, we'll be cooking HELLPOTATO DEATHFIRE CAKES.

Latkes. They're called latkes, dear.

Mom, please...

Honestly Skrimir, what kind of barbarian did I raise...?

All right, this is Skrimom, and she will be cooking with me today. HELLPOTATO DEATHC-... I mean latkes, are delicious and easy to make, but hard to master. And when they're done you can eat them just as a meal, or as a side to some other food. Preferably meat. And best of all, they're cheap. Really cheap. As in, somehow conjures an impressive amount of food out of a tiny amount of ingredients!

Now, there are rules. Latke rules. Rule number one, every family makes latkes with a different technique. Rule number two, every family's latkes are the best latkes. Rule three, you will never be able to prove to me that any other inferior, disreputable latkes could ever outdo mine!

...

Get to it, you lazy cub! Show the nice audience our family honor.

All right, then. So you will need:

One less large, starchy potato than you have people dining.
One less egg than you have potatoes.
Salt.
Water.
Flour.
Vegetable oil.
A punched vegetable grater.
A large mixing bowl.
Frying pans.
Ladle.
Fork.
A baking rack and pan you can put the finished products on, I guess.

Every part of this recipe is somewhat approximate; this is the fruit of generations of cooking our own damn food and some of the measurements and techniques come down to experience. When you try this, you will have to experiment to find out exactly what is best. But this is what works for us.

So first we start with some potatoes.


You don't want little baby potatoes. You want large, meaty potatoes. The kind of potatoes you can't use for anything else, because THIS is their calling in life! You don't want them sweet, you want them starchy. Perhaps you want them even a little old. This is a way to use them up.

Just wash them, you don't have to do anything to them, like cut them up or peel them. Just make sure they're clean.

Now, on the left is the grater we shall use. The grater on the right is inferior for our purposes. I will show you why now:


Look closely at the patterns of the serrated edge of these beorc tools. The one on the left is punched inward simply, creating a little star. The one on the right is set up to grate in only one direction, producing little fine strings or strands. Some families prefer to make latkes of little potato strings. Bah, I say! That is not the way we do it in this household! I will not lower my latkes to being little more than heavy, glorified hash browns!

And thus the left one is the correct choice. In using it, you will produce a fine slush of the potato. Make with it, dear.

Mom, we can't use the food processor? It would be much easier...

What a stupid thing to say. The food processor does liquify it, yes, but I have never been able to get it exactly right. So you will use elbow grease like your great-grandmother taught you this instant!

I am holding the camera...

Fine. I will do the first potato. You will do all of the rest. We all know you look ridiculous on camera, anyway.


Crack your eggs into the bowl. I won't show cracking eggs, because you all know what cracking eggs looks like. Mix it all together until its even. Then you add about this much salt:


And a heaping tablespoon or two of flour.


While Skirmir is over there, I will be heating the pans. You will be frying these, in oil. Not a little bit of oil. What do you think this is, some sort of heron salad? You want about half a centimeter of oil in the pan. Here is about how much:


What, are you afraid of getting fat? When this oil is hot enough, the latkes will not absorb much of it. If your latkes are heavy, your oil is too cold! Whip those latkes into shape!

While mom is over there yelling at the oil while it gets hot, I kind of notice that this mixture isn't as soupy as we need. You want it to be pretty watery, but it depends how much water the potato has in it. It's too goopy and solid, so I am just going to add a little water. You want a consistency that has no resistance when you stir it with a spoon.


You also want it to be the ugliest sludge in the universe. Notice I said nothing about peeling the potatoes? Yeah, it's supposed to be that color. Nobody will notice, and it tastes the same.

When your pan is mostly hot enough, water droplets thrown into it will sputter and dance. You will want to take a small scoop of watery batter with your ladle and put it into the hot oil. It should spread out to about the size of a CD. Uh...


That oil is not hot enough, Skrimir. What did I tell you? Now you have a shameful soggy latke. Make that pan hotter, add more water to that mix. THIS is how they're supposed to look.


They have a ring of hellpotato deathfire around them.

You will know when to flip them over when you can grab them with a fork and they do not fall apart. Fancy flippers, spatulas, and spoons are not allowed! We reach into the spitting oil with a fork and turn them like proper cooks.


They will get these lacy edges on them, if you do it correctly. OK, time to flip this one over... ARGH! HOT!


You take your x3 fire damage multiplier like a man now, Skrimir. I didn't raise a pussycat. Just be glad I'm not making you reach in with your fingers.

Ouch ack, ok, this one's done and ready to come out. Here. Lacy edges:


They should also be solid and firm: crispy enough to stand up on their own like this. Here, I made a little fort.


I am demolishing your fort. You must serve these out for dinner now.

You wrecked my latke house! And you called me the barbarian.

Do you want to eat dinner or not? Smarmy cubs get no dinner.

All right, all right! You serve latkes with sour cream, if you want, or just have them plain. We had these with some leftover holiday food: goose and some new roast beef to supplement the dwindling carcass.


Enjoy!

As the familial holiday season winds down... Skrimom was able to get one more act of forced labor out of me.

Tamales.

Hundreds of tamales.



This is not hundreds. This is approximately 50. We had many of these batches. Yes, each one is individually wrapped, yes, they are individually formed, and YES, they are kick-your-pants-off-and-make-love delicious. Only something this delicious could drive Skrimir to have the patience and diligence to devote two days to making these things.

Also, my mother pressganging me into the assembly had something to do with it. There is no such thing as making only 'some' tamales. You have to make ALL of the tamales!

WARNING. This does take at least two days of work! WARNING! This does have enough hand labor for three to four people involved! WARNING! This makes approximately 150-250 tamales, depending on how big you like tamales. The tamales I made were a little smaller than a cigar, and a serving was about two tamales. Although some people like them larger, I recommend small tamales. Why?

BECAUSE THESE ARE INCREDIBLY BAD FOR YOU. THEY WOULD NOT BE DELICIOUS OTHERWISE. Eating one or two small ones is OK, but nobody, and I MEAN NOBODY should be noshing on giant tamales in large numbers.

Small tamales are surprisingly light and delicious. Large tamales are heavy and satisfying... but as you can see below the ingredients are NOT something you want to overdose on! Tamale moderation, folks!

So, this is how you make tamales. But not all at once. The first day, we prepare the tamale meat filling. The rest is tomorrow.

INGREDIENTS:
-6 pounds of a fatty, stringy pork cut such as shoulder. This is not for lean meat. You need the fat. And the bones. Or even the skin if you've got it.
-A dozen or so fresh, hot chili peppers. They can be of any variety you want, but if you ask me, ERR ON THE SIDE OF SPICY. Add WAY too many. This dish actually gets less spicy when it is complete, so if you think your mix is OK, chances are it will lose that bite once assembled and steamed. My family uses fresnos, serranos, tepins, yellows, mirabels, jalapenos, mirasols, cayennes... anything we can find that's not as hot as a habenero, which is a bit too overwhelming for tamales.
-About 10 dried New Mexico dried chile pepper pods. Other dried peppers are OK but New Mexico peppers work the best for some reason...
- About 15-25 other hotter dried peppers, such as tiny pequins, cascabels, or arbols... whatever you can find.
-One onion
-Some Garlic
-Some salt
-One can or bottle of beer. Or water, I guess?
- More water
-1.5-2 tsp dried cumin (comino)
- 2 tsp dried oregano
Equipment as mentioned.

PROCEDURE, DAY ONE:

So take your dried peppers.


De-seed them. A lot of the heat is in the seeds, but we want the pepper flavor, and the incindiary seeds can overpower it if you aren't careful.

BONUS STAGE: Save some of the incindiary seeds for later.

Toss those peppers into a container that has your beer (or water) in it.



Either way works. This is so we can reconstitute them. Put them aside. Now take your fresh peppers and some FIRE and ROAST those unlucky sons.


You want their skins to get all blackened and blistery. Even burned. You want them roasted. Not carbonized. But very done. This is not gentle. When they look like this:



put them carefully in a paper bag to sweat. While your peppers are cooling off a bit, take a look at this MEAT!



THE MEAT



THE MEAT



Hack this up into chunks about an inch thick. If there is skin, shred that into very fine bits. Bones go in whole. Put it all in a pot like this.


Then chop up an onion and add it in.



Garlic can come too.



I swear, there is no major recipie I will ever make that does not involve chopping some freaking onions and garlic.

OK, so your hot peppers should be done cooling by now. Open up the bag and pull them out. Now, to get rid of those weird fibrous skins, run them under a faucet and rub them.



Also, pull off the tops and split them down the middle with your thumb to wash out the seeds. NOTE: depending on the pepper variety, the more delicate may want to wear gloves/mask/hazmat gear, because doing this with moderately hot serrano peppers feels like .5 of GETTING MACED IN THE EYES. Uncontrollable coughing fits, etc. Also, don't touch any unmentionables, babies, or other sensitive things after handling hot peppers. Seriously, don't mess with hot peppers. Don't do it. evil

Here is a naked pepper for the curious.



Now you don't have to worry about those weird little cigar-rolls of pepper skin in your meat! OK, so remember those peppers? Toss 'em in. Remember those spices up there in the ingredients? Toss 'em in. Cover it all with water.



Ugly? Great.

Now but this bad boy on to simmer for at least 6 hours. Preferably on the back burner for a whole day. Before you eat dinner, turn it off and let it cool down a bit. Before you go to sleep, put it in the fridge or the cooler once it's room temperature.

Relax. Now you don't have to do anything for a whole day...

A whole day until you will NEED slaves for

HARD

MANUAL

LABOR!

Tune in next time!