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 Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 12:35 pm
My Gaurdian Angel...and Demon
Surrounded by pain and sadness
i cry out for you,
scream for you.
you appear to me,
glistening in the light
as you attack the fleeing shadows.
Your glowing wings embrace me,
protecting me from the darkness
that trys to envelope me.
You fight off my pain
like my own knight in shining armor,
keeping me safe from the hatred that is spreading in this world
like a virus.
To me you are my gaurdian angel,
always there when i need you most,
but to those you fight you are a demon of death,
not protecting a pure soul...but a ghost.
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Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:03 pm
Quiiiiick comment (or maybe not so quick ninja ). And please don't take offense? I only pick on this because I have the same issue, namely I tend to be very abstract in my poems. Which is what I see here, too.
By abstract, I mean terms and ideas that are vague and up to interpretation because they lack any concrete imagery. For example, in your very first line you have "Surrounded by pain and sadness" (italics mine, and in addition to being absract, both words are a bit cliche, meaning you could lose readers before they even make it past the first line of your poem). The issue with this is that really both pain and sadness can mean anything, all depending on what your reader thinks, and this leaves your reader wondering what you mean and why it matters.
This is where metaphors and imagery and the like play in.
Basically, to strengthen your poem, what I suggest you could do is take those vague, abstract nouns and replace them with something concrete that your reader can envision. This pulls your reader into experiencing your poem rather than just reading it. So, instead of "pain" and "sadness," you could have "Surrounded by thorns that choke, that weave around my limbs and the tattered sheets of tainted memories, i cry out for you." Not really a great example, but the idea is that the reader should get a sense of pain and loss (or sadness) without you stating as much.
A few more examples of absract nouns in this piece are "pain" in L10, "hatred" in L12, "death" in L16, and "soul" in L17 (hopefully I got the line numbers right). Also, while not technically absract, words like "shadows" and "darkness" could also be replaced with something stronger, if only because both have become quite cliche.
Whew. I so lied when I said this would be quick. Sorry about that.
Another thing (not really a major issue) are your line breaks. They're a bit...random? Or maybe I'm missing a pattern. In any case, I would just suggest that you even them up a bit.
And last thing (promise): There are a few grammatical issues in here--if you don't mind, I can go through and edit them for you. Just let me know if you would like me to do so. ^^
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Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:08 pm
i like this a lot. it's really cool. xd
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Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:17 pm
thanks for the comments^_^, ya my poem is quiet cliché,a bad habit i get into,my imagery isn't great here so i see what you mean. As for the randomness,it's just the way i typed it,i dont think there really was a pattern behind it^_^ and for gramatical errors could you please let me know^_^.
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Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:29 pm
Here ya go. ^^Quote: Surrounded by pain and sadness [This is the only capital you use in the piece--you might have meant for it to be like that, but I would suggest that you either use a lower case here or that you capitalize the beginnings of your other sentences.]i cry out for you, scream for you. you appear to me, glistening in the light as you attack the fleeing shadows. your glowing wings embrace me, protecting me from the darkness that trys to envelope me. you fight off my pain , [I'm fairly certain the comma isn't needed here--you might want to get a second opinion first, though.] like my own knight in shining armor, keeping me safe from the hatred that is spreading in this world , [Same deal as with the other comma.] like a virus. to me you are my gaurdian angel, always there when i need you most, but to those you fight you are a demon of death, not protecting a pure soul , but a ghost.
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Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:30 pm
Thanks^_^, your comments are always helpful ^_^
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Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:42 pm
unseen shadow moon Thanks^_^, your comments are always helpful ^_^
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Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:52 pm
it's no problem ^_^ of and when you said: TheAntiBella "Surrounded by thorns that choke, that weave around my limbs and the tattered sheets of tainted memories, i cry out for you." it gave me a good idea for a new poem,though the imagery wont be as good as what you have suggested,i just wanted to say thanks for the inspiration and i hope you see it ^_^
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