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 Posted: Sat Jul 31, 2010 10:08 pm
TheAntiBella So, I have an unfinished new poem that I don't particularly like, so if someone could give me suggestions that would be most awesome. okay. one thing though: no gold please. thank you. Quote: You tell me this is wrong and this is true. this isn't a very engaging first line or idea. in my opinion, the first line of a poem should hook a person right away so that the person, now interested, continues to read. your line seems to convey that this person is imposing their ideas of right and wrong on you but we don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. is this person telling you like hitler or jesus? i think that mentioning things that 'ought' be wrong and right, we as the readers might be able to discern what this person is like. Quote: Your smile stretches with the satisfaction that comes from feeding on the cough syrup this is still vague seeing as how some of your readers will say "ooh, candy!" some might actually have a cough, or that this is to poison; what sort of smile is it? a sneer/evil smile, or a less sinister, light-hearted sincere smile? i can't really tell because it's still in the gray. went to sleep; might be back tomorrow; pm me if not.
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Posted: Sun Aug 01, 2010 9:31 am
2pound okay. one thing though: no gold please. thank you. 2pound this isn't a very engaging first line or idea. in my opinion, the first line of a poem should hook a person right away so that the person, now interested, continues to read. your line seems to convey that this person is imposing their ideas of right and wrong on you but we don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. is this person telling you like hitler or jesus? i think that mentioning things that 'ought' be wrong and right, we as the readers might be able to discern what this person is like. 2pound this is still vague seeing as how some of your readers will say "ooh, candy!" some might actually have a cough, or that this is to poison; what sort of smile is it? a sneer/evil smile, or a less sinister, light-hearted sincere smile? i can't really tell because it's still in the gray. 2pound went to sleep; might be back tomorrow; pm me if not.
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Posted: Mon Aug 09, 2010 1:26 pm
So, in addition to being a very bad writer and going on to write new s**t before I've edited the stuff I have, I actually went and wrote a few haikus and senryus. Um, two of each? But, yeah, I really don't like the syllable restrictions that are imposed by these forms because I think they make things unnecessarily difficult, but since I'm lecturing someone else about the use of the senryu and going on about how the syllable restrictions aren't an excuse for lazy writing, I figured I should attempt to write a couple myself. You know, that way I can make a point from experience. Anyway, I think my favorite of these is the last one, but, um, it's weird? So I dunno.Quote: Teeth
The frost bites the grass
And creeps up the windowsill:
Winter's icy teeth.
Sighting
Flaming fur sets fire
To the path's dry crinkled grass,
Gone in an instant.
Aging
Old bones creak, weathered
By years and too much passion,
Solid beneath flesh.
Bittersweet
She breathes snakes and ice
And he feels her lips slither,
Shiver down his neck.
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Posted: Mon Aug 09, 2010 11:46 pm
My favorite Haiku is, Teeth. I like how you gave winter a kind of physical form. It makes the imagery come to life.
My favorite Senryu is, Bittersweet. It's kind of interesting with snakes and ice as this girl's breath. I like how it goes togeher.
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Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:38 pm
within love My favorite Haiku is, Teeth. I like how you gave winter a kind of physical form. It makes the imagery come to life. My favorite Senryu is, Bittersweet. It's kind of interesting with snakes and ice as this girl's breath. I like how it goes togeher.
And, just to double check (since last time I sent a trade without asking, the commenter didn't want it), would you like a bit of gold for your comment? 'Cause giving out gold for comments and critiques is part of my devious ploy to get more people reading my stuff. ninja
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Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 10:59 pm
TheAntiBella within love My favorite Haiku is, Teeth. I like how you gave winter a kind of physical form. It makes the imagery come to life. My favorite Senryu is, Bittersweet. It's kind of interesting with snakes and ice as this girl's breath. I like how it goes togeher.
And, just to double check (since last time I sent a trade without asking, the commenter didn't want it), would you like a bit of gold for your comment? 'Cause giving out gold for comments and critiques is part of my devious ploy to get more people reading my stuff. ninja I'm glad you liked my comment. ^^ I usually wouldn't accept gold, but since I'm actually saving up for my ultimate avi, it wouldn't hurt. sweatdrop Your stuff is really good, more people need to start reading it!!!
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Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 11:42 pm
within love I'm glad you liked my comment. ^^ I usually wouldn't accept gold, but since I'm actually saving up for my ultimate avi, it wouldn't hurt. sweatdrop Your stuff is really good, more people need to start reading it!!!
Awww, thank you. c: Poetry isn't my typical genre, so it's nice to know that it manages to entertain some people. I really struggle with it sometimes--I like prose so much better.
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Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 11:53 pm
TheAntiBella within love I'm glad you liked my comment. ^^ I usually wouldn't accept gold, but since I'm actually saving up for my ultimate avi, it wouldn't hurt. sweatdrop Your stuff is really good, more people need to start reading it!!!
Awww, thank you. c: Poetry isn't my typical genre, so it's nice to know that it manages to entertain some people. I really struggle with it sometimes--I like prose so much better.if you can take a look at my profile it should be right there. Plus I have 3 other avis I'm working towards... sweatdrop Proses are kind of interesting. I've only written two of them if I remember correctly. I like them cause you can just speak your mind.
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Posted: Thu Aug 12, 2010 12:06 am
within love if you can take a look at my profile it should be right there. Plus I have 3 other avis I'm working towards... sweatdrop Proses are kind of interesting. I've only written two of them if I remember correctly. I like them cause you can just speak your mind.
By prose I mean anything other than poetry, particularly fiction--short stories, novels, etc. You may be aware of this, but I just felt there was a misunderstanding since you say in your profile that you like to write stories, and I would assume that you have more than two. heart
Are you perhaps thinking of prose poetry?
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Posted: Thu Aug 12, 2010 12:22 am
TheAntiBella Unfortunately, the only thing I have are the goth boots, which...wouldn't do you much good in the first place since they're really cheap, yeah? Not to mention you already have them. sweatdrop Sorry!
By prose I mean anything other than poetry, particularly fiction--short stories, novels, etc. You may be aware of this, but I just felt there was a misunderstanding since you say in your profile that you like to write stories, and I would assume that you have more than two. heart
Are you perhaps thinking of prose poetry? It's alright, those items are really high up... ^^, Don't worry about it. Yes, I do have more than two stories. xd I was talking about two random little rants that I went on... Prose poetry...? Hm... not quite sure what that is. sweatdrop If you wouldn't mind explaining...?
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Posted: Thu Aug 12, 2010 7:12 am
within love It's alright, those items are really high up... ^^, Don't worry about it. Yes, I do have more than two stories. xd I was talking about two random little rants that I went on... Prose poetry...? Hm... not quite sure what that is. sweatdrop If you wouldn't mind explaining...?
Ah, gotcha. ^^ Rants can be quite fun.
Prose poetry is basically poems that apply the characteristics of free verse poetry (imagery, metaphor, rhythm, alliteration, assonance, cadence, compression of thought, etc.) while--instead of line breaks--it's written in paragraph format. I've never written one myself, but here's an example I pulled up from the web:Eclipse by J. Karl Bogartte The moon of several centuries had become a slender thread between a pool of golden hair, with it's whispering knives, and the last normal shadow that spins around the matriarchal word: "Clairvoyance"... the word that has always been formed with a weapon in mind, an almost transparent female-like weapon, and the precise nature of kissing the darkness while it sleeps, turns on its axis and begins to hum, emitting tiny droplets of edible light. A stone has been thrown, a fire lit and a great shadow cast... Now only the animals can speak. Now only the sheer lace-work of volcanic bells, heard most clearly when caught on the edge of a lost step, point in an earthbound fashion to the lover's hunger... when she captures, subdues with her antlers, trowels into a face-like honeycomb and lowers her mouth to feed. Only the stars can be seen in the spine when it turns into dust. A wolf induced fountain carves a delicate pathology of 'hide and seek', 'lost and found' and 'never the twain shall meet'. Blood forms the veil... Yet, there is the mirrored reflex, a sideways glance, an hypnotic movement that mimics the witch's circular spell, gazing at endless transformations. The pistil and stamen are ground up in the doorway, and one might inhale sparks if the wrong direction is taken...but is there such a travesty as a wrong direction? Is there not evidence enough to suggest that all directions are taken at once? Sparks are everywhere, seen through every door... The witch is the key that opens every lock... An exhaled breath unravels for the light, and splits the shadow of hurried embraces into a great cornice of unbelievable angles... their speed of change increasing with every glance. What is it that measures the alchemy of a body flooded with light? If, for the sake of argument, the wolf's prey emits a strange shimmering light while being eaten, what is it that most resembles the last kiss, or a phantom limb?
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Posted: Thu Aug 12, 2010 7:40 am
So, the following poem isn't new. I wrote it a little while back and tried to get some critique on it in the OP/L in one of the critique threads? Anyway, it never actually got critiqued, really, because the person who's running the thread had computer issues and though he gave me some advice over the phone, it was kind of vague and non-specific. So.
The issue I'm having with it is that I'm not sure if the imagery is consistent or that I transition well from one metaphor to another. I also use the word "dust" twice, but I can't think of a good replacement for the second dust. Ideas?
faith
hallelujah is just a word heavy
with vowels, a guttural moan
on the tip of the believer’s
tongue and mine, cracked
as it is with the dry dust
of unsaid prayers, the remnants
of their deaths a brocade
across my lips.
I don't speak, afraid to lose
this dust of forgotten faith
in one sided conversations
when now silence stretches
out like bare linoleum,
and I scrabble to peel it up,
nails scraping, breaking,
searching for answers
carved into the floorboards
that lie beneath.
I envy those who see the world
as glass, who can see straight
through it to the divine heart
where it beats--if there's a heart
at all. I wouldn't know, I don't see,
and I'm not sure if I can believe
in hidden hearts and buried
words when I know even glass
can refract the truth until it bends
to reflect what we want to see.
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Posted: Thu Aug 12, 2010 11:12 pm
TheAntiBella So, the following poem isn't new. I wrote it a little while back and tried to get some critique on it in the OP/L in one of the critique threads? Anyway, it never actually got critiqued, really, because the person who's running the thread had computer issues and though he gave me some advice over the phone, it was kind of vague and non-specific. So.
The issue I'm having with it is that I'm not sure if the imagery is consistent or that I transition well from one metaphor to another. I also use the word "dust" twice, but I can't think of a good replacement for the second dust. Ideas?
faith
hallelujah is just a word heavy
with vowels, a guttural moan
on the tip of the believer’s
tongue and mine, cracked
as it is with the dry dust
of unsaid prayers, the remnants
of their deaths a brocade
across my lips.
I don't speak, afraid to lose
this dust of forgotten faith
in one sided conversations
when now silence stretches
out like bare linoleum,
and I scrabble to peel it up,
nails scraping, breaking,
searching for answers
carved into the floorboards
that lie beneath.
I envy those who see the world
as glass, who can see straight
through it to the divine heart
where it beats--if there's a heart
at all. I wouldn't know, I don't see,
and I'm not sure if I can believe
in hidden hearts and buried
words when I know even glass
can refract the truth until it bends
to reflect what we want to see. This is really good.The imagery seems consistant to me. Hm... Some of the lines seem to make run-on sentences. Not that it's a bad thing here. Maybe adding in some pauses might help a bit. But otherwise it seems great. (hope I didn't sound like an a**....) Here is a suggestion for the second dust: I don't speak, afraid to lose this fragment of forgotten faith in one sided conversations when now silence stretches out like bare linoleum, and I scrabble to peel it up, nails scraping, breaking, searching for answers carved into the floorboards that lie beneath. Hope that helps a bit! heart
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Posted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 1:51 am
within love This is really good.The imagery seems consistant to me.
within love Hm... Some of the lines seem to make run-on sentences. Not that it's a bad thing here. Maybe adding in some pauses might help a bit. But otherwise it seems great.
Ah, yeah, me and my long sentences. redface Though, actually, I don't think any of these are run-ons--or at least, I can't pick 'em out, so if you could point out what you think are run-ons, that would be awesome.
(Gah. Stupid coding won't work. Ignore the ugliness.)
within love (hope I didn't sound like an a**....)
Not at all. You could tell me that it sucks and that you hated it more than any other poem you've read before and as long as you gave me a reason as to why and what I could do to improve, I would be glad for your opinion. ^^
within love Here is a suggestion for the second dust: I don't speak, afraid to lose this fragment of forgotten faith in one sided conversations
THANK YOU! Yeah, "fragment" works good here AND it adds to the alliteration. I LOVE alliteration. heart
within love Hope that helps a bit! heart
'Tis very helpful, danke. :3
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Posted: Sun May 22, 2011 7:01 pm
Synthetic
Our roads are paved with gods
and cults that were slaughtered
by old religions.
Careful.
You'll slip in their blood
and slice your hands on the teeth
of long dead deities.
Don't mourn them.
Our shelves are lined with a multitude
more, lifeless eyes waiting to spark
with the life your belief breathes into them.
What kind would you like?
There are desert gods gritty with sand
and the flaking blood of their victims,
their breath hot on the back of your neck
with furnace heated fury.
Or maybe you'd prefer the bloodied corpses
of the martyred gods, some rough
like the wood they died on--
do not touch or they'll splinter
you through with guilt and judgment
--others are soft with smiles
and healing hands that only heal
in conjunction with doctors, medicine,
yourself.
And then there are the American gods,
bright with artificial colors and garish
re-imagining of ancient cultures
reinvented to fit our one nation
under God or gods.
You ask me: “Which one is true?”
And the answer is
all of them.
none of them.
you have to choose.
Now, see, this is why I usually stick to prose. ):
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