Welcome to Gaia! ::

Sanctuary for Role Play

Back to Guilds

We offer a friendly environment in which all levels of role players may participate in each other's stories. 

Tags: sanctuary for role play, friendly, anime, literate, discussion 

Reply ~Writers~
No name yet, sorry

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

Walter has ganado

3,850 Points
  • Signature Look 250
  • Dressed Up 200
  • Tycoon 200
PostPosted: Fri May 21, 2010 2:17 pm


I was walking down the street. The calm, quiet street. The sun was streaming through the glass chimes hanging from the shut down stores windows and doors. I let out a sigh as I continued down the road. The town was made in 1876, and became a ghost town in 1998. The whole town was drowned in a flash flood, only a few families left alive. As I stare up at my old bedroom window I remember the old town, the ice cream man coming by, the laughs of children that still haunt my dreams. It's all my dad's fault, he accepted a job here in 1997. I was 13, being a big city girl I never fit in, but there was always this one boy who was there when I was, herbert. He also moved here, but a year earlier. Both of us were outcasts, laughed at and teased by all of the other kids. About a year later the dam was finished. That was the first time he talked to me, he told me he was going to go break it, put an end to this blasted hell on earth. I told him he was mad, he said he was creative. I slammed the door on him, and let him try. Before I knew it, I was neck deep in my room with water. I remember looking out of my window, and seeing Herbert swim by, glaring at me. After that was a blur. All I can remember after that is waking up in the city, interviewers all around bugging me with questions. I was fourteen, I didn't know what to say, in fact, I only payed attention to one comment. "Miss, you are one of the few people left." My memories were cut by a crow cawing. I looked up at it. "Taking a trip down memory lane to?" I asked it laughing a bit. I took a step forward and swung open the rotting door. Seeing the animals all over and the decaying walls and furniture brought tears to my eyes. I walked up the stairs and toward my room. It was the only room with the door wide open. I walked through the door, into my room, reeking of stale water. The window was broken and walls caved in. I smiled, seeing my favorite toy on the corner of my bed. A stuffed animal bear. I walked over to it and picked it up, a wide smile on my face. I put it in my bag. I let out a sigh as I looked around. I then noticed a patch of grass and flowers in the corner of my room. I walked over to it, and crouched down to look at it. Behind it I saw my Diary. I grabbed it and flipped through it. "In tact," I grinned. I put it in my bag, and grabbed the key that was behind it. I walked over to my bed and pushed it over to the side to reveal a loose floorboard. I opened it and grabbed a small paper bag that I got from an old paper route that was full of stuff. That was also put in the bag. I walked to the door and pulled out my camera and took a picture. I let out a sigh and put the camera back into my bag. I ran to my parents room and opened the door. I looked around, the room brought me to tears. My parents were also lost in the flood. I walked over to the bed, and sat down. I opened my mothers drawer on her bedside table and found her wedding rings. I pulled them out and put them on the finger next the one with my rings. I reached over to my fathers side and pulled out his glasses. I smiled now, not crying but tearing, as I put them in teh bag carefully. I was about to pull out my camera to take a picture, but didn't. I thought that the room should remain in my dreams. I left the house and headed back up the street to my car. I got in and started the motor. I hesitated to drive away but did in the end. "Good bye Oak Waters," I said to the old town as if it were real as I drove away.
PostPosted: Fri May 21, 2010 2:18 pm


This would be the first chapter in the short story thing I am writing. Post more as I think them up! (Post any questions or comments)

Walter has ganado

3,850 Points
  • Signature Look 250
  • Dressed Up 200
  • Tycoon 200

Daraith

4,150 Points
  • Befriended 100
  • Person of Interest 200
  • Friendly 100
PostPosted: Wed Jun 23, 2010 7:16 pm


I think that it is hastily written. Unless this is a really short story and this is a quick intro, in which case it still needs a good amount of depth to it, it barely gives any specifics on what happened. I can understand that it was a flood and a lot of people died and all, but you only spent a sentence or two describing what happened.

Another thing that seems unstable is the continuity of the writing. There are a few points where it just jumps to a point randomly. First you wrote about the present tense (time A), and then jumped to background information (topic C). Directly after that, you began refering to a memory of the character (time B). Time A took up the first three sentences while topic C and time B only were given a single sentence each. In order to prevent this kind of rapid swip-swapping, try to elaborate on these ideas, starting new paragraphs to give background information to the audience and then return to the plot after that. That allows story depth.

One last thing; the dialogue and the character reaction seem a bit off. Instead of saying that 'someone commented "miss, you are blah blah blah"', you can say that 'someone told me that I was the only few left'. Generalization works sometimes when used right. Out of place comments are also troublesome. I didn't understand why she spoke to a random crow as if it was remembering with her; perhaps the set up to it was a bit shaky, but try to make it easy for the reader to make the connection. Perhaps try to say that, for her, it reflected the tone of her memories.

And finally, as a grammar Nazi and all, I must say that 'in tact' and 'intact' are two different things. If you meant to say that it is still in one piece, use the former.

Altogether, though, you have a great idea. The mechanics of the writing just need to be developed a bit more with practice. I hope to see more. ^_^
Reply
~Writers~

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum