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 Posted: Mon Mar 01, 2010 11:20 pm
Hi everyone! This is going to be my poetry thread, because I'm not a fan of posting a new thread for each poem. So, I thought I would start off with a poem I wrote when I was a sophomore in high school and go from there. Please let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is always welcome.
I small blurb about this one: I wrote it in high school for a project that we had to do based off of "Song of Myself" by Walt Whitman. I was the only one that chose to write a poem, and I can't remember how long it took me to write. It's one of my favorites and a good one to start off with.
Who I Am
I am like the coastline,
Weathered by storms,
And ever changing.
I am like a leaf
Delicate and fragile
But able to withstand harsh winds.
I am like a star
Shining through the night,
But distant from many.
I am like the earth,
Created to be how I am,
But changed by those around me.
I am like music,
Beautiful to those who love me
But not for everyone.
I am like love,
Easily drawn to most,
But pushed away by some.
I am like a fabric,
Soft and enjoyable,
But used by too many.
I am like silence
Always there
But sometimes forgotten.
I am like gold,
Treasured
But sometimes not enough.
I am like water
Flowing easily
And sustaining life for some.
I am like life
Breathing and moving
But sometimes tiring.
I am like color
Bright at times
But sometimes worn dull.
I am like time
Presented to many
But sometimes never taken.
I am like myself
Always me
Now and forever.
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Posted: Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:15 pm
Hey there biggrin and welcome to the poetry forum!
You do a great job defining your poem's structure early on and really keep to it very well throughout the piece, all while etching out a very relatable character from a blank slate. I also applaud you for taking the poem route with the assignment- most people are too intimidated to ever even try. My only criticism of this poem is that there does not seem to be any reason for the order it's in concerning each of your three-line groupings (except the last one, very soundly ends the piece). You start very simile heavy and lose the depth as you go along- you keep the structural aspect of "being like something" but then fail to embrace it like you do in the beginning:
I am like the coastline,
Weathered by storms,
And ever changing.
I am like a leaf
Delicate and fragile
But able to withstand harsh winds.
I am like a star
Shining through the night,
But distant from many.
I am like the earth,
Created to be how I am,
But changed by those around me.
vs
I am like music,
Beautiful to those who love me
But not for everyone.
I am like love,
Easily drawn to most,
But pushed away by some.
I am like a fabric,
Soft and enjoyable,
But used by too many.
The vagueness of "by some" and "by many" detracts more and more from the focus, and you dont expand the subject matter like you do for the coastline and the leaf- your second and third line reinforcers are not as necessary. Compare the 'leaf' and 'love' groupings. 'Delicate and fragile' and also 'able to withstand harsh winds' are two things that stand in stark contrast to eachother, and yet, are very true of healthy leaves and traits that lend themselves to use describing a person. Meanwhile, don't 'easily drawn to most' and 'pushed away by some' have a lot in common? I do see how the action switches from the speaker to a third party, but planning to address it that way can bring my focus to the subject and reveal more about the character. Say you use the third part as the second, and then end positively on the third:
I am like love,
Pushed away by some
But drawn to those that hear me.
Keeping the 'by some' implies a minority while adding the 'those that hear me' clause characterizes the 'some' as deaf to what the speaker has to offer- all while further characterizing the speaker. This is just an example, because I realize I have expanded the premise in a way that may not have been intended, but I hope you see my point.
I also have a question about the piece. In the grouping
I am like time
Presented to many
But sometimes never taken.
are you referring to the practice of "taking time to (insert action)", and in this case comparing it to people getting to know the speaker? If so, I find the comparison nothing short of genius- although I feel like I'm still missing part of your comparison there, some element I'm not fully giving credit to. Anywho, just curious smile
I know you didn't write the piece recently so I'm not saying you should change it, this is just the feel I get from reading it. I hope this helps or is at least along the lines of the type of feedback you wanted sweatdrop
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Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2010 6:08 am
Great! Keep posting! I want to see more!
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Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2010 6:46 pm
@Elemental_Wolf Thank you so much for the feedback, you presented aspects that I really hadn't thought about.
For the most part, you definitely got the portion of the poem about time, with regards to taking the time to get to know me, but I also wrote it with the idea that I, like time, am presented to many people, but not everyone chooses to be my friend or be around me. It may be a bit too abstract and detracts from the poem in that sense.
I did write this poem six years ago, so I can't guarantee you that I remember every motivation for every metaphor, so forgive me for that! Thank you so much for your input, and I actually considered shortening it. What are your thoughts on cutting out the sections that seem more shallow or less "profound" than the rest?
@IgoRawR1337 Thanks! I'll post something else soon.
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Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2010 9:30 pm
Normally I don't condone straight cutting from poems, but here I think it would be to your benefit to shorten it. Also, you could take the opportunity to rearrange the sections if you find there's an order that has a more defined build around it, although the whole dynamic will already change when you shorten it, so I'm not certain that would even be well-advised. Just things to think about smile
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Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2010 9:47 pm
Yeah. I'm always reluctant to cutting things out of poems, so I may just leave it as is. Thank you for all of the input you gave me, though. I can definitely use that later on.
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2010 8:18 am
Here is another poem that I wrote at some point during Fall semester last year. It was actually published in the Fall 2009 Student-run Lit magazine that our literary society publishes at my University. Critiques are always appreciated, there is always room for improvement (although I kind of like this one the way it is). I am open to suggestions. : ]
Festered
With each moment that passes,
our relationship grows festered,
rotting within us,
like a deadly “Hello”
that never makes it from my mouth,
choking me constantly.
Each time our lips meet,
it’s like drinking alcohol-laced cyanide.
I’m addicted,
but it’s killing me slowly.
Each time I see you,
I can’t help but wish
that you would kill me faster,
inject me with a poison,
stop my heart,
anything is better
than this slow, painful death.
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2010 8:39 pm
This piece is a lot more pointed, much more developed- definitely representative that you've kept at it over time 3nodding
My only suggestion concerns the second line. I'm already laughing because of its significance in the poem, and how unlikely it is you'll take it to heart, but "grows festered" sounds awkward to me. Perhaps it's the verb tense, not sure, but in terms of sound, "festers" (so that it reads: our relationship festers,) feels like a better choice to me.
Overall impressive combination of a very light and passionate subject with a grotesque and dampening metaphor.
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2010 8:47 pm
I really enjoyed your first piece! There's just this one part that bothers me a little:
I am like a fabric,
Soft and enjoyable,
But used by too many
The last line there is a little angsty. I know that's hard to avoid in poetry but you did so well with the other parts! May I suggest:
I am like fabric
Soft and comforting
But enjoyed by too many
I know it sounds a little weird, but if you say enjoyed than it doesn't seem as angsty. I'm sure there are better words than "enjoyed" but than it seems like you need a little time for yourself once in awhile rather than multiple people taking advantage of you.
I hope that helps!
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Posted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 6:27 pm
@Elemental Wolf: I like your suggestion, but I feel like, at the time I wrote it, it made more sense for me to use "grows festered," it has a certain rhythm to the poem that I like.
@Aylute: "enjoyed by too many" doesn't exactly have the connotation that I was going for with the original version. If I hadn't made that choice for a reason, then your suggestion would be better, but like I said, it doesn't have the connotation that I'm looking for.
Thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback!
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Posted: Mon Mar 15, 2010 5:59 pm
I love your poems. Keep up the good work!!
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Posted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 2:23 pm
Thanks!
Sorry for the delay, last week was my Spring Break, so I was gone for the whole week.
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Posted: Thu Apr 01, 2010 10:14 pm
This is a poem that I wrote last night. Please feel free to critique me and help me make it better. The title is also not set in stone. I couldn't think of anything better, so I settled on this current title.
Golden Thread
Lean your ear close to my lips
and I'll spin you a tale of golden thread
A tale of days far gone,
and joys long since forgotten
A tale of love lost
and found, and lost again
A tale of you and me
and everyone in between
A tale of Heaven and Hell
and Purgatory
Of purple clouds and soft white feathers
Of fire and brimstone, temptation and lust
Love and desire, Blunders and rashness
You, me and everyone in between
But no one at all
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