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Hey all- please feel free to critique, post your thoughts, or post any pieces you want my opinion on smile cheers!

I'll be posting my pieces as they're completed, here's my most recent:

Pure Counsel

Truth,
the bearing for which all curiosity aims
and destination for which all wanderers despair
holds ebb and flow in highest regard.
From the top down-
solar noon with the complimentary eerie blue,
ceiling as any eye could gather,
on which not a single blemish exists
down to the single blemish dotting a hushed yellow-orange
of uniform granules, upon which any eyes would rest.
Much as waves roll the ocean's reach upon the shore
so the shore meets the blackened front steps and footing moored in near silent bedlam,
at once arrested in cold sweat and caressed by powder on the wind.

Light,
the will to step into the abandoned home
house in all present being
but hearth once upon a time.
Glassless windows and mirrors
weathered frames and floors
scraps of an identity whispering to the all about.
In the rot and must hope is inscribed
a tribute to dreams long since
and dreams reinforcing this last memory,
standing alone, contrast and shade to
tasteless and shapeless hide.
Beneath its toil and decay
extending into the shaft serving as hull
fireless hum and ire aside
pigment breaches where not light could touch.
Breathe this in,
from this sturdy yet sodless forefront
to the solid, interlaced bearing of root as floor
over open water-
through the level trunk to branches made instead roots
in the earth above and construct beyond.
Veins in the very planks and bones to otherwise water and sand-
faint but foreboding to linger with prudent consideration
as persistence seems dubious
as the sole patron behind stirring design.
Measures of this magnitude
, parasitism imparted longevity,
for the sake of rustic novelty?
Why go to such lengths to preserve that
which could never feel to begin with?
Why oppose the process that has yet failed to claim
any in this waste?

Bitter,
the only word for the taste of narrowing pupils and furrowed brow
as a figure once human is discerned within fibrous being
and the hole and the whole in turn are the last pieces of an
acknowledged risk come to rear its festering head
before its formerly impervious benefactor.
There was the chance,
always the chance these limbs were limbs and the body and mind
contorted to take on the weight, sacrificing self to lash them together.
All this at once, and at once the opening and the murky slush are
the soul released to the glass ocean-
the heart already being pieced together shard by shard by meandering thoughts
only just realizing the potential to mend such humiliation.
As the seeing stone, the life of this self,
continues to form in my right,
my left runs, just the fingertips, and truly feels, allows itself to feel, the texture-
the restive bark carapace
the sin I've held as chiefly my defining flaw, only in a vivid new adaptation-
taking my Sloth and delivering this Languor to analyze is so undeniably clever,
so beyond ingenious that in my daze the task at hand
,literally,
compiles as faultlessly spherical from every angle, perfectly refounded,
the truth and fear of this place understood
a flick of the wrist floats the orb
and a swift strike embeds and breaks this world-
body freed from the bark in a burst,
the house and scene evaporated from bottom to top
to the very unseen from whence they come,
and this time

this time

I'm looking down on him
he who is on all fours gasping for air
and toss him his crown so that it bounces, skitters, and slides
to arrest right under his face-
my jest as all favors returned
for every time I was the one rescued from ruin

Just read your first poem and I do have some suggestions for it. I will have to read it through a couple more times before I say anything more about it, but I really enjoyed it the first time through!
In your 1st stanza, you repeat "single blemish" in two lines right beside each other. Normally, poetry doesn't like repetitions unless you're making an impact on something, and that usually works if you do it more than 3 times.
In stanza 2, the first three lines go "home, house, home". I would suggest making "abandoned home" as "abandoned place" instead. Then it starts to become something stronger going from "place, house, home."
In your 3rd stanza, you repeat "limbs" in "limbs were limbs" but I think it works. But then you said "body" and "mind" and I was waiting for the same lines with the limbs and you surprised me. I'm not sure if you want to do it that way, or try to strengthen that part.

That's all for now! I hope this was constructive.

Finally arrived at a solution- only took me all day and then some to fix a single line...

-changed the 2nd 'home' to 'hearth'
-changed the line 'restrained yet bearing the weight, holding together what it could.' to 'contorted to take on the weight, sacrificing self to lash them together.'

And now ready to get to work writing the new one with that all cleared up, pretty excited actually 3nodding

Just started actually writing the new one today- pleased with how it's going so far considering how long it's taken to get all the ideas together. Really posting because mending my other piece went so well, and because I could use another pair of eyes to run through this one as well. The current version was written back in July, and I just need to hear some opinions from people that can actually help to improve it. Cheers! (yeah, it's another crazy long one)

Arturnos (July 09)

Long before the silver became palatable
Its rotation in the meal schedule about hardened flesh glimmered in the cascade thereafter
As first scale, claw, and wing sprouted in its likeness.
For all the trinkets, traditions, and tempers we carry
This bit of metal hung nameless for a time
As the meaning itself came to match the form it had taken.

My widening attention relaxes while the world recedes from view
Every untamed inch of flesh writhing for the chance to bring opinion voice
As if I could resist the urge to dream.
Thoughtful but thoughtless is the condition surrounding surreal circumstance
And each shift through stripping space cripples all but the sense of body and mind
As form finds figure in that abscess of pace.
Follow the fading footprints with nothing but observation behind
And clear the adjacent ajar window
(for lack of perceived threat)
As the judgment of the clearly patient escort mirrors my call.
No resentment, no pain in any single blink
Only the ferocity that kindles through eternity on none but the thought of emptiness
As a fullness pours from the stance set to weather that very expanse.
This is but the attitude,
The permitted point of view,
As the corridors buckle under weight of vine and the hallowed air condenses to rain.
Fresh wet Earth pools and collects from trough to single oasis
And creates a draw for all wandering thought
As the two emerge from opposite ends to crouch and warily partake.

“From this water you will learn my hunger,”
Was the first eruption of mind
As the man-yet-boy locked eyes with the ancient king still lapping silently in the moment of awe.
“You will walk and live and be the same in all but utmost quiet;
You will find our heart attuned to fulfilling those pages and convictions
As time itself bends to the call of a greater King.”

A string of simple thoughts empowers the palm to reach the mouth and plunge again for more:

All I can do is drink as he speaks,
It’s the medium that allows me to hear the words and ignore the fangs from with they descend.
Fear aside, this is the only outflow I know;
I thirst for the words they bring

But his trembling was the manifestation of gluttony
For any cunning could tell the feast would go on
As long as he continued to feed.
And feed he did as duties were passed from one to the next across the sacred pool,
The fervor blinding as the tear drop lost distinction between the final thoughts separating man and beast,
As the king and the liquid across which his voice was carried began to meld.
This end had no hint of desperation nor subtle gesture of discomfort
Only the relief of passing into and becoming the oasis, reclaiming anonymity,
And rejoining the millions of skyward hands that let such messages come to pass.

Frisson wakes at the expense of humility and hope
, as is customary,
but this time coupled with the desire to actively pursue and spread that fleeting intensity
, pointedly to those that have no such pyre of their own.
For once my understanding of the immediate past
Is a consequence of the present ponderings
And I welcome the chance to press on.
Are these thoughts whispered in my ear as well-wishes and protection?
Or are they so shrouded in origin that even the hand and mind that craft them play at a direction amongst their meager coincidence?
I find that as I turn to answer the churn in the depths of my soul
A hand is gripped tightly around my arm.
She stands, reluctant to let me go.
No words are adequate where we are eternally bound,
Except for the invitation and request I eventually extend,
(to rid her heart of despair)
As I turn to face the gate but three steps affront.

Energetic, rhythmic pulsations surround each face in a wreath of halos
Extending, permeating and obscuring the otherwise placid air
As the golden rings twist and bend to twine at each intersection of self.
For each face a node and a current
(each of the billions)
Taken at a glance to be but barely connected in their quivering
As lavishly adorned hands peg, set and tune the tumult in lieu of the ballad ahead.
From slow and soft to shrieking shrill
She pulls note and tone from the heart of each string
As glacial shelves of stress crack and plummet to the backlit delirium beneath them.
Look away, up and away to where the true collision of intonation finds sweet matrimony
To where a dream of a dream is ringing true
As the harp decays to stabilization in another form of clarity.
Whether in response to need or desire
Those hands and those ties passed from one mind and being the thoughts beyond words
As all other chance of coincidence slipped away.
Agape and echo minded to the song and dance of this night’s crushing lesson
The world but leagues in the dark of human imperfection offers up these lines of pretend:

Living or Breathing
Active or Idle
Exploit while Yearning
The Greater Denial

As to presume they mean anything at all.

Neither will alone, nor strength alone
Neither body nor focus of mind
Leave the air tasting pleased.
Musty spores that soak the lungs with hallucination and mirage
Are the breath I can deeply take and slowly release
Thanks to the eyes I feel alight on my path,
The outpourings of the well within and the purity of the companionship that has made itself so very active in my every thought.
I couldn’t be here,
Couldn’t be so perfectly able to leave perfection’s side
If I hadn’t personally born witness to the wings I find wrapped around my soul
That accompany the hand now perpetually woven into the gaps of mine.
Kings have long outlived their usefulness in both title and manner
Such to the point that even their memory resembles little of how they lived.
The Great Manta
Ruler of both open ocean and shallow inlet alike
Is now but the forgotten inspiration behind the flight of a certain adorned rug.
The Noble Stallion
Fearless in the charge and the thundering hooves of maintaining the herd
Hears little of the beat of evergreen while confined to bearing nobility and representing the coin they hoard.
The Fabled Dragon
The epitome of universal symbols and legend
Glides on the tenderest of quandaries and hopes
To the proximity this candlelight can bring to the contours of our scars.
Yes,
To each of us and each other piece of the all
We are throned but rulers of not but our collective heart.
The true riches, gifts and wonders of this world
(the one in which I write)
Are the pride of all tapered aspirations floating softly about bent knee.
Serve and be bathed in the love you seek.

I will admit I have a weakness for the seemingly unnecessarily long words, and that you'd probably carry a similar opinion through most of my poems. My problem originates in how many emotions and words I want to compile into a small-ish space (believe it or not, this is condensed from where it begins as far as beats used to reach the same conclusion). So, I'd like to say I'm working on the economy aspect, and I do keep it in mind. Please throw up a red flag if it continues to be too prominent in the future so that I can continue to improve smile thanks!