10 Steps to Hating a Chorus Teacher
1) Understand Vocal Music: It is a known fact that at least 90% of school music teachers haven’t the faintest idea what they’re doing. Therefore, if you understand your voice and know how it works, you and your teacher are bound to lock horns on several occasions. To take full advantage of these encounters, flaunt your knowledge and use it to prove a point. Your teacher will then try (and fail) to prove you wrong, leaving you angry and flustered.
2)Sing Classical Music: Classical music is well beyond the comprehension of the average, feeble-minded, school music teacher. Therefore, if you choose to sing it, there will most certainly be ample reasons for you to hate your teacher. (Especially when said teacher claims the goal of an opera singer is to shatter glass) If you like, you may take this one step further and suggest that the choir should sing classical music. Your teacher’s head will promptly explode and you will be infuriated by the inexcusable ignorance.
3) Try to accommodate your teacher’s demands: Everyone knows that nothing is ever enough for a school’s choir teacher. However, because you desire a good grade, you must constantly try to please. The more you bend, the more your teacher will demand. This pattern will continue until his demands become so unreasonable that they drive you to the point of insanity. Your teacher will insist that this is not true and drive you to tears and or a nervous breakdown.
4) Ask your teacher to keep your voice safe: Any reasonable vocal student will reach the conclusion that the choir director is responsible for the vocal health of choir members. After all, students sing what they are told to sing when they are told to sing. But, school choir teachers have a nasty habit of asking students to do things that are not good for their voices. When you start to worry and confront your teacher on the issue, your teacher will promptly deny that anything is wrong, insult your intelligence, and make some snide remark.
5) Sing a solo in a choir concert: Earlier on we established that nothing is ever good enough for your teacher. Your solo is no exception to this rule. As hard as you work on it, it will not be sufficient. Therefore, when you first rehearse with the accompaniment and make a mistake because a new element has been added, your teacher will take the solo away in a very rude, public manner and make you audition for it again three times the following day. If that is not grounds for the budding of a good, deep set hatred, I don’t know what is.
6) Believe promises your teacher makes: Anything your teacher tells you is a lie. No, your teacher will not really look into classical music. Your teacher will not really work harder to recruit members. And yes, you will continue to be made to feel completely inadequate. If you actually believe anything you are promised, you are setting yourself up for a huge disappointment, and you will hate your teacher for having lied to you. (Again.)
7) Expect a decent warm up before a concert: Every teacher as a pet. No, you are not it. If you were, you would not be reading this guide, now would you? Now, you know you must warm up before a concert. Naturally, you will ask for your teacher to help you warm up before a performance. You will be told to wait. Ten minutes before the performance, you will find that your teacher is still blowing you off for the infamous pet. You will panic and work yourself into a nice lather. Only one you are on the verge of tears and seeing red will your teacher deign to take a few moments away from his little *fill in the blank* and give his time to those of you who aren’t so well liked. Have fun coping with the anger and additional nerves in addition to those you are already experiencing! On the bright side, you may console yourself with your self-righteous hatred.
cool Go to an audition your teacher must attend: You are absolutely not worth your teacher’s time. Therefore, anything you ask of your teacher is, by nature, a huge imposition. At first, your teacher will agree to go to the audition because it seems necessary at the time. Think of it as an attempt to appease you. Then, your teacher will fail to prepare you, because you are too much of an imposition. You will feel that your teacher, who you will be representing at the audition, owes it to you. Then, your teacher will whine about all the reasons why actually attending the audition isn’t worth the time. On the day after the audition you will be told exactly why you sucked, but your scores will be withheld until the end of the day. Let the hate fest begin!
9) Know when something is too low for you: It is a fact that school chorus teachers are of the opinion that there are absolutely no limits on a student’s lower register. Therefore, you, being a well-trained vocal student, will be expected to have a range from the top of soprano I to the bottom of alto II. Repeatedly, you will try to explain to your teacher why you cannot do this, and you will be ignored. Your intense hatred will grow each time you feel yourself straining your voice to sing too low and freak out over the possibility of getting lymph nodes. Which, by the way, may only get smaller and will never actually go away.
10) Try to actually talk with your music teacher to clear the air: Should you try to talk to your music teacher about the problems you are having with the class and your teacher’s directions, it will not end well. Your teacher will sit there and nod like a bobble head, but not actually hear a word you are saying. If you try to address any real issues, your teacher will try to tell you that it’s all in your head and that, if you are experiencing headaches due to stress from the class, you really should go get those headaches checked out by a doctor. Nothing you say will work it’s way through that thick, impenetrable skull of your music teacher, and you will be immensely angered by the fact that you would get a better response from a brick wall. At least the brick wall wouldn’t be quite so insulting. And, of course, when you fail to express your displeasure in a satisfactory way, it will stay with you. Once this happens, allow your hatred to fester and grow. Congratulations! You are well on your way to becoming an expert in the art of hating school chorus teachers!
