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I keep feeling like I need to post here, but I try to think of anything I have to say and cannot find anything.

but it's okay, because I just did.

hence me typing in this box.

I just tried to type some self involved blabber about neurotic thinking patterns I get into, but all I could think about was how much it didn't matter.

Which is, I guess, what I was typing anyway.

I care about a lot of things that don't matter. And then I care about typing them out exactly right and analyzing them to death and drawing conclusions about them. This never gets me anywhere. Being 100% self aware is impossible and not worth trying for, I guess.

I think I care so much about so many things that are trivial because I can deal with them and take care of them and worry about them and in the long run they won't hurt me, because they don't matter. It's a form of procrastination.

When I need to be brave, I can be. But when I don't, I am a huge coward. And so I ignore the big things, and let those cause me anxiety, and I fixate on the little things, and create anxiety about them, and then I have so much anxiety I've created for whatever reason that I don't even know what to do, so I freak out and hide and sometimes break.

hey, guys.

sort of been awhile, I guess. Not so much awhile as much as lots of things have happened and I haven't talked about any of them.

I guess I have an incredibly long writeup of bonnaroo in the main thready thing in the CB I posted that I might post here, but that doesn't count because it is a WHAT HAPPENED not a HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT LIFE.

Fun fact: I feel pretty bemused about life.

Things That Have Happened Since Friday, May Fourteenth at 4:20 Am:

I went to Bonnaroo
I went to Ohio to hang out with Caley, Dan, Shoy, and Hirun
My mother moved to an apartment closer to the cities.

Those are all the changes, I guess.

Here's some other fun stuff.
I am moving to Ohio. I got this idea in my head late april/early may after I visited the twins after going crazy and almost killing myself, I was trying to get enrolled for Summer Semester but for a great many reasons, some of which are good, some of which are stupid, all of which probably lead to an overall good if not thoroughly awesome change of moving there this september for fall semester.

Obviously there's no need for me to explain this to anyone and I certainly waited long enough and gotten the big factors related to me moving there out of the way before, so to speak, TELLING EVERYING, (ie school enrollment, money, making sure it wasn't a stupid spur of the moment thing that I was going to decide against in a week that I was just doing so I maybe would not kill myself at exactly that time, making sure I was not doing it just to get into shoy's pants, making sure the twins were pretty okay with me moving there) but I figure I'll at least explain a basic why or something.

Basically I figured out that my problem with where I was that lead up to my whole going crazy and temporarily running away to ohio and also not going to class anymore (and, begrudgingly, moving back home) was that it was not exactly the right decision.

Not that going crazy and temporarily running away to ohio was a bad decision; I didn't choose to go crazy and I certainly would take a brief stint in ohio to, for example, being dead. The whole apartment-that particular boyfriend-culinary school-living in minneapolis thing that I so quickly jumped into was not the right thing at all.

I like culinary school a whole ******** lot. I loved the people and the atmosphere and I LOVE baking and there was so much science to it and art to it and it is fantastic and I would LOVE to finish up my degree someday. I just couldn't do it at the time. It's ridiculously stressful and I was doing it for the wrong reasons and it honestly was too expensive for where I and my family are financially at the time being.

So culinary school wasn't really a mistake, it just wasn't the right time and I didn't do it the right way.

Jared was, I guess, a mistake, though I don't think that's the right term.

I just sort of jumped from one incredibly unhealthy and broken relationship in which I was completely and incredibly attached (word used in exchange for other, more cheesy/corny/less well-recieved words) to the other person and also he knew pretty much everything about me and I did not really hide anything and also was the much less mature one and dealt with everything pretty badly to another relationship in which I was not really attracted to the other person at all, and tried to hide almost all of my issues almost all of the time, and was by far the more mature one but I still dealt with everything pretty badly.

I mean. I liked him enough. But not enough that jumping from one to the other with no downtime was anything near a good idea, and also he liked me quite a lot and did not quite see the relationship in the same way as I did (in that, I saw it as Not A Big Deal and Pretty Casual, and he basically wanted to Settle Down And Procreate pretty much As Soon As Possible).

Anyway, hiding things was a bad idea and all that.

Also I like minneapolis and also living on my own, but hopping into living on my own while so financially strained was pretty stupid especially combined with everything else. And I don't like minneapolis enough to live there forever, or even live there when I could be living somewhere else, which is what I was doing.

So, Ohio.

Ohio is good in that it is not Minnesota, and I have always for as long as I can remember wanted to GET THE ******** OUT OF MINNESOTA. Not that Minnesota is a bad state. I like Minnesota. It is a good state. I just want to live OTHER PLACES that I pick due to liking them and not due to being raised in them or other people liking them, I guess. I like ohio enough, I like columbus.

I've been spending so much time out of state lately that when I see advertisements for sports teams here I get confused when they're minnesota teams. I'm all "Shouldn't that be a cubs logo or a buckeye's logo or something?" And I kind of really ******** love that.

And yeah, I'm choosing Ohio for the Twins (and also DANIAL). It turns out, though, that I am not choosing Ohio specifically to get into Shoy's pants. I KNOW. IT SHOCKED ME TOO.

But something I learned when living in the cities when I was trying desperately to make good and lasting friends I was close to is that I did not WANT or NEED to make good and lasting friends I am close to. I HAVE good and lasting friends I am close to. Three of them, one of which being my best friend and the other two being VERY CLOSE FRIENDS, live in one quite small geographic area. That I like. And I want to get out of state. So why not, you know, put myself NEAR THEM? The outcome might involve BEING HAPPY.

I like being happy. I spent over two weeks this month being exactly that, and it was not a lie and I wasn't hiding things to be it, and it was pretty awesome. It's been the greatest amount of days in one month I have spent happy in my entire life, interestingly enough, if that doesn't give you a decent idea as to how my life's generally gone.

Not that I don't want in shoy's pants. But we have a contract that basically voids all attempts at that and I keep stating that makeouts are extraneous and I'll probably keep stating that until the gun pointed at my head demanding I tell the truth goes off.

Holy jesus have I gotten off track.

I'll be going to cscc for associates of arts, because that is smart and what I actually want to do (and also can deal with?).

I'm going to try to get a job this summer, but I have a streak of not being able to get a job when I REALLY, REALLY need one that I need to uphold, so we'll see how that goes. Maybe I'll finally get my permit and thusly license sometime soon? I probably should.

Anxiety's been up, as it does routinely. I've been dealing with s**t a little bit, I think. And trying not to make bad decisions. Hopefully I can see my friends this august latest and this summer can go well and I can just take things one day at a time.

columbus state community college. it's the college the twins go to and is HELLA cheap and has excellent transfer programs.

man I'm not going to get with shoy.
I like shoy lots! Shoy's my best friend. I'm not moving to ohio because shoy's pants are relevant to my interests.

I'm moving to ohio because shoy + hirun + danial are really good friends of mine, and they have been really good friends of mine for a really long time, and I am happiest when I am around my good friends, if we're putting it that way.

I'm moving to ohio because some of the best liberal arts schools in the coutry are in ohio and I'll have a much better chance getting into them with an ohio residency and CSCC's transfer programs.

I'm moving to ohio because I REALLY love the state and I've always wanted to leave THJIS state, and the more I make life decisions that keep me here the less happy I am.

sure I have a crush on shoy. but I'm not moving there to get in his pants. I'm fracking best friends with shoy. When I went all manic and almost killed myself I went to OHIO, to visit SHOY (and hiru!). Not because I had a crush on him, but because when I am around shoy (and hiru!) everything makes SENSE.

I didn't go home, or to my boyfriend at the time, or any friends I have here. I went to OHIO.

crushes are easy to fixate on but ultimately inconsequential. It was relevant when I was first debating about whether or not I should move there, but it is not particularly relevant to my decisions in the long run.

Also, moving wherever else wouldn't be something I would enjoy very much and I don't think I could deal with it. Being with people who are important to me makes me happy. <3

I think it is really tiring when everyone assumes my reasons for moving are to get into someone's pants when I've explained way too many times that they aren't, plus the fact that they actually aren't.

But I think people are mostly done doing that, so that's nice.

Not directly directed at you, nymphie.

Anyway.

My mommy and I are heading over to ohio tonight, we're staying until sunday sometime. I've found some dudes who seem rad as s**t to live with and rent is cheap and they like me and I drew them a picture of a unicorn.

I should probably deal with school s**t while I'm there but honestly I don't think I'll get much of it done, I'm probably going to have to borrow money from my grandparents to pay the damage deposit until I'm officially enrolled and can access my financial aid.

Move in date PROBABLY NEXT WEEKEND or maybe the weekend after fffff.

I'm moving into a house with 2 dudes who are RIDICULOUSLY COOL FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD which is some emails and a phone call.

I'm excited, even though moving is stressful at best and moving like a thousand miles away from home is stressful AND expensive TO THE MAX.


in other news my depression has been flaring up hardcore and I keep having panic attacks.

I'm probably just going to wait it out.