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 Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 11:17 am
I usullay love feedback on my love poems and songs!
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Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 11:29 am
good job!! keep writing like that and you'll be a moderator in no time!! i love the way you describe the main character. I could easily picture him in my mind, and the roses, i could imagine him sitting there weaving them together like into the wreath. you write beautifully, keep up the good work.
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Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 11:31 am
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Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 1:48 pm
I agree. You write beautifully. The story itself is rather sad but you describ it so wonderfully that you can feel the poor guy's frustration. I really like it!!
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Posted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 6:47 pm
Yes.i agree.Instead of telling a little small story.You of course had put in gesture.I see that you are making a story so intresting.Its like 3D It sort of pops.i can see the point of veiw and myself does love a little feedback.
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Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 6:47 pm
I love the description. Very vivid. I could totally see everything that was happening. It's tragic, it's moving. It's also very real. It's one of those stories where you think about them afterwords. I love it! Keep it up! ^^
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Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 6:56 pm
fallenangel_Asha First, I think one of the skills any great writer has is the ability to capture a readers attention without a plot. Your story does this. It draws the reader into this emotionally charged situation and then, interestingly enough, leaves them there. Just dumps on the front porch so to speak. I love this. I think its a sign that you will go far with your writing, which is beautifully poetic by the way. I always try to add a little constructive criticism, though (because I know I appreciate it). Did you proofread? There weren't any spelling errors that I saw, but there were a handful (3 maybe 4) of sentences where you probably could have used some better wording, or changed your coma use to facilitate a better flow. Like I said, I just have to throw a little of that in no matter what. It was a gorgeous tale. Do you mind me asking, Cecile - is she trying to tell him to move on. (I know if someone was asking me this question, I wouldn't answer it. I love keeping my readers wondering. But I can't help but ask). heart Nope, not trying to help him move on. Just continuing to reject him. But, no, I actually didn't proofread. I actually wrote this as an assignment given to me by my voice teacher. Thanks for the comments. =) I like this guild. People actually read my writing.
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Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 7:31 am
Another piece...
Caro Mio Ben
I bask in the setting autumn sun; the wind carries brightly colored leaves to and fro, gusts of cool air aiding their flight. They are like my hopes, each one slipping slowly away with each passing day. Oh! My beloved! Today marks the first anniversary of your departure. One year and still I am the same lost, woeful soul alone in this cold, harsh world. Oh, my dear! Why did you leave so soon? God is a cruel being indeed, to claim you for his own! Oh, my dear, sweet Claudin, forgive me! It has been a full year and still I betray you! Even on your deathbed you had told me that, once you had passed on, you wished for me to let go and learn to love once more. But, my love, I am afraid I cannot do as you asked. Though I search, I search in vain. You are the only one for me. None are kind, honest, and gentle as you were. All are far too in love with themselves to love me and to let me love them the way you did. There will never be another like you. Even should I walk to the ends of the earth, there will never be one who does not pale in comparison to you, my Claudin.
Oh! I do miss you so! Now more than ever. I must be delusional! Now, as I watch the sun set upon this most trying of days, I swear that I see your spirit standing before me. Splendid white feathered wings sprout from your back, a brilliant aura of golden light encircles your head. It is such a sweet, wonderful illusion. I don’t want it to end.
My dear, sweet Claudin, I know I am a fool to run and try to embrace you as I did only a year ago, but, nevertheless, I do try. I feel grief anew as I find you are no more substantial than the morning mist. I can feel the tears stinging my eyes as I stare at the image, reminding myself of that which I have lost.
“Oh, my love.”
I blink; I think I just heard you speak. But that cannot be, angels do not visit mere mortals such as I. “Oh, my love!” I cry, choking back a sob. I feel the lump rising in my throat. I will never stop mourning your passing. Not so long as I live!
“Yes, my dear, it is I.”
“Claudin!” The name has become a chant; I cannot recall a day on which I have not spoken your name. It was so, terribly cruel of God to take you from me! But, Claudin, my dear, dear Claudin, why have you come back to me? I can neither touch you nor keep you with me. What is the purpose of this? “Oh! Forgive me, Claudin! I have not been able to find someone whom I can love! No one but you.” My sides are shaking violently, tears borne of pure, unadulterated grief trickling down my cheeks. “I still wear your engagement ring. Even if I were to marry, I would still pine away for your company.”
Oh, my beloved, the thought of being unfaithful to you appalls me as much as the concept of us being parted pains me. While you died before the wedding, I feel tied to you all the same. Chains of love are, by far, the strongest bonds known to man. I feel my knees beginning to grow weak; I feel that achingly familiar throbbing in my chest.
“My love, I appreciate your devotion very much, but I do so hate seeing you unhappy!”
“Then come back to me Claudin. Come back to me.” I beg, wishing you could hold me like you used to. I would give anything just to feel your warm, gentle touch once more!
“I am sorry, but I cannot. I only wanted to see if there was any way you could be happy without me.”
“There is. If you promise me, Claudin, that one day we will be together again I can find some joy in life. I will always wish for you to be with me, but then, at the very least, I can look forward to that day on which we will be reunited.”
“Do not fret. We will be together again. Perhaps not for years, but the parting will not be forever. That I can promise. And now, my love, I must go. Good-bye, my darling.”
“Farewell, caro mio,” I say, fighting back the tears. I am left once again to grieve alone. But I will keep my promise to you. I will not mourn forever. Instead I will go on with my life, clinging to the hope that I will see you again.
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fallenangel_Asha Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 11:18 am
That was so sad!!! crying crying crying
Good job...I'm going to go cry now. And call my sweetheart and make sure he's okay because I'm paranoid like that. crying
But still, very good. I really enjoyed the fact that you used first person. It really personalized the story, great choice in POV.
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 6:16 pm
Oh, I loved it! It was so melancholy. And beautifully described. I could really feel the emotion in it. I wish someday I have that deep of a relationship with someone. ^^
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