__ ________ nyruliae's arrival & questions ________ __
(Personal Reflection #1)


Dearest Diary,

My daemon, Nyruliae, is finally starting to take the form of a physical animal.

It's a bit surprising, you know. I never expected my daemon to manifest. Headmaster Haylen says that daelings begin the manifestation process through a traumatic event. If that's true, then I don't really see why mine came into my life. Nothing all that horrific has happened to me. Not really, anyway. The death of my father - it was a shock at first, you know. But then I got over it and moved on, as everyone does. Death is just another part of life. That couldn't have been what brought her about.

Perhaps my orienation has something to do with it all. Let me tell you, it's definitely confusing growing up liking someone, only to have your mother tell you that you have to marry someone completely different. I was supposed to marry a boy. You know, the son of a doctor or a lawyer. Perhaps even the son of the mayor. That sort of thing. But that's not what I invisioned. Even though I was a child, I always knew I'd want to be with another girl.

My own mother slapped me for asking why it had to be that way. After that, I could never mention it to her again. How could I? Clearly, the subject had upset her. She had never acted that way before, so to see that side of her frightened me. I guess she was ashamed, and rightfully so. One moment she expected her girl to marry someone who would become a rich and affluential man when he grows up, and the next she hears her daughter saying she'd rather spend her life with the girl next door. My mother wasn't the only one who felt that way, either. Word got out after I had told her. She had told a friend, who in turn told their friend, and so on. Everyone was disgusted.

Tell me, diary, how can one feel good about themself when everyone they know abhors them?

I still have issues with my sexuality. There isn't many that I can talk to about it, so mostly I keep it to myself. I'm afraid of what people might think. If they were to find out how I felt, they probably wouldn't talk to me anymore. I'm scared to tell people because I don't want them to hate me. I just want people to love and respect me. I'm a human being, too, and I deserve that much. Then again...it's hard to have people love and respect you when you have trouble doing that yourself.

I guess that's what Nyruliae is for. She is here to help me.

My daemon didn't form through the issues of my sexuality alone. There was something else that helped to trigger her manifestation as well. And that something - or rather, someone - is my mother's new husband, my stepfather, Daniel.

I should have been happy for her. I should have been happy, but I wasn't. After my father passed away, it was just my mother and I. We had each other, and slowly but surely the two of us seemed to heal together. Once we had both moved on from my father's death, I thought it was just going to be her and I. It seemed that way, you know? We did everything together. I confided in my mother and trusted her. I even asked her if it would be just the two of us, and she said yes!

But then he came along.

I don't even realize how I could have missed it . How does a child miss another man coming into their mother's life? Maybe I was too wrapped up in my own problems to notice? I don't know. All I know is that when Daniel came into my life, it was if I had smacked right on to the cobblestones after falling from a window.

Here was this man, handsome and charming, who was now my mother's fiancé. He was going to be her new husband, and he was going to be my new father. Though, he told me that I didn't have to call them that, of course. I could call him Daniel, if I liked (and believe me, I had no intentions whatsoever of calling him father). He was replacing my papa. He was replacing my mother's first husband. Through it all, he was turning my world upside down.

Daniel didn't stop there, either. Not long after he and my mother were wed, he took over my papa's merchant business. The ship became his, along with the other various stores he had set up. Alette was just as shocked by it all, but not as surprised as she would be over what happened next.

He had her fired. Fired! Can you believe that? I was so upset when that happened, so distraught, and Alette was, too. I would never see her again, and over the course of her working for my father, I had grown fond of her. Very fond of her...

Through all of these incidents, Nyruliae flickered in and out of my mind. Not very often, but just enough. 'Don't be upset, Beatrice...' she would say, 'don't be afraid...I am here to protect you.' If it wasn't for that voice, I don't think I would have made it. For some reason, it made me want to keep going. It made me want to prove myself to my mother and Daniel and to everyone else who didn't believe in me.

They sent me away after that. Jaradin Secondary College would be a wonderful place to continue on my education. Ha! What a joke. I know why they really sent me there: they wanted to get rid of me. But I went, and I went without complaint. What choice did I have, though? There was nothing left for me back home. My mother had her new husband, Alette was gone, and my papa was dead. Luckily for me, I didn't stay at the Secondary College for long. Six months after I was admitted, I was transferred over to Jaradin College itself, when they new my daeling had manifested. After that, the rest was history.

So now, here I am. Nyruliae is becoming more and more visible. I can hear her better now, and I think I can sort of make out what shape she is in. It looks like she might be a raccoon, but I could be wrong. Over the course of my time here, I have figured out a few important things. I have learned how Nyruliae manifested, and what events brought her about. That much is obvious. What I have to figure out now is why she manifested. Why is she here to help me? What am I supposed to learn from her?

Time will only tell, I suppose. At least now I know I will have Ny helping me every step of the way.

Until next time,
Beatrice L'Héritier