Cool! Er... can I give feedback? Eh, whatever. I'm just going to go ahead and do it.
So, I noticed a few grammatical/typing errors if you want me to point them out, but that's not really important in the early stages of a story. Something I would always recommend doing is showing and not telling. For example, saying something like: "He became angry." is much less interesting than something like: "He reddened as his brow furrowed in outrage at the insult."
Maybe that's not the most stellar example (since it's concentrates around emotion and I found this particular piece concentrated around setting), but you see how making things implied can make them more engaging than simply telling about them?
Anyway, can't wait to see more and if you'd like me to point out any typing errors, just let me know.
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