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 Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 7:08 pm
My humor is odd, which is an understatement. So I'll post my choice stories here with the avatars that inspired them. Hope you guys enjoy.
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 7:13 pm
 Having knitted a headwrap, necklace, nosering, stockings, shoes (which was really very hard), a snazzy jacket, and killer tank top, Cinderella now rushes to complete the outfit with a nifty new skirt in time for the rave. . .
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 7:15 pm
 The fluorescent lights cast a harsh glare, amplified by the plastic on the outside of the box. As parents and their darling little girls rushed into the isle, the dollie waited patiently as she watched other dolls, some indeed more stylish, plucked from their places on the shelf. She knew that if she was patient enough, a very special little girl would see her and fall in love immediately.
Soon time passed, as did Christmas, and the little dollie became sad and depressed. She watched the other dolls, the superstars and nurses and dolls with little toy animals, get sold, but still no one came to buy her. She even heard some parents discussing how she was inappropriate for the girl in question while the child was out of ear shot. They said that she promoted the idea that a girl's only value in life was tied into her marital status...
...But still she waited and hoped. Even when she was thrown in the clearance bin, she hoped... Even when her box became slightly battered from the post-Christmas frenzy of shoppers vying for that 'perfect gift', the dollie remained patient and hoped....
One fateful day, a woman came into the isle. The dollie saw something, some inner light in the woman and knew her freedom was at hand. And better still, she would bring joy and happiness to a little girl!!!! The doll watched as the woman moved up and down the isle, frowning at the expensive other dolls, until finally moving over to the clearance bin. The dollie put on her biggest and brightest smile, she would have smoothed over her skirt and checked her veil, but her hands were bound by tight plastic. The woman lifted her for only a moment and set her aside, and in that moment the doll knew heartache. But wait! The woman was picking *her* box up again!!!!
Again the dollie put on her brightest smile, and her joy cast a glimmer in her deep blue eyes. She had too look perfect, she knew. And as she watched the woman smile, she was assured that she would soon be in the arms of a loving little girl.
The woman did indeed purchase her. She fixed the box as well as she could and wrapped it in brightly colored paper. The dollie knew the metallic ribbons laying on the table would soon adorn the box, giving it that extra special and loving touch. Her joy knew no bounds as she waited.
The girl's birthday came, and she eagerly tore the paper from the box and squealed with glee. The sudden bright glare after several days of complete darkness pained the dollie, but she again put on her biggest smile in the face of her new angel. She knew she and this charming little child would spend many happy days together with wonderful adventures ahead. And perhaps, just perhaps, she might even let the dollie sleep at her side. She blinked several times as the child moved the box, allowing the girl to think the movements of her eyes simply followed the box's movements.
She did indeed spend much time with the child, having tea parties and playing dress up, at least until later that week, the girl's grandmother came with another new doll. One of the more expensive dolls with the glitter and outfits and stages. The dollie was quickly discarded for this new upstart and placed in a toy bin with other toys, most of them tattered and worn.
Eventually, the pile shifted and the dollie was on the bottom, but she could still hear the girl playing. Still hear her and sometimes her new friends playing with that rockstar doll.... The poor dollie wept with despair. Until one day, she formulated an idea. She would get revenge for the crimes against her. For the plastic box and the humiliation of being paraded around on a store shelf. For the indignity of having to pander to the parents of kids, and indeed the kids themselves. But most especially, for being discarded and ignored. She would get the all, pay them back for the torment and Hell she endured!
So the doll planned and began a path of destruction....
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 7:18 pm
 She was gonna kick his butt into the ground... He'd burned her villiage and killed her father. He called her mother ugly and laughed and pointed at her, and then said said impolite things to to the girl in a way guys shouldn't talk to girls...
He was toast. She spent her life training and she knew she could and would beat him! She was so gonna teach him a lesson he'd never forget. . . assuming of course he lived through it... (But hey, if he didn't, that was okay too.) Until her pet gryphon intervened and changed her mind...
..................Alternate Story........................
Sworn to protect the lovely Ak and her critters, the young warrior was about to quickly dispatch a group of ogres who threatened the pair as they made their way through a mountain pass.
Ak's gryphon had other plans however....
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 7:23 pm
That last one almost makes me feel bad for all the toys I had when I was a kid.. lol.. I think they're all sitting in a dusty old box at the bottom of a pile of other dusty old boxes in a dusty old storage shed at my parents' house still...
I guess through the eyes of a toy.. children are assholes...
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 7:27 pm
I Will Follow You
A fanfic to my beloved.
 Her prince was in trouble. His father had been killed in a disastrous war- a bid for power he began as his armies marched to neighboring worlds; worlds who banded together to defeat the intruders to their thrones. The war went badly, many good and capable warriors falling, leaving the Prince largely unprotected and the threat of anarchy in the streets. Worse still, the Betrayer had planned to usurp his power and his throne, convincing the Galactic Counsel to look aside as he disposed the young Prince, using the power and knowledge gained with the Prince's trust as the Betrayer moved through the rank of the Prince's court.
The Prince was a kind man, sweet and compassionate, as warm as a gentle summer breeze. And as the young woman, a peasant devoted to her Prince's protection and safety saw the events unfold, she tried covertly to warn the Prince of the coming storm, but he was otherwise occupied with the affairs of state. She watched in horror as the Betrayer was appointed High Chancellor.
Keeping her ear to the ground for information, she watched carefully, her bow and daggers always trained on the Grand Schemer to end his life and save her beautiful Prince. She could not execute him and prevent the troubles from touching the Prince, who she was secretly in love with and wholly devoted to.... not without just cause or her own life would be forfeit. Ever with her head lowered, watching through downcast eyes so as not to show her venom toward the Betrayer, she watched and listened, taking in every word and laying awake for hours each night in silent contemplation as to the hidden meanings behind each phrase the b*****d uttered. She would pace in her room endlessly, snubbing cigarette after cigarette, thinking. Always thinking. The few hours that sleep would overtake her exhausted frame, her nightmares of the Prince meeting a gruesome fate would have her awake in a cold sweat, fighting the urge to scream.
The Prince came to her one night, knocking quitely but soundly on the door. Disheveled, she answered, her jaw dropping at the site of his regal form and handsome features. She gazed deep into his brown eyes, locked into them as though her light blue orbs were pulled by a magnet. She remembered her place and hastily bowed to him, nearly loosing her balance and silently scolding herself in the process. He was a prince after all!, beyond her no matter how much she might desire him. She realized she her threadbare cotton night gown would reveal much and her face flushed crimson; her eyes wide with shock. "Mm-m-my Prince", she stammered, "please enter my humble room." Walking in, his eyes scanned the room, taking in her meager possessions and bare room.
"Do I not pay you enough to protect me my dear Lyssa?" he inquired. He knew her name! her brain squealed. She knew that her Prince remembered each in his court, down to the lowliest servants and maids, but he knew her name! Beyond his other teachers and servants and guards, he... She abruptly stopped that line of thinking, knowing where it would lead her; heartache and disaster. She stiffly rose and could only gaze at his feet to try to force herself to remain calm. She noted his eyes roaming and staring at the heaving of her chest as she fought for control and tried to keep her breathing even. She blushed deeper and nodded absently (and rather stupidly she thought) as he moved past her to the one tapestry hanging on the wall-- that of an angel fallen from grace, weeping at her loss of purity. "Interesting" he muttered silently as he studied it for a moment. She turned quickly and walked over to her water pitcher, pouring him a glass so he wouldn't see the tears coming to her eyes. As she turned, she nearly dropped the goblet, seeing a knowing and empathetic look on his face.
"My Prince," she bowed again and then changed it to a curtsey, offering him the drink, "Your visit is most unexpected my Lord. What may I do for you?" she asked holding the cup out further to use it as a shield from her trembling form. She steadfastly reminded herself that she was the most capable warrior of his court. Able to kill any who would harm him. As he took the cup and placed it against his lips, she noted that he did not bade her to taste the drink for him, to ensure it was not poisoned. The symbol of his trust in her was not lost, and she quickly downcast her eyes, seeing the look on his countenance that seemed to say that he knew all she was thinking-- could read her very thoughts. He looked amused and intrigued and concerned all at once. "You are aware my lady that there are rumors of treachery in my court? That a threat to my throne and crown are implied?" She nodded and said, "yes of course my lov-- my Lord" she corrected, her blush deepening to a painful temperature.
His eyebrow raised slightly, but he gave no other indication that he had heard.
"Do you know who is behind it?" he asked. "I have my suspicions my Lord, but no evidence as yet. Do you believe you know who seeks your throne?" He thought for a minute, "Indeed I do. In fact, I have given the individual power and position in the hopes that he would make a mistake and that I could expose him without bloodshed. This has not come to pass, however, and I fear for my throne." She listened and nodded silently. "You are the Prince my Lord, you could execute him without reason or cause. Though that would damage your position given the volatile time we live in." They both fell silent for a moment, his eyes taking full measure of her and again staring momentarily at her frame. She turned slightly to avoid his gaze and asked, "What will you do my Prince?", turning back to him, she took his hand impulsively and said, "know whatever course you take, I shall stay by you and see you through your trials."
His smile was warm and genuine as he moved to kiss her. She fought herself to not lean into him, to not run from him. She wanted to do everything and nothing at once. She chided herself and tried to think of the situation at hand as his soft lips brushed her cheek. "I do not yet know. But I am grateful for your loyalty. Your support will help me sleep easier this night. ...Though" he admitted with a pause, "I would sleep better with you laying beside me."
The young protector blanched. "My Lord", she gasped, "I ....do not think ... my armor would make you comfortable." She said slowly. "I did not expect you to sleep in your armor my lady" he said as he traced her cheek with his fingertips. "You are my equal, not my servant, regardless of how the social positions might seem. I would have you as my companion, my lover, and my partner. Taking you as my princess and damn the court if they disagree. Ever have you given me your honest insights and opinions. Making me your highest priority, and not just my security, but my happiness. And," he grinned wryly, "do you not think I know it is you who leaves flowers on my pillow each morning?" She looked him in his beautiful eyes and shuddered, her mouth moving silently and no words forming. Again the knowledge that she looked absolutely silly did not escape her. "Bu...but... my Lord! You are a prince!!! Royalty! ...I" she looked down, miserable as the weight of his request and the consequences of such a union -however mutually desired- rested upon her strong shoulders. He placed his hand under her chin, pulling her gaze to him, and how small she felt, vunerable and delicate in ways she had not felt in --- she tried to look away but he moved her chin gently back to him. "My Prince...., my love. It is your fate to marry a princess. A woman of noble birth and for her to bare children of royal hertiage. .... It is my lot to protect you and keep you safe. We could not change this, even if we wanted. It is the way of things" she nearly wailed, the pain in her heart making it feel as though it would simply explode within her breast, the tears stinging her eyes and she forced her head down and turned, moving swiftly to the fartherst side of the room and hugging herself to keep the deep soul-wrenching cold that had moved into her body from choking her life force.
"To marry a princess of royal blood?" he mused softly and chuckeled. "To marry a vapid woman of no intelligence? And certainly no love for me? ...Simply because I have been cursed as a prince? To know that she gives herself to me because that is her station and her lot, and that when I leave, her arms would enfold another? This is the fate you desire for me?" he asked, disbelief apparent in his gentle voice. "No!!!" she wailed. "I wish to be yours, now and forever, to love and honor and cherish you all the days of my life until death finally takes me. To show you daily the beauty you have brought to my life." She turned to him, "you have no idea my Lor..ve ..... you have no idea how I lament and long for the days before the war -curse your father until the end of time- when we sparred together, and laughed together. When we would sit and talk for hours or play games. To hear the sound of your laughter again! You could not know what I would give to hear that music fall freely from your lips as it once did...." He moved to her, crossing the room with a grace that would stun a cat. "Then let me take you in my arms-- give yourself to me completely and together, we shall over come this threat and any others that stand before us. I need you by my side. I ..... love you." He whispered hoarsely. The warrior woman folded, her knees buckling and falling into his strong arms, knowing he would catch her and keep her safe, as safe as she would always keep him.
That night, their love making shook the foundations of the heavens themselves. . .
The next morning, the sounds of battle woke them. They heard guards rush into the Prince's chambers next door, not realizing of course that he had not slept there. They rushed to dress and grab what belongings they could. "There is no escape!" the Prince observed quietly. "We shall die here and now." He sighed heavily until he noticed the grin on his lady's face. "Not so my love. We shall escape this madness and be free. Follow me and dress as we go." She moved the tapestry of the angel back and revealed a hidden panel. She opened it quickly, taking a candle to light the torch set in a sconce just on the inside of the passage. "This leads to a hidden escape ship. The location was kept secret in case of emergencies such as this. The knowledge beyond even the rulers of this world themselves and passed down only by the Protector of the Throne." He beamed at her and kissed her forehead. "I love you." She smiled warmly back, sliding the panel shut behind them. "And I love you with all my being-- to my very core. But we must make haste my Prince, lest our enemies find us."
They moved swiftly down the roughly hewn passage of stone, coming to a small hanger with one solitary ship. The sounds of battle long behind them. She knew her Prince feared for his loyal followers as much as she did. They were friends, all of them, and they did not deserve this fate. She silently promised to take the time to give them a proper remembrance and wake at first opportunity. She went to the control panel on the side of the ship and opened the door of the cargo hold. Quickly, they stepped inside. The Prince went to the controls, being an skilled pilot and a lover of intricate aerial maneuvers. He started the engines as the woman slid into the co-pilot seat, both of them teaming with excitement as they went through the initiation sequences and protocols. The engines roared to life, dampened by the ship's force fields. "Surely," he said, they will have the plasma cannons target and track us. Can the shields hold several blasts as we plot the trajectory to safely go into orbit?" She nodded, already working on the next step, masking the ion field of their ship, completely cloaking it from all but visual tracking. "Do not fear my Lord, once we get past the visual boundaries of the cannons, they will be firing blindly, I assure you." He smirked at that and started the hangar bay raising. The light of the setting sun came in, the sky hues of deepening bluish purple, pinks, oranges, and red as the twin moons began to rise. "Good, let us be away then, this place leaves a foul taste in my mouth. For I have never desired to rule this land." She looked at him in puzzlement, wondering where they would go, but held her questions.
The ship launched, the acceleration pushing them against their seats as they ascended toward the heavens. They cleared the troposphere, the orange flame of the temperature increase from the planet's protective layers heated their and cooled their ship. As they climbed to the mesosphere, they felt the tremors of the turbulence and began to ascend to the exosphere, and then beyond into the wide galaxy. There were twin Destroyers poised to stop them, firing in the hopes that the strain on the ship would not hold and it would simply explode. The woman took the gunner controls as the Prince began dazzling maneuvers once they were in normal space. The ship took several bad hits, unable to compensate for all the stress of the flight in addition to being fired upon.
The woman placed several critical hits across the bows of both ships as the Prince opened a worm hole and went into hyper space. They had not made calculations for the jump and the woman closed her eyes for a moment as she reminded herself to trust his judgement-- praying he knew exactly where he was going and that their way wasn't blocked by comets or asteroids or any number of other celestial bodies.
He grinned widely as he read her thoughts, placing his hand upon hers as she gripped the console. "I had forgotten how much you hate flying. My apologies my love. We will be safe enough, providing the ship holds together and doesn't drop out of hyper space." He brought her hand to his lips, the boyish grin melting her fears instantly. "We are cloaked?" he asked. "Naturally my love" she sighed breathlessly. "We are undetectable." They gazed deep into each other's eyes, she leaned over to him and kissed his lips gently. "I never did get the chance to thank you for last night, or more importantly, for this morning" she said softly. His face became puzzled as he considered this. "For allowing me to share your bed, and for waking up beside you." He laughed deeply and she had to join in, the sound of it making her heart soar freely. "Technically, I shared your bed, and thank you for allowing me to awake beside you. They kissed in what seemed forever, an alarm from the ship pulling their focus back.
"The plasma manifolds are leaking. We're dropping out of hyperspace." She reported. "Can you fix it?" he asked, unconcerned as she raised her eyebrow. She shook her head, and said, "no, not without landing and parts. I'm not even sure what's in here. ...And why are you smiling?" she asked, incredulously. "Because even in the fires of hell, I would be happy and content with you." He grinned. She just shook her head and scanned the solar system for a hospitable planet. "I suspsect we'll be testing that theory right now then" she teased and set a course for the closest planet.
The ship began breaking apart on entry. Smoke coming in long plumes as they plummeted down. They held each other's hands tightly and closed their eyes, bracing for the impact as the ship plunged into a frozen lake that laid upon a frozen world.
A short time later, they crawled out of the wreckage laughing. "Well my love, it's not the firey reaches of hell you were hoping for, but would your promise hold true on a frozen heap of a planet? He grabbed her, pulling her into his arms. "So long as I have you, it would stand anywhere", he said as he kissed her deeply. "And I will follow you, my Lord, anywhere you desired."
Together they began walking hand in hand toward their new life on this strange and alien world. Each fully in peace with themselves and content with the situation, wanting to explore the mysteries of the other and this place.
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 7:58 pm
Fkn Brian That last one almost makes me feel bad for all the toys I had when I was a kid.. lol.. I think they're all sitting in a dusty old box at the bottom of a pile of other dusty old boxes in a dusty old storage shed at my parents' house still... I guess through the eyes of a toy.. children are assholes...
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Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 7:25 am
santas_girl_lyssa Fkn Brian That last one almost makes me feel bad for all the toys I had when I was a kid.. lol.. I think they're all sitting in a dusty old box at the bottom of a pile of other dusty old boxes in a dusty old storage shed at my parents' house still... I guess through the eyes of a toy.. children are assholes... I had a thing for hairspray and matches.. used to play napalm with some of my old GI Joes and Ninja Turtles till my mom caught me and beat my a** lol.
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Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:53 am
Shweetnesss abounds in you Brian. That's just awesome. Sadly, my 'friends' and I once took firecrackers (black cats and M-80s) to some of the old collectible toys.... Stupid stupid STUPID! Do you know how much Leia is worth now????
Still, it was worth it.... that was soooooooo funny!
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Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 9:25 am
Haha my friends and I learned never to shoot bottle rocketes any direction other that UP.
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Posted: Fri Mar 06, 2009 8:19 pm
Dude....., you missed so much fun.
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