Welcome to Gaia! ::

I have two little issues that I think needs sorting out before I hurt someone or get hurt whether emotionally or physically. Both issues have been bothering me for a little over a year now so I think it's time to find out what's going on.

I doubt the first issue is normal and I know it isn't healthy. I'm curious about death, I want to know what it's like. Sometimes I want to kill myself and I'm tempted to grab a gun or something but then I think what the hell am I doing?! I keep getting really down when I think about my past and what might happen in the future. I'm happy but there's still that creepy little urge to kill myself, I want to but I want to come back. I don't want to leave my family and friends behind but I'm just so curious about what dying is all about. I don't think I'm gothic or anything and I don't want attention. If I wanted attention I'd just cut myself and make a scene at school. I don't want to go see anyone about my problem because I don't want anyone in RL to know. I can't even tell my best friend about it because I'm afraid everyone will know and think I'm some kind of sick attention whore. Another thing is, when I'm (for example) hiking in the mountains there's these look-outs where you can look (obviously) over the valley and it's a big cliff... I'm tempted to jump. I don't know why, usually I sit down or walk away before I do. Sometimes I have the urge to stab someone when I'm doing the dishes and start washing a knife. It scares me, I don't want to hurt anyone, I'm just curious about it. I feel like I can't trust myself doing anything.

I'll post the other issue in a few minutes, I have to go eat dinner. Please help me out though. heart