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lol i just read the "Application" man that sure sounds like something my parents would use sweatdrop

NAMEJack Volpe
DATE OF BIRTH October 23, 1990
HEIGHT-5' 9" WEIGHT- 137 IQ-Infinite GPA-2.7
SOCIAL SECURITY #111-222-33 DRIVERS LICENSE #-0
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES Super Ultra Tiger Scout
Forestry Badge
Camping Badge
Good Citizen Badge
Hunting Badge
Firemastery Badge
Survival Badge
Archery Badge
Yogitrapping Badge
God Badge
Panty Raid Badge
Killing the Anti-Christ Badge
Badge Badge
Conquest Badge
Imaginary Badge
HOME ADDRESS 12994 Maple Drive CITY/STATEDallas, Texas ZIP 75035
DO YOU HAVE PARENTS ___Yes _X_No
IS ONE MALE AND ONE FEMALE? ___Yes _X_No
IF NOT, EXPLAIN
Well ever since my father killed mom and himself, I suppose they don't actually have genders
NUMBER OF YEARS THEY HAVE BEEN MARRIED
1 year before the incident
IF LESS THEN YOUR AGE, EXPLAIN
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes _X_No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes _X_No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes _X_No
E. A tattoo? __Yes _X_No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes _X_No
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
When somthing happens after it's supposed to

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
This man has a shotgun and will shoot me if I touch his daughter

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
No bang bang until the ring is on her finger

REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend
St. Francis of Assisi Catholic Church
How often you attend?
Usualy once a week or every other week
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? Good luck
mother? Good Luck
pastor? When he isn't preaching

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
In a hospital
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
Spine?
C: A woman's place is in the:
...I don't get it
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
My heritige
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
Not dead
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
Her body ((First thing I see since people tend to talka after I see them))
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, AND RED HOT POKERS.

Jack Volpe
Applicant's Signature

Do you want me to forge them?
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.